Joohyun rushed back to her house as if she was chased by a monster, but her inner demons sure didn’t stay at the front door when she entered. They kept tormenting her mercilessly. She shut her eyes, catching her breath for a moment, and tried to quiet them down. 

« Someone got all pretty to see her boyfriend » 

Joohyun groaned, opening her eyes to find Kyung-Mi leaning against the door frame leading inward the house with a cocky smirk « I didn’t » Joohyun spat, walking up to the stairs. 

« You’re a terrible liar, Joohyun » She told her.

« And you’re a terrible sister » Joohyun snapped back, not even glancing at her as she disappeared upstairs. She confined herself safely in her room and the first direction her eyes took was toward the closet. She clenched her jaw but walk up to it anyway. She the lights of the tiny room and got to the back of it, her hand reaching hesitantly for a certain drawer. She looked behind her as if someone would sneak in and see her secret even though she had locked the door of her room. She gulped and turned her attention back to the handle that she twisted slowly as if some wicked toy would come out to frighten her. She opened it and her heart leaped when she was greeted, as expected, with Seulgi’s hoodie that she had put there in the morning. She reached for it with a shaky hand and felt the fabric in her grasp. She closed her eyes and lifted it to her nose. For an instant, Seulgi was by her side, smiling. She desperately wanted her to hold her in her arms and not let go for the rest of her life « Why is it like this? » She choked up. She took the piece of paper Seulgi had given her earlier from her pocket and unfolded it, scanning the words on it « Why are you so nice to me, Kang Seulgi, when I’ve been nothing but a to you? » 

-

She had debated with herself for hours before deciding to go to sleep without checking what Seulgi had given her. But her mind had other plans than to let her sleep peacefully. As a result, she was staring at her closed laptop for the past three hours, her body hurting to be in the same position for this long without a single movement. However, she had had enough. She got up, snatching the device from her desk before sitting back in bed. She took Seulgi’s list and searched the first thing written on it.

-

Morning arrived before she even went through half of the list but she didn’t stop, not until knocks on her door startled her. She slammed the laptop shut and slid it under the covers before her mother entered without an invitation. 

« Joohyun, you are still in bed! » She clicked her tongue with a disapproving expression « We have guests for lunch remember » She said, opening the curtains that made Joohyun squint her eyes with a groan « Your father and I are going to church, you better be ready when we get back with the guests » She warned but a soft smile spread on her lips at the sight of her daughter. She leaned over and pressed her lips against her forehead « I noticed you were very tired and tensed lately » She brushed her hair delicately « I told your father that we’ll give you some time to relax »

« Really? » Joohyun let out surprised. She didn’t even know the word ‘relax’ was part of her parents’ vocabulary. Since she was born, her life had been meticulously planned out by them, and having free time meant it was just more time to study harder. She was in her last year of high school, a year where she was supposed to work even harder. So, why did they cut her some slacks? Did they fear she was starting to lose it? Was it that obvious? Maybe that was why they didn’t obligate her to go to church or join some neighborly parties anymore. « I’m fine, mom » 

« You can’t say that with bloodshot eyes, Joohyun » Her mother sighed, squeezing her shoulder before walking away « Put on the dress that I got you » She said over her shoulder as she exited her room. 

Once the door closed, Joohyun released a deep sigh, putting her head against the headboard. She clicked her nails on the closed laptop still under the covers. How could she relax when she knew perfectly well how her parents would react if she let herself go? 

-

On Monday, the first thing she wanted, no needed, to do was see Seulgi. Just even a glance would be enough. She couldn’t help it, her body was tingling with nervousness. She had passed her entire Sunday with people who would just despise her and throw her to the wolves if they knew she had had with a woman and it had mentally exhausted her. All she wanted was the comfort that Seulgi brought her, that inner peace that she had lost at the park. 

Sadly, it was only during lunch break that it happened. She saw her exit her classroom and her heart skipped a beat. She sported black trousers with converse and a loose white shirt. She pushed back her hair and Joohyun was sure that the definition of y had this image next to it. Seulgi looked around the hallway and her eyes caught hers. She stared at her for an instant, an instant that made Joohyun feel weak before she sent her a soft smile. Their moment was sadly interrupted by Yeri who jumped on Seulgi’s back, completely oblivious as to what was happening between them. Joohyun’s smile faded but she continued to jealously watch their interaction as Seulgi’s bright smile was now directed at the other girl. They talked for a bit, Yeri nodded at something Seulgi told her and she left. Seulgi once again scanned the hallway and let out a visible sigh of relief when she saw Joohyun again. She made a little movement with her head to tell her to follow her and butterflies appeared in Joohyun’s stomach. She couldn’t believe it. She was going to interact with Seulgi again. This day was beyond her expectations. 

