Dream, reality

Yoongi was born in a small town in a rural area far from the city. It was a good environment to grow up in when you are just six and the world is your playground. There were a lot of trees he could climb, blackberry bushes from which he could steal the juicy fruits, and a lot of children to play with. Yoongi could say now that probably was his happiest period of life.

He was too young to understand that what was his personal heaven, was a living hell for his family.

He remembered his mother had started to work at the local factory, even though his father’s hours of work as a laborer hadn’t diminished. Yoongi observed this reality, he was too young to understand.

“You are my miracle, Yoongi. You are this family’s miracle,” His mother used to say to him whenever she came back to take him from his grandma’s house. She always had a somber face after work but he tried to ignore it, because her hugs were still warm even when she hugged him a bit too tight. He didn’t complain, though. He had missed her too. She was his best friend, his companion, his mommy. He had only her because his father had always worked too many hours to be able to spend with him some of his time, while his mother had always been with him. He was young he didn’t realize he was her only friend too.

The weird things, however, started when he was a bit older. They had the soulmates talk in first grade and Yoongi took this information like he took all the information that didn’t concern new exciting toys. With complete disinterest.

There was a kid in his school, he was a couple years older. It had started as childish antics because Yoongi was a better player in the basketball court than even kids older than him. He was trying to explain to this kid that they had won fair and square, but the kid didn’t want to understand and Yoongi should have backed up. Didn’t his mother always say to him to not pick fights?

“Shut up, you faker!” The kid had said shoving him to the ground. Yoongi did his best to not cry even if his hurt. The other kids laughed. It was just a childish insult. Yoongi sulked for a bit, but didn’t think too much about that.

He should have. Because after that, it started to degenerate.

First, it was just that kid but soon after, even the friends of those kids started to pick on him. But Yoongi was a good student and was still the best basketball player in the court. It was just a bunch of bored kids who, for some reason, started to pick on him because they were envious.

“Faker, liar!” Yoongi shrugged them off. It wasn’t important, the other kids at school knew the truth, he himself knew the truth. He didn’t say anything at home, his father was busy with work or spending his time drinking from a bottle and his mother spent more and more hours at her work place.

He started to spend more hours at his grandma’s home.

At home he was still their treasure, their small miracle. Their champion. So he didn’t care if some kids at school picked on him.

“He’s a liar, a faker. My father says numbers zero are trash because they are liars. Your family is trash!” Yoongi lost his patience, he didn’t care if the kid was taller than him. He launched himself at him and threw a punch even if he had never done it before. It ended with bruised lips and a scolding in the dean office. His mother apologized to the dean and the kids’ family. Yoongi thought it was unfair because they had insulted his family, he was just defending them. When he tried to say so to his mother, she warned him with a stare and he closed his mouth. If possible she bowed even deeper.

“But mom, you know I’m right. They said we are liars, fakers, he insulted us.”

“Even if it was like that, what have I told you? Don’t fight back!”

“But Mom.”

“Yoongi!” she screamed, but she soon looked around ashamed, because they still were on the school grounds. Some of the other mothers were staring at them. She glared at him and Yoongi didn’t dare to talk and went fuming inside the car.

Once in the car, his mother the engine and quickly maneuvered them out of the parking lot of the school.

“Yoongi you have to understand. We are who we are. Didn’t you have soulmate lessons last year? Didn’t I tell you? We are zeroes. We are zeroes of three generations. If you don’t behave well, it can end a lot worse than a scolding from the school dean!”

“But I’m not!” Yoongi protested.

“I know darling. You are our little miracle. But here, in this small place forgotten by god, it’s like you were. Promise me, promise me you won't’ fight back! Ever!”

Yoongi didn’t say anything. Because he didn’t want to lie.

The fights in fact didn’t stop because the bullying didn’t stop. It was painful. He was still a good student and he was still the best player inside the basketball court. But more kids had started to pick on him, because he fought back so often that he had started to have a bad reputation.

He wanted to complain and scream in frustration because it wasn’t fair. When he told his teacher she just smiled at him, that sugarcoated smile of numbers two, and said that maybe Yoongi had to put more effort into integrating.

