If someone asks what my usual day looks like I respond with. Wake up, get ready, chat with the roommates, go to work, have lessons, learn from one’s mistakes, go home, relax, sleep then repeat. What made everything different was the part that the group was getting busier which meant that the schedule needs to be timed and planned out. Nothing can go to waste. It’s like a partnership what you do on your work time is affected to the others. That’s how the day as supposed to be anyways, but it seems that I couldn’t do that as much.

The change in my usual routine started if we were going back to a week before the Raid of Dream’s comeback. Every InSomnia was speculating about the teasers and all are good. They made me see so many things in perspective, but others made me sad. Whenever I read a theory about JiYoo then my heart hurts and a statement went into my head when reading the comments to someone’s reaction.

A fan’s theory isn’t too far from the truth

They say how Jiu is there to save Yoohyeon. How they are about to fight each other because they don’t know who is who between the dark and the light. How someone is influencing them at the sidelines. How just like the game they have been together since the journey started and are about to come together at the end even if everyone is against them.

I know that for sure I didn’t drive a wedge between the JiYoo ship. I can’t control these feelings, I can’t help but tease the charming charismatic leader. Or play some little pranks with the tree while attending the fan signs or broadcasts. I wanted to be the best version of me to let the InSomnia’s know that I am alright. That letting all the comments not affect the way I handle things. Even during fansign events where the hater would look at me dead in the eye and have such empty eyes when greeting me. It’s like they can be happy when shaking each other's hands but mine seem to take the shine out from in their eyes.

No, Sua you shouldn’t be thinking like this. Be positive. I let out a sigh hoping it’ll relieve my burdens and sorrows but what can I do to make sure that it isn’t going to blow back to me….

Dance. That’s the only thing that takes my mind off things ever since the comeback teasers started. This is how my newly founded routine started.

…

I entered the practice room and felt an instant chill and kind of regretted not grabbing a shirt but no matter I’ll be warm soon enough. I the lights and walked over to the sound system that was used to project the songs to dance to. I looked at my phone and smiled knowing what no fan will ever know.

“I gave Jiu a present but, in her eyes, it might not be the same as having an InSomnia giving it to her but at least she has something matching with me, right?” I say to myself knowing that I’m usually the one who’s in the practice room more often than the others. I pressed shuffle knowing that I can immerse myself into the music and hope that the day passes by quickly, so my heart doesn’t hurt any more than it does today.

“Jiu,” I poked my head to peep on the leader and my crush just pouting on her bunk. “What’s wrong?” I stay in my position fearing that if I were to come in close contact that I might lose all reasoning to keep everything strictly friends.

I heard a sniffle and a mumble that I couldn’t hear clearly from Jiu. I hated how she held all the burdens for being the leader all these years. I just wanted to crawl into her bunk and just cuddle with her. To be her safe haven from the burdening world that is outside her bed. To become a place where she feels like she doesn’t have the weight of the world hanging on her shoulder. I just want to be there for her no matter what happens even if her heart isn’t mine.

“Sorry, Jiu, can you repeat that I didn’t hear you clearly?” I asked hoping to have some small talk with her.

“Leave me alone, Sua, I’m in no mood to talk,” Jiu responded back to me and my heart fell to my stomach leaving the feeling of numbness in my chest. Tears welled in my eyes as I bit back my tears.

“If you ever need anything, I’m here for you, ya?” I waited for a reply, but I never got one and Jiu didn’t know that I left her room crying myself to sleep.

…

I listened to how Jiu recollected the memory of how she lost her new iPhone that was a gift from an InSomnia. My heart broke as I had to keep a straight face in the vlive. I couldn’t break yet again for not wiping that smile off her face. I knew I had to do something, but I didn’t know what to be exact. After the vlive I watched how Jiu took her phone and called Yoohyeon. She was so happy to get her mind off of the incident that my heart was aching in pain knowing that I’ll never be the support she needs.

I sighed and left the room making sure that no one would see the pain I harbored, the tears that have been shed and the cries I silently hold at the back of my throat. No one should see me like this because my pain will only burden Jiu which I will never let that happen. Even if it’s to save my life I won’t tell her my woes. I need to be strong and not cause too many problems for her.

