Guilty Pleasure

Title (5/10)

At the end of reading the chapters thus far, I do not find any relevance to this title. It neither interests me nor would I click it as there are many pieces here on AFF that share this same title (or at least the theme of it). Perhaps as more of the piece unfolds, we may see why you’ve chosen it but as of now, it holds no meaning.

 Plot (19/25)
       Setting (6/10)

You start off the piece by explaining the various settings the characters are in well. However, my main issue with this section is that you are never descriptive enough. All you do is state where they are, with a simple sentence like, “I am in the ____” which is not immersive enough for readers. What I suggest you to do is describe the things they may see in the room they are in. What are the things you feel entering it? Are there particular smells? A writer’s words paint a picture of the world they have created!

       Originality (3/5)

There is nothing new with your plot, sadly. I have read stories that have bits and pieces of what you’ve incorporated.

       Believability (10/10)

This part is fine. For what has been revealed to readers, there is nothing outrageous about any of our characters or events. It’s another slice of life type of AU.

Characterization (21/35)
       Presentation (3/5)

I believe I talk more in depth about your characters in the sections below. Hm… I am not overly impressed with the way you’ve decided to shape your characters. They are rather flat and a bit uninteresting. The driving force behind the story (as said in your foreword) is the relationships between the characters – namely between Joy and Chanyeol as siblings, but you barely talk about this.

       Development (4/10)

Sadly, there is little development in any of the characters although we are quite well into the story now. I have decided I will focus solely on the main character for now as she clearly plays an important role, being the protagonist, but more so as this piece is written in first person.

I was initially interested to see what the main character would do after being trapped in working for her brother for so long, but she really hasn’t done much except going on a blind date set up by her friend. There was no concrete reason as to why she wants a change in her life, except for being spurred on by her friend. I have yet to understand her as a whole in general… I wish we could see more of who she really is besides what is presented by her interactions with the people around her. Usually with first person writing, as readers we should practically be in the mind of the character, but here I still feel as if I am a spectator even “in my own life”.

In terms of her relationship with the people around her, we know that she is obsessive over Chanyeol. There are even moments where I think you’ve hinted that there may be more (but that could totally be me overanalyzing). Her relationship with Sehun is even all the more strange. He pops out of nowhere, and they start texting. She seems to have fallen for him already with the word play between them through their texts. I don’t understand why this is so and to me, their relationship holds no particular meaning thus far.

       Diversity/Purpose (14/20)

There are not a lot of characters in your piece. Namely, there is the main character, her friend Hayoung, and Sehun. I won’t even add Chanyeol into this list because the role he plays is so small.

Your main character is so very alike to her best friend, there are times I can’t tell them apart. Hayoung seems to be there only as a person to voice out the thoughts that the main character has been too afraid to say or to do. She can easily be replaced.

Sehun is clearly inserted here as the love interest. Their relationship is a little strange to me, because you barely explain how the two meet – as in their history together. He seems to pop out of nowhere and then the two become interested. I elude to their relationship in the section above.

Lastly, I thought I’d give Chanyeol a shout-out because there was a chapter you wrote with him in it. To me, that chapter really was pointless. I know you wrote it because you felt that Chanyeol had not made an appearance in your piece for a while, but that’s because he truly doesn’t have a role to play. He is a background character and if you have never talked about his relationship to the OC, there is no need for you to dedicate a chapter to him. Unless their dialogue had something to spur on the storyline (which unfortunately it didn’t), you could have done without mentioning him at all.

In general, there is little about your characters which make them stand out.

Writing Style (15/30)
       Narration (5/10)

The way you write is very clipped and short. You tell the events that are occurring as they are but as I had mentioned with your setting, you do not do much in terms of describing. Every so often, you may throw in a couple of emotions the characters are feeling but nothing else more. In summary, this makes reading your piece boring to me. Personally, I like to imagine everything playing out as a movie whenever I read. Your piece played out like a documentary for me (nothing wrong with a documentary!) – it was dry and unexciting. With your plotline, this should have played out as a romantic drama-filled movie.

       Consistency/Flow (6/10)

Your ideas tend to bounce everywhere. Overall, there is a linear flow, however, you tend to miss explaining how the characters get from one place to another – whether it be physically moving to a new setting or their development of emotions. The result of this is that the storyline in itself becomes interrupted. Things are spurred on too quickly and as a reader, I have yet developed a relationship with the character. When they start feeling certain emotions, I am unable to understand why or sympathize with them.

One thing I always suggest to writers, especially if they are coming up with a complicated storyline, is to write a rough outline. You don’t need all of the events to be thought up of, but as long as you have a general direction, that should help with your flow in general.

       Spelling/Grammar (4/10)

Halfway into the first chapter, the flaw that that becomes obvious immediately is your omission in the use of commas.  Commas should be used to separate lists, even if these lists are of ideas. I’ll use one example to explain what I mean:

                As much as I wanted to keep watching the television screen I could not stop staring at my older brother.

Here, there are two ideas. One is that “I” wanted to watch TV; second is that I couldn’t stop staring. You should separate these two ideas such that the final sentence would be:

                As much as I wanted to keep watching the television screen (comma) I could not stop staring at my older brother.

Another instance where commas should be used is when the character has finished talking. You seem to, for the most part, use the other types of punctuations correctly at other instances, but where there should be a period, you should put a comma instead. Ex. “Chanyeol-ah (comma) turn off the television (period) Iit is time to eat (comma)” said my mother.

I recommend you to review the basics of punctuation.

There are also a few instances where you completely use the wrong word. I can’t remember all the instances, but the one that stuck out to be is when you want to say “literally” but you use “latterly” instead. These two words have completely different meanings. Be careful with the way you spell certain words as well! Ex. Nervous is not spelt with an extra “e” at the end.

Reviewer’s Notes:

I know that this is a little bit of a harsh review and thus, may be a little hard to read through. But clearly, you’re doing something right with the amount of subscribers and views you have! Perhaps this in general is not the type of story I usually read which makes me become even more critical than usual. Nonetheless, I do hope that what I’ve said at least helps you in becoming a better author and writer!

 Total Score: 60/100