00.10

Looking back on that day of many years ago, Jimin recognized how difficult it had been to leave Min Yoongi behind.

They had met when they were freshmen, had been happily together for three years, and had succeeded into painfully drag their relationship for almost two more (they failed miserably). And even when the reasons of happiness became increasingly rare until they became memories of something that could not be fixed, Jimin had resolved to leave only a lot later, after Yoongi had emptied what was left of his illusions.

It had seemed the end of the world then. It had seemed as if Jimin couldn’t breath anymore, as if there was no longer a heart under his ribcages, as if he would never, ever, be able to function properly again.

Because for years, Yoongi had been his only reason for everything.

It wasn’t the end of the world though, the world had moved on, he had moved on. Putting one foot after the other, walking forward became gradually easier and before he know Jimin was back to running.

When he recalled that period, Jimin couldn’t help but have mixed feelings and a bit of regret. He would have wanted to know what he knew now, he would have liked for the young Jimin to be able to love himself more.

Sometimes you love, and you have to move on. His best friend told him. Seokjin was by side during all his bad and happy times as the good friend he was. In light of what Namjoon told him, Jimin told himself that perhaps he had given to Seokjin less credit than what he had deserved. Because all the times in which Seokjin had said ‘I understand’, it had been true.

Anyway, Min Yoongi was a closed chapter of his life. There were no recurring dreams, no silly hopes or inappropriate desires. Day after day Yoongi had disappeared from the life of Jimin.
It was a relief.

The only weak link that remained with that person was Namjoon, who was still working closely with Yoongi. Yet their relationship was far from being able to get under the term of friendship. Yoongi after all, in his way had disappointed a lot of people. Fortunately, their paths had crossed rarely and always had been chance encounters without consequences.

Therefore Jimin really did not understand why Min Yoongi had to bother now. Now that he was not included even in the most insignificant of his thoughts.

“Jimin." and Jimin reluctantly forced himself to turn around.

Yoongi had returned to his natural color, a very dark brown that contrasted a lot with his fair complexion. It didn’t look like he was expecting a reply from Jimin, but in any case he threw away the cigarette and approached him with his usual sluggish pace. Jimin wondered idly if he had taken up smoking or if, in fact, he had never stopped.

“Jimin, how are you? Need help?” Yoongi was in front of him, his hands in his pocket talking with his usual low voice, like it weren’t years since they last talked. Jimin tried to catch his breath. When he found himself running, more an impulse than a premeditated plan, Jimin was headed in this direction driven by the desire to talk to Seokjin, certainly not to Yoongi. But, in fact, now that the damage was done, maybe it was worth to take advantage of this opportunity. Yoongi would be able to make him skip the reception in an instant.

"Hi, I was wondering if Seokjin was still here,” Jimin casually asked. As soon as the question left his mouth, he realized that it would have been enough to simply make a call to get this information, but given the events of that day maybe he could be excused. If Yoongi had thought the same thing or if wondered why Jimin was right there, he didn’t let it show on his face and he just arched his eyebrow.

"Seokjin is done with the work. If you need, I can take you to him,” Yoongi proposed.

Jimin hesitated for a moment. He couldn’t care less about Yoongi but he was afraid to disturb Seokjin and to seem inopportune.

"Seokjin has really finished. Let's go,” Yoongi said as if trying to reassure him.

Jimin tried to go beyond the sense of unease and followed him. Yoongi still seemed able to read him like a book but Jimin, after all, had never been able to hide any emotion. Whatever he felt, it was reflected on his face.

Jimin shrugged and followed Yoongi inside the building.

The receptionist did not even flinch at the sight of Jimin and let them pass undisturbed. Jimin vaguely remembered that Yoongi was a big boss in there. They walked along the corridors and then took the elevator to the second floor. Jimin told himself that, after all, that was not the most unnerving ride that day. Then he remembered how Jungkook had squeezed briefly his hand inside a lift, and his heart skipped a beat.

He remembered very well the look Jungkook gave him, and maybe he did not read everything there was to read. Maybe there was despair in there and he had just left Jungkook alone with it.
Jimin sighed, sad.

Only then did he realize that Yoongi had been staring at him. Jimin shrugged. When the elevator finally stopped Jimin was quick to come out because he could not deny the fact that Yoongi made him uneasy.

Yoongi looked away and without a word led him to another hall, Jimin wondered how long they would have to walk when at last he found himself in front of Seokjin.

