“The chances of me falling in love with you are 0.01%” That was the first sentence I heard my wife say to me when we first met each other in private. Our marriage was simply out of convenience and not out of love. I only got married to get my family off my back into settling down with someone from a good background while I was still in my prime time. My wife’s case is that her family was poor and needed financial backing to help them out have a better life.

I wasn’t angry that my wife said that she wouldn’t fall in love with me because I was the same. I wasn’t in love with her since she was just a random file I pulled off of my father’s desk one day when we were talking about me settling down. I loved the look on his face when he read over the file with just a shocked and confused face. His words if I recalled were along the lines of.

“It looks like you really can’t judge a book by its cover… sigh… I won’t have any sons in this family huh.” He looked so sad, but I didn’t know why he was talking about until I read the file myself.

Name: Kim Minji (Jiu)

Birthdate: May 17, 1994

Age: 24

Gender: Female

Hobbies: Going to historical places, traveling, and famous shop tasting

Occupation: Freelancing blogger

I simply understood what my choice was, but I didn’t back down know that an arranged marriage is something that isn’t for one’s love. I was simply there to keep my family happy nothing more and nothing less. So, when Kim Minji came to the house she looked at me with confusion but requested to talk to me in private. There we set out terms for our marriage and what we are supposed to do and what not to do.

1. To sleep in separate rooms
2. No need for PDA unless necessary
3. Sleeping around is allowed

I thought carefully about this contract and finally signed it knowing that I have nothing to lose. Now, it has been only a year since I have been married to Kim Minji, but I must call her Jiu to avoid any suspicion. It’s been 2 years since I have met Minji and it seems that she is always on a business trip, but I don’t mind at all since I’m used to being all alone. I remember the days and I have been counting that Minji hasn’t once celebrated a birthday with me.

“I will say this one and only once. Since our marriage is more like a partnership I wish not to dive in mixing my personal matters with my professional ones. You, I must say are one of the people who are in my professional matters so whatever I do on my business has no concern to you nor would it be you who warms my bed at night,” Jiu looked at her iced coffee without looking at me. I felt nothing about it as it made sense to think of such matters like that. “The likelihood of us ever crossing any lines or finding comfort in each other’s arms without the use of alcohol or drugs is nothing more but a 1%,” Jiu added as she sipped her coffee and I only nodded as I had nothing against her words. I’d rather take in honesty rather than to be sugar coated in lies. It’s better not to mention my birthday to her since I mean nothing to her. I thought to myself as I just smiled at her hoping that she would catch on this little secret I decided to keep to myself.

When I found out that she was going to hang out with friends on my birthday I only smiled as she left the household that we both pooled our money together.

“I’m leaving,” Was all she said as she didn’t even look at me before slamming the door to the garage. I sighed as I went into the kitchen and pulled out a cupcake and placed a candle on it.

“Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to myself, happy birthday to me,” I softly sang to myself as I didn’t feel the tears knowing that I was once again celebrating my birthday alone in a house that lacked the warm you usually find in a loving home. My phone buzzed, and it has people saying happy birthday. To them, they were glad that I was born to myself I felt like it was another day to myself where I was utterly alone.

I didn’t think that I wouldn’t be telling her my birthday at all even when 2 summers went by so quickly. Though I want to say to be fair I don’t know hers either but… I do know hers… it’s was on her file. So, when her birthday comes I just say happy birthday and give her a present. Nothing extravagant but it was something she adored which was her lovely choco pies. I don’t know if she knows but I handmade the present myself. Though she doesn’t know that because I don’t want her to think I’m trying to win her heart over or anything. I just wanted to do something nice to her as she was my easy way out of my family’s meddling nature and pestering to get married. “Happy birthday,” I would silently say to her as I smile seeing her face giving me a soft smile when I give her the choco pie that I have carefully sealed into the wrapper that had been opened a long time ago.

Chuckling at the rather fond memory I recall that time with Jiu was all good and bad memories. Sometimes she would come home from work with this exhausted look on her face and I would just make her a cool beverage no matter what the weather was out there. She had this weird thing that she has to drink something cold. I find her little taste cute, but I cannot about it since we aren’t even friends. We only have at least 6 conversations in a week but sometimes she would go on a business trip and not come back for several months.

