Warning:unbetad.
Well this was unfortunate. I went overseas for three weaks on vacation and during that time I tried hard to write down the interlude and send it to my beta. Unfortunately the chapter was lost, and never arrived, but me and her only found out recently (she was busy beta reading the namjin chapter of Behind the scenes) and this is why the chapters' schedule got messed up (sobbing). She is currently finishing beta reading this same interlude but I coudn't wait anymore or stand the thought of making you wait any longer, so forgive me if I put out the chapter unbetad, I will upload the fixed chapter once is ready. The new chapters of jikook with the grand finale are mostly done and I just have to send them to my beta (ugly sobbing again, there's a piece of my heart in there) and well, what else can I say? Enjoy this chapter and let me know. There are some surprises, you know me ;)
 

 

 

 

 

 

Love is a lie (part2)

 

 

Everything was fine. Everything was fantastic.

Everything looked perfect when everyone works hard to make it look like it.

Seokjin stared at his own reflection in the mirror. The family members of the Kim family were required to attend formal gatherings and parties with the elite, mostly old and important people that liked to meet to discuss politics and informal agreements. In Seokjin's humble those parties were just an opportunity to exchange rumors and juicy gossip. If Seokjin had somehow managed to escape the most boring ones when he was younger, after the formal introduction the family had recommended, more like silently imposed, for him to attend more events. His parents insisted it was a way to get used to them in view of his and Namjoon’s debut as the couple heir of the Kims.

That meant even his soul mate had to come. Seokjin tore his gaze from the mirror. He couldn’t stand his own reflection.

Namjoon, who was barely sixteen.

He had tried. Seokjin had tried to corner Namjoon and ask him why he had lied and when he was going to tell him the truth if he ever had the intention to tell him. But every time he looked the younger in the eyes, he just couldn’t ask. So he kept looking at him from the distance waiting for a word. A sign. It was tearing them both apart. Because Seokjin couldn’t bring himself to touch or even address Namjoon like he used to, and every ing minute that passed, with the truth being kept hidden, Seokjin was reminded how their love was a lie. Based on false assumptions. Over silence. He was his soul mate, goddammit. He would have forgiven him in the blink of the eye, however, neither of them said a thing.

Namjoon had noticed, but even if he had found odd the behavior of the other, he had decided to not intervene, hoping it was only a transition phase. It was no longer so.

A knock came from the door.

“Yes, come in.”

“Jin, are you ready?” Namjoon asked entering his bedroom. He was all suited up, with his hair artfully done. He looked so much older Seokjin thought, as he tried so hard to not arch an eyebrow. In this game of who says the truth first Seokjin didn’t have the right to get irritated with Namjoon’s habit of missing to say the word "hyung".

“Yes. I’m coming,” the older said moving to get his blazer.

He could feel the presence of the younger being still there, he could almost picture him awkwardly standing in the threshold.

“Is there anything else?” Seokjin hated the formal tone, he hated how they were becoming all cold nods and empty words but he couldn’t help himself, he was a new adult and he was imperfect. He just knew this way to deal with problems: by putting walls to defend his trashed heart.

Namjoon looked taken aback and the older still scolded himself.

“I… Jin is everything alright?”

Seokjin almost swayed.

“Yes. I’m fine.”

“is there anything you would like to tell me?” Ah. Seokjin tried so hard to not glare, flames threatening to burn his chest.

“No. Do you?” Seokjin asked coldly.

“No,” Namjoon said gripping tightly the knob. It was everything wrong, so wrong.

“Then we’ll see each other at dinner. Go fix your hair you have a strand out of place,” the older replied trying to smile. It was fake and he had lied because Namjoon’s hair was perfect but he needed him out of there. He couldn’t breathe.

“Ah yes. I’m going. See you later.”

“Yeah.” Seokjin murmured. When Namjoon exited the room his face fell.

Don’t cry, don’t you dare cry.

He loved Namjoon. He loved Namjoon so much. He wanted to squeeze him, kiss him, whisper sweet words, but every time he took a step forward he thought about the lies and he stopped. He stayed there for a while, trying to regain some composure because he had an important dinner and he was a Kim, hence he wasn’t supposed to make his feelings obvious to the world.

After a while, someone came to fetch him. Seokjin let himself being guided to the car.

A month before he would have gone into the same car with Namjoon, but he was afraid to face him and so he went into another one.

