Wonwoo couldn't sleep. He tossed and his bed like a ship at sea. His bedcovers were either too cold or too hot, no inbetween, and everytime he closed his eyes he felt wide awake. These were the nights he wished he still had Mingyu by his side.

The notebook had put him into a violent mental conflict. It had helped him remember why he fell in love with Mingyu in the first place but also why it hurt so much to love him now. Wonwoo didn't hate Mingyu for what he did, nor did he dislike him, he was just disappointed and that was so much worse.

Wonwoo thought, as he pulled his covers up to his chin (the air had turned icey cold again), that maybe Mingyu was having trouble sleeping too. The heavy bags under his eyes and the way he stood behind the counter at SVTea made it obvious he hadn't gotten much sleep since he kissed Joshua. If he called him right now there was a possibility he would pick up. They could talk, sort things out, fix it all. Then Wonwoo remembered how horrible he felt when his heart broke; as if a bullet- no- an entire canonball had torn through his chest, the way his lungs throbbed and stomach churned and how he felt as if he was about to throw up. He never wanted to feel that again and if that meant no Mingyu then he was fine with that.

However, a tear stung in his right eye and Wonwoo realised that he was wrong. He would never be fine without Mingyu.

The notebook sat on his bedside table taunting him through the dark. He wanted to burn it yet keep it safe and treasure it as if it were a ruby. He watched it lay idly and rubbed his eyes hoping no more tears would fall. The clock above his bed read 4.40 am. Wonwoo had work tomorrow.

He pulled the cover over his head and willed himself to sleep. After another hour of restlessness and a few more thoughts of Mingyu he drifted off.

-

Wonwoo finished work at 5, an hour before SVTea closed. He had brought the notebook to work with him and the parcel Mingyu had given him too. He hadn't looked inside of it in fear it would bring back a memory he wasn't prepared to remember. Once he had signed out and waved goodbye to Seohyun, Wonwoo took a taxi across town to the little coffee shop with a handmade open sign.

Seokmin was sitting in his spot by the window opposite Joshua who was smiling, it made Wonwoo feel sick to the stomach and warm with anger. How dare he be happy when Wonwoo was not. He sighed away his clenched fists and shook his head, now wasn't the time to cause a fuss.

Mingyu was sitting at the counter staring at an empty table across the café. Wonwoo wondered what he was thinking about, maybe it was him. He opened the door and the bell that he couldn't hear rang above his head. Joshua looked his way and Wonwoo sent him a stare that said " you" in the harshest way possible. Mingyu noticed and might've smirked but Wonwoo couldn't tell.

"Hey," He said as Wonwoo reached the counter. His eyes were sad even though he was smiling.

"Hey," Wonwoo replied. The atmosphere was awkward and painful so Wonwoo dumped the notebook and parcel and the counter to fill an upcoming silence.

"Did you-"

"Yeah, I read it."

Mingyu sighed, possibly out of relief or probably because Wonwoo clearly wasn't there to forgive him.

"You know you hurt me..." he continued.

Mingyu nodded and frowned.

"And I know you still love me," Wonwoo bit his lip, "and I love you too. We had something so precious, you know, I'll never forget that. But you're a ing idiot."

Wonwoo's voice cracked and Mingyu immediately stood up from his seat and hurried around the counter to give him a hug. He was wearing a grey jumper, it smelt of his soap and was soft against Wonwoo's cheek.

Mingyu never wanted to let him go. Before he ruined their relationship he was planning on asking Wonwoo to move in with him. He was convinced they would be together forever and knows he will never forgive himself for ruining that. Recently Mingyu had cut Joshua out of his life in anger, thankfully he wasn't too hurt and seemed to understand even after all he had put Mingyu through beforehand.

Wonwoo said the rest of what he had planned into Mingyu's chest while he dampened the grey jumper with tears.

"I can't sleep without you and I know you can't sleep without me. Everyday I see that painting on the wall you made me and smell your stupid cologne on literally everything I own and those things are just telling me exactly what we both already know; we can't live without eachother. I hate that I don't want to be without you but at the same time I don't want to be with you either. You're a dickhead, Mingyu. An attractive, lovely, sweet, stupid dickhead. I miss you but how can I trust you ever again?"

Mingyu didn't reply, he didn't have an answer. It wasn't as simple as a short "But you can" because Mingyu doesn't know whether that was true. When he kissed Joshua it wasn't something he wanted to do or even thought about doing, it was a spur of the moment plea for his safety and most definitely not an act of affection, but he did it anyway and that's what he hated himself for.

"Ok," Wonwoo pulled away, he knew what Mingyu was thinking, "I understand."

"Wonwoo, I-"

"You love me. I know." Wonwoo turned to leave.

"Don't go." Mingyu called, it was more of a prayer than an order. Wonwoo stopped and faced him once more.

"Come over."

"What?"

"Come over to my house. I can make you hot chocolate and we can buy a new DVD on the way home. Can we try to forget all this and start again. Please"

Wonwoo wanted to. He really did. But he wasn't sure if he could. So he shook his head.

"Let's take a break from eachother, Mingyu. Maybe if we cut it off now there will be a better chance of remembering the good times. Let's forget everything that went wrong and move on instead." Wonwoo knew this was physically and emotionally impossible for the both of them. It would tear them to pieces, keep them awake for hours into the night, spill even more tears, but he was so lost, so confused about what to do or say that nothing felt right anymore.