Ka-chunk the door closed, and I know it’s Jiu since me and her live in the house all to ourselves. No maids nor any butlers. We don’t need any prying eyes into our fake relationship. I sigh knowing that the house won’t be lively once again. I begin to walk to the door where there stood my wife in a suit, but something was different. There hanging on Jiu’s arm was someone else who was very… close to Jiu in a way I can never be. Pinch Something in my chest tightens and I cannot comprehend what is going on, but I watch as Jiu’s dazzling smile and soft gaze is reserved for the person who has claimed on her arm. I swiftly turn my heel and walk back to my room. I wait until I hear them pass my door with all the giggling and I leave the house all to them. I have no right to intrude on their time together as me and Jiu have agreed to not interfere in other’s personal business.

As I leave my home I notice that the moon is shining brightly tonight but instantly shiver at the chilly touch the wind seems to try and comfort me with. Tears well up into my eyes as I cover my mouth to suppress a sound that is dying to come out. I have no right to be selfish. I cannot voice out my own wishes as I am yet another intruder into someone else’s life. I wonder to myself if I should disappear and make sure to have no one look for me. Gazing up at the moon which only seems to be my only friend for the night as the stars stay hidden.

“Did you know that the bright lights we see here today are from stars all the way into the universe? That what we are looking at are the remnants of what was once there. These stars you see before us are already dead and soon going to be forgotten.” Jiu said as I was staring up at the starry sky that made its way past through the city lights and was shining it’s brightest. I looked at her as she didn’t bother looking at the sky with me. We were attending a social event to keep up with appearances. I didn’t look at Jiu as I found myself just listening to her breathing or just slow sips of her wine. “Truly I wonder if those stars are like our marriage, it’s been dead since the moment it’s been born but everyone just sees it brightly shining until it’s no longer there,” Jiu compared as I only hummed in response.

“Sometimes dead things can come back to life but it’s not going to be the same as it once was.” I responded as I heard a little sigh.

“You sure are optimistic, Sua,” Jiu pointed out the obvious usually I would be annoyed at it but today seems different.

“I’d like to see something on the positive side rather than looking at all the cons,” I grasped onto Jiu’s wine glass and took a sip out of it before walking back to attend the party.

I didn’t realize how long I was outside for but somehow, I returned back to the home that didn’t feel right for me. There I saw Jiu in a loving embrace with someone else as she kissed her, my heart hurt but in the end, my face stayed still even when they broke apart. They looked at me in shock though I started the conversation.

“Please go on, I’m just here to sleep and that’s all. You girls look wonderful together.” I urged on as I refused to look at either of them in the eye and brushed past them without breaking down. When I went into my room there went the waterworks as I just wanted the pain to no longer ache. The scene of knowing that Jiu wouldn’t be mine hurts even though I knew that we were in a partnership. I somehow fell for the person I was married to.

Years went by and I have still yet to have a partner to cheat on Jiu with, but I haven’t told her. Instead, I come up with lies that I have whenever she is on her business trip or when she is home I would rent myself a hotel to make it more real. I don’t want her to think that I have fallen for her even though I have. I began writing in a notebook of her likes and dislikes. I cook for her and she enjoys it but then again, she eats anything, so I guess there is no bonus points for me.

I shop for only the necessities that I need to keep my stomach full and her home comfy. Well, sometimes I shop only for them but some other times if I see something I like maybe a new kitchen knife or a glue gun possibly a calligraphy brush then I will buy them. Even though I can spend my wife’s money I feel nothing when I cannot give her anything in return. My smiles don’t do much good and my health is something that probably isn’t on the top of her list.

I sigh to myself and look at the clear blue sky that isn’t touched a single cloud. Maybe that’s a sign of our marriage. It’s so clean that if I were to act on my feelings it’ll taint the beautiful sky. No need for complications and if it gets out of hand it’ll be messy.

I shake my head giving the reason that my feelings for her are nothing but my heart longs for her. It longs to talk to her, to get one of her smiles directed to me, to be in the same room as her, to at least once kissing her. Before I knew it I found myself in front of the house once more with tears and a shaky heart at the entrance. I hoped that Jiu didn’t see me in such a weak state, but my wishes weren’t answered when the door swung open revealing a disheveled Jiu with a look of worry and concern all over her face. Once she saw me she released a sigh and her face was replaced with an emotionless expression.

“Where were you?” Jiu said as she looked into my eyes and I swear I could drown in her devoid chocolate eyes.

“Shopping,” I simply said as I had to maintain my attitude to make sure she doesn’t know my secret.