The cars left them near the entrance. They both went out and automatically searched each other because they were a Kim couple they couldn’t exactly be seen separated. Namjoon waited for Seokjin to step out of his car offering his arm. The older linked their arms together and for a moment it was like the lie was not there, like they were just numbers two crazily in love with each other. Seokjin oh so wished it could be so simple.

The dinner as expected was full of boring people. It was the second party Namjoon attended, he looked less nervous than the first time but he looked equally intimidated. Seokjin stood by his side, it was his role as a Kim but it was also because he didn’t want to leave him alone. He reminded Namjoon the names of the people he was not familiar with, trying to jungle them through that sea of people and spare the younger the most poisonous types. Namjoon smiled at him showing his dimpled smile, the first warm smile in days, maybe even weeks.

Old good habits came back every time they got to spend time together. He would still put in the younger’s plate olives because he knew he loved them. He would still make sure Namjoon didn’t trip over the nonexistent crease of the floor. While Namjoon would make sure to distract Seokjin with silly jokes and comments.

“Sorry, Joonie I know it’s hard. We have to endure this just one hour more and then we can get out of here.”

“It’s not that bad actually.”

“Really?” Seokjin asked smiling a bit.

“So maybe I can talk to second consul Park if you feel so positive.”

Namjoon laughed. Second consul Park was infamous for being insufferable.

“it’s not so bad. You are calling me Joonie again.” Seokjin froze.

“Namjoon.” He said pained.

“I shouldn’t have told you that. Now you are going to stop.” Seokjin was spared the reply by the arrival of second consul Park and his wife.

“Oh our young heirs, Kim Seokjin and Kim Namjoon, isn’t it? We heard marvelous things about you two. Above all about you, Namjoon.”

They both straightened their backs and put on a smile.

“Second consul Park, it’s such a pleasure to meet you here. I want to take this opportunity to compliment you for your last achievement.” Both he and Namjoon bowed slightly.

“You always had such beautiful manners young Seokjin. But let’s talk about your number one. We are so eager to know him better.”

Namjoon cleared his throat.

“Mr. and Mrs. Park, nice to meet you. I beg you to pardon my manners if you find them lacking. Seokjin is so much more gracious than me. I tend to be a bit clumsy.”

“Like all the genius brains.” Commented consul Park smiling. Namjoon bowed again.

“There’s no need to be humble, young man, I read your essay about the sociological dynamics about zeroes and twos. It was so enlightening. And let’s not talk about your observations about the algorithm of world two. You have a brilliant future ahead of you Kim Namjoon. Actually, I can’t think who got luckier if you to inherit the Kim name or the Kims to have someone like you. That sure was bloody struck of luck.” Then like he had said something really funny consul Park laughed.

Seokjin tried his best to keep the smile. He hated Mr. Park. The Kim family and the Park family held respectively the position of first and second consul. World two was baseda upon a consular system, first and second consul worked together with the sentry to rule the country. The Kim family were the first consul, had been the first consul for three generations. It was no mystery that the Park family had been scheming to acquire the first consul position for while. Having someone of the level of Namjoon as first consul consort would make the task even more difficult.

“If I can say consul Park, Seokjin is amazing himself. It’s not only about me.” Namjoon said sternly.

“Of course, he is a Kim after all, I couldn’t expect anything less. But you Kim Namjoon. You are the real one of a kind.” Seokjin felt like punching him in the face. He knew he had never been brilliant not to the family standard and he had been reminded of that all his life because he was too soft, too compliant, not enough sharp. Yet he tried his best and he accepted his limits: he was going to become a lawyer and be a Kim and that was it. He didn’t care about being the first consul or just stay in the family background and before Namjoon came alone he was pretty sure the family had considered giving a chance to Hyosang. Even if he was a wild card he was more promising but then it came Namjoon and Seokjin was given the Kim heir title. Of course Seokjin had done some considerations about that but to address the topic like that. They could try and step over him he could hold his ground but making feel the younger like a guinea pig it was unacceptable. But just as he was about to talk his mind to the second consul, Namjoon said.

“They could say I’m biased because he’s my number one. But honestly, I never found someone more a good man than Kim Seokjin. I admire him a lot. Now if you excuse us, I think our cousin is calling us.” And like they had agreed to it beforehand they moved in synchrony towards Hyosang who wasn’t actually calling them but was, in fact, being engrossed with his phone (probably typing with his soul mate who had a birthday to attend somewhere else).

Seokjin flopped down in the seat next to his cousin trying his best to not sigh too loudly and maintain his composure. He was already so tired.

