Love is a lie

The meeting with your soulmate is always the most awaited meeting; the one for which you prepared all your life. You are looking at the person made for you. The person that will accept everything about you; that already accepts it. It will be an essential part for continuing to live. You will be two parts of the same organ. But, after all, you have always known that you will never be alone. It was this certainty that lulled your dreams before going to sleep, that gave you the strength to overcome every little obstacle, and it will always be this certainty that will comfort you during all the dark days to come. And, at the same time, that will make more beautiful the happy ones spent together.
Nobody had told you, however, that this meeting would change you. How getting to know your soulmate—what they do, what they think, what they feel—will change everything.

Everything you thought you were, everything you thought you wanted.

The Kim family was very conservative. The tradition was that there were no meetings between soulmates before legal age, and so it happened to Seokjin. He never knew any detail about his soulmate if not a few weeks before his eighteenth birthday. And even then he knew only general things, like the fact that they both attended the last year of high school, although in a different school, and that his soul mate was a very bright student. This last detail seemed enormously dear to his parents. Seokjin tried not to take offense of this, it was true that he had never been much good at school, and that if he wanted one day to continue to lead the company of his father, it was a good thing there would be someone at his side who understood more than him.

Throughout the many years, Seokjin had fantasized a lot about his soulmate. Was he a man or a woman? Tall, short? Did they like books and long walks? Would it be someone who loved to eat as much as himself? The latter seemed a crucial detail.

He had expressed this long string of questions so many times that his cousin Hyosang told him, "Shut up Jin! It’s your soulmate, right? They will be perfect in any case!"

Seokjin could not understand how Hyosang could be so calm about it and how he managed to be with other people in the meantime without feeling regrets. Seokjin had had a couple of stories, but he had always felt so guilty about it that he preferred to break off immediately.

"Your soulmate, would understand,” commented his cousin when Seokjin expressed this concern. He then said that if his soulmate was his perfect half then they would not understand, because Seokjin himself would not.

"Maybe your soul mate, not mine," he replied giving a slight kick to the chair on which Hyosang was rocking and making him inevitably crumble to the ground. Seokjin smiled delightedly.

Seokjin had always got along well with his cousin, during childhood they were playmates and now that they were growing up they stayed very united. They understood each other. Both carried, in fact, the weight of belonging to the Kim family, number twos of at least three generations, and all the expectations that this involved. However, Hyosang was the rebellious cousin, and Seokjin the good one who had to put up with all the trouble his cousin caused countless times. Seokjin every so often envied him, because although he was a Kim, he certainly enjoyed more freedom than he had.

His cousin was not the heir of an empire and the expectations for him were high but not impossible. That was why Seokjin, although he loved his cousin, knew that there would be only one person able to lighten his burden, to understand it and at the same time to not judge him. This person would be his soulmate.

They said your soulmate is your completion and, at the same time, a reflection of your same soul. Two parts of a single whole.

So beyond the fact that this person would be his soul mate, Seokjin was curious if by seeing them he would understand something more of himself, he would feel more comfortable in his skin. His mother always said he had funny thoughts.

However, despite his questions and all the mental preparation to which he had been subjected to throughout his life (there was even a manual of the soulmates of the Kim family), nothing had prepared him for that moment.

Seokjin remembered that it was a few days after his eighteenth birthday, and that it was the afternoon he had returned home early, because that day had not the activities of the photography club. Seokjin would be lying if he said that he didn’t expect it. He knew, in fact, that the Kim family was waiting for his coming of age before the introduction.

Seokjin had studied the ritual, it was a formal meeting of the families, where they drank, exchanged promises, and signed documents. It was the first step of what then would be the formal union once they reached the age of twenty-one. Of course, not all the families were subjected to such hard rules. But Seokjin came from the Kim family, and this involved a lot of pleasantries that Seokjin found boring and useless. In any case, he had always thought that his family would conveniently notify him in advance.

Instead, Seokjin had come home, had slipped his shoes and had walked the endless corridors of the house he called home to go into the kitchen and take a snack, when he was interrupted midway by the housekeeper, and led hastily towards his room. He was told to wash and change, because from there to an hour would begin his introduction.