When he complained to his mother, she punished him. But he didn’t cry, he would never cry. Because he had still his trees, his black berry bushes, and he still enjoyed running free through the fields even if he had no friends. Even he didn’t understand.

Then one day he saw his mother come to pick him up from his grandmother’s house and he couldn’t help but notice that her eyes were red, like she had been crying. She still smiled though, and Yoongi didn’t comment. If she was smiling, maybe he had imagined the red. Everything had to be ok. This town was still his heaven.

But one day, one day Yoongi couldn’t take it anymore. One day he sneaked out from his grandmother’s house, and with his bike he rode to the factory in the near outside of the small town. It was still far for a seven year old kid and his breath was labored, but he had to find out.

His mother was exiting from the factory, there were small groups of men and women chatting among each other, but his mother was alone. She wasn’t smiling.

“That woman is always sad. She should be grateful the owners are giving a job to someone of their kind.” He heard some of the men passing by Yoongi’s spot, say. He never said his mother’s name but somehow Yoongi knew. He left the bike in a corner and he ran towards his mother. She seemed startled and she was about to scold him but he didn’t let her, he hugged her tight at the waist.

His mother returned the hug. He understood, oh if he understood.

His mother was been bullied too.

When he was twelve, things changed. His grandmother passed away and with her every bond it tied the Min family there. With their savings and with the promise of a good job for his father in the capital, they moved out. As Yoongi observed his hometown getting small from the back mirror of the car, he had bittersweet feelings. It was his hometown and he had some happy memories in there, but he felt so relieved in his life.

He knew that if he stayed any longer, he would have started to hate every woman, man or kid living there.

In the capital, their life changed drastically. The job of his father turned out to be better than what they had hoped, and some benefits started to flow in. His mother started to smile more and more genuinely. She still worked even though it was no longer so many hours like she used to do in the past. Yoongi had enrolled in the school near his neighborhood, and he had new friends. Kids that didn’t shout at him bad words and that adored him for his skills in the basketball court.

His family finally had some peace and Yoongi thought the worst had been left behind.

Then, one day when he was coming back from school, he found his mother talking with their neighbor.

“Oh Yoongi, did you grow up? Every time I see you, you get taller!” Their neighbor was a good and old woman who had a lot of cats. Yoongi liked to play with them.

“How old are you by the way?”

“I’m thirteen this year.”

“I bet you are really curious to find your soulmate. I remember when I was your age, I took the bus all the way to the other part of the city because somehow I had convinced myself my soulmate lived there,” The old woman said laughing.

“Actually…” Yoongi started. He had never gave importance to the soulmate matter. He nearly despised them. He couldn’t forget that his family was bullied by number twos.

If having a soulmate meant looking down on the others, then he couldn’t give a flying about his. Besides, all his life people had treated him like he was a number zero and it was ok like that. He wanted nothing to share with them.

“My son is really eager to meet his number one. But I told him to wait a bit longer! Five years Yoongi and then you’ll be like me and you father. You know we are the same age, so we were lucky and we could meet when we were both 18!” His mother commented laughing. The old woman laughed too. Yoongi paled. He tried to excuse himself smiling faintly.

Liar. Faker. Those words never felt so real and never hurt so much. Because they were true. His mother had lied. Was lying. Maybe they had been lying all along. Because they were zeros of three generations. His mother and his father married because of an engagement settled by the two families who were notoriously noted as the black ships of their hometown. And not because of love.

“What was that Yoongi?” his mother inquired him entering his room even though the door was close.

“Mom you are not a number two,” He accused.

“Darling, we are not in that place anymore. So yes, we are number twos.”

“But you are not. I am.”

“Yes but nobody has to know that.”

“But…we are lying.”

“Yoongi, Yoongi you are too young to understand.”

“I understand that we are fakers.”

“Hear me out young man. If I say we are number twos, we are numbers twos. Don’t you dare say otherwise in public. Do you hear me? I didn’t suffer for that long in that hell pit and saved money to move out, just for our new present to be crushed because you can’t say a simple lie. You are our little miracle, remember? This means you have responsibilities in this family. Thanks to you, we can put an end to three generations of disgrace! So if I tell you to lie you will!”

Yoongi was too frozen to move. He looked at his mother like had never seen her before.