Namjoon sat beside him silently. Seokjin didn't’ know what to tell him, on one hand, his heart was swelling because of his words. On the other, sometimes he couldn’t help but think like the second consul was right. He felt the warmness of Namjoon’s shoulder bumping into his. They were a mess this was honestly a mess but somehow they always managed to come out strong when they were together. Seokjin was reminded once again no matter the circumstances, his love for his soul mate was bigger than a continent.

“I guess the second consul is nice as always. You have to forgive him Jinnie. He wants to be promoted to the first position since forever but with us Kims being there for three generations is going to take him a miracle to achieve that.” Hyosang said gleefully glancing at them.

Seokjin sighed.

“I just. Sometimes I wish people would see us as an actual person, not just a Kim. It’s exhausting.” Seokjin said towards Hyosang. He felt Namjoon squeeze his hand. It was the first touch in basically weeks. The older couldn’t help a smile forming on his lips.

“I feel you, but we are who we are. At least we have our soul mates.” Hyosang commented winking at Namjoon.

Soekjin’s smile wavered a bit. A waiter passed by them with a tray full of champagne glasses. He didn’t want to get drunk but if he had to resist another hour there he needed alcohol in his system. He stopped the waiter with a gentle nod of his head and the waiter graciously handed him the glass.

He took it and brought it to his lips.

The waiter offered a glass to Hyosang who refused, and to his soul mate, who took one too.

All those days being careful, trying to wait for Namjoon to speak to him. It was funny realizing how easy it was to slip.

“No alcohol for you Joonie, you are still.” He stopped mid-sentence, too shocked by his own words.

Namjoon froze too, understanding immediately what he was about to say. The waiter was still there waiting but his cousin dismissed him quickly.

The air had turned icy and Seokjin didn’t know know what to do, what to say. He stared at Namjoon, meeting his panicked gaze.

“If you can excuse me. I need air.” He heard himself saying.

Without further ado he stood up and marched out of there. He didn’t know where to, everywhere was fine as long as it wasn’t near his soul mate.

A weight landed harshly on his chest realizing how sad it made him even formulating that thought.

Once in the hallway, he ran till he found a balcony and fresh air. He opened the glass door and finally he was in the cool air of the night.

“Seokjin,” came a voice some seconds later. He heard a labored breath. by Namjoon had to run after him.

“Earlier, what were you going to say?” Namjoon asked clearing his throat.

Seokjin tightened his grip on the balcony unable to turn.

“Nothing. Forget it. I just needed some fresh air. Maybe I shouldn’t have drank champagne, I’m a light weight.”He said but his voice sounded strange even to his own ears.

“Please Seokjin, tell me.”

Then something dark, something he didn’t know he was harboring lashed out of his chest. Because his soul mate, his number one, the person he had loved since his eyes had landed on him was still playing pretend.

“It’ Seokjin hyung, to you.” He growled turning.

Namjoon didn’t react but he went visibly pale.

Nobody spoke for a while.

“Were you ever going to tell me.”

Still silence.

“You are my soul mate and I’m yours. Of course I think it’s mostly my family fault but why did you have to lie to me?” Seokjin asked.

Namjoon stared at his feet then said.

“Your family asked us not to say anything since I’m smart enough to be in your same class. I’ve started to consider myself older long ago too, that’s why I didn’t protest. They asked and we didn’t think to say no. I’m sorry.”

“You are sorry? I can expect this from my family, they’ve been bullting me with what being a Kim should be since I was three, but not from you! Why you never mentioned it in private?” Seokjin said getting angry by the minute because Namjoon wasn’t looking at him.

“They asked and I couldn’t say no.”

“Why?”

“Because they asked!” Namjoon exclaimed looking finally into his eyes.“Don’t you dare leave this on me because it’s not my fault. You don’t know your family. You don’t know how is my family with them, how the fact that I’m engaged to the Kim heir had affected them. They asked me and I did as they so gently demanded. Was I happy? Of course not! You were nice and every time you treated me like your peer something inside me broke to pieces, but consider my position Seokjin hyung. I didn’t have much of a choice.”

Seokjin seemed taken aback suddenly not so sure anymore. “I know my family can be rather bossy but now you are talking like you did a lot of things they wanted you to do but you rather wouldn’t.”

Namjoon didn’t reply to that and Seokjin felt his blood turn cold.

He had said it with sarcasm but it felt like he had actually touched a nerve he didn’t know it was there.

