Love Killed The Brave

Title (7/10)

                I’m not going to lie, the entire time I was writing this review, I thought your chapter title was the title of your entire work. So initially, I was giving this part a perfect mark. However, when I saw that it wasn’t, it made me sad… I like the title you chose for the chapter so much better than your actual title. The title you have currently sums up your entire story right there but your chapter title leaves room for readers to wonder what that actually means. Plus, your chapter title can be said of both Hoshi and Jun where the meaning contrasts in an elegant way. Perhaps you’ll think about switching?? *haha*

Description and Foreword (8/10)

                Your foreward is fine the way it is. Nothing wrong there. 

                Your description, however, I do have a slight problem with. I’m not sure whether you’re doing it purposefully, but if you're not, you are using both past and present tense. It’s extremely awkward as it doesn’t roll off the tongue smoothly. You start with past then to present.  

                The moment you thought you had love. It spills away from you. Becoming a pool of blood. Let these eyes be the last.

                One other thing: the use of periods. First, with your current placement, it really cuts the flow of these few phrases. Second, if you want to go for a poem/poetic feel, use a comma. Or you don’t even have to. Leave it punctuation-less. I would say it is acceptable.

Plot (15/15)

                As this is a oneshot, there isn’t much room for plot development. It is basically one scene from the lives of your two characters. The plotline in itself isn’t anything new, but you have managed to insert your own style into it so great job! I don’t have any major problems with this plot. You’ve taken the appropriate time to tell readers how Jun and Hoshi have gotten into this situation and by using a bit of their back story, you get readers to sympathize with their dilemma. There are no problems with the pace… Seriously, everything is great!

Character Development (9/10)

                This oneshot is clearly written with a focus on character development, so this is where I will focus on.

                The contrast between your two characters is great: the strong and the weak. In the beginning, you have all the readers thinking that Jun is pretty much a heartless tyrant who used Hoshi and played with him only to stand before him now and mock him before he “kills” him. Yet you give us an agonizing twist when he decides to take his own life. I love how you keep emphasizing the strong and weak point of each character. Jun at the end is still the stronger one of the two as he is willing to take his own life so that his lover is able to live. Self-sacrifice: the greatest way to show his unwavering heart.

                Like I said, this is quite short even for a one shot, so it doesn’t give you much room to develop any of the characters drastically, but what you have covered I believe is enough.

                The suggestion I have here is the same as what I’m about to mention in your writing style: you can benefit by being more descriptive. Because this story is so full of emotion, looking into a thesaurus for words besides “pain” and “sorrow” will enhance it further. Even dedicate some time to explain how Hoshi’s expression changes when he sees Jun’s sacrifice. If you do that, each word will be like a bullet right into the reader’s heart.

Writing Style (19/20)

                You’ve got a straight-forward type of style. It’s also very effective when explaining Hoshi’s emotions when confronting Jun. You are able to clearly contrast between the two alpha’s personalities. You’ve also captured the desperation in Hoshi well.

                If I really had to pinpoint something for you to improve on (because I believe everyone can always improve), it would be to use a little more imagery. This is already a short story so it might do you well to spend some time painting a picture of where they are standing. What is the weather like? Is it summer or autumn? By using descriptions, you can basically create this into a scene straight from a movie. Set an atmosphere for the readers – put them into the perfect mood.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction (23/25)

                Just a few extremely minor mistakes. I think if you were to read this through or have somebody give this a quick read through, these problems can be solved easily.

                This particular stuck out to be because it was confusing:

                “In the past if anyone knew; their rerationship would be a positive mark between them, but now it was everything full of negativity.”

                First, it is probably a typo, but “relationship”. Second, the contrast between positive and negative is great but it feels very awkward in this sentence. As in… the structure of it is strange to me.

                Other than what I’ve mentioned, there aren’t any glaring spelling, grammar or diction errors! J

Personal Enjoyment (9/10)

                I don’t usually read fics about Seventeen or wolf AUs. Since I don’t know any of the members I couldn’t be as immersed as other people who fully support this ship. That being said, I thoroughly enjoyed this a lot! I even read this twice just to make sure I’ve caught everything that you’re trying to say. I love how simple yet impactful this was. Round of applause to you!