A Kim must be ready for any eventuality, used to say his grandfather. Seokjin wondered if this was yet another lesson in life for the heir of the Kim family.

Anyway, Seokjin had tried not to panic. He had the time counted, but it did not mean he had to put on his shirt askew. An attendant of his father was waiting outside in the corridor. Seokjin knew they were heading towards the meeting room that his father used when he had emergency meeting. His hands were sweating and he felt his legs heavy and he was sure he was proceeding by sheer inertia.

Was his soulmate at the other side of the door?

Seokjin took a deep breath when he knocked at the door. He waited to hear his father's ‘come in’ before turning the handle.

The meeting room had a glass wall facing the south of their yard and thus was very bright, so for a moment he was blinded. Seokjin then recognized his family sitting on one side of the table, they were all dressed up and sitting with a formal air. His mother gave him a slight smile to encourage him. Seokjin failed to reciprocate the gesture, and opted instead to shift his gaze instead on the other side of the table, where were seated unknown people, probably members of the family of his soulmate. Seokjin was conscious of sounding rude but he just greeted them with a nod of the head.

Despite being the young members of the family more than one, Seokjin knew immediately who was his soulmate. He had to stop himself to cover the distance in a few strides and go instead to sit on his side of the table, just in front of him.

Their eyes met for the first time and Seokjin finally knew what it was to go back to being complete.

We once were one. Now we are the one of each other. There are no zeros when there are two.

"Namjoon, come here, give me a hand!"

“Jin, I’m only an economy student. How could I help a law student?” said Namjoon across the desk in a playful tone.

Seokjin snorted.

"I'm sure you are able to help me. Your knowledge of private law is unfair. I do not know where you learned everything,” Seokjin complained.

Namjoon, exasperated, shook his head, but he was smiling, making appear those dimples on the cheek that had enchanted Seokjin from the first time.

Namjoon then got up to go to him. They always sat on opposite sides of the table on insistence of Seokjin that claimed Namjoon did nothing but distract him. You are the one distracting me, retorted his soulmate. It was true. But Seokjin answered outraged and it always ended the same way, with Seokjin complaining of not understanding a thing and Namjoon trying to do his best to explain it.

Obviously getting up Namjoon had succeeded in overthrowing half the books down the table, making Seokjin laugh and embarrassing himself. Namjoon had been a mess even during their first meeting, he had in fact managed to throw the whole bottle of champagne at the time of the toast.

Seokjin had laughed even then, unable to help himself, while his mother reassured a mortified Namjoon to not worry, that everything was fine. For someone so smart Namjoon was really clumsy.

His soulmate had been a brilliant student in high school and continued to be a brilliant student at the university. There was no book he was not able to absorb and rattled off with embarrassing ease of economic subjects, physics and even philosophy. Seokjin far from being envious, admired him very much and he was very proud of him. His family was too. It was to the point that the Kims had offered to pay tuition fees so that Namjoon could enroll into the best economics departments, although Namjoon had dissented, being able to get a scholarship.

"Stay there, troublemaker, I’ll come," said Seokjin, silencing the protests of Namjoon, who was trying to fix the chaos and going to sit next to him, their text books next to each other.

"Explain these graphics. I'm not understanding a thing,” Seokjin whined turning to Namjoon. For a moment, Namjoon blushed due to their closeness and Seokjin found it so cute that he pressed a resounding kiss on his lips.

“Jin," Namjoon almost fell off his chair in surprise.

Seokjin laughed again, but he decided to leave his number one in peace, and to not embarrass him further. For some reason Namjoon was incredibly shy about their demonstrations of affection, even though more than six months had already passed. Seokjin did not see anything wrong, he liked the idea of time, after all they were soulmates, they had the rest of their lives together to know each other.

He returned his attention to the textbook, but could not help but notice how his book were clean compared to Namjoon’s, who had a lot of notes in the margins. Seokjin had noticed, after the summer spent studying together for the entrance exams, that Namjoon used to take notes in the margins rather than writing in a notebook. He had, therefore, never thought to read the notes, hadn’t thought it was important. But that time, without realizing it, he found himself reading what was written.