Why his mother was behaving like that? He remembered her lovely face, trying to smile even during the hard times. Calling him their little miracle. Suddenly those words didn’t sound so beautiful anymore.

When he was 15 he started to rebel.

His family had started to have contact with his soulmate’s family the year before and Yoongi decided he didn’t want any of that. That made his mother go crazy and she started to try to control him. He started to stay away from his house as long as he could.

soulmates, numbers twos.

He started to smoke in spite of his mother and he had decided to fool around as much he could.

It hurt. It hurt so much. He had been used by his own family all these years. To them, he wasn’t a son to love, but a tool to use to gain status. Yoongi didn’t have any intention to play their game.
His first day of high school, he woke up late and stomped out of the house without greeting his parents. His mother shouted at him, but he didn’t really care. He knew that once he stepped outside his mother wouldn’t dare to say anything because she was too engrossed into maintaining the facade of the happy peaceful number two family. He wanted to puke at the thought.

Yoongi had a plan in life. And it was to be alone forever. He had a lot of things he could do that didn’t entail having a soulmate. He could be a great physician and contribute to society. Or he could pursue art, after all his status let him do that. Lately, he had started to mix beats instead of going to train in the basketball court. He wrote down sparse words, full of his sorrow and his loneliness. He hoped one day someone would hear them and feel consoled by that.

He had his plan set, his mind ready. Nothing would distract him from his goal.

Then he met Park Jimin.

Jimin was a number zero. Jimin was everything Yoongi would have asked for if he knew what to ask. He didn’t do it on purpose. It kind of happened. It was hard to resist that smile, that warm sensation Jimin sported everywhere, always, like there was nothing that could take that brightness away from him. Yoongi’s only experience was with his family, who had known only sufferance and whose difficulties had managed to make them ugly, tiring them little by little from the inside. Jimin was different. It was like he didn’t care if the world kept telling him he couldn’t love, he was still determined to do it. Yoongi got overwhelmed by this force of nature and so if Jimin could love, why couldn’t Yoongi?

And so he loved Jimin with all the fervor a sixteen year old could have and more.

Jimin was all his firsts and he really, really, wanted for him to be all his lasts.

“What do you think you are doing son?”

He had tried. He had tried to keep Jimin hidden from his family, until he would had been old enough to look for a job and move in with him. Because his family had become the symbol of a life that disgusted him. A life made of lies, ambition and envy. He should had known his mother would have noticed, at some point.

“I don’t know what are you talking about mom,” Yoongi said flatly as he acted like he was doing his homework while instead he had a diary full of lyrics under the textbook.

“If you say so. I know number twos like you like experience before the bond is settled, and it’s fine. I understand you are a young and healthy man. But remember: You can’t escape your destiny. I among people, can tell you that, son.”

She had said with a sweet and understanding tone, like motherly advices to her precious son, but Yoongi didn’t buy it. It was a warning. A reminder of what the family expected from him. What the whole world expected from him. He didn’t say anything. He continued to scribble on his notebook waiting for her to step away from the door of his bedroom.

“When it’s time. You’ll get rid of him,” She said before leaving. He waited a whole minute before taking his textbooks and throwing them hard at the wall.

She probably had seen Jimin on their way back home. He had always made sure to say goodbye to his boyfriend way before arriving at his house but somehow she had managed to spot them.

The mothers knew, people said. But god knew if Yoongi didn’t want that. Just one year more. Just another year and then he would grab Jimin and escape as far away as possible. Far from his mother, from his family, in a place where they could love each other freely.

Him being a number two shouldn’t’ matter. It didn’t need to matter. He loved Jimin and he would have him, he told himself.

He bit his lips, he wasn’t going to cry. They say liars didn’t deserve tears.

“Do you ever think about future? Settling down? Having a big house with a cat and a dog. Have a family?”

It was a beautiful warm afternoon in May. He and Jimin had stopped to buy some ice cream and then into a park on their way home. The question took him by surprise. Min Yoongi didn’t talk about the future, that had become a sad rule. Because the future was scary and uncertain and he knew that sooner or later he had to explain Jimin everything in order to convince his boyfriend to elope with him. He was tempted so many times to just confess the truth, that he, Yoongi, wasn’t a beautiful human being like Jimin thought, like he deserved. That he was ugly that he had a secret: he was a number two who wasn’t free to love who he wanted but loved him nonetheless and had lied in order to continue doing so.