“I’m sorry if I lied to you. Now please let’ go inside. Or let’ s go back to the Kim resident if you prefer.” The younger pleaded. Namjoon had been living under their roof since his birthday but he still was calling their place the Kim residence and never home. Seokjin understood, it was hard to feel at home after you spent all your life with your family, but suddenly it felt like that word had another meaning.

Soekjin took some steps towards him, getting closer, so close he could touch him without even have to lift his arm.

“Namjoon. Why does it feel like you didn’t even want to be here?” Seokjin whispered. And he asked that because the other question, the one he wanted to actually ask, was trashing his heart to pieces.

“Seokjin, hyung, let’s go.” The other pleaded one more time.

“Why.” He murmured. Seokjin felt hypnotized he felt so close so close to the truth that even if his body screamed it wasn’t a good idea, he still went with it.

Namjoon had to retreat back, till his back collided with the wall, Seokjin basically caging him with his presence.

“For once just tell me the truth. I think I deserve to know,” the older said. He was being forceful he was being cruel but he couldn’t let it go.

Namjoon’s facial features twisted.

“Because I don’t want to be here.” He said.

Seokjin felt like being trespassed from part to part.

“They came to my house, gathered us in the kitchen and gave us this long speech about me being the soul mate of the Kim heir. And my family felt so honored, they were so happy but I couldn’t. I felt the noose around my neck tightening on my throat and all my hopes all my dreams got destroyed. Because I was going to be a Kim too and that would definitively cut out whatever I’ve been fantasizing to do with my life. I was so ing angry, so angry but the Kims were happy, my family was happy so who cared if I wasn’t. Why me, why? I wanted to pursue music but they enrolled me into economics. I was skeptic about the soul mate system, wanting instead a life for myself, but here I was tied to the most desired number two in the country. I was taken away from my house and affections and I could do nothing about it. Then I met you, my soul mate, when all my life I doubted about them. But you were nice, you were so kind and even when you ignored that your happiness had cost my dreams, yet I couldn’t hate you but neither I could be happy. So please let’s go home. Let’s forget of this. My feelings in the big picture are not so important.” Namjoon said with such a resignation in his voice it hurt every fiber of Seokjin’s body.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Joonie. I never knew, never, if I could do anything to make it all better.” Seokjin’s voice started to waver, suddenly the words of the second consul echoing in his head. How Namjoon was so conveniently tied to his family.

Too good to be truth. Too good to be a coincidence.

Why does it feel like you don’t want to be with me?

He felt his lungs constricting, like he didn’t have enough air to breathe.

Yet he wasn’t the one hurting there.

It’s this house, this name that is suffocating all of us. It’s me.

“Seokjin!” Namjoon said alarmed by his labored breath. He was having a panic attack.

Namjoon seemed terrified because he didn’t know what to do.

“I loved you since the first time I saw you.” Seokjin managed to say, like that could fix it all when it was evident that it couldn’t. Then he went into hyperventilation and he out.

 

 

 

 

Seokjin blinked a couple of times. He felt a strange mix of rested and exhausted. Then a minute later the memories of the night before came back to him. He felt himself being ripped all over again but he didn’t want to go into hyperventilation one more time so he forced himself to calm down. He probably had scared Namjoon to death. The thought of the younger made his heart clench. The thing was, he could stand for his heart, for his person, to be stepped all over. He had accepted this because he was a Kim and not the most peculiar member. But he could not accept this same destiny for Namjoon. When Seokjin’s eyes had landed eyes on him he had fallen in love at first sight and then his love cemented as he started to get to know the younger better. When he discovered Namjoon’s real age his anger came mostly from the sense of betrayal he felt in discovering his soul mate had been lying to him. It was a sentiment he was sadly familiar with but he knew his family methods or so he had thought. He had anticipated his soul mate so much because he knew it was going to be the only pure bond he could ever hope to have under that roof. So that was why he got angry when he discovered Namjoon had lied to him. However his anger had been misplaced, it had been the Kim family fault all along. He sighed. He had things to do. He checked the clock on the night stand. It was early so maybe his father was still there and he needed to talk to him. He forced himself out of the bed, threw some clothes on and went to look for him.

On his ways the housekeepers tried to stop him, apparently, the doctor had said he needed to rest but Seokjin ignored them.

“Your soul mate had made arrangements to be called as soon as you woke up, you should wait in your room for him.” That was definitely an incentive to continue with his plan instead. He didn’t want to see Namjoon if not after he had cleared out things with his father.

