Seulgi guided Joohyun to the other side of the lake and deep inside the forest, far from the path that visitors walked on. She helped her down a series of rocks and there, behind trees and bushes, was what Seulgi called her secret place. A small cascade discharged itself in a body of water alike a hot spring but what Joohyun was more amazed of were the shades of purple pleasing her eyes, as if the flowers wanted to enchant her and attract her here forever. Of course, purple was only one of many colors gracing her eyes but it was what struck Joohyun first and the other colors supplemented it perfectly. 

Seulgi arranged a large blanket she had carried in her sling bag on the grass and sat on it, gesturing charmingly at Joohyun to come join her. She hesitantly rested on the other end of it, leaving a considerable gap between them. They stayed in silence, listening to the water flow in front of them for a moment.

« I wasn’t sure you were going to come » Seulgi spoke softly, turning her head to look at Joohyun who had her knees against her chest and her arms wrapped around them. She appeared nervous but she was relatively calm compared to when she had been at her house. 

« I didn’t know if I was going to come either » She confessed, keeping her gaze on the scenery. 

« You can talk to me, you know? » The taller girl invited her and she sighed. 

« How am I supposed to do that when I don’t even know what I’m thinking or feeling? » She turned toward Seulgi this time.  

« Can I make a suggestion? » Seulgi inquired after a moment. Joohyun allowed her to go on with a nod and Seulgi took a deep inhale, hoping she wouldn’t offend nor anger her « You probably grew up around a family or even under a religion that told you being gay was wrong, or all of the above, but now you start to feel something that comes in contraction with all this education, these beliefs. Am I close? » She asked, seeing that it made Joohyun tick. 

The smaller one averted her gaze, staring ahead « Is it not wrong? » She questioned in a small voice.

« No, it’s not » Seulgi looked at her with profound sympathy « But I’m kind of biased since I’m gay » She cracked a joke which managed to make Joohyun smile despite the toughness of the conversation.

« I’ve always wondered » She turned to Seulgi again « Sooyoung’s parents are going to the same church as my parents and they seem to be fine with her despite…well…Why didn’t they try to fix her?»

« Joohyun, you can’t fix something that isn’t broken. They had a hard time accepting it at first when she presented them Seugwan but doesn’t the Bible say you should love everyone? »

« Yeah, but what about ‘No man should lie next to another man’? » Joohyun countered, brows knitted. 

« Apparently, this part was about ia and not homouality and it’s been modified over time but I’m not religious so I don’t really know for sure » Seulgi shrugged. Joohyun nodded, she will have to check that on the internet. She stared back at the waterfall in front of her, questions running inside her mind.

« How did you realize it? » She put her eyes back on the other girl.

« It was a long time ago » Seulgi reminisced « I grew up with Seungwan. We’ve known each other since kindergarten, and we both realized it as time went by and talked about it together. It wasn’t as scary since I wasn’t alone during it all and we came out together…. »

« You were a couple? » Joohyun let out shocked.

« No, no » Seulgi chuckled. It was very weird to her that she suggested that about her best friend and her. They had never seen each other that way. Seulgi would consider Seungwan her soulmate, but a best friend soulmate and nothing else « We gathered our parents and came out at the same time » She clarified.

« Oh! » Joohyun understood better « How did they react? »

« They were confused at first but we talked a lot. I’ve always been close to mine and I was terrified of what they could say but they told me that as long as I grew up to be a good person and I was happy they didn’t care. But they warned me that they needed to approve of my girlfriend though » She laughed « My mom says she has a questionnaire ready and I don’t think she is kidding » Seulgi saw Joohyun smile, this time with teeth out. She was proud of herself to have been the reason behind it « What about you, how do you feel? What do you feel inside your heart? » She tested as Joohyun seemed to have relaxed but she saw her tense up again and sighed.

« It’s so contradictory. I feel good and then suddenly I don’t. It feels right but it also feels so wrong » 

« Does your heart tells you that…or your head? » Seulgi raised an eyebrow. 

Joohyun frowned, turning the question inside her mind. , Seulgi might have a point « I slept with two men this weekend » Seulgi stared at her in shock at the revelation « Not at the same time. On different nights » Joohyun clarified but Seulgi didn’t know why she told her that and why it still shocked her that much despite the explanation. Truthfully, it made her heart clench to hear that, and maybe there was a hint of jealousy but she didn’t want to think about that at the moment « I…..It didn’t feel near as good as you » Seulgi’s heart flipped at the words, shocked on a whole new level. She met Joohyun’s eyes, witnessing the tears filling them and all she wanted was to cross the gap and hug her to tell her everything would be alright but she didn’t want to invade Joohyun’s personal space « I never thought about it before. I had nothing to compare it to but now…. » The smaller girl blushed and swallowed heavily her saliva as tightened. She closed her eyes « I can’t stop thinking about you Seulgi and it’s killing me » 

Seulgi gulped, feeling very hot all of the sudden but she didn’t want to get her hopes high. Joohyun had an awakening. It was most likely not about her but about girls in general. Joohyun was discovering herself. It wasn’t about her. They barely knew each other anyway, she tried to reason herself. She didn’t even know her favorite color. 