That is why I make a fool out of myself. To make her stress ease just a little bit if she is laughing at me. That’s why I just smile for everyone to see that it’s alright to laugh because we are people before idols.

Breathless I walked to the stereo system and let the music play while I take a break. I couldn’t push myself too much knowing that it’ll only upset Jiu. Why someone might ask it’s because it’s a pain to deal with someone’s problems when you are too busy to handle it. So, I learned to solve my problems myself because Jiu can’t help me all the time plus it is about her.

“Hey Jiu,” I looked around the dorm room to make sure no one was watching. Jiu looked up from her phone with tired eyes and my mind told me that she no longer loves me like a friend. I was just another one of her burdens, but I stood strong. Well… tried to anyways. “I have a present for you,” My heart was beating against my chest as I was getting nervous. Hoping that she might like it. I watched her eyebrows scrunch up in confusion. She couldn’t get any cuter than this my heart won’t take it.

“But it isn’t my birthday,” She tilted her head to the side, and I think my mind just blew up right there. She killed me on the cute-o-meter. However, I calmed down because that’s something Yoohyeon would do and I remember back to the showcase for what.

“When you are in love you begin to look like each other,” Her words rang in my mind and I felt my heart calm down from that memory. I smile at her and shake my head to hide my pain.

“I just wanted to thank you for being a great leader. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for your efforts,” I handed her a bag that I chose hoping that she might like it.

“Awe, you didn’t have to get me anything,” Jiu smiled at me and I swear I could die right there.

“I know but I want to,” I smiled knowing that I would do anything for her. She stretched her hand to grab the bag but disappeared. I was greeted with silence as I knew I was going insane from bottling all these feelings up. I looked around the room and sighed in relief that no one saw what I was doing or who I talking to. I placed the bag that was littered with white rabbits and had a pink background on her bed. A gift from me to her as I pretended to be an InSomnia fan gifting her a present.

She won’t know it was me since I had one of the friends write the card for me. She won’t know that I used my latest paycheque to pay for her gift. She won’t know that I struggled to choose the right present for so many days. She doesn’t know how much thought and planning went into this. It’s the perfect set up and no one will know about it.

I walked out of the room but not before looking back at the present and hope she likes it. I bid that gift that was once mine a happy life with Jiu because I know that it’s the closest item, I can give to her that will make everything easier. I enter my room and open my desk drawer seeing the duplicate box of what I got Jiu sitting there with the shrink-wrap gone. It has to look real or else the plan won’t work. How else was I supposed to get Jiu the iPhone 8 plus red edition without it being suspicious?

I get a chocolate version of our cell phones while Jiu gets the real one. We can match and no one will know because they won’t make that connection. She will be happy that an InSomnia gifted her another phone. This time she will cherish it while I have something that is the same as Jiu’s. No one can ruin this small thing we have in common, not even the fans and I hope that it stays this way.

I sat down and leaned against the wall as I just listen to the music and feel all my muscles thanking me for the small break. I close my eyes and all I could see is the image of Jiu. It’s always been Jiu. Jiu in the morning, Jiu in the afternoon, Jiu in the evening, when I brush my teeth, when I run, when I dance, when I sing, when I do anything she is always there. Sometimes I feel like she is standing right beside me just encouraging me to confess everything to her. I open my eyes and I see her standing there just smiling at me. I smile back at her as I get up from my spot. I reach out to hold her hand.

“Hey, you,” I started but grab nothing because she wasn’t real, just a figment of my imagination. I clench my fist and hear a small chuckle. I look over and see one of her precious laughs that made me smile as well. “Is it that funny?” Jiu looks up at me and nods before laughing once more. I laugh along with her and I confess a secret that I know no one will know. “I love you, Kim Jiu, and I don’t know how much longer my heart can take this pain.” Jiu smiles sadly at me and my heart hurts more knowing I caused that expression, but I know that image isn’t real because she fades out from my sight. Making me stand all alone in the practice room. I sigh as I rub my neck knowing that this problem needs to be solved but I don’t want it to end. So, I go back to practicing my dances because hard work makes the fans and Jiu happy.

