Growing Pains: The Undeserved

Title [10/10]

                Growing Pains: The Undeserved – Let me start off with a joke… The first thing I thought of were menstrual pains. I have no idea why but I could only nod and think, “Yes. Definitely undeserved.” On another note, I think this title is extremely unique. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it on AFF! I love the meaning behind it and the way you’ve incorporated the themes spoken through the title into your actual written work. Great job!

Description and Foreword [8/10]

                The poem you’ve made for your story is really quite beautiful. I always love when authors create something specific just for their story because you can see how much work has been put into it! The gif you’ve chosen is also so incredibly beautiful. It fits in so well with your story thus far.

                As for your foreword, there are a couple of grammatical mistakes that I have noticed. It mainly has to do with your verb tenses. I’ll point one of such mistakes out here:

                But when feelings were not reciprocated, Hyukjae played along and let his love carry him into a fantasy where one day his husband would love him back.

                They are pretty minor throughout the foreword so a quick read over should have them fixed in no time!  

Plot [15/15]

                 I love how intricate your plot is! You’ve clearly taken the time out to plan everything perfect. That plot twist you threw in also took me by such surprise! It was great how you used the previous chapters to build on our emotions towards one characters only to throw it away so that we feel for the other (I’m keeping it ambiguous just in case someone decides to read your story after this review haha).

                Everything that you’ve written in your story is evidently there for a purpose which is one thing I appreciate most in stories. Things in the past have a part to play in the present. Again, this illustrates how you’ve planned out everything for your plot. Things flow wonderfully from one end to the other.

                I don’t have any complaints about your plotline at all! The pace of it is going well so far. You’ve presented a great mixture of angst, romance and fluff all together (that angst though…)!

Character Development [9/10]

                 It is certainly very interesting the way you’ve introduced the characters. Straight off the bat, the readers dive into the emotions and mind of Hyukjae. We see that he is a passionate man who also wants to be passionately loved. He wants it so badly that he is even naïve to his own needs. This is in great contrast to Donghae who we seem to know nothing about. All we know is that he does not love Hyukjae back and he really would like nothing to do with him. Nevertheless, the two are similar in the sense that they both love their own form of art.

                Following your major story changing event, I think it’s absolutely marvellous how you’ve decided to elaborate on Donghae and Hyukjae’s characters. It’s a really nice breath of fresh air in seeing Donghae become more caring after seeing him in the beginning as emotionless. Hyukjae becomes even more childish but he still maintains his purity. One of my favourite things you’ve done is the decision to focus more on Donghae after the incident as this is a turning point not only for your plot but also for your characters. In some ways, the way Donghae is acting is like how Hyukjae was desperate for Donghae’s love. Normally, I might criticize authors for such a drastic change in their character but you’ve given Donghae and Hyukjae a good purpose.

                One thing I may slightly complain about is how quick the characters are to break down into tears. I wish you could have spent a little more time building up the tension to the release of tears. It comes a little sudden to me and when somebody cries, I do feel sad, but at the same time a little surprised because of its fast pace. The overuse of the feelings that correspond with tears in your piece is a little too much for me. Sometimes, there are other ways to represent sadness besides crying. Other than this, I think this is the part you’ve excelled at!

Writing Style [19/20]

                 I wasn’t too sure where to put this, so I’ll mention it here. There are couple of instances in your story where you’ve written two scenes but you don’t tell readers how the characters have ended up there. I can’t remember exactly where this is, but I approached this maybe once or twice? It’s a small detail.

                I also think you have a very distinct writing style. Like how you’ve chosen to plan out this plot, you carefully chose the words needed to convey the emotions that run through Donghae and Hyukjae. The points where Donghae feels pain towards his treatment of Hyukjae really hit me deep as well. I could feel the anguish and regret although you do not elaborate excessively.

                Again, I’ll take this time to mention it again, but I really enjoy how you’ve created things that are just for your poem. The explanation behind Midnight Blues is really something else. It makes me curious as to how this would look in real life!

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [23/25]

                There isn’t anything in particular that I can point out when it comes to this part. All I can say is that it’s really awkward reading at times. You have all the right spelling and grammar, but perhaps it’s the way you that you’ve arranged your sentences that make it odd.

                Ex. But, Hyukjae would hardly feel comfortable when there was someone around but silence surrounded him.

                I had to read that over a couple of times and while I do understand what you are getting through, it is just so strangely placed. I wish I could make some type of suggestion but even at this moment in time, I’m still a little confused.

                (I had typed that early on in the story so now that I’m a little further in…) I believe your biggest problem is your verb tenses. You sometimes mix them up when as you’re writing, like a single switch here and there, which creates for that staggered reading. There are also times when you miss prepositions like “the” or “at”. I’d suggest having someone look it over or yourself looking it over, so that they can fix up these small mistakes! This also seems to occur really in your beginning chapters as I barely noticed this by the end of reading.

Personal Enjoyment [10/10]

                Oh my! It’s been a while since I’ve read a good, flushed out story like yours! I really enjoyed it to the end. I’m writing this review while sitting at a coffee shop and for some strange reason, despite everybody’s loud talking around me I feel a little melancholic. My heart aches for both Donghae and Hyukjae… That’s the impact your story had on me! You’ve done a great job. I am really close to giving you a perfect mark, but I’ve always believed that despite everything authors can always improve. I hope my small suggestions throughout this review help you!

                To finish off, I also want to tell you that you've earned a spot in my Wall of Fame! I've decided to create it because I really loved your story so much! Congratulations and I anticipate when you update again! Hwaiting!! 

Final Score [94/100]