« Maybe I can give you homework? » She changed the conversation, definitely not panicking on the inside and trying to bring Joohyun in a good headspace again after that heavy revelation.

« Homework? » Joohyun’s eyebrow knitted in total confusion.

« Yeah. To help you discover yourself and identify what you are feeling. I’ll help you all the way, okay? » She promised « I want to make you see that the world is more complicated than the artificial boxes humanity created for itself and that what you are feeling is valid » 

« I don’t even know what I am though » Joohyun sighed.

« It’s okay, whatever it is we’ll find out and make Sherlock Holmes proud » This gained Joohyun’s laughter « But first, are you hungry? » Joohyun tilted her head a little confused by the change of conversation once again « I am and I can’t focus on an empty stomach » Seulgi tried to convince her.

« Okay, sure » The smaller girl shrugged, although she was still awkward around her. 

« Come on, I’ll show you another amazing place » Seulgi got up, inviting her to do the same. 

-

Seulgi surprised her with a magnificent place for the third time and Joohyun felt like Alice in wonderland. Deep into the park was a cute café straight out of a fairytale, with vines on the outside walls and flowers giving a touch of colors here and there. Seulgi held the door for her like the perfect gentlewoman she was. Joohyun’s cheeks flushed lightly but she tried to control herself and was thankful when the waitress distracted Seulgi by greeting her, seemingly being acquainted  with her. She led them to a small two-chair table near the window that opened on a part of the lake. Joohyun had thankfully regained her composure by the time she faced Seulgi when they settled down. The waitress gave them the menus and walked away. Joohyun buried her attention to the choices at display on the piece of laminated cardboard, avoiding having to face Seulgi. 

« Everything on the menu is seriously good » Seulgi informed her « But I always take the chocolate cake » She smiled playfully at Joohyun who dared to wander her eyes above the menu. 

A sweet smile graced her lips uncontrollably « I like carrot cake » She muttered. 

« That’s a great choice » Seulgi sent her an eye-smile, making her avert her gaze to avoid falling for her even more. Thankfully, the waitress came to take their order but left quite quickly, leaving them both alone again. Joohyun awkwardly picked on the skin at the side of her nails while keeping her gaze down « Joohyun, I know you’re scared » Seulgi began softly « It must be hard to have all of these thoughts. But….just know that….I’m here for you. You can always talk to me » 

« How can I do that when you’re part of the problem » Joohyun raised her eyes to meet hers. Seulgi blinked multiple times before looking away and taking a deep breath. She shifted on her seat and opened to answer but the waitress brought them their food and drinks. They began eating in silence. Seulgi was so cute while eating that Joohyun found it unfair. She understood the bear nickname given by her friends now. She found herself staring at her lips where some food was smudged until Seulgi wiped them clean. She wanted to kiss those lips so badly. After those thoughts reverberated inside her mind, she realized she was falling into the rabbit hole once again and she needed to get the hell out. The feeling hit her like a truck. A reality check. It crisped her heart in its hold, ready to crush it. It wasn’t her. She wasn’t IT. She looked around the café, some people turned their heads in their directions, she caught some of them and panic arose inside. What must they think of her? Did they think they were a couple? Was it a disgusted expression on their faces or was she spiraling? She stood up in a jolt, dropping her fork and her chair scraped against the floor. Seulgi looked up, knowing instantly what was happening just by seeing her expression.

« Joohyun, don’t leave. Don’t freak out. What is going on inside your head? Tell me? » She tried to reach her.

« I……I’m not like you, Seulgi. I…….It’s not right » 

« Joohyun, breathe » Seulgi came to her side of the table but Joohyun held up her arms to signal to her to keep her distance « Okay. Okay » Seulgi complied, knowing it was too late as Joohyun glanced at the front door to escape. She took her notebook that she had written on earlier and ripped the page to present it to a terrified Joohyun « I invite you to do research on the LGBT community. I wrote down some websites you can start with. They are very informative. Make your own opinion out of it and then, we’ll talk about it, ok? » She approached her hand closer but Joohyun took two steps back « I’m not a monster, Joohyun » She whispered softly « And you’re not either » Joohyun looked into her eyes. She wanted to believe her but her demons were drowning her words. Nonetheless, she snatched the piece of paper before bolting out. Seulgi stood there, knowing it wouldn’t do any good to follow her. She sighed deeply, a bit angry at herself for not having managed the situation better. She sat back on her chair and looked at the empty chair in front of her dejectedly. 

_____________________________________

Hey, guys! 

Hope you enjoyed?

See you next week :)

-J