She carefully followed her but not to the restroom this time. Seulgi led her outside, behind the school, where no prying eyes would see them and Joohyun was very grateful about that. She wasn’t ready for any public interactions. She was an for it, she knew it, but she just couldn’t. 

« How are you, Joohyun? » Seulgi asked when they finally got face to face. 

Care dripped from her eyes, making Joohyun immensely dizzy « I….. » She dropped her head. This question was so hard to answer lately. 

« Have you checked out the list I gave you? » Seulgi inquired softly. 

Joohyun nodded « I….I’m halfway through it » She met her eyes again. 

« And…did it help a bit so far? » Seulgi wondered. 

She shrugged « It’s a lot » 

Seulgi nodded « I know and….I want you to take care of yourself mentally. Don’t be too harsh on yourself »

Joohyun could have burst into tears right there. This girl was too much. How could she be so kind? 

« Thank you » She said with a lump in . 

Seulgi approached her and opened her arms « Do you want a hug? » She proposed. Joohyun almost wanted to say she just wanted her in general but she nodded shyly. Seulgi smiled softly and warmly wrapped her arms around her. Joohyun immediately wrapped her arms around her waist tightly, burying her head in the crook of her neck, and her nostrils were filled with the scent that had almost disappeared from the hoodie that she so carefully tried to preserve in her drawer. She shut her eyes and for a moment she felt completely safe. If only she could stay in her arms forever. Her hands gripped Seulgi’s shirt tighter. 

« I’m sorry » She whispered with barely enough volume to be heard by the taller girl. Seulgi frowned, not knowing what she was talking about. 

« What….what are you sorry for? » She muttered, just now realizing how tightly Joohyun was holding onto her. 

« I…..I’ve been awful to you » Joohyun choked up. 

« Hey! You’re going through a lot » Seulgi tried to reassure her but Joohyun shook her head against her neck. 

« That shouldn’t excuse my behavior » She cried. 

Seulgi suddenly felt cold drops on her neck. Joohyun’s tears « Hey! » She raised her hand hesitantly before caressing her hair tenderly « I forgive you then » She whispered « So please, do the same with yourself » Joohyun pulled away, a part of her reluctantly, at her words. She looked into her eyes with desperation and adoration. Seulgi’s brown eyes had nothing but fondness in them and it broke her even more. She wanted to kiss her but she didn’t want to do it without her consent anymore. She must be a better person. So she just stared at her lips, still gripping her shirt as if it would save her « I’m going to give you my phone number » Seulgi spoke softly « That way you can contact me whenever you want. Every time you feel like you spiral down, I’ll be here » 

« I can never thank you enough » Joohyun sniffed. 

Seulgi pulled away and took out a tissue from her pocket, wiping her tears gently  « I know what it’s like to go through something like this. I saw a scary number of people who were and who might not be here anymore because they fought a war alone against the world » She said with a  clenched heart, thinking of of all the people she couldn’t have helped « You don’t have to thank me. The only thing I want is your happiness » 

Joohyun melted inside. She knew she was falling in love with this girl, if that was even possible to love her any deeper. 

Suddenly, the fresh breeze hit her face, anchoring her back to reality. She thought she would panic like she did the last time but she didn’t. Even the thought of some of their classmates seeing them together didn’t freak her out. She felt her body tingle. Was she getting better with herself? With her thoughts and feelings? Did Seulgi’s encouragement and researches helped her that much already?

Seulgi sensed that Joohyun wasn’t panicking, that there was a change within her. She smiled at the thought that she might have helped her somehow. But she knew it was a fight that had many battles, so she was the one to put an end to their conversation this time « I don’t know if you saw but I put my phone number at the bottom of the list I gave you. Text me any time, okay? » She offered and Joohyun nodded while blushing « Take care, Joohyun » Seulgi smiled softly and headed back inside. It took everything in her not to turn around and to put one foot in front of the other. She didn’t want to overwhelm Joohyun but she also wanted to be near her, hold her, whisper to her that everything will be okay. 

Joohyun also took the separation brutally. She took deep breaths, trying unsuccessfully to stop herself from crying. So she resolved to hide in the nearest restroom until she recovered. 

Seulgi walked inside the cafeteria, having time to regain her composure while getting her food before joining her friends at their usual table. She was expecting them to ask where she had been and she had prepared a very good lie but she was only left speechless when Seungwan asked her with a frown: 

« What in the hell were you doing with Bae Joohyun? » 

________________________________________________

Hey, guys! 

Hope you enjoyed? 

See you next week :)

-J