“How do people handle the shards of the past when it comes piercing through the transparent veil of the present times, bleeding vulnerability for the uncertain future.”

“Now this is new! Lisa would love to read this!” A sound of a palm slamming a table echoed throughout the room.

“Read what, Somi?” Lisa asked as she approached her loud and energetic intern.

“Do you always receive initial assessments like this because if yes, I mean, you really have weird clients.” Somi answered, eyebrows raising and shaking her head as she scanned through the entirety of the said email.

“WHAT? Somi… What did I tell you about phishing emails, this might be another one of those.” Lisa reprimanded her, maintaining her stance at an eye level of the intern.

“Lisa, I’m an intern and not some IT guy.” Somi argued, slightly raising her voice, trying to prove her point.

“Yeah, don’t get smart with me young lady. This is part of our cybersecurity protocol remember? So whether you’re an IT guy or an intern, you have to know this.” Lisa crossed her arms as she answered.

“Alright, alright. But please, you have to check out their email address like it’s so funny.” Somi raised her hands while chuckling, as she accepted her defeat for another unwinnable argument with the life coach.

“Somi, I don’t have time for this, let’s get back to work okay?” Lisa sighed, waving her hands as she turned and walked towards her side of the office.

“ Fine, but you’re missing out on the brilliance of [email protected]” Somi shouted and burst out of laughter over the unique email address. 

Lisa stopped dead in her tracks. Her heart pounding out of her chest. Those three words. It was every definition of familiar to her. She knew that, inevitably, this day would come.. and so, she takes a huge breath, clenches her fists, and decides to approach Somi once again.  

“Forward it to me.” Lisa said in a monotonous tone.

“ I’m sorry, what? What if it’s a phishing email Lisa?! So much for that cybersecurity talk.” Somi was every bit of confused.

“Somi, I’m not going to ask you twice, please.” Lisa stared at Somi as if boring holes into her, as she spoke with a voice laced with coldness.

“Okay fine, jeez. Why is everyone so weird today?” Somi once again felt like she was backed in a corner as she typed away in her laptop.

***

Lisa has spent the entire day, reading and re-reading the email not because she was trying to decipher the meaning behind it, but because she knows exactly what it meant and that there is only one person in this world that can make her feel absurdly smart and ridiculously dumb at the same time.

Kim Jisoo.

The woman that she has grown to love and admire...

Until life has decided to be menacingly unfair and turned her entire world into an hourglass, their memories as grains of sand trickling away when they left, the same way that she watched all that love and admiration morph into indifference as time passed.

Lisa loved to ask questions. She has always been a curious cat and Jisoo not just tolerated that, Jisoo accepted and loved her for that. She fostered the curiosity in Lisa although, Jisoo never taught her that in life, not just because you asked, you will immediately get the answer you’re looking for. Sometimes, it’s right in front of you, but you’re not ready to accept it. Most of the time, the answer requires time and an awful lot of maturity.  

For years, Lisa looked for an answer to a single question that she thought she would never have to ask because they were her only family.

“When will they come back for me?”

She asked, hoped, and prayed, every single day, for even just a hint of hope that they will come back for her.

Days, months, and years transformed this question to ‘will they ever come back for me?’

At some point, Lisa believed that the answer came in the form of frustrations, disappointments, and grief when she realised that there is no reason to keep on asking a question that was never meant be answered.

Abandonment is such a strong word to use, Lisa knows that by now. It took her an awful lot of time to understand and know it by heart.

This is one of the reasons why she decided to be a life coach. She remembered how it was a silly conversation with Jake when they were miles and miles away from each other. How they felt like they were too young for this discussion but too old to ignore the need to be vulnerable.

“You know what Jake, I’m going to look for a career where I tell people not to make dumb decisions in life.”

“Like abandoning people and not giving a damn about its repercussions?”

“Yeah, something like that. But you know, I realised, weirdly enough, abandonment coincides with belongingness.”

“Lisa, they’re the complete opposites?!  What do you mean? You lost me when you said you realised something and then you follow it up with weirdly enough.”

