Set my midnight sorrow free (I will give you all of me)

Title (5/5)

Set my midnight sorrow free (I will give you all of me) – this is so poetic. It also holds that double meaning for both Baekhyun and to an extent, Chanyeol. Usually, I don’t like long titles, but the phrases you have chosen complement your piece so well. It’s also original which is always a bonus when it comes to choosing titles!

Description & Foreword (8/10)

I actually read your description a couple times because I wasn’t too sure what you meant. Did you mean to say “He can’t tell the difference…”? Because the way you currently have it doesn’t flow in with the rest of the sentence. Like, why should it matter whether or not Baekhyun could tell the difference and what does that have to do with Chanyeol holding him?

Wait. I take that all back. I just finished reading the longer introduction that you wrote underneath. Man, I really wish you would take that and put it above instead. It makes so much more sense and although longer, that is what intrigues me rather than the simple sentence you currently have.

In regards to any spelling or grammatical errors, there are none.

Grammar & Spelling (13/15)

Spelling: you have no errors. At least none that I picked out haha.

Grammar: there are certain places where your tenses are slightly mixed up. In general, you’ve done a great job in keeping it present throughout the entire piece, but every so often you accidentally slip up and a verb in past tense is used. It’s honestly not a major problem, but I’m simply pointing it out in case you want to fix that!

            You’re also using commas way too much – as in there are places where you don’t need them (and rather you should not be using them). This makes some of your sentences too long and a slight run-on.

            Ex. The next day, he meets up with Jongin in a nearby coffee shop, one that seems to be a bit too fancy for Baekhyun’s wallet.

            Not that it’s incorrectly used here, but it would have been better if you used a dash. The last idea is one that is separate from the actual meeting with Jongin and so should thus, be separated. This is the revised suggestion:

            The next day, he meets up with Jongin in a nearby coffee shop – one that seems to be a bit too fancy for Baekhyun’s wallet.

            You could even substitute that with a colon, or put the entire thing in brackets. I’ll also point this out here and say that you tend to write in that style a lot. Saying one thing and adding a small comment to it after; so the above suggestion really goes out to all the instances you’ve used that type of device.

Plot (19/20)

There honestly isn’t anything special with your plot. Rather, this piece focuses purely on the development of your characters and the emotional roller coaster that Baekhyun is put through. That being said, however, there is also nothing wrong with your plot. I don’t find any gaping plot holes, or events that make the overall story unbelievable. It’s simple and is effective being simple.

But the simplicity of this plot is not where I want to stop. No, it’s the two extra chapters that only elevate your initial oneshot (twoshot?) even more. You’ve interwoven the emotions and feelings of Kyungsoo and Chanyeol into the story in such a stellar way it’s as if I’ve watched the same movie three times but I’m getting such different angles on it each instance. If I could say, it’s actually the extra chapters that make your original piece stand out so much more.

I could honestly keep gushing, but I don’t want to spoil anything for future readers so I will leave my commentary here. *standing ovation*

(marks have been deducted merely due to unoriginality of plotline – infidelity is not an uncommon theme)

Characterization (14/15)

When Baekhyun first gets into an argument with Chanyeol about his feelings, I personally felt that this was quite sudden. You allude to the relationship between Baekhyun and Chanyeol through your introduction and foreword, but in the actual written material itself, I don’t believe you’ve spent enough time in building the tension between the two. What this results in is the reader (me) feeling that Baekhyun lashing out is irrational and too out of the blue. Nonetheless, I do believe that you’ve created one heck of a character with Baekhyun. He is very well rounded and has multiple dimensions – not simply the one with unrequited love. I like how you’ve explored his personality in the situations you’ve created around him. He’s a character that not only develops throughout the piece, but also is an aide to the development of other characters.

Most importantly, I think it’s absolutely amazing to leave your character as flawed as he is (I’m focusing on your main story and not the extras you’ve created). Very often, authors want to make their characters be perfect – perfect body, perfectly thoughts, perfect actions. What you’ve done is leave the question of right and wrong up to the readers. Out of all of these sections, you’ve excelled in characterization and I’m honestly elated to have come across such characters.

I won’t spend time talking about Chanyeol, Kyungsoo or Jongin, as I think this may take up too much space, but my comments for them are practically the same as for Baekhyun (although to a lesser degree as they are not the focus). Chanyeol is the perfect devil’s advocate here and you’ve portrayed it so well.

Flow (10/10)

I’ve probably already mentioned it before (maybe even in multiple sections) and I’ll mention it again – the flow is great. You aren’t jumping around everywhere with ideas, nor do you pop a situation on the readers without explanation. Everything moves along in a logical sense and the pace is neither too fast nor too slow.

Writing Style (10/10)

The diction you have chosen works so well with the way you write. It’s concise, slightly clipped, but also expressive enough. Perhaps it’s also the way you’ve decided to present the dialogue: all the characters speak in harsh(er) words and are quite proficient in their cursing. But it just merges well together! It’s not often this happens, but the style you’ve written this in harmonizes with the story you are telling. I’ve read many works where the writing doesn’t do much to enhance the piece (it’s like the author is speaking) but for you, if you had decided to use eloquent words, or overburden readers by descriptions, that would have taken away the raw emotion expressed by the characters and the desperation Baekhyun (and the others) feel.

A job well done!

Personal Enjoyment (14/15)

Can I first start off by saying I am completely in love with the layout of your story? This must be the first time that I’ve seen an author take the time to do something different with the actual portion of the story rather than just the foreword/description page. This heightens the reading experience with such nice aesthetics on the side and I’m someone who is always about the aesthetics.

With that out of the way, if my review has not already said enough, I absolutely loved and enjoyed your reading. I know it’s supposed to be angsty, but at the end I was just sitting here like: wow. What a well written piece. It’s clearly been planned out – if not, holy ish I’m impressed – and there’s great depth and meaning to everything you’ve presented. So yes, I admit… I did have to skim over the just because I feel uncomfortable reading it, but I’m still delighted to find I enjoyed everything else! This is one of the highest marks I’ve ever given out and you have a well-deserved place in my recommendations list! Such a pleasure to have reviewed this for you!

Overall Grade: 93%