TW: Internalized Homophobia 

In a sense, you could say that Joohyun hated Seulgi. She had that twisting gut feeling by simply looking at her, and when their eyes met her heart clenched. However, they had no history together. They barely ever interacted. They were just complete opposites having to cohabit within the walls of their school. 

Joohyun was called the Cold Queen, or the Cold if it was said behind her back. But she didn’t feel pity for herself, she had done this to herself after all. Since middle school or even earlier in her life, she had built walls around her so high that she ended up all alone. She was the lone wolf of their school, the one that no one dared to approach, and whose facial expression only consisted of a resting cold face. 

Seulgi, on the other hand, was so warm and friendly it made her want to barf. She was the smily type, shining her unmatched eye-smile like it didn’t cost her anything. She was nice and helpful. Everyone seemed to like her and her friends Seungwan, Sooyoung, and Yeri. It was as if no one cared about their sinful side. It even seemed like they were supportive of it. Some even said ‘It’s 2021, love is love’. Seungwan and Sooyoung were probably the most popular couple around campus while Seulgi was the most popular bachelorette. It disgusted Joohyun. But unfortunately for her, her thoughts always came back to Seulgi, because every girl at the school was crushing on her and kept running their mouths about her, about her looks, her mindful manners, her bright attitude……and Joohyun just wanted them to shut up. She didn’t want to hear nor see any of it. 

That was what was on Joohyun’s mind on that Friday evening as she sat alone at one of the tables of a local club. And the drunker she got, the more she thought about Seulgi despite wanting the complete opposite. Alcohol was supposed to make you forget but it only made Joohyun remember all the details about the taller girl. She kept the drinks coming, just wanting to shut her mind but even then, as her vision blurred, she saw the silhouette of Seulgi like an angel lighting her path. 

She paid her bill and stumbled outside, walking somewhere yet somehow nowhere. She was hurt inside and the alcohol only made it worse. She couldn’t keep the door close from the monsters inside her mind and they were merciless. She walked aimlessly, or so she thought because after a while she stopped in front of the door of a house she had never been to before. Her fist raised on its own and knocked with force. She even began pounding on the door when she didn’t get an answer only a second later. That’s only when she saw the person who answered that she realized what she had done. 

Earlier that day, she had heard, not that she was eavesdropping or anything, it was just that Seulgi and her friends were loud, that Seulgi’s parents were going away to spend a romantic weekend leaving her alone at home. Joohyun remembered thinking it was irresponsible when there was a heavy storm scheduled. The wind was already blowing gloomily around her as she stood on the porch.

« Joohyun? » Seulgi captured her scattered attention and frowned at her in a justified confusion.

« Surprise! » She chuckled to herself, staggering on her spot. 

« Are you…are you drunk? » Seulgi fully opened the door, looking around in the street to see if there was anyone with her. 

« I am and so what? » She advanced toward her in what she wanted to be a menacing way but she just messily stumbled toward her, slurring her words. 

« Joohyun, why are you here? You should be at home, it’s late and the storm is rising » 

« Why do you have to be so ing nice? » She whined at her, wanting to slap her shoulder but she hit the air instead and almost fell over. Thankfully, Seulgi braced the impact and firmly held her. Joohyun groaned and straightened up, pushing the girl away from her « I hate you » She whispered and Seulgi’s eyes widened. Joohyun could see the hurt in them and it made her heart tightened more « I ing hate you » She shouted at her desperately. Seulgi stood there, examining her without a word « Why are you so ing perfect? » Joohyun stumbled closer, cocking her head to the side « Why do you have to flaunt it around? » She accused but Seulgi had no idea what she was talking about. A tear fell down Joohyun’s cheek and Seulgi’s brows furrowed, unable to understand what was going on in the other girl’s mind. She looked at her watch, which indicated it was already past 2 A.M. She sighed and took Joohyun by the arm. 

« Let’s go inside, it’s freezing » She dragged her in and closed the door behind them. Joohyun looked around with little interest, too drunk to be able to inspect Seulgi’s house « Let’s get you to bed » 

« I’m never gonna sleep with you » Joohyun let out in disgust. 

« I meant to sleep. Really sleep » Seulgi sighed « You’re drunk. You need to sleep it off » 

« See » Joohyun yelled, pulling Seulgi closer by the collar of her pajamas « Why are you like this? Why don’t you yell at me? Why are you not angry? Why….why… » She stared into Seulgi’s intense eyes. She gulped as her gaze fell on her perfect rosy lips. She felt Seulgi’s hands softly reaching for hers which were still tightly grabbing her collar. 

« Joohyun, you… » Seulgi didn’t have the time to finish her sentence that Joohyun’s lips were on hers. Her eyes widened as she felt the pressure of it that Joohyun was applying with need. She quickly yet gently pushed her away « You’re drunk, Joohyun » She whispered. The smaller girl looked at her as if she didn’t understand what she had done, or maybe she was too drunk to know that she even did it. Seulgi sighed, taking off the girl’s shoes and led her upstairs. She hated to have to do it but she took off her wool sweater as well as her jeans and laid her under the covers « Good night, Joohyun » She muttered to an already asleep Joohyun. She sighed again and threw a pillow on the armchair at the corner of the room, her bed for the night. 