I let out a shaky breath as my vision is getting watery. I can feel my fingers becoming cold and sweaty. I need to get my emotions under control. Push them all down. Don’t let anyone know. You can do this. Just a little bit longer then you can let it out when you sleep. “Okay, back to work,” I tell myself and changed the song to Breaking Out to perfect the moves since everything is fast paced and there shouldn’t be no room for error. I needed everything to be perfect but also find some chances to do some fanservice. That is what Jiu would want to appreciate the fans and I love them as well because I can see the smile that is etched into her face whenever we see them. I am thankful for them, but nothing beats them more is when she is with Yoohyeon.

“Yoohyeonie!” I watched as Jiu flung her arms around Yoohyeon and she just shyly smiles at her. My mind shuts down in expressing any pain and I move to leave them alone. No need to tease them today because I’m too exhausted. I just had a run in with a fan that looked at me as if I was homeless day that hadn’t been properly taken care of in months. His eyes looked so dead and his smile dropped. I heard his tongue click and my whole body froze but I did my best to make sure that it didn’t affect me. I gave him a thank you and shook his hand, hoping that no one say my hesitation.

“Jiu Unnie,” I didn’t hear the rest because my heart can’t handle any more pain today. I quickly walked into the room I share with Yoohyeon, but she rarely comes in to sleep anymore. Thank the lord for that, I can cry all I want, and no one will know. Just like how they don’t know my phone is almost always needing to be put on silent from the texts that has been receiving praises or hate. They don’t know the extra pleadings I ask the managers to put me in more sessions away from the group in my spare time. They don’t know that I feel like I’m drowning in my emotions and pains. They don’t know that I am pulling away from them more and more as the comeback comes closer.

I close the door to my room and get into my bunk, closing the drape over my bed again. Even with all those barriers I can hear them happily chat away about anything and they can go on for hours. Closing my eyes all I could see is myself on the sidelines as a couple feet away there was Jiu and Yoohyeon holding hands giving each other smiles. They look so content that they don’t even need words to just be with each other.

I hear the intimate scene for me, and Jiu come up and I brace myself.

“Baby,” My spine shivers when she uses that soft voice like she is saying it into my ears only. “I throw everything away, even the past,” I hear her line and I hope that she would forget about Yoohyeon to be with me, but I know that will never happen. That small touch on her shoulder is possibly the only reward I have to being close to Jiu. I sing out my lines with so much pain in my voice.

“I am seeking for the light,” Any light to get me away from this horror of a routine. Please make it go away. “Even if someone tries to stop me,” No one can because it’s already too late, “You can’t stop my heart,” I pause any dance movements as I could feel Jiu’s fingers caressing my arms as if I was fragile. Such a soft touch erupted so many fires within me. When she twirled me, I felt like we were the only ones in the room. My heart tells me to just stop when we meet face to face and just steal a quick kiss. Send a small smile and turn around like it was the most natural thing in the world to continue the dance. But it’s not going to come true. Because she is never mine. Because it is nothing more than a fantasy.

The music finished and the whole room went silent. All I could hear were my heavy breathes, the small creaking here and there, and the ventilation in the room. My phone started ringing and I had to pick it up since I’ve been in the practice room for hours now. One of the members is probably looking for me… maybe. I didn’t look at the caller ID and just picked it up.

“Hello?” I questioned as my breathing still wasn’t back to normal.

“Hey,” I hear her sweet voice ring into my ear causing me to drop my phone.

“No!” I quickly pick it up, “Are you okay? Did you get hurt?” I questioned hoping I didn’t hurt Jiu even for a small second.

“No no I’m fine.” I heard her laugh through the phone but I still worried. “I was just calling to see if you are going to make it to dinner and to also ask where you are,” I love how she cares for the members like this.

“I might not make it,” I reply as I couldn’t stomach the fact that her and Yoohyeon will act coupley at the dining table. “I’m still running some practice runs for the recording of Breaking Out.” I smoothly lie as I know I got everything down. I just wanted to listen to Jiu say Baby over and over again. “So, you girls can eat without me,” I clench onto my phone as I close my eyes when Jiu responds.

“Okay cool see you tomorrow,” She dismissed it like it was nothing. I wasn’t anything more but a friend and a co-worker.