The moment I fail, will there be someone to hold my hand?

"Oh, what is this?" Seokjin exclaimed. Namjoon let out a strangled noise, and tried to take away the book from Seokjin’s hands. But Seokjin was quicker and getting up he walked over a corner of the room to continue reading.

Namjoon seemed to deflate on the chair.

"Namjoon but this- this is wonderful! What is it? A poem? Is it yours?” asked Seokjin showing all his excitement.

He needed only one glance to realize that it was indeed Namjoon’s doing.

"It is mine.” Namjoon covered his face with his hands. "Please do not read it. I never showed these things to anyone, at least anyone I knew. Not even to my parents. It’s nothing important."

"It’s something that you wrote, so it's important,”Seokjin said with conviction.

Namjoon smiled. "Come here.”

Seokjin obeyed and returned the book while silently sitting on the chair. He realized that he probably intruded in what must have been one of the secrets of his soulmate.

"I started writing when I was thirteen. My scribbles had not made much sense then, but I kept doing it. You know, sometimes my head is filled with too much. I think too much and it’s not always a benefit. And then I started to put these things in to my writing. What you saw was a verse."

"A verse of a song?” Seokjin asked, and he was sure that his face had to be red to the surprise of discovery and excitement.

"Yes," conceded Namjoon, but it seemed as if he expected for Seokjin to scold him.

"But it's great. You can write songs! Since when? What kind of songs do you do?” Namjoon laughed again, looking a bit in disbelief.

"I should have known you'd be thrilled."

"Why should I not be?"

"Well many people think that it is a stupid hobby, and that it will not lead me anywhere."

“Namjoon, I won’t let anybody speak bad of the things that my soulmate makes, even my soulmate,” said Seokjin.

"We really are soul mates.” commented Namjoon.

"Indeed! Now tell me everything. If the rest is as interesting as these verses then you have your first fan.” Namjoon laughed for real.

That afternoon he told Seokjin everything.

He told him how important it was for him, music and rapping. He said that he participated in a few competitions as an amateur and that he wanted to do this in life, but that he had abandoned that road in view of more important things. And while Namjoon spoke, Seokjin wondered since when Namjoon brought this weight inside, and if he had by chance not read his notes in the margins, how much longer he would have continued keeping it secret.

"I'm glad you decided to confide in me,” Seokjin said.

Ever since that distant day when they had met, there had always been a kind of distance between them. Seokjin knew that in part was due to the fact that Seokjin was a Kim. The branch of tree with number two generations. Whereas Namjoon was a Kim, but the branch that has been extinct until it was born Namjoon. Even though Seokjin wished for no hindrance between them, there were a lot differences and the two had lived opposite lives before their destinies crossed. Living as a Kim was not easy, and the pressure, as the rigid etiquette, was suffocating even for Seokjin, despite all the years he had spent trying to get used to it. He could imagine how difficult was for Namjoon.

To cite one of many examples, including the university's choice of Namjoon was not random. He had received several proposals but the family had expressed the wish that Namjoon enrolled into the college in which generations of the family had studied and so it was. Seokjin also knew that the effort Namjoon had put to get one of the only two scholarship was due to his desire to avoid, as possible as possible, to be indebted with the Kim family.

Seokjin really could understand and he was sorry that his family was the main factor of why things between them were a bit off. But it was his family and he could not change that. Seokjin hoped that their love could be enough and had promised himself to try to spare Namjoon most of the family duties at least until it was inevitable.

It was the reason why he chose jurisprudence and had formally assumed the role of heir. This took away time to spend with Namjoon but at least his soulmate was free. For the moment.

Seokjin took Namjoon by the hand and for once the latter did not tremble at the contact and let Seokjin put his head on his shoulder.

I'm sorry.

Seokjin sensed that Namjoon still wanted to continue pursuing music. But he was a Kim now, and it was not possible.

