Ex-Boyfriend

Title [5/10]

                At a first glance, I would not say that this is a particularly eye-catching title. I’ve seen this word used multiple times throughout AFF. It does link well with your story and I can see the correlation. So with that said, I will have to deduct marks off for lack of originality and creativeness.

Description and Foreword [7/10]

                The layout for your description and foreword is very simple but elegant, fitting in with the overall theme of your story well! I have some complaints about your grammar and spelling however, particularly under the summary.

                Ex. Kyungsoo and Jongin have dated for over four years starting in high school.

                I changed it to starting because if you say “since”, it means since high school it has been four years. That leaves readers wondering, did they start dating in high school? Or were they in a relationship even before that making them having dated for an even longer time? This is my interpretation and based on what you have envisioned, perhaps you can fix it accordingly!

                I enjoyed seeing your official soundtrack (btw, you’ve spelt official wrong) and the introduction to the cast. (coming back, I find it strange that you’ve included the cast but have yet to introduce characters. It’s like an unofficial spoiler…) Personally, I will never put actual text in the foreword, like how you’ve put it under preview. I would honestly start my story and call this the Prologue if anything. The description and foreword should have the purpose of underlining the main parts of your story so that when people look at it, they are able to decide then of whether they want more. This is the case when readers start your first chapter and that is what we are reading again. It is very redundant.

Again, I love the actual visual aspect of this section! It’s been very well put together!

Plot [10/15]

                In my opinion, the story started off a little slow to my liking. You’ve spent a long time working up towards the part to where Kyungsoo finds out that Soojung is now dating Jongin. However, once that happens (and really once we start seeing things in Jongin’s perspective), things start to pick up and the plot once again moves forward. There is one thing I really wish, and that is that you haven’t revealed that Soojung’s new boyfriend is Jongin! This is a big moment for your story, yet readers already see it coming and it takes the shock away.  

                As for originality, I’ve definitely seen this type of plotline before. It is very kdrama-esque (haha) but if that is exactly what you’re going for, then this is great! My main suggestion here is for you to regulate the pace of the story. I am enjoying it a lot more in the second half because ideas are picking up so I see a lot of potential in growth!

Character Development [8/10]

                Kyungsoo: The first thing I see is that Kyungsoo is weak. But I don’t blame him, especially since the person he loves has suddenly broken up with him. I really sympathized with him at points. He is the least complex character and I’m still waiting for more from him. Although we are ~12 chapters into the story, I still feel like I know nothing about him.

                Jongin: I love when we finally get to delve into what Jongin is thinking. For the longest time, all we have seen is Kyungsoo’s pain, this is really nice to see the other side of the story. Seeing the whole breakup scene from Jongin’s perspective really twisted my heart. Out of all the characters, I will say that Jongin is the most complex. He seems to have the most flushed out backstory (in which we are still getting to know!) and for that reason, he’s also the most exciting character to read about.

                Chanyeol: I also want to merit his character because, omo, this boy! He honestly seems like the perfect friend. And you’ve definitely played him up as the “second lead syndrome”. I was hoping that Kyungsoo would get back together for Jongin, but there were times where I’m thinking, “Kyungsoo! Open your eyes!” I want to say he is next in terms of development and complexity. I can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like to have been in love with a friend for so long and now that they’ve broken up (and Chanyeol might have a chance), he really can’t act – because Kyungsoo is still so in love. You’ve created this beautifully so job well done!

                My favourite part is to see all their interactions before the whole thing happened between Jongin and Kyungsoo. Its so bittersweet to see what they could have been and what they are now…

Writing Style [15/20]

                 I think your writing style is quite alright! While it didn’t blow me away, I have no major complaints about it either! It was very interesting getting straight to the thoughts of characters at times. You’ve utilized that device very well throughout your piece, making it effective.

                To talk about why you do not have perfect marks despite me not having any comments, it is simply because your writing style is not the most sophisticated amongst ones that I’ve seen here on AFF. By sophisticated, I mean professional and a pleasure to read. It was very simple. I’m purely making a comparison based on what I’ve seen here and I hope this motivates you to become an even better writer!! My last suggestion is that throughout, you’ve spoiled too much of your story by putting teasers such that when the big reveal happens, readers are no longer actually surprised. I was wishing so much for a big but I’ve yet to feel that at all so far.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [17/25]

                This part is a little bit strange for me to review as I see that you’ve already had beta-readers. They’ve done most of the work in correcting your mistakes. There is not much for me to correct nor to comment on. So here, I am going to comment about the format in which you’ve set up the story.

One of the major complaints I have is that you change the format of your story way too often. Words and sentences are randomly bolded, italicized or increased in size. I’m not sure why and whenever it occurs, my eyes are definitely pulled away from the main text. To me, there is never a reason as to why you’ve changed it this way. I really suggest that you make one consistent format throughout the entire story!

As I am reading, I picked up a few mistakes involving missing words here and there. In addition, I see an overuse of the comma. This creates for long run-on sentences that can be avoided by either rearranging or splitting it into sections. A few tense mix ups as well. I find these mistakes especially prominent in the later few chapters which makes your overall writing very messy and hard to read. I think a quick read through will help you, but below I’ve highlighted one problem because it’s found in your title, which is pretty important!

Ex. Ch11 title – The Truth Is Hurt should really be The Truth Hurts

This mark reflects the later chapters in which I see you have yet to have a beta-reader.

Personal Enjoyment [8/10]

                I have to say, reading your piece really brought back memories of a particular breakup I once had. It really made me think a lot… Oh gosh, what a sad thought. Anyways! Your story was a pleasure to read. You’ve done great work in exploring the thoughts both parties have once they break up. You can’t help but sigh along with the characters. I know this may not have been the mark you were hoping for, but I hope that you’ll take into account all I’ve suggested! They’re all such small things that I think would improve your story much more! I also hope you continue writing because I can’t wait to see the direction this story goes! Fighting!