Back In Time

Title [5/10]

                At the end of the first chapter, I do not see any relevance to your story. I get that you’ve been inspired by a music video (?) and there is the theme of time travel (?). However, this is a commonly seen title and so again, this doesn’t catch my attention.

Description and Foreword [5/10]

                Your foreword is quite short. It simply tells the readers the characters and you provide inspiration of this piece. There are a couple of grammatical errors in your description. In reality, the sentence works by itself but I don’t think the way you wrote it really conveys what you’re been meaning to say. So, here is my suggestion:

                How does one to deal with the lost? How does one to fight the hatred? … Two people in pain meet. This is a story about a man who preferred to abandon versus another one who shared his experience to move on.

                Other than that, there’s actually nothing in this foreword that tells the readers anything about the story. You do not have a hook to draw readers in which easily makes your piece one to click and then move on after.

Plot [8/15]

                I personally think you jump into the plot a little too quickly. I was halfway through the chapter and I still had absolutely no idea what the setting was, who the main character is (I had a rough idea) and…just what was happening.

                At times, this is effective. However, you must immediately go and explain or at least give a brief introduction to your setting! A little background information would be good in telling the readers what type of story they are going to be reading.  

                As your story is in its preliminary stages, I can’t make too many judgments about it. The first chapter was…okay as an introduction. I think it will better be improved if you specifically tell the readers what is about to happen. I can summarize the first chapter in a sentence: Antisocial guy gets dragged by friends to a cosplay convention and meets another guy.

                Your first chapter is not really short and with the amount of material you’ve created, I feel a lot more should have happened.

Character Development [4/10]

                Again, your story has really yet to start. I don’t have much to say about your characters as there are two that have just been introduced.

                My comments for this section are the same for your plot. They’re introduced too quickly without any background knowledge. I hope that with your following chapters, you will delve into creating more of a story for them rather than a story of them.  

Writing Style [13/20]

                First thing that catches my attention is the fact that you don’t use quotations when your characters speak. This is extremely problematic. There is a reason quotation marks exist; this is so you can specify when a character is speaking versus when they might be having a thought. I really do suggest you to implement them rather than using dashes! This becomes glaringly obvious when you insert things like “said the first one” without indicating that the quotation has come to an end. The readers are left playing a guessing game as to when the characters has finished speaking.

                Also, it is quite confusing as to why you are using personal pronouns in the story. I’m not sure why you’ve opted to use “my” or “we”. Unless you, as an author, have completely created a character I don’t think it’s proper of you to use it. Instead, I would simply use “the” or “one”.  

Spelling, Grammar and Diction [16/25]

                Spelling: there isn’t anything that stuck out at me. I mean, with the power of spellcheck, you really can’t go wrong.

Grammar: your sentence structure and flow do not quite match. You have all the words written, but they are either used incorrectly or placed in the wrong spot in a sentence. I really advise you to get yourself a beta-reader or just have a friend edit your story so you can improve your flow as well as the structure!

                The diction is also a little strange throughout your piece. Ex. Practicing her since their childhood, he knew perfectly she was only doing this to get his news. First of all, what does practicing her mean? Do you perhaps want to say practicing with her? Second, she was only doing this to get his news. This also doesn’t quite make sense. My interpretation: she was only doing this to get updates from him. The above is a perfect example of what I mean when I say that you have all the right words but in the wrong order.

                The above two areas are the biggest areas that I believe you should improve on! Once those two are fixed (along with my other suggestions), I think you’ll have a good piece created!

Personal Enjoyment [4/10]

                Sadly, I have to say I did not really enjoy reading your first chapter. To me, nothing happened and I still have no idea what this story is about. My hope is that you’ll be uncovering more about this piece in following chapters! I hope I didn’t come across as too harsh in this review – I only want you to do well! As always, keep up the great work you’ve put out so far (it’s so daunting to put your work out in public) and good luck as you continue your writing career!