Eyes Never Lie

Title [10/10]

                At first impression, your title has already caught my eyes. It’s a common phrase that one may hear and already, there is a sense of mystery and intrigue around it. It fits in with the idea perfectly! It is also quite clever in the way you incorporate your title into the actual written portion of the story.

 Description and Foreword [8/10]

                I love descriptions of characters that are summed up in a single ambiguous word. It starts to paint a picture and also draws in the reader to read the story and see if these characters lived up to these words. I’m also a fan of how you’ve already introduced the pairings of this story in a unique way!

                As for your foreword, it’s simple and straight to the point. There really isn’t much there besides to serve the purpose of introducing the story. My one complaint is that I think it’d be better if you didn’t tell readers what type of Soulmate!au this is. If you were to describe it in the story, it would make your idea much more interesting and it might even come as a surprise!

Plot [12/15]

                I am absolutely in love with the premise of this story. The idea is just unique! It does not follow the traditional definition of “soulmate”. Usually, soulmates are all about two people who are destined to be together because they are the ones each truly loves. In your story, however, soulmates are just people you must meet (?). There is no space of the concept of “love” in there and clearly, the idea as a whole cause debate in your world. You’ve shown that through expressing Junhui’s initial view of searching for a soulmate. Points for taking on this different route!

                I do have some questions about your plotline though… The most glaring thing to me is: Did Jun give up his heart to Minghao because Minghao tried to overdose?? Because that’s not how an overdose works. A heart transfer is if you have a failing heart and this is usually accumulated over time. If Minghao’s overdose was so severe that it led him to have a heart attack, he would not be able to get up and talk to Jun like that.

The other thing that bothers me is how sudden your character deaths are. Both Jun and Mingyu’s death came out of nowhere. Both times, you did not explicitly tell readers that they passed. You explained it better in regards to Jun with the letter, but with Mingyu I was really confused for a while. I just did not enjoy how out of the blue these decisions were.

Character Development [8/10]

                Oh! I had to say that out of everything, this is the part you excelled in the most! I loved seeing the development of Jun and Minghao: Jun went from a boy who did not believe in soulmates to showing endless (maybe even obsessive) love towards Minghao once they met. Minghao was the opposite – he went from someone who believed religiously in the concept of soulmate to someone who attempted to take his own life because he found his life pointless when he could not be around the one he truly loved. *applause*

                I have minor issues with Wonwoo and Mingyu conversely. First thing is that Wonwoo played absolutely no role in this story yet you’ve mentioned him twice. I get that perhaps you are hinting at a ship, but I don’t believe this is necessary in your story. Wonwoo neither strengthens nor weakens any of the characters. If you are to mention somebody, you must make sure they are there with a purpose. I have a similar issue with Mingyu but his role is more obvious – he is the trigger to Minghao’s depression. My major problem with his character has been discussed in the section about plot.

Writing Style [13/20]

                Alright, to start off, the following suggestion is based on my preference. Whenever there is dialogue, I would put it as a new paragraph. Especially in your story where you tend to switch between people talking without actually writing “said ___”. It will help make it easier on the eyes and also offer clarity on when someone new is talking!

                Second thing: using the word “said” in regards to pointing at a character. This is good to use at times, but it creates confusion when you use it multiple times in one scene. Ex. “A soft poke landed on named boy’s cheek… … “Minghao – What is wrong?” said boy sighed.” You’ve used that twice in close proximity and it made me wonder... Is “said/named” boy Minghao or Mingyu?

                Again, I am going back to what I’ve said in your foreword. You jump right into the story because you have written the premise of this Soulmate!au in there. I feel like it’d be so much better if you were to NOT do that in the foreword but rather introduce it in the story. You don’t even have to do it in the beginning (confuse your readers! Make them wonder why people in this story have teal eyes etc), but when you DO introduce it, it’ll be so impactful!

                Enough with me seemingly battering this story! Let me end off by saying that at the end, you have concisely let your thoughts across. You are able to accurately capture all the emotions of each individual character. You are also able to – straight off the bat – create the ambience of your angst-filled story. I would suggest maybe giving your story another read to catch some small mistakes here and there!

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [18/25]

                First thing I notice is your overuse of the hyphen. Sometimes, your use of it is correct; other times it’s not. The purpose of a hyphen in dialogue is either to break words up (Ex. “B-but why?”) or cutting off a word (Ex. “I want to go to – ”). Where you have used it is after a name (Ex. “Minghao – What is wrong?”). Unfortunately, this is incorrect. Use a common here instead.

                In general, the biggest problem is with your use of improper punctuation. Review what periods, commas, hyphens etc are used for! It will take away the run-on sentences you have and also create better flow of your story overall.

                Ex. It came to Junhui’s mind he wanted to go back to being like one of them – when he had no knowledge of this “soulmate” and lived life without any burdens but nothing ever went his way.

                Wow. Do you see how long that sentence is?

                Suggestion: It came to Junhui’s mind that he wanted to go back to being like one of them – (with) no knowledge of this “soulmate” thing. He had lived life without any burdens, but nothing ever went his way.

                Reading that, your audience is able to take a nice break. Plus, you’ve separated your ideas rather than mashing them all into one sentence.

                By the way you write, my guess is that you are a new writer or perhaps English is not your first language. There are missing words at times and also capitalization in strange places. Always as a suggestion, I tell authors to read more – these not being fanfictions. I stress this point because this genre may not always contain the best grammar, spelling or diction. Go for a published book! There are so many styles of writing out there and you’ll be able to pick up on these, new words, new phrases…etc.

Personal Enjoyment [6/10]

                I actually know nothing about Seventeen. I was a little confused between Minghao and Mingyu (their names are so similar!). I neither extremely liked nor disliked this story. I did think the theme and premise of your story was extremely intriguing though and it left me with a feeling of melancholy at the end – points for creating the perfect atmosphere! Good luck to your future endeavors and I hope this review helped you out!

                Note: I know in the second and third chapter you have written spin-offs. I have opted to not write a full review as I believe they are not the main part of your story. However, I have read both and my suggestions for both are encompassed in the review above.

Final Score [75/100]