The Dead Wayfarers

Title [7/10]

                You have chosen a simple title that grasps the themes of your piece immediately. It is not particularly creative, as you have taken the main topic – zombies/wayfarers – and put it into the title, but it is effective as it quickly gets your point across.

Description and Foreword [7/10]

                Your description is quite interesting, already drawing my attention towards your story. I mean, zombie aus are not uncommon, but still, they are not done enough and simply by seeing that it’s a theme of your piece gets me really excited! The time you have put into creating a character chart has also paid off! My only complaint is that you near the bottom of your description, it becomes a mess – visually. Some of your review highlights are inserted as all caps which throws me off as the others are in lower case. I think if you are to tidy that section a little bit, it will be more visually appealing and easier to read.

                On another note, for the few sentences you have written regarding the foreword, there are some grammatical errors. You are changing from one tense to another. Please double check these and make sure that you are either using the singular vs plural form correctly, or  you are keeping with present/past!

Plot [11/15]

                One of the first things I noticed was how quickly you decided to jump into the plotline. Because you have an entire universe that you have created, if you introduce many characters at once and leap directly into events, it becomes confusing for readers. Personally, in the middle of the second chapter, I felt slightly overwhelmed at what was happening. I couldn’t truly grasp the situation they were in and while a part of me felt like I should have a sense of urgency, I really was only mildly intrigued. If you were to set up the universe in the first few chapters (I’m not asking you to explain anything but simply describe how they had gotten into this initial situation) I believe this would aid readers.

                There are a few instances of discrepancies within your plot. Namely, there would be times when a character enters one place and then suddenly enters another (without having known that they have left). This falls into a point I will be discussing under your writing style. An example of this is in Chapter 13, where the dialogue states for the boys to bury these boxes in places where nobody must know, yet is followed by the Sergeant recommending it to be placed at the front of the house. This is counterintuitive because if they follow the Sergeant, everybody would know where these boxes are buried.

                Overall, the biggest suggestion I would make would be to spend more time describing this world that they are in. You have left so many unanswered questions that it no longer becomes intriguing to the readers, but simply confusing. I felt at the end of the 30 chapters I knew as much as I did when I first read.

Character Development [5/10]

                You have a multitude of characters within this story. One of the most prominent issues within character development is that you barely take enough time to allow readers to become introduced to one before you bring another into the light. Even for your main character, Seungho, I feel as if I barely know who he is. Although you have provided plenty of action from him, there are minimal reasons given as to why he acts the way he does. His motives slowly become clearer, but it isn’t until much further into the story at which points, readers may have already lost interest.

                Furthermore, a lot of the roles in your character list can be accumulated to be part of a singular person. I believe if you are to have fewer characters, you would be able to invest more time and energy into bringing that person to life. The only way readers are able to resonate with your story is if they are invested in the lives of your characters and unfortunately for me, this is lacking within your piece.

Writing Style [14/20]

                I find the flow of your writing extremely sporadic. You’d jump quickly from one scene to the next without much of a transition and I find myself often wondering what in the world is happening; how did the characters get here? Work on transitioning from one event to the next and this will help with your flow. Remember, readers are not in your head and therefore are unable to visualize the story as well as you. You must provide enough details for the readers such that it becomes an immersive experience.

                Many of the points I have covered thus far in this review pertain to your writing style. You never disclose enough details and there is too much left to the imagination of the readers. As the author, your role is to guide the readers into becoming immersed in this world you have created.

                Something I noticed that I think is worth pointing out: you tend to describe where characters are a lot – for example, where a bunch of them are standing in a room. This is irrelevant and unimportant information for readers. I would rather you have spent the time and energy describing the things they had been seeing, or smelling, or touching – even doing.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [19/25]

                There are quite a bit of spelling errors within this piece. Often, you are using the incorrect forms of the word. Example, you have typed out conscious when you truly mean consciousness. It would be beneficial to you to either read through it all yourself or have a beta-reader do it for you!

                Regarding grammar, there are no particularly gaping problems. Again, there are small things here and there that can be fixed with how I’ve suggested above.

                Your diction is nothing extravagant. You’re probably a little bored of me saying this now, but in addition to using more words to give detail to your readers, you can choose expressive words. There is a lot happening in your story – utilize these plot lines and abundance of characters to its maximal effect by exploring new ways to describe them or the situation they are in.

Personal Enjoyment [5/10]

                Alas, where your foreword had hooked me, my interest quickly declined as I kept reading. Not to say that your story wasn’t a good read, it was one where there was simply too slow of a buildup and too many characters introduced with (at some points) no purpose.  I cannot say that I didn’t enjoy it, but it did take me a while to get through. I’m sorry if this review is harsh, but I do I believe there is potential in this story! Just some tweaks here and there will help make it much better. I truly hope you find this review useful.