The week after the great revelation, which had seemed to have united the two even more, Seokjin found himself with Hyosang in a shopping mall, looking for a gift for Namjoon.

With the start of college courses, he didn’t have time to think about what to give to his soulmate, and so now it was two days before his birthday, and he still had no clue.

"Hyosang rather than try on accessories you could help me!" scolded Seokjin.

“Jinnie, since you assumed your role, you are no longer funny. Relax. I'm sure Namjoon will appreciate the gesture, not the content."

Seokjin snorted.

"I do not know how your soulmate puts up with you."

"Because she is my soul mate, it seems obvious," he replied with a smile.

His cousin had been introduced to his soulmate the week after the introduction of Seokjin. Seokjin thought his girlfriend was too sweet and too good for someone like Hyosang, no matter how much he cared for his cousin. He was still an idiot.

Fortunately, Hyosang seemed to have put his head a little in place after meeting her. He still did bad jokes but at least he was diligently attending college and he didn’t get drunk so often on Saturday night.

They passed a stationery store and Seokjin wondered if maybe he could give Namjoon a bound notebook and a beautiful pen, so that he could use that rather than the margins of textbooks.

"Your baby soulmate writes?" Hyosang asked.

"Yes, and he is also very good,” bragged Seokjin.

"Oh well I didn’t know that at his age he was intellectually mature to write, genius or not,” Hyosang commented.

"At his age? Hyosang how old do you think you are? Namjoon is turning nineteen like us."

Something strange happened then. Hyosang tripped over his feet and would have crashed with his face to the ground if Seokjin, who was now trained thanks to Namjoon, had not grabbed his arm forgoing the incident.

"Jinnie you are kidding, right?"

"What kidding! Are you all right? Did you catch the flu? Have you been partying too much?"

"Oh Seokjin you don’t know!"

"Know what?" he asked slightly annoyed.

"Nothing. Just kidding. I was just teasing,” Hyosang replied nervously.

Seokjin had a horrible sensation.

"Hyosang what is it that I don’t know. Tell me,” Seokjin came up trying to sound authoritative, but his cousin shook his head

"No you're right. I'm rambling. Yesterday, I drank too much.”

"But yesterday you were with your soulmate.” Hyosang then tried wriggling out of his grasp but Seokjin stopped him.

"Speak!" exclaimed Seokjin, startling the passersby who stopped smiling. He did not care, Seokjin hadn’t felt so angry in years.
"Jin, I’m not the right person to tell you. Ask Namjoon. Ask your father."

"What about Namjoon? Hyosang, you are my cousin. Whatever it is you have to tell me. You know you owe me a favor!"

It was true. Many years before Seokjin had covered for his cousin when he had destroyed a car. His cousin was indebted with him for life.

Hyosang turned pale and he looked like the last person on earth that wanted to talk about that and he probably was.

Finally he sighed and said.

"Seokjin have you ever wondered why I call Namjoon your baby soulmate? I thought you knew and that's why I did it!” Seokjin continued to look at him, puzzled. "Christ Jin, you know when is his birthday but you don’t know how old is he? What kind of soulmate are you?"

"Hyosang do not tease me now!" Seokjin shouted, alarmed.

"Have you ever wondered why things between you and Namjoon go so slowly whereas my soulmate and I are already living together? I thought you were the smart one! "

"I do not understand"

"When you and Namjoon did the introduction, the family probably kept it hidden. I should have known that you would not have agreed. Your introduction was sudden because it should not have happened. It should have happened in three years. At a time when both the soulmates would come of age. But now I get it, it was obvious that the family wanted to influence Namjoon’s choices, since he is so smart."

"Hyosang please!" Seokjin felt short of breath.

"At the time, Namjoon wasn’t legal. In three days it will be his sixteenth birthday.”

Seokjin released the sleeve of his cousin and stepped back until he hit the wall. He desperately looked into his cousin eyes looking for a veil of laughter but there wasn’t one. It was all true.
It could not be, he told himself, they could not. His family, the Kims had made an illegal introduction.

Namjoon was just fifteen. God.

Why had his soulmate never said a word? What other secrets he was keeping hidden?