“You are returning awfully late to be shopping…” She glanced at my hand. “And with few items as well,” She pointed out until she notices something. “Your eyes are puffy. Why?” She simply stated.

“Yeah, that’s what happens when your fling no longer wants you and have been using you,” I threw in a lie hoping that Jiu doesn’t catch it. Seeing how Jiu didn’t react I left her standing there until I hear her mumble.

“They don’t deserve your tears,” After those words, I was pulled into a hug. “You’ll find someone else don’t you worry,” I only nodded not knowing what to say but I did know that I didn’t want to leave her arms. They were so warm, safe and secure that I could stay in them all day however that moment was short lived when she pulled away. Jiu gave a small smile before leaving me all alone in the corridor.

I didn’t think I could actually do it, but this is what my heart needed. To be away from my wife and the one who I have caught feelings for. I can no longer handle the pain that came along with it and I think my heart is finally tired of repeatedly getting hurt.

So... I found myself sitting on a bench and looking at a vast ocean. I was on a boat that was leading me to anywhere away from Jiu.

I sent her off with a smile.

She didn’t even notice a thing.

Was it the right choice to leave her?

Would she finally be free from this contract of a marriage?

Will I get over my love for her?

Was it bad that I didn’t confess my love to her and have her hate me?

Will I truly be happy without her by my side?

I thought as I could only sigh and watched the never-ending ocean before me while my mind went back to earlier today.

Jiu was putting on her shoes as always and there I was with my heart pounding on what I was about to do next. I mustered up the courage to bid her like with her next business trip. I don’t know if she is to take that trip with the fine lady named Kim Yoohyeon but I’m glad that Jiu has found happiness. They have been warming Jiu’s bed for 3 years so I’m thinking it’s serious enough for me to not interfere in such a lovely romance.

I gaze upon the gift I have wrapped up for this day and soon I found myself calling her name out.

“Minji!” Jiu. Jiu. How I wish to be closer to you to actually call you Jiu once more, but I broke that bond and you didn’t stop me. She looked back at me with confusion all over your face. I shoved the gift into your hands as I felt myself blushing for being this mess of a person in front of her. “F-for you… during... your l-long t-trip!” I looked up into her eyes that always observe me.

“Choco pie?” Jiu opened the gift and I only nodded hoping that she doesn’t realize I have caught feelings for her. She looked at me and gave me a small smile. “Thank you, I’ll eat it once I get to the airport.” I couldn’t help but smile along with her just by hearing those words. “I’ll see you once I get back from my trip, right?” Jiu said with a little uncertainty as my heart picked up the pacing. Does she know about my plans? No, of course not, I made sure to buy the tickets with my own pocket money. I offered her an innocent smile and responded.

“Of course, you will. Where else would I be?” Jiu’s eyes soften when she looked at me. I have no idea what kind of thoughts were running through her head, but I knew my heart was getting hopeful.

“I have to go,” She whispered, and my heart wished that she would have whispered that right into my ear while just giving me a small kind of skinship possibly an embrace that makes me feel that I was so precious to her that she would be afraid of breaking me, but it never came.

I nodded as I watched her reach for the doorknob and hoped that she would feel relieved not being tied to me any longer. However, with that thought, I felt a sudden heavy heart as I didn’t want her to depart once more.

“Wait!” I called out and she turned her head to look at me. “I...,” What am I doing I shouldn’t burden her with these feelings of mine. I stopped myself from saying the next words and instead say. “I hope you have a safe trip,” She looked into my eyes for a moment as if she was waiting for something else, but I had nothing else to say to her. She sighed and headed out the door.

Once the door closed my smile dropped and my heart dropped too. I knew that this was going to be the last time we would ever see each other. I began walking to my room to grab my already packed items which weren’t much, to begin with. I looked at the desk that held the papers that I wished I never held but, in the end, kept for this day. It was the divorce papers and I had already finished writing all the necessary information to make it as smooth as possible. I just haven’t signed it because if I do it would make everything a reality. I hesitated in signing the dotted line hoping that Jiu would come back to the house and see what I was doing but she never came.

In the end, I signed the papers and wrote a letter about why I left. I also wrote down that she shouldn’t find me and to have happiness with Kim Yoohyeon the one who truly makes her smile.

I’m selfish to try and keep Jiu all to myself I know that but perhaps I was also hoping that she would come to have feelings for me but that was wishful thinking.

All I can say is happy birthday to myself as I let go to the one thing that might have given me my true happiness in life.