“Is my father still in this house?”

Yes, he is his study room but he gave instructions to not disturb him”

“Thank you,” Seokjin said. He stomped towards the direction of his father’s study not hesitating in opening the door without even knocking.

When he finally stepped in, he found himself panting. He forced himself once again to calm down. His father was there seated on his desk. He was still checking some documents like his son barging inside like a storm wasn’t something to be fazed of.

“Good morning son, hope you are feeling better. You gave the poor Namjoon a heart attack yesterday,” his father commented casually.

“We have to talk,” Seokjin said not even bothering with manners, it wasn’t the time for those. He needed answers.

“What would you like to talk about that it can’t wait a more appropriate moment?” His father asked still rather calm but not dismissive. Seokjin took the hint and closed the door. But didn’t make any move to get closer. He didn’t want to sit down in front of him and let his father take control of the situation like he always did.

“well, father I don’t know where to begin with. Maybe from the fact that my soul mate is underage, or from the fact that our introduction was illegal. Oh, who knows maybe from you forcing my soul mate to do things he doesn’t want to. Or that how you conveniently forgot to mention any of those topics to me.” Seokjin said trying to sound serious to not let his emotions take over him because his father was a master in this kind of matters but that was one those discussion he so bloody wanted to win even though he had never won once with his father.

The latter put aside the documents with a calm Seokjin always found irritating.

“You know the answers to these questions son. Yes, Namjoon was 15 when we did the introduction. Yes, we knew you wouldn’t take it so well, you are so easily impressionable and so we thought it would be convenient for all of us for you to never found out or at least find out later. As for forcing your soul mate, I don’t know what you are talking about. He is a Kim now. You know very well what that entails.” His father said arching an eyebrow.

“Of course. How could I forget. But he is my soul mate, so everything is concerning him, it concerns me as well.” Seokjin said harshly.

His father demeanor changed.

“You clearly don’t see the bigger picture here, something I always found so lacking of you. Fortune comes and fortune goes son, one moment we are at the highest peak the other one we are at the lowest point. Namjoon is a blessing for this family, he would lead the Kim family forward.” Like you cannot. Even if he had stated it couldn’t possibly be more explicit. They could step all over him but not over Namjoon.

“I don’t give a .”

“Kim Seokjin! Language!”

“No, for once you are going to listen to me! I can accept your critics, your stupid standards your decisions about my future because I was born in this family but he was not. I don’t give a if he has a QI of 200. If he wants to dance tip tap as far as I know he can do it. And he will.”

“You are just an ungrateful brat. You are so used to the luxury this family has always given you that you don’t understand how things can easily change. We found for you the best suitable partner the world could offer you. That should be enough for you to never dare to complain!” His father said dropping his calm facade. It was like being slapped in the face.

“What…?” Seokjin felt his knees wobble. What the heck was he implying?

“Come, sit down. Or you are going to feel bad again and that would scare your mother to death.” His father said sighing. But Seokjin couldn't, his heart was frozen like his body.

“Look Seokjin, we were lucky. So lucky. Namjoon could benefit this family so much, can benefit you so much. And you love him, right? I know you love him and he surely loves you. See? Everything fits wonderfully. So please stop thinking illogical things. We are who we are and we are the Kims. We have to carry on our duties.” His father said.

“Stop it. Stop it I beg you! Just how deep the corruption of this family runs? I knew we weren’t saints but what you are implying...” Seokjin wanted to cry, wanted to escape to the other part of the world and never hear those words again. We found the best suitable partner.

“Seokjin, son. Everything will be fine.”

Seokjin bit his lip hard. He had to hold his ground, be strong and not because he was a Kim but for himself and for Namjoon’ s happiness.

“I...is he even my actual soul mate?”

“He is here so of course he is your soul mate.”

Seokjin felt like he didn’t have a beating heart anymore, like would never have a beating heart anymore.

“Please son take a sit and calm down a bit. You are over thinking this. Come here look, you can see the documents of the soul mate assignment if you want,” his father said taking out some papers from his desk.

Seokjin trembled like a leaf. In that moment he decided.

He turned back and exited the room.

 

 

 

 

“Jin. Now you are being cruel. He is just a kid after all.” If Hyosang his cousin had felt the necessity to use such harsh words, it was probably true. Seokjin sighed sipping absentminded from his bubble tea. They were in a coffee shop at their university and he had managed to avoid his soul mate successfully for a solid week. It was a coward move from his part but he felt so fragile, so destroyed inside for all the facts he suspected, that he needed a little bit of time to try and put his pieces back together enough to face Namjoon with a normal face. Possibly without blacking out in front of him again.

