The Light Beneath A Shadow

Title [9/10]

                This title is actually quite interesting! I like it a lot – like how could light and shadows, two terms that are opposites be connected with one another? And usually a shadow is darkness so how is it that there is light beneath it? Perhaps the light is Kai as he’s an idol? But usually idols are seen as beings that are above normal society…  Seriously, count me intrigued!

                I was quite reluctant to deduct marks off for its seemingly nonexistent relevance to the content itself, just because you don’t actually have that many chapters out as of the moment. However, I must do what a reviewer does and so… One mark off for me not being able to see yet why you’ve chosen this title.

Description and Foreword [7/10]

                Your foreword and description is quite short; straight to the point. Personally, I feel like this section should have more things, whether it be words or pictures, to draw in the attention of your reader. This part of the story is a bit like advertising – people will automatically want to buy the product if there is something that they like on there! Same with your story, if you have something there to help engage your reader, they are more likely to click next. In general, it’s a little lackluster in the terms of aesthetic value but focusing on the actual words itself, there is nothing wrong. I read it and thought, “Hm… this seems quite interesting!”

                But definitely, if you are to add something else that will capture the eyes of readers bypassing, you’ll benefit from it.

Plot [11/15]

                 Starting off, I applaud you for undertaking such a unique plot! I mean, from what I've seen so far, there aren't any elements that are too cliched or anything I expected would happen. However, I do have to say that your plot is a little bit all over the place. You’ve introduced this story to be one with a specific theme and plotline but then you throw in the whole bit with Mark and Yoongi… Perhaps you’re building up to something else that will impact Kyungsoo and Kai’s relationship, but as for now it seems sort of randomly placed and irrelevant to the direction of the plot in itself. When I got to that part, I nearly thought I was reading a whole new story in itself!

                I always like to speak about how realistic this could be (in terms of this AU of course) and I can sort of see this happening (a little bit farfetched but sure). I mention it a little bit with Kyungsoo’s character itself but I wish there were certain things within each chapter where we could see growth. What I mean by this is a general focus point that readers are able to be directed towards. Each chapter right now is a bit like an individual episode of a TV show without some overarching theme to bridge them all together. I’d like it if you could connect things a little bit more. Like, how are past things going to impact the future?

                This piece is still in the beginnings of being formed, so there is a lot of room for you to continue to branch out! I’m curious to see how everything would link together, especially with your initial question from your foreword: “How quickly does the college boy’s life change after that one snap decision?”

Character Development [8/10]

                 You’ve got two main characters so these are the ones I am going to be focusing on.

Kai: You do well and stay true to his bubbly, friendly personality throughout the entire piece! We’ve yet to be revealed who he truly is, but so far I’m liking the contradiction to Kyungsoo’s personality. There also what I even think as to be a mysterious aura around him. As in why in the world did he check out Kyungsoo’s profile in the beginning? I’d like to see how you reveal this!

Kyungsoo: I’m still trying to get a good grasp on his character. He’s supposedly the biggest fanboy on earth but then he’s immensely (nearly scarily) calm when he’s at the fanmeet and when he meets Kai in a restaurant. I’m not saying people should necessarily freak out, but I would have definitely expected a greater reaction from him. I mean, this is a person he idolizes. I think it makes his character a little bit unrealistic.

                I’m hoping to see more of both of their personalities being revealed in later chapters!

Writing Style [15/20]

                Your writing is a little bit awkward. I mention it with your plot and it’s evident in your writing as well. You tend to jump from one idea to another without bridging the two together. An example of this is in your first chapter:

                “Kim Myungsoo was a good friend of his but honestly, had the grace of a baby elephant.”

                Besides the small grammatical errors here, see how you have presented two ideas; 1) Myungsoo is a good friend of his 2) he has the grace of a baby elephant. How are these ideas related to one another? Why are you making this comparison? Myungsoo being a good friend of Kyungsoo’s has no relationship to having the grace of a baby elephant. If by chance you are referring to the fact that Myungsoo is quite handsome and most people would assume he excels in everything and then make the comparison that he actually has the grace of a baby elephant… then that would bridge the ideas together. This will give a sense of coherence and flow to your writing.

                In general, I see that you strive to provide as much information and imagery to your readers but I think you overdo it at times. You spent a really long time explaining how each of the members were like during the fanmeet in the second chapter and I felt that was unnecessary – especially when you had stated that everything else was a bit of a blur to Kyungsoo. Try instead to focus on dialogue to help reveal certain things and rather than using “regular” sentences to explain how a character feels or what they see, you could use inner thoughts etc.

                I will end this section off by saying that you have a very solid and structured way of writing. Like I mentioned, there were moments when things got a little awkward, but I can see the change near the end of the chapters where they became more sophisticated! Keep on writing and growing in this aspect!

                Side note (since I’m writing this as I’m reading) that whole entire text conversation had me guessing cuz so many shorthands that I have never seen before. Oh man… it was like figuring out a puzzle… whew!

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [19/25]

                There are a couple of spelling errors, but I’m sure they are purely typos and so as far as I’m concerned, nothing spellcheck won’t fix for you. Regarding grammar, I think there are certain places you can benefit from in using commas or periods (these interchange depending on context).

                He had some grease around his mouth which made his lips look unnaturally shiny and ridiculously attractive, Kyungsoo couldn’t look away from the younger boy, stunned.  

                Using this example, I’m going to speak about the grammar and a little about diction. First of all, you tend to refer to Kai as “the younger boy” a whole lot. Probably more than needed. I’d suggest different alternatives or other descriptive words for him. Second, see how long that sentence is? You definitely need to split it up as multiple ideas are being introduced. I’m going to put my suggestion below:

                He had some grease around his mouth (comma) which made his lips look unnaturally shiny and ridiculously attract (period) Kyung couldn’t look away from the younger boy as he was stunned.

                Two main ideas now. As well, you can’t just simply say he can’t look away and then follow it up with a comma of “stunned”. These are two things describing Kyungsoo – he has his eyes on Kai and he is stunned. You must present it like this.

                I think this section falls in very well with my comments about your general writing style. You’ve got everything down solid with zero to no mistakes, but there are merely parts here and there that can use improvement. Nothing is glaringly obvious but once these are fixed, I believe will help enhance your piece a lot.

Personal Enjoyment [7/10]

                I don't actually read anything related to EXO (except for when I do reviews haha) so I can't say that this particularly piqued my interest. However, I wouldn’t say it was a bad piece at all! From beginning until end, I felt intrigued enough to continuing reading. There are a bunch of things I talk about in the review above as my suggestions to how you can make this even better and I hope that this review serves as insight for you! As always, I’m honoured that you’ve decided to allow me to review this for your and good luck to you and your future writings!