“Oh, off Jake, I meant like the only people who abandons are the people that have once understood the feeling of belonging to something or to someone..”

“Well, news flash Lily. Everyone, at some point in their lives felt like that, duh, did you mean family? Did you mean loved ones? That’s the exact example of belongingness.”

“Exactly my point, Jake. Everyone has the capability of doing it. Now the point of contention is how people perceive it when it happens. I know it will always have a negative connotation, but I wish people would also understand the reason behind it and not wallow in the fact that it happened. This is what breaks people apart.”

“Lisa, are you actually defending them?”

“No, for someone who has been abandoned all her life, the last one that you’ll expect to defend them is me. Maybe this is just me hoping for a reason why, so I don’t keep on wallowing, making absurd associations that doesn’t even make sense. Maybe this is me saying that I still believe that we belong to each other, that I have someone whom I can say I belong to no matter what happens.”

“I understand Lily, this is you choosing to believe. Now, go out there and make people believe. Life is too short to be full of doubts and fears right? I’m always gonna be proud of you Lily, who knows I might be one of your pioneer clients, future life coach!”

***

If there is one thing that Lisa has always believed in, it is choice. You always have a choice. The one thing that will never abandon you.

And today, for the first time in years, she makes one.

Lisa weeps.

Drowning every lie she had made herself to believe. Submerging every wall that has been the core foundation of who she is, who she had become.

As every memory of her sister Jisoo and her only constant choice, Jennie eroded the last string of reluctance left in her, Lisa dives into the trenches of the past. Their memories as a family swirls around her thoughts without mercy, it stings as it envelops her. The air bubbles she creates represents the list of possible outcomes in her head once she decides to finally face them and ask the one question that she had been dying to ask.

And just like every other dive, it is exhausting, Lisa needs to resurface for air or else her doubts will drown her once again.

Lisa felt weightless afterwards, as if she’s floating. Letting the remaining memories splash and create ripples around her, strangely enough, it soothes her.  

Her phone chiming breaks her reverie.

One thing is for certain, the vast ocean is a dull blue without the warmth of the sun.

Lisa picks up her phone and reads the message.

From Rosie: Lisa, are you off work? I made a lunchbox; I was wondering if we could eat together? A lady named Somi said you were in a rush to leave the office, is everything okay? Are you busy at the moment?

The sun gives life even in the deepest trenches of the sea, small streak of lights breaking through the surface providing warmth and comfort. Lisa realises she’d love to stay afloat under this sun for the rest of her life.  

She decides to send a reply to the email that she’d been staring at for hours.

To [email protected]: “Not bad, but not good. I am Lisa and I am okay.”

***

Jake raced and coursed through traffic upon hearing that Lisa ditched work.

There must be something wrong, Lisa never leaves work, unless it involves Rosie? Are they getting a kid together? Do I get to be a godfather? I’m sure I’d get premium rights to babysit the little one right?

Jake hurriedly rushed to open Lisa’s door, Lisa never locks her door, it’s one of the little things that Jake hates about Lisa, she always argued that Jisoo and Jennie might come back so she leaves the door unlocked, Jake counters that they can always use the doorbell and that Lisa should always look out for her own safety.

Jake was met by a locked door and a bruised forehead. Now things are getting peculiar, Lisa, his stubborn best friend, has finally learned how to lock her door, what prime timing!

Jake decided to use the doorbell and quickly sent Lisa a text message.

To Lisa: Lily, you finally locked your door! Am I interrupting something? Tell me if I am! Somi said you ditched work, what’s up with that? You never do that!? Are you finally leaving the workaholic club?

He finally hears lousy footsteps approaching, he was ready to scream at his best friend when he was met with tear-streaked eyes and a smile that never reached her eyes.

Instinctively, he responds with a hug. He waits for her to speak.

“Jake, they’re back and I am beyond scared.”

Now he understands why the door is finally locked and his bruised forehead is nothing compared to what his best friend might be feeling right now.