Min Yoongi didn’t talk about future because the fear was eating him alive, the fear of Jimin knowing the truth and leaving him if he found out who Yoongi was. Jimin had always been the best part of them and if he knew the other had a soulmate, he would let them have a chance if not for Yoongi for his soulmate. While he himself didn’t give a damn. He would rot in hell if it meant to keep what he had now.

The sweetness of in Jimin’s voice, made him want to reply for once.

“Sometimes,” he said, sitting down on a bench and taking Jimin to sit down in his lap. He rested his forehead on his shoulder.

“Me too. I think I would prefer a house instead of an apartment so we could have dogs and cats, a garden where flowers grow.”

“No kids?” Yoongi

“You know we can’t, Yoongi.” And he seemed sad about it.

“Would you like to?”

“Sometimes,” he replied and Yoongi asked himself if his own tone had sounded as sad as the tone of Jimin now. “You?” Jimin asked then.

“Hell no,” Yoongi said shaking his head. Jimin turned to look at his offended expression and laughed.

“What have kids done to you Min Yoongi?”

“Me and toddlers don’t get along well, believe me. Call me an , but I’m so happy you are who you are. I think I would freak out if one day someone will come out saying I’m going to be a father. I’ll probably end up doing something really stupid.”

“You think like that only because we are too young.”

“No. I’m saying because it’s like that,” Yoongi squeezed his waist. “We can live with a dozen puppies. I really don’t care, as long as you are there.”

Jimin leaned down to kiss him.

Yoongi asked himself form the umpteenth time why time couldn’t slow down and make this moment a forever.

When Yoongi turned 18 he was terrified.

His eighteenth birthday would be his worst day for the years to come.

After that last discussion, his mother didn’t say anything to him. She just shook her head in disapproval when he went out with a random excuse and she had to know he was as going to Jimin’s. Yoongi thought she was probably sure that once he finished high school he would just follow her plan which was not the case. So he didn’t pay attention, he was too engrossed in his personal plans of evasion to do anything else.

But a week before his birthday, she came into his bedroom and started to leave some clothes there.

First it was a shirt. She hung it on the knob of his wardrobe and she left it there without saying a word. Then it was his trousers. She left them on his chair and again Yoongi came back home and saw them, but decided to not comment even though deep down he knew.

The day before his birthday he found her seated on his bed with a tie on her hands waiting for him.

“Yoongi dear, come sit down with me would you?”

“No,” He said but he stayed frozen in the threshold because he knew that sweet tone so well and it never brought him good.

She sighed.

“Tomorrow is your birthday. Your father and I took a day off and together we’ll go out to have dinner in the new restaurant they opened last week. It’s not everyday a young man turns 18. After dinner…”

“Mom.”

“After dinner we’ll go into this beautiful tea house they told me is the best place for the meeting ceremonies. It also has an internal garden and everything, I think you’ll like it,”

“Mom please!”

“We’ll go there. We’ll have the meeting party and then you’ll meet your soulmate. It’s going to be a great day. A day of happiness for you and the family,” she said tightening the grip on the tie.

“I won’t go,” Yoongi said.

“You’ll go. Because everything is arranged and your soulmate is waiting for you.”

“You never discussed it with me! Instead you put all your effort to hide it from me even though it’s my life, my destiny! I won't’ go!”

“Why? Is it because of that little number zero? Didn’t I tell you to get rid of him? I thought I told you so,” She said smiling.

“Don’t you dare to talk like that of him.”

“Yoongi. Yoongi, my little miracle.” Yoongi shivered. He hated that name, he hated her, everything.
“You give yourself too much credit. You are a number two dear. You are fated to have a soulmate. I know you believe you love your friend and maybe you do, but the moment you’ll see your soulmate, that will disappear. It won’t matter. Your soulmate is someone shaped, chosen, carved for you. No matter how much you think you love someone else, nothing is going to be the soulmate bond. Nothing.”