-

Joohyun heard footsteps near her, then the sound of something being put down before the footsteps disappeared afar. Her head was throbbing and the light assaulted her eyes as soon as she opened them. She grabbed her head, whining in pain. She took some time to adjust to the little light that was filtering on this stormy day through the window and soon she realized that it wasn’t her bedroom. She turned her head to the side, seeing a glass of fizzy water on the nightstand with a note that said ‘For your hangover. Drink’. Behind it, the alarm clock informed her it was already close to noon. She groaned and immediately took back her head in her hands in pain. The wind was blowing hard against the house, sounding like a screaming woman, intensifying the throbbing of her head. She took the glass and drank the medicine in one go. She put it back and took the note. It was Seulgi’s handwriting, wasn’t it? She closed her eyes, trying to remember what happened the previous night. She could easily recollect going to the bar, getting drunk, then…She walked…It was cold…Windy….She stopped in front of a door….Seulgi opened. Her eyes widened. 

What did she do? 

Their conversation, Seulgi’s expressions, her eyes. It was all coming back in flashes. Her classmate took her inside and…. Joohyun yelped, clasping her hand over in shock. 

She…kissed Seulgi. 

She shook her head as if it would help her get rid of the truth. She felt like throwing up « , ,  » She breathed, on the verge of having a mental breakdown. 

How could she? 

She closed her eyes tightly, clenching her fists and turning her knuckles white. She swallowed heavily while the scene replayed inside her mind over and over again. She snapped her eyes open and focused on breathing slowly to regain her composure. She looked around the room. It was cozy and stylish, and for some reason, it screamed Seulgi. She pulled the covers away and noticed she had only her tank top and on. She grunted and searched for the rest of her clothes who were neatly folded on an armchair. She got up and immediately dressed. It pained her that Seulgi saw her half- and she didn’t want to repeat it on that fine morning. She went to the bathroom adjacent to the bedroom and freshened up the best she could while finishing getting dressed. She went back to the bedroom and took a look around as she fixed her hair. There was a book on the nightstand where two women were in each other’s embrace and it made Joohyun quickly look away. She went to the other side of the room where the desk was; Seulgi's science book was opened on their homework exercises and a notebook filled with her handwriting was next to it. The desk was a mess, things were scattered around and Joohyun could only roll her eyes when she saw the tiny pride flag standing proudly in the pencil holder. She still couldn’t believe she had kissed Seulgi. She was so angry against herself. What had taken over her last night? 

She averted her gaze to the wall perpendicular to the desk where photographs were covering it. Seulgi had a knack for photography, she was often seen around school with her old-school film camera or even a polaroid one. Joohyun inspected the pictures one by one, they were of beautiful landscapes or sunsets; as well as random streets or objects. One of them was of Seulgi and her family sitting around a table in an elegant garden. The pictures made Joohyun feel at peace for some reason until her eyes landed on a colorful one of the four friends, undeniably taken at pride. Sooyoung was kissing Seungwan’s cheek at the center of the image while Yeri was lifting what Joohyun vaguely recognized as the lesbian flag and wore a t-shirt that said ‘I love my two moms’. Seulgi was on the other side, lifting the rainbow flag, smiling brightly. They all seemed really happy. Joohyun clenched her jaw, inhaling deeply as her eyes were glued on it. The door suddenly opened, startling her. Seulgi entered her own bedroom hesitantly, turning her head to her right where Joohyun was after searching around for her. 

« Hi, Joohyun » She greeted politely yet awkwardly « How are you feeling? » 

« Like my head got run over by a truck » She replied with a little more hostility in her voice than she would have wanted. 

Seulgi only nodded, appearing unbothered « I made a breakfast that’s perfect for a hangover, come on » 

« I’m leaving » Joohyun announced to her and Seulgi raised an eyebrow, diverting her gaze toward the window. 

« The storm is already hitting. It’s safer for you to stay here » 

Joohyun grunted and walked toward her, bumping her shoulder into hers as she passed by « I’m not staying here » She scoffed and rushed down the stairs. Seulgi followed her, watching her closely, and just as they reached the large living room joint with an open kitchen, thunder resonated and a heavy rain dropped like a curtain in a second, blurring the view they had of the outside. Joohyun jumped in fear.

« Still want to leave? » Seulgi smirked and Joohyun sent her a deadly glare. Seulgi chuckled, shaking her head, and walked away to the kitchen side of the room before coming back and placing two full plates on the table near Joohyun « I swear I didn’t put poison in it » She told her, taking a sip of the smoothie she had prepared. Joohyun rolled her eyes and before she could cross her arms over her chest another bolt of thunder illuminated the dim room, followed by the clap of it. It made her jump again and a cold sweat ran down her back. 