“Yah,” My voice cracked in pain as it slipped out letting Jiu hear it loud and clear. My eyes widened in shock. I shouldn’t have done that. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I couldn’t face Jiu with what just happened. I need to properly explain it to her, but I can’t not right now. I immediately put my phone into airplane mode and begin playing the music again. This time I bring the volume up enough to not hear my footsteps. I need to continue practicing. Maybe that way I can just tell her that I was too breathless to say it right and just choked a yah out due to lack of water. I looked at the mirror ready to practice once more and all I could see is Jiu staring at me with a look of disapproval. I need to move on from her or else I’ll go crazy.

Jiu’s POV

I heard the phone abruptly click and I knew that Sua just hung up on me. She sounded different and I don’t know how to put it, but I don’t like this feeling that something is wrong. However, she would tell me if anything was wrong with her. I mean we are all friends possibly even family so what’s there to hide. We are all here for her no matter what. Maybe I am overthinking things as I hear my name called for dinner and I never miss a meal no matter what.

We were eating and looking through our phones as I was watching the recent GotCha show Sua and Gahyeon was in. I didn’t have any time to watch it so might as well entertain myself.

“What would be the use of 1 million won for nothing?” I watched as the show went on.

“For REALLY nothing?” I smiled seeing how shocked Sua was and Gahyeon’s reply was nonchalant but agrees.

“For really nothing,” Sua looked in deepish thought and responded.

“New phones? Yeah, it’s really nothing to me,” I questioned why she would buy a new phone but also understood why getting a new phone would be for nothing since she has a perfectly good one now.

“But you bought a new one recently,” Gahyeon retorted and that shocked me.

“Oh yeah, pfft, that’s why it’s nothing to me, pfft” Sua recalled laughing and I had no words. I didn’t know that Sua bought a new phone I don’t see her using it. Maybe she got one in case something like my situation with the gift from InSomnia might happen. I continued watching until the end as dinner finished quickly. I was left worrying about Sua as it had been about 90 minutes since the call, and she has yet to come home.

Everyone retired to their beds but still no sign of Sua returning home and something doesn’t feel right. Everyone else is in their own world as we approach the comeback, so we are getting busy with promotions and lessons. I had to do something, so I went into Sua and Yoohyeon’s room to just look around because I usually borrow Sua’s clothes as she likes baggy clothes for comfort.

I entered the room and was greeted with silence as Yoohyeon doesn’t go in her room because she usually cuddles with Siyeon. They are so adorable and every time Yoohyeon comes to me just to rant about how cute Siyeon is, makes me happy that the members are all happy. Yoohyeon is a breath of fresh air from everything that has been happening since me being a leader is a huge responsibility and we just click as friends of course.

I looked around the semi messy room as Sua usually cleans her room the most I find her closet organized enough for me to see a section that has the clothes I usually borrow from her. I see her desk full of makeup and what not wasn’t littered all over as most of the members were. The floor was clean, and her bed was made. Though there was something out of place and me being so curious went to go see it. There was a red box near her pillow that was covered by the blanket. I saw the iPhone box which I knew that was the new phone Gahyeon was talking about. Sua said it was nothing so why is it tucked so secretly in her blanket?

“That’s so weird,” I pondered as I opened the box to find it looking different than the usual unboxings. I know since it’s the same model as mine. I picked up the phone and found a tag to open the plastic off. Why would Sua have a brand-new phone that hasn’t been used at her bed? I looked closer and found that I had made an indent on the phone. I panicked and tried to fix it only for me to rip off the plastic and found that the whole thing was made of chocolate. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right, so I packed the chocolate phone in its box and started running to Sua. I needed answers and fast.

Sua’s POV

I was sitting in the practice room waiting for everyone to fall asleep that way I don’t see Yoohyeon not in her bed again. That way I don’t hear giggling coming from Jiu, Dami and Siyeon’s room. I was staring at the image of Jiu I had somehow conjured up once more and she was just staring at me with a smile on her face and the phone I got her in her hand.

“How am I supposed to move on from you if I keep seeing you everywhere, I go?” I said out loud knowing that no one is going to answer. I huffed and laid on the floor, so I don’t see Jiu anymore, but it was a blessing and a curse. Because I saw Jiu looking down at me and I closed my eyes as I listen to my music blasting throughout the room.

“You know that this is a complete waste of company resources,” I hear Jiu finally say as I open my eyes to see Jiu still in the same spot.