“I’ll talk to him later,” Seokjin promised. Namjoon had barged into his room some time that day but the older had already prepared a bag and asked their chauffeur to take him as soon as possible towards his cousin mansion, who cared if he was still wearing his pajama.

Namjoon had tried to contact him then but when it was evident Seokjin didn’t want to talk, he gave up, probably guessing he needed time.

The older felt so ashamed of himself, he was the eldest yet it was Namjoon who was acting like the adult. He was just sixteen and he had so much on his shoulders, the legacy of the Kims, the mess that was Seokjin’s persona. Seokjin wanted to put his hands in his hair and scream, everything just to scare away that obscene voice in his head that kept saying how much he loved and how much it was this fact that was making the younger miserable. It hurt, it hurt so much.

But he needed to take back some control. He needed to do it for Namjoon.

It took him a while to gather his courage but eventually he went back to his house. Everybody seemed unfazed by his absence the staff greeting him as always. Somewhere in there his mother and his father were doing their things. For the first time, he was glad that house was gigantic enough for him to not have to see their faces.

He waited after dinner before deciding to tiptoe towards the outhouse, the part of the house the Kims had given to Namjoon. Now Seokjin understood why they didn’t put them together, obviously a request of Namjoon’s family since he was so young.

The door of Namjoon’s bedroom was slightly open, the light was dim, the only source being the nightstand lamp on the right side of the bed. He was seated cross-legged and he had a book opened in his lap but he wasn’t reading it, he was scribbling some notes in the margins so focused that he didn’t notice Seokjin’s presence at first.

Seokjin smiled sadly. Namjoon was writing lyrics, one of the things he loved to do that he was going to have to give up.

“Seokjin!” Namjoon exclaimed when he noticed him in the threshold. Then like he remembered something he hastily added a “hyung.” It felt so foreign to his ears but he didn’t correct him even if it pained him hearing the truth from his lips. However, if they were going to do things the right way they had to start to call things with their right names.

So he tried his hardest not to flinch and went towards him seating in the other part of his bed.

“Were you busy? Am I disturbing you?”

“Of course not. How are you feeling hyung? Better?” Namjoon asked concerned.

“I’m ok.” Seokjin decided to say. A least physically, he thought. The younger tried to touch his arm reassuringly but the older couldn’t help but flinch. Namjoon retreated his hand, looking hurt. Seokjin felt so guilty but he couldn’t bring himself to touch him, given the circumstances.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I could eat back my words, hyung. Really. They came out so badly, I’m always so bad at expressing myself with words which is ridiculous for someone who had dreamed of doing music. Sorry, I’m blabbering. I just wanted to apologize to you, I.”

“You don’t need to be sorry Joonie. For what you feel.” Seokjin said in his kindest tone. This urge, it came this urge from all his love for Namjoon, this urge to protect him, to shield him from everything, even himself.

“I’m sorry too. Not for blacking out of course but for having been avoiding you.” Seokjin admitted.

“I thought you were doing so and I knew it was my fault. You don’t know how much I am sorry.” The older put a finger over his mouth to shush him. It felt intimate it was out of impulse and Namjoon looked surprised, as much as Seokjin felt, but at least he stopped apologizing. Seokjin retreated his hand quickly.

“We could talk forever about our circumstances, about our words about who is more at fault, but I don’t want to. Because we know the situation, do we? So from now on let’s not hide things from each other anymore, no matter how awful or bad we think they are. Maybe this is far from heaven but at least we can have a healthy relationship and be honest with each other.”

Namjoon looked at him weirdly like he wanted to ask him something, like there was something at the tip of his tongue.

“Ok.” He said after a while. “Let’s be honest with each other, I like that.”

“That means you are going to call me hyung from now on,” Seokjin said.

“It’s fine with me, hyung.” Namjoon replied slightly chuckling.

“Great!” Seokjin said smiling a bit. “So since we started the era of honesty, tell this hyung about your lyrics, and what would you like to do with them.”

The younger looked taken aback. “I know what you do to with those margins Namjoon, you told me yourself. To think you are the one with the super memory and the super brain.” Seokjin .

“I can be clumsy too, you know. But do you think is it really a good idea to talk about that?”

