Unfelt

Title [7/10]

                Personally, I’ve never liked one word titles (unless it’s some amazing word) but I can see why you’ve picked “Unfelt” as your title. I’ve seen titles like this before so it is not original, however, the emotions that follow this single word are appropriate for the story. Again, not my favourite title but I’ll accept it.

Description and Foreword [9/10]

                Your foreword and description are well written! You’ve offered a look into both of your main characters and already, we see that there is going to be an unusual dynamic between the two. I also loved how you’ve incorporated this quick blurb in your story (as it offers a bit of a plot twist) onto how this happened. Good job!

                There are some minor mistakes here so I’ll point them out quickly!

                …hymn a tune of love and forever. Perhaps what you meant to write here is: …hum a tune of love and forever. I’m also not too sure what you meant by “…and forever”.

                Sehun’s world lightens up, seeing too closely an image of a stranger, feeling a thing unfamiliar to him.

                Some small mix ups here: Sehun’s world lights up – seeing too close an image of a stranger, feeling a thing unfamiliar to him.

                Very very minor mistakes but otherwise, great introduction!

Plot [12/15]

                I have to say! I was pleasantly surprised at the turn of events just in the first chapter! Following with your introduction of Kluver-Bucy affecting Sehun also merits you points. With these two, I would say that you have created a good plotline. You follow what you’ve planned out and do not stray from the main event which is also great as it keeps your readers focused and never confused.

                Now, this is where my critique comes in, and this is purely based on my views as a med student. One of the things I value most in stories is how realistic it can be (obviously, fantasy/sci-fi stories are different) but since your story is set in the “real world”, my biggest issue is that it is not very realistic. You’ve introduced quite some serious symptoms to Sehun in which I believe if ever to occur in real life, the hospital would not release him as simply as that – especially not without a proper caretaker. While you’ve also touched upon some other symptoms of this disorder, you’ve only focused on one. A KB patient with symptoms as severe as Sehun would definitely be seen with many other behavioural deficits besides amnesia. I’ll have to take some points away for that.

               Second, I find it very strange that Kai, who fell from the same height and speed as Sehun, was the one who died while Sehun escaped with only head damage (he didn’t even seem to have any broken limbs). Again, a little unrealistic. Luhan was also disposed in a similar way (hit by a car) while Sehun practically walks away. You can tell this is a major issue for me but other than the mentioned above, I can tell you’ve thought out your plotline well!

Character Development [9/10]

                I will take this time to address your three main characters: Luhan, Sehun and Kai.

                Luhan: He is the one with the most development (no surprise as you focused on him the most). He starts off as a weaker man who is overpowered by Sehun and Kai. He is afraid to express his love and only dreams of the life he can have. However, once he is given charge of Sehun, he quickly rushes at the opportunity to express his love. You’ve expressed the desperation Luhan feels around Sehun and the heartbreak of never being able to attain his dreams. This is a job well done! My small complaint is at how fast Luhan went to express his love after Kai passed away… Even to the extent of telling Sehun that he is his lover while that is not the complete truth. But, all for the angst right…? The angst.

                Sehun: Only a small amount of time is spent on his character to tell us what he was like before the accident. You can tell just how much he has changed with the small memories you inserted here and there. It makes me miss how he used to be around Luhan. The fact that you’ve written it so I pity him (especially that Epilogue) only makes your readers empathize with him even more.

                Kai: Even less is known about Kai, but I liked him well as a character! He is not afraid to tell Luhan how he feels about Sehun and his strong personality is what contrasts Luhan’s and really, makes Luhan into a stronger person. I like how you’ve used him as a character! Great job!

Writing Style [18/20]

                I very much enjoyed reading your story. You write in a concise way that naturally flows between conversations and scenes. I was never once confused at what you were trying to say which is extremely important in writing. You’ve tagged your story with romance and tragedy which I do feel you’ve managed to express well in the story’s entirety. I felt sad or frustrated or bitter-sweet at the moments I was supposed to.  

               I see that you enjoy using metaphors and similes! Those are great literary devices and really help create a more beautiful image of your story. That being said, there are some parts where the things you are comparing are a little strange. Ex. (ch1) everything must be saved, kept into their bucket of memories, and a pinch must not fall to the ground. What exactly is it a pinch of? Sand? If so, perhaps an hourglass might be more significant – an artifact that represents how precious time is. It will also be more obvious that a pinch refers to sand in this case.

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [20/25]

                First thing I noticed when I started reading (and I’ve pointed it out in your foreword as well), is a small mix up of sentence structure. There are times when you add “-s” to the end of words that do not need it. There are also times you add extra words but mainly you omit words that need to be there.

                You use “eoh” a lot but I don’t seem to understand what this is… It throws me as a reader off so I would probably replace it with the English word (assuming that it is something in Korean)

                I usually like to read simple stories as when too complicated words are used, it takes away from the beauty of simplicity. Your story is one where I think would actually benefit in the use of a more expansive vocabulary because your story is based on emotions and expression of the characters. To make it more immersive, I’d suggest you to maybe use a thesaurus once in a while so you don’t have a repetition of words!

                All in all, there are no major mistakes with spelling, grammar or diction but I would still suggest you to either read your story once through or even hire a beta-reader! Your eyes can become accustomed to the structure you’ve written so a fresh pair of eyes will certainly help!

Personal Enjoyment [8/10]

                I don’t really know EXO too well so I would not personally click on your story to read if I did stumble across it. That being said, I did enjoy how nice and (bitter)sweet this piece unfolded. You’ve got some good ideas and you know how to get what you’ve intended across. A job well done and keep working on your writing! :)

Final Score [83/100]