Heartless

Title [5/10]

                “Heartless” isn’t anything new; in fact it’s a pretty common word used on AFF. I do see the relationship to the story so I will give you points for that. Not my favourite title, not really even my preferred title, but I won’t penalize you for it. Also, the song “Heartless” by Kanye West keeps running through my head each time I read this…

 Description and Foreword [8/10]

                Okay. So, personally, I think that the blurb on your description should be put in your foreword. The description is the first thing readers see as they browse through the story list and yours doesn’t really capture a reader’s attention. Your tags already tell us the overarching universe that this story is held. I would suggest you to pick a short, concise sentence that will draw your readers in at first glance!

                Besides that, the layout of your foreword isn’t bad. I’m going to point out a couple of grammatical errors here:

                You tend to switch back and forth between past and present tense quite frequently.

                What you’ve written: Jeon Jungkook is a ruthless vampire king who preys on half-breeds. …. But what if, the Queen that everyone has been searching for turned out to be human?

                My suggestion: Jeon Jungkook is a ruthless vampire king who preys on half-breeds. … But what if, the Queen that everyone has been searching for turns out to be human?

                Also, just double check your grammar for the rest of the foreword! One last thing, however, is that you have used the word “pain” quite a bit here. “[Hwang Jangmi] hides a pain that nobody would understand…” “[Jeon Jungkook] hides a painful past….” It’s just a little repetitive for me. Suggestions: anguish, hurt, ache… etc.

                Other than the above, this part of the story serves it purpose well!

Plot [11/15]

                The overall events of this story are a little clichéd in my opinion. The whole part about her trying to escape, but then her knight (king) in shining armour saving her…up to the plan of making her jealous by flirting with other girls and finally the whole mistaken kiss incident. I did not find myself wanting to know more because this felt like a typical drama with a typical storyline. Even the whole idea of “mates” is nothing new to me.

                When you threw in the part of Jangmi’s past, I thought it was a little sudden. You’ve written it such that she seems to have supressed memories but she easily recalls it. I’m sure you have a plan for this part as you have revealed it, so this is a minute issue I have.

                I will, however, applaud you for throwing in the little part about her being a sorceresses’ daughter. As your story is unfinished, I am curious as to where it can go. While the plot thus far is not interesting and new enough for me, there is a lot of potential!

Character Development [7/10]

                Again, because your story in incomplete, I am unable to fully analyze your characters. I do think it’s a very interesting contrast you have made with Jungkook thus far. He’s a heartless king, yet he seems more carefree – even childish – when he talks to Jangmi. In fact, the both of them seem a little childish at times. Usually, I would complain about this but I think it works out for you because they’ve reverted back to their immature bantering because of how unsure they are for their feelings for each other. I like this aspect that you’ve given the characters!

                In terms of development in itself, I don’t see too much of it. They both have a love-hate relationship with one another that slowly leans more towards love (mainly because they are already written that they must love) but to me, that’s a minor development. If Jangmi vehemently opposed the fact that they are bound to be mates, I think that would have been an interesting twist. To summarize, I see their relationship and individual characters as slightly juvenile. Like young teenagers in love rather than a wise, nearly ancient Vampire King and a… well, Jangmi I will assume she is a teenager since she’s in school etc. But my ending point is I wish they had a little more substance in them. They too, are too clichéd.

Writing Style [17/20]

                I believe that a writer needs to create images and pictures mind; this is what makes a story successful. A writer is also a painter in that by using words, they are able to bring forth the place where a character is standing, the sounds they may hear or the emotions they feel. The reason I start off with this is that while reading this, I have come to the understanding that you are merely a storyteller. Since the beginning, you straight up tell the readers, “pureblood are superior (paraphrased)”. This is not interesting at all. I would rather you have said something like, “When Jungkook runs through the forest, his legs move at an unfathomable speed.” This builds an image. I hope that helps you see that.

                Another area of improvement I can suggest you on is that you tend to be very repetitive in your words. Ex. (ch 5) She squinted her eyes when a bright light blinded her right after she successfully opened her eyes, though not fully yet. This is an extremely roundabout way of phrasing the simple fact that she opened her eyes slightly and squinted because a bright light blinded her. Did you perhaps see how I shortened that and made it concise? If you read through your story and rearrange some of the words, I do believe that it will help with your flow a lot more!

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [21/25]

                Alright! So, first of all (also what I believe is the biggest problem), I do notice that you are a bit confused with your tenses. Not that you don’t know how to conjugate into them, but you use them inappropriately. At times, this may confuse readers in the sequence of your story; other times, it’s plainly awkward and breaks the flow.

Ex. [ch1] She felt her attacker went nearer to her neck and felt his breath on her sensitive skin.  

Should be: She felt her attacker go nearer to her neck and felt his breath on her sensitive skin. Here, I might even forego the word “go” altogether. Also, be consistent with whether you are writing in past or present.

                This little tidbit pertains to your prologue. I found this chapter extremely confusing. There are clearly two male characters being introduced here, but you do not clearly explain what “he” is referring to. I know you’re trying to stick to ambiguity, but here it becomes a mess and is quite hard to follow. I would suggest (tedious as it be) to keep using “the monster” to refer to the monster, keeping “he” relating to the monster as one paragraph. When the other “he” is doing/saying something, start a new paragraph! It will be much easier to follow then.

                You don’t seem to have an extensive vocabulary as you tend to use the same word to describe things in very close relation to each other. If not the same word, you use similar variation (Ex. “dethrone” followed by “throne”). I’ve pointed it out with your foreword, but another instance is [ch1] “she stopped walking and looked around to see if anyone was around”. In particular here, there is no need for that repetition. You can easily replace the second around with there.

                I do see that you have a coauthor and whether or not this person is simply a coauthor or a beta-reader, I do hope that you are able to give this story another read! There are certain parts where the grammar is confusing and I don’t understand what you’re trying to convey. Both this section and the writing style section once fixed, I know will better help with the flow!

Personal Enjoyment [8/10]

                To me, it is rather unfortunate that this score is a little low because of your choice of title and its overused plotline and characters. I truly did enjoy reading this – you added your own flavour and it was a cute little story that made me smile. I think taking the score of the title aside, the mark does reflect what I thought of your story and it is good! I mean, clearly with the amount of upvotes and subscribers you have, you are doing great! Best of luck to you and this story! I really am honoured to have reviewed this story and hope that my suggestions help you make it even better! Fighting!