“We are allowed to talk about that. We are allowed to do that at least. To share our hopes and dreams." Seokjin said seriously, then he added. "We can do it like this if you prefer: you tell me something, I'll tell you something else in return.”

“Deal!” Namjoon said excitedly like a puppy. He looked so young. Seokjin smiled. He had to protect him.

He’s here so he is your soul mate.

There were so many implications in those words and each of them pained him deeply, but since Namjoon was there and he was his soul mate then Seokjin would take care of him. Even if the younger didn’t feel for him not even a tiny bit of what the older felt, Seokjin still loved him like day one and in his book Namjoon would always be the only soul mate he would ever wish to have and he would work hard to try and make him happy. Whatever it would take to make him so.

“Hyung do you listen to hip hop?” Namjoon asked then excitedly.

 

 

 

 

For a while, it had been bearable. Almost nice.

They didn’t share affection, not in the form of goodnight kisses because Namjoon’s words weighted too much on Seokjin heart for him to try to force his feelings on the younger. But they shared secrets, they shared their hopes and their dreams. They managed to bond over secrets whispered in the nights and feelings confessed in the secrecy of forgotten hallways. They got better, to the point that Namjoon had felt comfortable enough with him to ask him to go watch one of his gigs.

“Don’t expect too much of me hyung. I just started a couple of years ago” He had said nervous but giddy.

“I bet you’ll do well.”Seokjin had replied meaning every word. Namjoon had nodded halting a moment, like he wanted to touch him but didn’t dare to do so. In the end, they just smiled at each other. The younger had looked so happy back stage but nothing could have prepared him to the wonders it was Kim Namjon on a stage. He could finally see those wonderful lyrics come to life.

Of course he still had room to improvement because nobody was born already knowing everything but to Seokjin, Namjoon had looked nothing but perfect.

I wish you could do this forever, I wish you could be this happy always. But then again the fact that Seokjin was in his life was preventing for that destiny to happen.

It was after that night that the older had started volunteering in a community center of numbers zero. He loved him so much, so much that knowing all the implications was drowning him bit by bit but he couldn’t drown he couldn’t, because he had to be whole to be able to support the younger and protect him.

I love you and since I can’t love you like I would like to then I will love you like you let me.

Seokjin had always been more open-minded than his family members. He never had anything against numbers zero. They did nothing bad to him and so he didn’t harbor hard feelings towards them. He just wasn’t interested in the whole ordeal numbers two against numbers zero, it was like something that happened at the periphery of his world so far that it could never touch him. So he didn’t pay them any mind.

Destiny was funny. It makes you re think your positions, sometimes the more you are blind the more violent are the methods chosen. Because only now, only now that he was heartbroken Seokjin got it. He watched numbers zero and got it. He felt their loneliness as his own, their unrequited love like he was the one feeling it and it was in fact like that. Because Namjoon indeed cared for him but he didn’t love him. In the end, what made him so different from someone who was destined to not have a soul mate? He had one yet everything was wrong. So he asked around until he found a community center willing to accept the help of a number two, because like the director said, the community center was not formed by numbers but just by people. Seokjin felt better when he was there, a place where he could be just Seokjin a broken hearted 20 years old hopelessly in love. And that, that, the numbers zero could understand so well.

Namjoon from time to time would come help him when his packed schedule would allow him to. He never asked why Seokjin did it and the older never told him, but it was nice. Maybe their story would never be made of fireworks but it would be full of respect and mutual understanding. Seokjin tried to convince himself it was enough at least until he found a better solution.

When Namjoon turned 17 though, and he was in his second year of economics, things became awfully hectic. The little restraint the Kims had had when Namjoon was till sixteen flew over the window. They demanded their presence to more events and Seokjin’s father would more often than not call Namjoon to work with him, giving him assignments and making him know important people. Seokjin had tried to dissuade his father even going to the extent to beg his mother. He tried so hard to excel in hi studies in hope his father would take him instead of Namjoon, but to no avail.

At some point, Namjoon had stopped writing in the margins of his books. Seokjin realized it because he picked the habit to check them, always amazed by the beautiful words written by the younger. Till he found no more. The worst thing though, was watching Namjoon's spirit deteriorate bit by bit, like a ghost wondering those cold hallways of that giant mansion.

“Hyosang, please tell me what should I do?” Begged Seokjin one afternoon after coming home just to find out that his father had yet again demanded Namjoon’s presence.

He is my soul mate. He is supposed to be my soul mate, not some kind of rare beast to showcase.

