Hi everyone,

it has been a very long time. I apologize for that.

This year was the worst year of my life until now. So many bad things happened and it gets worse and worse.

I don't even know where to start. 

1. My budgie died...he was someone special to me. He was already 18 years old. Very old for a budgie...but he was also a part of our family..for 18 years.

2. my uncle died...3 days prior the wedding of her daughter (my cousin)

3. My grandma always had to go to the hospital. She lay there almost 4 months. Her hemodialysis did not work anymore...they operated her several times (about 6 times). It never worked. They found out the reason why it doesn't work. So one day they called us to tell us that there is only one last chance left for her. It was the peritonealdialysis (so dialysis thought her "stomach"). At that time it wasn't clear if that new type of dialysis will work for her. We had to wait about 1 week...luckly it worked but...that type of dialysis is done at home. So my brother and me went to a course for about 2 weeks. In Germany only about 5% of diaylsis patients get that type of dialysis so many nurses do not even know how to do it. In the hospital the special nurses were only active in the mornings...so...in the afternoon and evenings my brother and me had to drive to the hospital every day and do her dialysis. The way to the hospital takes about one hour...this went on for about a month...so pretty much I stayed in the hospital all the time....
my grandma is back at home and I have to do her dialysis three times a day + changing of the bandage + 5 injections a day+washing her+cleaning the dialysis room everyday. I have to wash her etc etc...my whole day...is spent by taking care of her. I don't have a life anymore. I can't even go out because I have to do her dialysis. 

4. You know....in April..I was so so happy when I got a backstage ticket for the korea culture festival in Germany. I thought my dream to see MBLAQ will finally come true. Then they announced that MBLAQ will also make a solo concert in Berlin. However that one got cancelled. I was dissapointed but thought "hey, at least I will see them in the festival"...meanwhile I had wrote my thesis....I was so motivated because of the festival...BUT 20 days prior the festival it suddenly got cancelled!! and I still did not get my ing money back!!!! (180 €!!!)...then I thought "Maybe I will get a chance to see them live another time"...

but now...Joon and Thunder leaving MBLAQ?

My dream shattered into million of pieces. I cried for the whole day...I can't handle this...MBLAQ helped me to get out of my depression but now I have falled deep...veeeery deep.

I also have to search for a job. Ifinished university but now...I feel so empty.

I was always a good girl. Friendly to everyone. I helped everyone. Damn I take care of my grandma 24/7 (and let's be honest not everyone would do that)...I always help so much in housework. But what do I get?

Pain.

Seriously...people keep saying "god have plans for you. When the time comes you will get so happy"...don't freaking...just stop...seriously...sentences like this...I could just punch them in the face...sorry but that is the last thing you can tell a ing depressed person.

anyway...sorry for my rant...all the MBLAQ news just made me damn...damn broken

I have almost finished the next chapter but I can't find the strenght to continue...I am really sorry for that....please understand me. I am mentally too exhausted right now...esspecially writing about MBLAQ...hurts...I can't express in words how heartbroken I feel....

MBLAQ...please stay....