“Life is a simple word yet complicated but probably not as complicated as my existence. This life has no end to it neither does my problems. ‘Live your life happily in what you get’ what if there is nothing in my life to be happy about. ‘Be positive and look at the things you have’ what if these things give you pain and nothing else. My whole life i wondered what actually happiness was and still trying to figure out what it is?

Me, a person who cared less for appearances than personalities, who couldn’t find friends i could trust, who could not understand what a family should be like, who couldn’t believe if i will get lucky, or find love, who did not know what should be done or what not. Neither i got the answers of these questions nor the meaning of happiness.

They say a few bumps in the road of life make you stronger but what if your whole life is a bumpy one. Perhaps, i felt dizzy as nobody warned me to ‘fasten the seat belts, here comes a bumpy ride’. Countless times i wished this life ends, probably i was a coward to end it with my own hands or was it i secretly wished in a corner of my heart, that this life of mine will change? As if nothing happened i stood again, yet again my bumpy ride continued. I am a human too i forgot. Crush, love, happiness, friendship, family, and emotions i don’t know anything anymore. There was once a simple dream i dreamt but soon i realized it was just a dream after all. Just like a glass it shattered making me realize to wake up and face reality, telling me you don’t have the right to dream”

“Another diary entry, these pages gets filled but the content is always the same….i wonder if…….impossible!!” muttering she sighed simultaneously closing the broad diary and sliding it aside on the table. Resting her head on the table her hair fell on her beautiful face. Though in that simple pink pajamas on her slender body she looked gorgeous. Her attractive big eyes, plump pink lips, silky smooth hair, and infact every feature of hers was attractive. That even word pretty doesn’t do justice if compared to her beauty. But her eyes didn’t look happy at all. Sluggishly she moved her exhausted body towards the bed.

Settling on the bed she tried to sleep as soon as her worn out body hit the bed but that was another effortless task, as the insomnia hit her again. Blankly staring at the ceiling she let out a bitter laugh which made her younger sister wake up, who was in the same room as hers “Namjoo?? Not asleep, yet?” she could hear her asking in a hoarse voice, as she was half asleep.

 “Yeah, I was going to. You sleep” namjoo convinced. With that she slept again. A few minutes passed by twisting and turning, she noticed her mom who was besides her sleeping. Looking at her blankly she turned to other side away from her “Why do they sleep in my room instead of their rooms?” she muttered under her breath. Closing her eyes with an effort to sleep, all she could recollect was the past, her childhood.

In the evening, namjoo returned to her house after playing in the neighbourhood only to be greeted by flying plates and vases. It was no surprise for her as it was the daily scene in her house. Her parents, who were fighting with each other, cursing at each other, didn’t even realize she was at the door. Namjoo hung her head down watching the same thing daily. Being a child she never understood what they fought about. Namjoo shivered when they both were physical, grabbing each others hair and hitting each other with what came to their hands. Just like always she hid herself in the room covering with the blanket hoping their voices slow down. She sobbed quietly unable to understand what she should be doing. This was same since she was born or perhaps before? She didn’t know. Leaving the room, she went outside to check the quiet atmosphere and saw her mother crying alone. Her stomach rumbled due to hunger but she was in no position to ask her mother. Deciding to search the food on her own, she left to the kitchen but there was no food at all. Her hand slipped and the bowl fell down breaking it into pieces. Shocked namjoo stood silent but not after a second her mother came running and slapped her hard “You and your father, will not let me live will you? Get out” she yelled crying. It was clear; she was just taking out his anger on her.

It was morning, namjoo woke up from her sleep, her eyes swollen. “When did i fall asleep?” she asked herself, rubbing her temples hoping the pain will fade. As far as she could remember it was early in the morning.

 She was still in the bed blinking her eyes few times, all she could hear were somebody’s light yet hurried footsteps rushing towards her. She knows who the owner of those footsteps might be. “Not early in the morning please” she muttered to herself and sighed when she saw her mother standing in front of her looking at her with those shining eyes.

She knows that concerned, excited face of hers and there could be only one reason behind it “Namjoo, grandmother called she said there is a nice guy…” there she goes.

“Mom” she interrupted slowing her down. That’s it, stepped on the landmine.

“Our relatives are asking me when you will marry. You know what words they are speaking about us? You don’t find yourself a guy on that you won’t like proposal we bring for you. What do you want me to do? I am dying because of you. Just marry and go to your house, will you?” she asked weeping.

“Please don’t start early in the morning, mom” namjoo requested rubbing her eyes wishing the ache in her temples would fade away in the process. Groaning, she climbed out of the bed throwing the sheet away but the buzzing sound continued in her ears as her mom followed her, explaining what their relatives were talking about them.

“Your father doesn’t care about your marriage at all. You know what type of proposals he is bringing for you, right? Why are you increasing my pain too?” she hissed with that namjoo stopped.

“I am getting late for work” said namjoo, with that rushed to the bathroom and slammed the door. She could hear her mother shouting in frustration. My head hurts listening to this everyday.

Not that, she was disinterested in marriage or anything, probably because she was scared of being scarred. Growing up by watching unsuccessful relationships around her she lost trust.

Maybe i can find a …….impossible. The water droplets falling on her face from the shower made her realize she needs to go. Quickly getting ready, she grabbed her watch. Wearing it around her wrist “Yerim” she yelled at her younger sister. This girl is always late.

Peeking through the door she noticed a petite girl dolling up in front of the mirror. End of my patience. Namjoo shook her head and walked towards her furiously. Yerim shrieked when she twisted her ear telling her to get out.

“Ah, namjoo, it hurts. Let go” she begged but that was a failure as namjoo was now attacking her nicely done hair. “God, I just did my hair” yerim shouted asking her mom to save her.  “You are always late. How long are you going to get ready?” her mother scolded her instead of defending. She gave a scornful look to namjoo and left.

Namjoo sighed watching her storming out of the room. “It’s no use if you sigh. Nothing is going to change. You used to say when we were children remember no matter how many years’ pass it will be same in this house” yerim explained to leave those matters as it is. Instead of replying she just walked away hanging the bag on her shoulders. Yerim caught up with her talking about random things about her college. Namjoo smiled at her thinking when this girl grew up. She recollected how much they used to fight with each other. While wondering when they became friends more than sisters they arrived at the crossroads.

“That’s it, bye” she waved and left to her bus stop and namjoo walked the opposite side to the other bus stop. As soon as she reached “Oh god…no please” she gasped watching the bus she travels leaving right before her eyes. She ran after her thinking she will be able to catch it but it was effortless.

Hanging her head down, she had no choice but to wait for another bus. To her bad luck the next bus never came. It’s been 30 minutes and namjoo was getting impatient as she was getting late for her office. Glancing at her watch a number of times, as time went ticking she decided to hire a taxi. As soon as she got in after telling the address, she could hear a horn. Turning around she noticed the bus from the taxi’s glass but till then the driver already started.

Unlucky again.  Having no choice she rested her head on the seat tired. The taxi stopped when the signal turned red. Gazing out of the window she noticed a family of three happily laughing in a car. The kid was talking about his toy and the parents were smiling at his words. A smile crept on her face. Her gaze shifted to a