Yoongi’s legs were shaking. He had to hold the ground. He had to fight, how come he didn’t see this one coming. He should have escaped this winter, taken Jimin and gone somewhere. He didn’t do it because usually families wait for the school to finish. Apparently he didn’t take into consideration his mother’s greed.

“I’m sorry you are a number zero mom, I’m sorry you don’t have your soulmate and I know it was hard on you, but don’t you ever dare disregard my feelings for Jimin. I love him. I love him in a way you won’t ever understand. And I’ll do anything to prove the world that. Even if it means going against the odds. I don’t care.”

Yoongi said. But before he could add anything else she took three steps and in a moment she was taking him by the shoulders and squeezing hard. She was smaller than him but years of planning, suffering and hating in the dark made her look terrifying.

“You don’t care! You are just 18 Yoongi. Do you really think you are for this? Do you know how much sufferance are you going to cause because of this stupid dream of yours? You’ll hurt your soulmate’s family, your soulmate, me and your father, and even the kid you think you love. People won’t ever forgive you. They will never understand your choice and they will humiliate you and try to belittle you at any chance they get because of who you are—because of what you did. When you look for a job they will laugh at you in disgust. They will refuse to help you even if you deserve it because of what you did and it’ll be like that everywhere you go. And even if in the end you manage to survive, they’ll make your life a living nightmare, punishing you for your choices. Meanwhile, the so-called love of your life will be dragged down with you in a life of misery and despair, until nothing of what brought you together at first will remain. So tell me son, are you ready for this? Because believe me this is what is going to happen!”

“I...” Yoongi wanted to say something but everything was too much to process and he didn’t know what to say. What was he supposed to say?

“If you think you are ready then go ahead. Go ahead and destroy everything we worked for. But if you are not, if you are not, then you don’t have much of choice. Until the day you find your resolution to go ahead, you will come with us and you’ll accept what you were born for,” She said walking out of his room.

Yoongi collapsed on his knees, folding in on himself, trying to hug the crumbling pieces that was himself.

What was he going to do? What was he going to do? He didn’t cry when the kid shoved him down. He didn’t cry when he found out his mother was bullied. He didn’t when he left his hometown and neither when it was evident his family was a faker.

He did now in realizing what all this was heading to.

How can you live with a shattered heart?

There were people in this world that went through life without the consolation of having someone to share their life with. It was the tragedy of zeroes and everyone was aware of it.

What about him then? Didn’t he deserve some commiseration too? He had found love way before finding his supposed fated love.

When he was with his love, when he moved, the lights never failed to become brighter.

But Yoongi was a number two, he was a ing number two and he had a soulmate, hence he couldn’t, shouldn’t have him. Because he didn’t belong to him.

She was everything he never knew he needed and still she was there. She was kind and delicate and understood his already taken heart. The lights didn’t become brighter, maybe they’ll never become brighter but it was a comforting presence beside him.

His mother was wrong, though. He didn’t forget about Jimin when he met her, because he still loved him to death. But somehow his heart was larger than what he originally thought. She was able to find some space in there too and he hated it. He hated it because he didn’t deserve it, she didn’t deserve it, Jimin didn’t deserve it. There were people that went through life without the consolation of having someone there for them but he had two people. Not one, but two.

Tell me tell me then, how am I supposed to choose?

One year ago, he was planning to escape, grab Jimin and go somewhere far away and some part of him still wanted to do that. He loved Jimin and she would be better with another man and their families would survive. But every time he decided to do so, he just couldn’t bring himself to actually do it.

How much longer can I go?

So to the lie about his status, it was added the to the lie about his soulmate, lies after lies poured over Jimin’s head as he took his love in exchange.

I’m a liar, I’m a faker. I’ve always been one.

Then it happened, of course. He couldn’t go like that forever.

They were in their last year, Jimin was starting to ask more and more about future plans—and his soulmate too. Their families demanded more meetings. Someone was bounded to see them and spread the truth.

He should have been the one in telling him. He should have been but in all the months between his birthday and the beginning of school, he never found the right moment.

And the truth came to find them.

He didn’t know what was happening until he saw it. A big red zero painted on Jimin’s school locker. Someone probably had found out Yoongi was a number two and that Jimin wasn’t his soulmate and decided to make a joke of it.

