Winter

Paris? Kahit next week pa ‘yun, ayaw ko talaga pumunta. Lintek na contract kasi ‘yan. 

Palabas na ako ng company nila nang makasabay ko si Chaewon sa elevator. Hindi ko na lang pinansin kasi ayaw ko na ng away. Masyado na akong stress para problemahin pa siya.

“Hey” sabi ko hindi ko siya papansinin eh, tiningnan ko na lang siya kasi wala din ako energy makipagbanghayan.

“I just want to say sorry sa attitude ko kanina, it’s just natrigger ako kasi you were rude. Pero no hard feelings, and I just want to clear something” 

“Hmm?” nagulat naman ako at nagsorry siya, dahil ba talo siya kanina?

“Are you also having a crush on Ms. Karina?” 

Napaisip ako, crush? No. Isa lang siya madilim na past for me.

“Wala”

“Eh bakit kung makipag-usap ka sa kanya, para kayong magkakilala ng matagal?”

“Oh, that. Am I too casual sa kanya?”

“Yeah, kinda” 

“Uhm, she’s someone I know from college”

“Oh, kaya pala. Sorry talaga sa attitude ko kanina. Crush ko talaga kasi si Ms. Karina since nung nakita ko siya pumasok sa company na’to” 

“Sorry din, don’t worry about your crush kay Karina. I’m not planning anything sa kanya”

“Alright! Thank you Winter! Medyo matigas ba mukha ko kung humingi ako ng tulong sa’yo ipursue si Ms. Karina?”

“Oo, matigas”

“Ay hehe sorry. Sige, dito na ‘yung floor ko. It’s nice to know you Winter!” nag-wave na lang ako sa kanya since pasara naman na din yung elevator.

Pagbaba ko ng ground floor ay nakita nakaabang si Karina sa may lobby at mukhang inaantay ako.

“Hi” bati niya

Tumango na lang ako.

“Hey, Winter. Sorry about earlier. Sa pagsaway ko sa’yo. I just don’t want them to think na I’m being biased”

“Wala ‘yun” sabi ko habang tuloy-tuloy pa din sa paglalakad.

“Gusto mo maglunch out tayo?”

“Karina” nasa labas na kami ngayon, wala masyadong tao kasi malapit sa parking.

“Yes?”

“Biro lang ba sa’yo yung sakit na pinadanas mo sa akin nung iniwan mo ako? Kaguhan lang ba ‘yun? Prank?”

“No, Winter. I want to prove how sorry I am” 

“Hindi ka ba nakakaintindi? Ang kapal ng mukha mo magpakita na lang ng basta basta. Na para bang wala kang ginawang mali?”

“Winter, I-“ hindi ako tumingin sa kanya, ramdam ko na umiiyak siya.

Pero sobra na siya, para bang wala lang sa kanya lahat. Nasira halos buhay ko kakahintay sa kanya tapos ganito? 

“Kahit anong gawin mo Karina, wala na. Tanga na lang ako kung babalik pa ako sa’yo. Hindi mo deserve patawarin sa ginawa mo. ”

“You are always pushing me away, Winter. Everytime we’re having problems pero I love you that’s why kumakapit ako”

“But you run away Karina, na para bang ang dali sa’yong kalimutan lahat. Hindi mo alam dinanas ko ‘nung iniwan mo ako. Nasaktan ka? Walang-wala yan sa ginawa mo sa akin. Kulang yan.”

“May ginawa ka ba?” bigla niyang tinanong

“Ha? Ikaw ang umalis! Ineexpect mo ba na magiging bobo ako na susunod sa’yo?”

“Well, I guess I’m the bobo sa ating dalawa. Isang beses. Isang beses lang Winter. Siguro I’m a jerk for running away like that. Pero alam mo ba? For those 3 years, I always pray na you’ll follow me. Na susundan mo ako and save me from that hell. I know that’s very selfish of me to even think of that. But I can help it, I thought you love me that much. I know wala akong karapatan hingin sa’yo yun because I’m the one who left everything” she paused, I can hear her voice crack from every words she said.

“Ganun lang ba kadali sa’yo isipin na I don’t want you in my life? Na you think I want to leave everything behind just because I fall out of love sayo?” she continued

“Karina-“

“No, I know your pain. Everything. But nobody knows mine. You didn’t even know. You know what will I do if you’re the one who left me? I’ll do everything just to get you back. I won’t stay still and ruin myself. Cause I know you’ll always have a good reason na I’m sure I’m willing to understand. Kahit ayaw mo sa akin at ipagtabuyan mo ako atleast I tried” 

“Maybe I just didn’t love you that much para gawin ‘yun” bitter kong sinabi sa kanya, ayaw ko magpaapekto sa mga sinasabi niya kahit may point siya.

Ang tagal niyang hindi nagsalita before siya nagchuckle, “Alright, maybe we didn’t share the same love na I thought we were. Now I’m being a complete jerk for saying something like that to you. I’m a jerk nanaman eversince my biological father died and I’m not even sad about it. I’m kinda relieved”

What? Ano? Tangina?

“Tell me Winter, do you have any regrets when I left you?”

“I-“ speechless ako, hindi ko na alam sasabihin ko. Kitang-kita ko sa kanya yung pain, hindi ko alam kung ano mararamdaman ko sa nakikita ko kaya tumungo na lang ako.

“If wala, maybe I’m too selfish to think na I can still have you. You’re right, I don’t deserve you. You don’t have to go to Paris. I can handle it. I’m very sorry Winter for causing you a lot of pain. I don’t want to give up, God knows how I don’t want to give up. But I also don’t want to cause you any more pain. Just like what I did just now”

Tiningnan ko na lang yung figure niya habang naalis.

I was rooted at my spot, every words she said was true. Yung tinanong niya ako kung wala ba akong regrets nung iniwan niya ako, ang sagot ay meron.

Hindi ko siya sinundan kahit gusto ko dahil I was blinded by anger sa pag-iwan niya sa akin.

And she’s happy na her father died? Dahil ba sa minana niyang wealth? Is that really you Karina? Hindi ikaw ‘yun.

Karina

. I just said everything na pinipilit kong ibaon sa utak ko. I even felt guilty thinking like that but when Winter told me those hateful words against me, para bang siya lang ang nasaktan. Na hindi valid yung feelings ko dahil ako yung umalis.

It’s so sad to know na she didn’t try to reach out, telling me na we can still fight for our love. Na I’m being silly to face my battle alone. Na I have her no matter what happens.

Pumunta ako sa car ko since yun yung malapit na pwede puntahan para ibuhos lahat ng tears ko.

I can’t stop my tears, I want to stop it but I can’t. Nang makasakay na ako sa car ko, I cried my eyes out.

It’s my fault, everything is my fault. How dare I say that things to Winter. , I want to apologize but . I’m too shameful to even face her. 

I heard somone knocking on my door. It’s Chaewon, I immediately wiped my tears and rolled down my window.