“Jin you don’t have much of a choice, neither of us has. We are trapped inside this golden cage but we are still trapped. It’s not like you can stop being a Kim.” He said.

Seokjin covered his face with his hands.

That night he had waited for the younger in his bedroom. He didn’t do it often because he tried so hard to put some boundaries between them, in order to never make him feel suffocated, god knew if his family was doing a great job with that.

He needed to see him, find out if he was well.

Namjoon stumbled in his room exhausted, his hair tousled and necktie in his hand. He looked up.

“Hyung,” he said trying to smile. There were no dimples on his cheeks and his eyes were empty. Seokjin then did something he stopped doing long before. He moved towards him and shyly hugged him. The younger let him almost leaning into the touch.

“I bet you are tired. But what do you think if we talk a bit? It’s been a while since we talked about our dreams.”

“Do we still have those?” Namjoon asked bitterly.

“Of course we have them. I have a new dream by the way. Have I ever told you I want to try photography?”

“Hyung.” Namjon whispered tiredly like he knew that was just futile, like he knew that was just something to cover the ugliness of their reality. But there was something in Seokjin’s face (love, it was love), that in the end convinced him to go along with it.

“Ok. Ok, tell me.” Seokjin led him to his bed he made him laid down and started to talk about his day how he went to help the director at the community center, how he attended by chance a lesson of photography and how much he had liked it. Namjoon fell asleep lulled by his voice.

He was pale and he had shadows under his eyes, he looked like the memory of the young man he was once introduced to.

Seokjin bit his lip hard. He had promised himself that day with his father. And it was to love the younger ad protect him but he was failing miserably. They were going under they were going under and it was going to get worse until even the last of their hopes would die.

I damned you. Namjoon I damned you. I’m sorry, so sorry.

But it wasn’t the time to cry. It wasn’t the time to cry because maybe there was one thing he could do to free them both. Even if it meant not being a Kim anymore.

 

 

 

 

“Uncle. We have to talk.”

 

 

 

 

Seokjin had just taken with him a luggage. He had taken with him only the things he had bought with his own money. When he had stepped out of what he used to call home he made sure to leave everything behind. He cried the first couple of days then he realized he had just wasted precious time he could had spent by looking for a job and he sobered up. His cousin would have gladly helped him but Seokjin refused. He managed to land a job as a dishwasher in a restaurant and somehow survived. The shifts were awful but they gave him a ty room where to sleep and a roof over his head, it was good enough. He avoided every channel of communication exchanging his expensive phone in favor of something more cheap and less flashy and above all with no internet connection.

After a month of awful shifts, one day one of the waiters got sick and since he had manners and a good face the owner asked him to go in the front. From that day on he remained in that position. Being a waiter paid better mostly because of the tips and surprisingly Seokjin was good with that. He was able to move from his ty room to a one room apartment soon after.

It was a start. Sometimes when he stopped enough to think, he wondered how were the people he left behind, above all, he wondered if Namjoon was healthy and happy. If it was so then everything he went trough had been worth it.

It was cold and it was his day off and Seokjin had all the intentions to pass the whole day lazing around and doing absolutely nothing. Maybe he could read some books he borrowed from the public library. Or do some stroll down town. His bed looked more tempting, though.

But whatever plans he had were interrupted by some knocks on his door. Startled because nobody ever knocked on his door, Seokjin put on his slippers and went to open it.

And there in the threshold of his ty apartment with two big bags on his feet stood Namjoon.

He looked messier that he had ever seen him but also more carefree and more smiley.

“what the heck are you doing here?” Seokjin asked, shocked.

The younger chuckled then.

“ I think it’s obvious hyung.” Namjoon said indicating his bags. “I’m here to stay.”

He smiled then. His dimple smile.

He had cried only the first couple of days because he had to be strong. So why, why he felt the urge to cry now? Namjoon didn’t wait for a reply, he made him step back, entered the apartment with his bags, tossed those somewhere and without hesitation, his arms went to hold him tight.

“Don’t you dare to ever let me behind again Jinnie.” He said like, calling him like he used to call him when he was 16 and Seokjin 19 and they thought everything it was possible

Seokjin hugged him back. Inhaling his scent drinking in his presence because he had missed him so much, he had been missing him for years. His soul mate.

“I...”

“Don’t do it again. Never.”

“Ok.”

I want to love you I want to protect you so much that not even my fall should matter if it means your happiness.