And even if in the end you manage to survive, they’ll make your life a living nightmare punishing for your choices, meanwhile the so called love of your life will be dragged down with you in a life of misery and despair, until nothing of what took you together at first will remain. So tell me my son, are you ready for this?

Panic run trough his veins, his breath turned erratic. This was it. This was it.

He watched the scene in despair, the people laughing in front of Jimin’ shock, his status and situation exposed to everyone’s laugh. And before he knew it he unclasped their hand and took a step back.

Jimin turned towards him, looking at him with his big bright eyes, like he was looking to Yoongi for the first time.

He couldn’t. He couldn’t go through that once again. It was going to get worse, he was once there, he heard his mother cry in the silence of their small house in that place forgotten by god. He remembered his father drowning his sorrows in a bottle and being too tired or too drunk to pay attention to them. He remembered his bruises, he remembered the shame and being angry even though he knew he was right but nobody was going to help him.

He couldn’t.

You are a liar. A faker.

Yes, Yoongi was. Apparently he was a coward too.

He looked for Jimin everywhere. When finally he managed to push away his fear, he realized the gravity of his actions. Not only his lies were discovered, but he left the person he loved by himself to take it all. Yoongi couldn’t breathe, everything was falling apart and it was his fault.

He found Jimin crying alone in the school roof. He was seated there hugging his knees and crying.

And Yoongi’s heart broke.

No matter how much time will pass, he knew, he knew there was no way he could be forgiven for this. Never. There was nothing worst than hurting the one you love with your hands.

There would never be enough pure water to wash the betray.

“My family is number zeroes by three generations. My family had suffered for three generations, then they thought they found their salvation in me, the most undeserving member. I’m a number two. I always knew I was one even though I wished I wasn’t. Because I hate number twos. They made our life a living hell and I couldn’t accept to be grouped with them. Never. Then I met you, and that wish grew bigger. But even like that I still wanted to be with you.”

“You have soulmate,” Jimin whispered.

“What?” he didn’t get it because it was a whisper, but really he should had known Jimin would react to that, that no amount of disregard would be enough to cancel the fact Yoongi was committed to someone else.

“You have a soulmate, Yoongi. Tell me what are you going to say about that? You have someone waiting for you. Someone with whom to buy and house and build a family. Do you even know how lucky you are?”

“I don’t give a damn of how lucky I could be. I was lucky even without it. I love you. I love you I love you.”

“Still. You left me alone.”

Yoongi deflated. He fell on his knees, ashamed in front of the truth.

“What do you want from me now, Yoongi ? My love? You already have it,” he said lifting his head.

“But it won’t make it any better.”

Yoongi winced. Was this the end? He couldn’t accept it. Not having Jimin in his life would be like living days without his warmness of the lights. It would be like living without a limb without a heart. There really was no solution.

But they loved each other, shouldn’t love always be enough? Shouldn’t people that love each other do the impossible to stay together?

“I can’t promise you good times, not right now. But I can promise you I will try to find a way, a solution to fix it all, somehow. However, if this is already too much and you want to walk away now I’ll let you. But if you think you can’t leave, in the same way it hurts me to let you go, then I beg you, give me time. Gives us time. Until the day you say ‘no more’, please stay.”

Yoongi was a liar, a faker, a coward. Apparently he was selfish too.

Author's note: I don't know if I managed to picture well enough Yoongi's tragedy and it's not like he had the worst in absolute terms, but I think the worst destiny is being trapped in our own fears. Honestly I could go in detail, but I didn't want to stay in Yoongi's mind more than necessary and I think Yoongi and Jimin's love story, or what it was, shouldn't be told in a world for two, or ever. Yoongi was bad and I know most of the readers hate him (my best friend does), but I feel a deep simpathy for him even if I can't justify or forgive him (in real life Yoongi is currently breaking my bias list XD). That said I published on my tumblr some spoilers. I'll put them here, if you want to have fun with them, we are rushing towards the grand finale.

- an algorithm based on genetics. It should be perfect. But everything can be bought even love.

- sometimes I feel like Jungkook will always matter more.

- the police was near. There was no escape.