Wonwoo walked home. The stairs up to his apartment were freezing and the ice cold air echoed off the walls as he ascended. A note was on his door from the landlord, the angry handwriting told him that whatever the note said was far from good before he had even started reading it.

'Dear Jeon Wonwoo,

Today was inspection day as you should know after living in the complex for several years now. Since you were not home I let myself into your apartment to check that everything is working properly and couldn't help but notice you have completely vandalised the entire far wall of your living room. This is a rented apartment owned by me, I very clearly stated before I gave you the keys that no painting or vandalism was allowed on any of the walls especially not to that extent.

I also noticed that your kitchen was ridden with stale food in the tiles on the floor. It surprised me at first since it isn't natural for an entire bag of flour to get lodged in the side panels but you somehow managed it. This sort of thing doesn't happen unless you throw the food across your kitchen. You're an adult, Mr Jeon, not a three year old. Food wars aren't allowed in your apartment though I apologise for not putting that on my list of rules (that you clearly have forgotten about) since I didn't expect a man in his 20's to do this.

Penultimately I'd like to address the fact that some of the normal painting on the walls has been taken off by what seems to be duct tape. I was under the impression that only children made pillow forts and taped them to the walls but you never fail to surprise!

Lastly, I have recieved tens, maybe hundreds of complaints from neighbors about loud sounds coming from your apartment many different hours of the day or night however whenever I come knocking at your door you do not answer. Is is that you don't hear me or are you just being obnoxious?

This is completely unacceptable and I will not tolerate this for any longer. Please pack your bags and find a new home by Friday next week. You are being evicted from my apartment complex and banned. I do not want you living here for any longer. Damage to my property is very disrespectful and not to mention illegal, be thankful I am not pressing charges. Goodbye, Mr Jeon.

Yours sincerely,
Lee Donghyun

Your Landlord.'

Wonwoo screwed his eyes shut and prayed to God that what he had just read was a nightmare. He had a week and five days to find a new home.

His life was getting worse and worse. He wanted to let go, for everything to end before he hit rock bottom. He had lost his home, his miracle, his happiness. What next?

-

As if things couldn't get any worse life decided to push Wonwoo a little further to the edge. He lost his job.

"You're not working efficiently." Seohyun had called him to her office via email. Wonwoo sat across from her at the table, chewing on the inside of his cheek with anxiety as he watched her sign, "I'm not sure what has happened in your personal life but you have seriously let it affect your work. I'm going to have to fire you. My manager doesn't like the speed and quality of your work and has found a replacement. I'm so sorry, Wonwoo."

Wonwoo felt his stomach drop. He clenched his teeth and the inside of cheek split, he could taste blood. If Mingyu was there he would protest against it, fight for Wonwoo's success but he was supposed to be out of Wonwoo's life and thoughts, he had said so himself.

Seohyun signed a one last sorry as Wonwoo left the building with everything that was on his desk thrown into a backpack but he didn't go home. The wind that pushed back his hair and brushed upon his face set his mind as ease, he tried to imagine the sound of the rushed air passing his ears and made his way to Mingyu's apartment. Mingyu lived on the top floor and Wonwoo took the stairs, however, when he reached the level in which Mingyu's door taunted him he climbed another set of stairs. To the roof.

Two 'DO NOT PASS' signs stared Wonwoo right in the face on the way up. By the time he reached a barrier in which he had to climb over to get passed it was pretty evident he was not supposed to be there but he did it anyway because many things that were not supposed to happen in his life have happened, why not add another thing to the list for the sake of being melodramatic. The door to the roof was red and rusty, the brown around the edges of smooth ruby kind of reminded Wonwoo of the notebook. He shook his head and asked himself to stop thinking of Mingyu for at least a minute. The wind was twice as strong at 40 feet high, it hit Wonwoo's cheeks hard and almost knocked him backwards, but the sky was beautiful. Wonwoo dropped his backpack by the door lodging it open and wandered further out.

It was mid-afternoon. Wonwoo had to squint to stop the sun from blinding him as he looked up at the clouds. He wondered whether if he went on his tippy toes and really stretched if he could reach out and touch one. A bird flew overhead and beat him to it and Wonwoo realised that he wasn't made to touch the clouds. Maybe he wasn't made to love either.

Wonwoo walked to the edge and looked down at the busy street below. He wasn't going to jump, he didn't want to die, but he wasn't afraid of falling. His knees didn't shake nor did his heartrate quicken when he wobbled slightly. He stuck his toes over the very edge just to see how he felt but the adrenaline was absent. So he just watched the cars travel here and there in the streets below like ants and let the wind carry his thoughts and troubles somewhere where he wouldn't find them whilst let the blue sky turn black as the night drew near.

With his head in the clouds and feet far from the floor Wonwoo felt invinsible. He was making a statement, as if to say, but not like Josh did. Joshua threatened to jump, his statement was "If you hurt me, my death is your fault." Wonwoo was just sitting there, his statement was "I'm above you now, you can't get to me."

And that's what he liked to think: that all the reoccuring memories of Mingyu that often popped into his head trying to make him change his mind couldn't reach him when he was so up high, falling to the ground would only bring them back so he stayed.

It was about mid-morning the next day, Wonwoo thinks, when he finally left the roof. He needed sleep and a glass of water. He passed Mingyu's door on the way down but didn't stop to look or even think about it.

a/n: I have 2 more planned chapters and then Love is Deaf will be finished. I hope you have enjoyed it :) ❤