Crying and Begging

Title [7/10]

                This is an okay title. I understand why you’ve chosen it because a lot of things have made Hayi cry and beg that things would be different. I don’t have any major complaints besides the fact that it is not incredibly impactful.

Description and Foreword [8/10]

                To start off, I love the soundtrack you’ve picked for your story! I really did click all of the links to have them playing in the BG while I am reading and writing your review! Round of applause to you for that!

                You do have a couple of grammar errors in your description, however. I see that you’ve hired a beta-reader for your story so I’ll let them to their job in correction! I do enjoy how you’ve used it to give a small look into the story and you’ve also created intrigue onto why Hayi is saying those words. I’ve deducted marks purely because of the grammatical errors but otherwise, wonderful job thus far!

Plot [9/15]

                I think you’ve tried to incorporate many elements into this plot to make it your own. However, everything is very clichéd… even up until the plot twist you tried to throw at the end. That being said, there are quite a lot of plot holes in your story.

First, I did find it a little unlikely that their manager would keep all their old phones and not allow them to use it because their old friends are not celebrities… But then, I’m not part of the idol world so I wouldn’t be able to really say. It seems like a terrible thing though…

                The second flaw in your plot is when she treats Lee Sung Kyung for STDs. First, there are many different types of STDs and the diagnosis of any type would mean a different treatment. Second, you mention that she needs to go into surgery, but just because she has contracted STDs doesn’t mean she needs surgery. Most bacterial STDs are treated by antibiotics. Ones that cannot be treated... well, they have no cure.

                The biggest problem with your plot is how unbelievable it is, unfortunately. Because JK and Jimin are idols here and you’ve actually used real people and their professions (with the exception of Hayi ofc), I cannot see this ever happening. A scandal as big as this and being resolved like this. I understand you have tried to make this extremely melodramatic but it doesn’t do it for me. It actually took a lot of my enjoyment away from the story.

                Finally, I did not enjoy how you “killed” Jungkook. It was extremely rushed and to me, it feels like you had him hit by the car purely for the purpose of making it more angsty. There are many ways to make readers sympathetic to your characters without doing so. Unfortunately this also did not do it for me.

Character Development [6/10]

                As always with one shots, there are limited ways to develop characters. I feel that with your three main characters, they are a little dull. At the end of the story, I still don’t really know who any of them are. They do not leave lasting impressions on me. Jungkook seems to be fiercely loyal, Hayi tries to right the wrong but is a little slow while Jimin… Oh Jimin. He really didn’t play an important purpose here. One thing I always ask for characters is: If this character was gone, how would it impact the story? Can someone else play their part? If the answer to any of those questions are yes, then you have not developed the character enough. If Jimin was gone, it would be fine. Jimin was that excess little voice but he might as well have been a voice in Hayi’s head.

                Although I have critiques Hayi’s character in the above, you have done a decent job in creating her. You gave her a good back story, she has the proper motives to be in Seoul and in general she seems to be a girl who believes in justice. She has flaws but she is living through them.

Writing Style [14/20]

                I really enjoy the way you’ve inserted one of the character’s thought at the end of each paragraph! It is so effective because at times, it supports the character’s actions and other times their thoughts contradict it. Job well done!

                To me, I have always enjoyed keeping a story in one perspective. Unless a drastic change is made where the story may be more effective in a change of POV then different perspectives interrupt the flow of the story. I say this while directing it to the random change to Hayi’s POV in the middle. I think if you kept it as third person, it would have been fine. The final change in POV in the epilogue was well done!

                The comment on your actual style is the same comment I will have on your diction which is covered below.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [15/25]

                Like I’ve mentioned in a previous section, this is the portion you seem to be having the most problem with. Usually, it is here that I would make suggestions to the author on what I’ve seen is wrong. But I won’t this time as you have a beta-reader already which probably already means you’ve noticed/had someone mention your grammatical errors. They are nothing major! There are only certain parts where you mix up tenses or leave out prepositions. I think the main thing is where you have choppy sentences that are the result of you mixing up the order of words. Other than that, there are no glaring spelling errors!

                As for your diction, it is rather quite simple. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. There are pros and cons to this; first, the simplicity of your word choices are fitting for your story as it is very simply written as well. The con is that because your storyline involves so much emotion, it is a little lackluster at points.

Personal Enjoyment [6/10]

                I really wish I enjoyed your story a lot more! This is my first time reading a Hayi X BTS fic and there were a lot of twists and turns! Sadly, your grammar really threw me off and because it interrupted my flow, I had to reread parts a couple of times. I know I am extremely honest when it comes to review so I really hope you aren't too upset with this score. I see a lot of potential in you as a writing and you've done a really good job on putting together a cohesive story!

Final Score [65/100]