“No one books this room late at night and besides I’m taking a break. You’ve seen me practice for the past 3 hours. I think I’m entitled to let my body rest for some time.” I respond back to her knowing that she isn’t going to disappear anytime soon. I swear if anyone sees me like this, I’ll be sent to the looney bin.

“You can always go back home to rest I hear it’s a great place to relax instead of the floor,” I see her sad smile which I hate bringing upon her.

“You know that I can’t go back there yet,” I responded, and I got a confused look on her which I smiled at her facial expression, “Besides you know I’ve stayed overnight at the company before. It’ll be no problem for me to sleep here again. No one will know nor mind.” I shrugged as I remember waking up to having some sore spots cause of the hardwood floor.

“No, I didn’t know that. This is the first time I’m hearing of this,” She responded, and I was becoming confused.

“Yes, you have, Jiu, you were the one who silently agreed when I brought it up a couple months back,” Was I projecting the Jiu who didn’t know what I was doing onto this one? Do I desperately want her to know what I have been doing that way it’s easier to come clean and not feel the guilt eating me alive?

“I would have remembered saying yes to you sleeping in the practice room when there is a perfectly comfy bed at the dorms,” She was getting angry as the real Jiu would have done.

“You know I can’t go back to the dorms. You know how much it hurts me to go back and I know you know that I hate hurting you, but you see me hurt all the time. So why on earth are you getting angry when I am just making sure I don’t get to see your sad or painful expression all the time.” I was getting angry at my own figment of imagination. That’s it, I’m probably going to have to go to the asylum after this. Love makes you do crazy things.

“You keep saying that I know all these things, but I didn’t know anything you just said until now,” I looked at her with disbelief and decided to reach out to remind myself that this convo isn’t real. My hand came in contact with soft, muscular and solid thigh until it was swatted away. My eyes widened in shock as I scramble to sit up and look at the Jiu who was standing there with a painful yet very angry expression.

“Uhm… you weren’t supposed to hear that,” I responded hoping that Jiu would drop the whole confession. Jiu gave me the ‘really’ look and I knew I was in trouble. I also noticed that my music wasn’t on anymore and wondered how long she had been there.

“Oh, really then who was supposed to hear that? The air? Cause last I recalled in this convo you were looking at me and called my name when responding to me,” Jiu seemed really angry and she did make a point though it was supposed to be with imaginary Jiu not the real one. The real one is quite scary when she is pissed off. “Anyways, I came to ask you something about this,” She waved the red box in front of me and I froze in my spot. How did she know it was me? No… just play it cool.

“You were going through my things?” I questioned as I tried to remain calm but it’s kind of hard when your crush's attention is on you and only you.

“It’s cause one would wonder why you might need a second phone only to find out that it’s chocolate,” Jiu answered as she opened the box and showed the chocolate that seemed not so perfect anymore.

“It’s a long going prank that everyone still believes it’s real,” I smoothly tell the lie that I had rehearsed in front of the mirror everyday in case I get caught.

“Gahyeon said that she was there when you purchased it,” Jiu retorted, and I was at a loss thinking at how to get out of this one.

“Erm, I bought it for a friend as a gift,” I look away from her eyes hoping that she doesn’t figure out that she was the friend.

“Oh, and why did you buy a phone for your friend?”

“Because she broke hers and didn’t have money to buy another one, so I got her one. It was a special moment.”

“You said on television that getting a new phone means nothing to you,” Jiu crossed her arms while I was getting nervous. I mean why would Jiu care about this so much.

“And it does mean nothing to me. If I were to do it all over again I will because I want to help my friend. So, the phone means nothing to me since I’m not the one that is using it.” I responded back

“Then why the chocolate, Sua? You bought a phone then get a chocolate phone that hasn’t been eaten and tucked at your bedside.” Jiu pressed on and I don’t know why she wanted to know. Usually she just dismisses my actions so why on earth is she so adamant about this.

“I just told you that I wanted to play a prank on everyone else so why do you care so much if I bought chocolate that is the same brand of your phone?” I was getting frustrated with the constant why’s and confrontation that I just wanted to be done with this entire conversation.

“What?” I stiffen my body once again and recollect what I just said to her. Not once did she mention that the chocolate was the same thing as her phone. I messed up big time.

“Nothing,” I wanted to run out of the room but with all the practice I did I know that Jiu would catch up to me in no time.