« You’re scared of thunder? » Seulgi asked genuinely concerned but Joohyun didn’t answer, not wanting to admit a weakness. Seulgi didn’t need her to talk though, she knew just by the look on her face. They sat up and ate in silence. Joohyun hated Seulgi even more now that she discovered she could cook amazingly as well. Truth be told, the food eased her hangover but she was too resentful to admit it to herself. 

Once they had emptied their plates, Seulgi took them away and loaded them up in the dishwasher. The storm was intensifying, scaring Joohyun. The wind and rain were batting on the windows without a break. Seulgi, who was observing her silently, decided to close the shutters of every window, cutting them from the outside world even if the sound of the storm was still reaching them. Joohyun felt a bit safer, her arms reassuringly hugging herself but when she looked up at Seulgi she wanted to get away again. 

« I’m gonna leave now » 

« In this rising storm? » Seulgi let out in disbelief « Are you crazy? » 

« Everything is better than here » She responded without really meaning it. 

Seulgi shook her head and walked up to her « I can’t let you do that. You will die » 

« Then what if I die. Like you care » She raised her voice. 

« Of course, I do. I know you. You’re my classmate » Seulgi answered calmly but it bugged Joohyun that she didn’t even get angry back. 

« I don’t want your care nor your….. » 

The power of the house went out, leaving them in complete darkness. Joohyun screamed and grabbed Seulgi, holding onto her as if her life depended on it and her heart rate doubled. 

« Calm down. Calm down » Seulgi said calmly. Joohyun felt her moving away and screamed, tightening her hold « It’s ok. It’s ok » Seulgi comforted her « Move with me to the kitchen, there’s a flashlight there » They took hesitant steps until Seulgi bumped into something, grunting. If Joohyun remembered the disposition of the room correctly, it was most likely the kitchen island. Seulgi let her hold onto her arm while she went through some drawers and finally a ray of light erupted through the darkness. Joohyun sighed in relief but immediately jumped in fright as another clap of thunder « Follow me » Seulgi instructed her, moving toward the front door. There was a tiny circular window on it that allowed them to see the street. It was hard to see through the heavy rain falling in front of them and it was dark outside, no streetlights on, as if it was the middle of the night « The power is out in the entire neighborhood » Seulgi thought out loud as she looked out with squinted eyes left and right « It’s due to the storm no doubt. There’s nothing we can do » She turned to Joohyun « And you who wanted to go out » She chuckled. 

« Shut up » Joohyun rolled her eyes « What now? » She asked, tightening her grip on the taller girl when another bolt of lightning illuminated the sky.

« Candles » Seulgi simply answered and led her to a cabinet in the living room, getting candles out of it and handing them to Joohyun. She took her by the arm and guided her upstairs. She closed all the stutters there as well, finishing by her room. She took the candles from Joohyun and disposed them around the room, lighting them with an automatic lighter she had taken along with. The room filled with quivering lights. Seulgi sighed contently, sitting at her desk. Joohyun sat on the bed awkwardly as the silence settled in the room, only disturbed by the sound of the storm outside. Joohyun got yet again startled by another bolt of lightning. 

« Scared of thunder, huh? » Seulgi asked with sympathy but Joohyun only glared at her, frustrated with herself to allow her to witness her so vulnerable « My grandma is terrified of it » Seulgi started with a soft smile « When she was a kid, a ball of light went through the room she was sharing with her siblings, thankfully, it left through the opposite window but my grandma was so scared, thinking it could have started a fire. To this day, when there’s a thunderstorm she closes everything and wants someone with her » She sighed at the thought and looked at her closed window « I’m grateful she doesn’t live near here now » She turned her attention back to Joohyun « It’s not a weakness to be scared of something. It’s an instinct » 

Joohyun felt a strange feeling inside her chest as she shared a gaze with her. She quickly averted it and cleared . She started playing with her fingers, looking down at them to avoid her eyes. 

« So…. » Seulgi hesitantly started the conversation again « Do you remember last night? » 

« No » Joohyun answered immediately, way too fast to be honest. Seulgi knew it was a lie, she could see it on Joohyun’s face but she chose not to pursue it. 

« Are…are you going to finish your homework? » Joohyun changed the subject. 

« Uhm, yeah I guess » Seulgi shrugged, watching over the mess on her desk. 

« Great, do you have the literature textbook? » She asked. Seulgi nodded, reaching for it on the stack at the corner of her desk, and handed it to her. Joohyun installed herself against the headboard of Seulgi’s bed « If I have to stay here I might as well make my time useful » She opened the book and began reading. Seulgi stared at her for a few more seconds before sighing and turned to focus on her own homework. 

_____________________________________________________

Hey, guys! 

Welcome to this new fanfic. Hope you’ll enjoyed it :) How was the first chapter? 

See you next week for the next one ;) 

-J