“That friend is me?” Jiu looked at the chocolate then to me.

“No,” I quickly replied as Jiu raised one of her eyebrows at me. Oh, how cute she looks when she is in disbelief.

“No?” She questioned my answer as I slowly start looking away from her eyes.

“No,” I confirmed hoping that she doesn’t catch my lie.

“Really no?” She asked again I nodded.

“Yes, really no,” We continued this game until I wasn’t even looking at her anymore.

“If it was a no then look me in the eyes and say it again,” I heard Jiu say and I couldn’t lie to her. Not when I could feel myself regret ever lying to her.

“I can’t,” I confess, and I know that I will probably regret this decision.

“Why can’t you do it if you said that it’s not for me,” Jiu pressed on as if she needed to hear the truth from my lips.

“Because the friend is you. I didn’t want anyone to be suspicious that I gave you a gift. They will think that I pitied you but that was far from it. I hate how you seemed so sad when you lost the fan gift. I swore that if it were in my power, I would do anything to bring that smile back onto your face.” I confessed as I could feel the chilling heart ache of rejection coming up. How am I supposed to face her now? We work together for crying out loud. If I were to just dismiss imaginary Jiu this wouldn’t have happened. “So, I did. I looked through my phone and thought carefully on how I would make you smile just a little bit. I thought back to this one YouTube prank where you can get a phone box and have chocolate the same weight as a real one sent to you. It was perfect, no one will know about what I have done since I’m usually the selfish one right? I usually do things to make myself look good. So, saying that I got myself a new phone no one will think that I was giving it off to anyone” I might as well tell her everything just so my heart can finally move on from her. I looked away from Jiu hoping that she would leave me alone so I can just cry in pain. So, I can finally be free with this secret that I was supposed to keep quiet. I felt warm arms wrap around me and I could smell her vanilla scent.

“I guess we both will be holding onto this fact,” I hear her whisper next to my ear. “Thank you… for everything,” I hear her say and I couldn’t form the words to respond back. “Come on, Sua,” I felt her tug on my hand as she pulled me out of the practice room and turning off the lights. “You need some real rest in a bed that isn’t going to give you a cold or one that really stinks of sweat.” I just let her drag me along until we came back to the dorms. I thought Jiu would just shove me into my room and lock the door, but she joined me. “Come on, Sua, it’s late at night and we really need our sleep,” I was confused at what was happening and before I could think of anything my mouth just responded with.

“You do realize that you are going to be sleeping in the same room as me while your lover is in your room waiting for you to return right?” You should really start filtering yourself because this honesty spree might get you hated even more. Jiu looked at me with a blank face.

“Yoohyeon is sleeping with Siyeon so I got no one to go back to now hurry up your bed is calling us,” Jiu ushered me to my bed.

“Us? You can use Yoohyeon’s bed you know,” I gave her another option, but Jiu shook her head.

“And let you run off to the practice room where you would apparently have conversations with me no thanks. You are staying right where I can see and touch you,” Jiu reasoned but what she doesn’t know is that I booked the room again early in the morning. “You can always tell the manager that you were too tired to attend the booking,” Oops I said that out loud, didn't I? “Yeah you did which means you need sleep,”

“I’ll still be dreaming of you in the practice room though,” I said, and I just watched Jiu blush at my comment. She grabbed a pillow and pushed me into my bunk.

“Sleep you flirty weirdo,” I smiled at her cute antics as her ear tips were getting red. “Also, I’m taking your chocolate phone because I’m hungry after running to see you,”

“Then stop giving me ammunition to tease you with,” I retort back as I watched Jiu pull out the chocolate phone and take a bite out of it.

“Milk chocolate, my favorite,” Jiu said as she did a happy dance while eating it.

“Not as much as seeing you have a smile on your face,” Jiu stopped and look me in the eyes.

“Where do you keep saying these words?” She was getting embarrassed how cute.

“It helps when you had the chocolate in your room for the past couple months. Naturally you become a sweet talker,” I threw a bunch of words out and Jiu only shook her head.

“Come on off to bed, we are going to have a long chat about this.” Jiu urged on and I had a thought of just pulling her into a kiss and blame it on the crazy, but I won’t… yet. I’ll save that until next time.