Seokjin seemed very surprised to see him. He looked exhausted but recovered quickly as soon as he saw Jimin. A long time before, Seokjin would have known immediately in which direction to glare; toward Yoongi. But it was no longer the case and the presence of Yoongi, though not welcomed, it was just a coincidence.

"Jimin you did you come here to get me? Let's go home together then!” Seokjin said with a reassuring smile as if that had been the plan for the day. Jimin, who had a lot of things to tell him, suddenly found himself speechless. It seemed that seeing Seokjin made the things more real. Namjoon had told their story to Jimin, the latter had really done what he had done and Jungkook asked him to leave.

Jimin then just nodded, gave a slight nod to Yoongi and followed Seokjin all the way back. All the energy used to get there finally seemed to have deserted him and Jimin didn’t want to have a mental break down in front of Min Yoongi.

"Want to talk about it?" asked Seokjin once they left the building and they were safely seated in his car.

Jimin sank into the seat.

"Not now hyung." Jimin said exhausted.

"All right. Now let's go home, you’ll stay for dinner and for the night. " Seokjin said and Jimin did not protest.

Because the thought of Jungkook deciding to leave Jimin behind terrified him.

Because he realized only now, meeting Yoongi and thinking about what he used to be for him and what he no longer was, had confirmed that perhaps, without realizing and since that first meeting, he had felt something for Jungkook. Something that he thought he had buried years ago.

Throughout the weekend his mind was an awful mess.

He had stayed in his apartment for a whole day and then unable to bear the silence, he had rushed to Taehyung and Hoseok’s.

"I do not want to come here and be consoled by you every time,” Jungkook had said to both, seeing how Taehyung was trying the impossible to cheer him up and how Hoseok had decided to cook his favorite dish.

He felt a useless burden. He was 23 but he was still unable to look after himself, and whenever he encountered some difficulties he ran to them, forced to use the two as his emotional crutch.

"Don’t be silly. Our door is always open for you Jungkook,” Hoseok said with finality. Taehyung just nodded and Jungkook knew at that moment that he had probably found the best friends that could exist.

"Jimin couldn’t know that your parents were there! And he told you that he wanted to talk about it before,” Taehyung commented after they had eaten a hot meal and Jungkook had felt able to tell the tale without bursting.

"I know. And as I said to him, I can understand. But Taehyung…” Jungkook stopped, unable to breath.

"Okay Jungkook. It's all right," interjected Hoseok who seemed to have sensed Jungkook was in trouble. Jungkook bit his lip as he let the words of Hoseok comfort him. Because if anyone knew what it meant sacrificing a dream for the need, that was Jung Hoseok.

Jungkook didn’t add another word.

He felt he had a lot of things to say and yet even in front of the people he cared the most, he couldn’t open himself.

Because Taehyung and Hoseok had their happiness and it was not their fault that they could not understand Jungkook. A little voice in his head suggested that perhaps this was also the case with Jimin but Jungkook ignored it.

Promise me. Jimin had said and had seemed so urgent that Jungkook had answered without hesitation.

Jungkook had not maintained that promise.

In the end, he decided to stay at his friends’ until Monday. He wanted to do more for them like taking care of the meals but he was more dangerous than Taehyung in a kitchen and so Jungkook merely kept everything in order. Neither Taehyung, nor Hoseok, seemed bothered by his presence.

"Love makes us do strange things," Taehyung whispered that evening as they were lying on the same bed. Hoseok had the night shift and would not return until the next morning so Jungkook and Taehyung decided to share a bed as they did as children when Taehyung remained for a sleep over after a day spent playing video games and having fun.

"But here love has nothing to do,” Jungkook whispered back.

"Mmm" had answered half asleep Taehyung.

Tuesday morning saw Jungkook take his things and go home.

Jungkook tried to maintain a semblance of normality trying to perform the tasks of the day as if that night didn’t expect him the dance lesson. Jungkook did not know if he should go because he probably would find Jimin and did not know if he was ready to face him and remember what had happened. His dream of freedom was costing him so much. He walked up and down his house before taking a resolution. Then by an impulse he took his bag and went out.

Jungkook arrived on time. He felt like a weight in his stomach but he still entered the building. Jimin wasn’t there waiting for him and Jungkook unconsciously looked around as if expecting to find it hidden in some corner. Instead there was Seokjin finally returned to the reception desk.
Jugnkook had expected a cold look since he had been hard on Jimin. After all Seokjin was his best friend and looked like the kind of person who always lined up and in any case on the side of those who he loved.

"Hello Jungkook,” he instead greeted him with a smile. Jungkook tried to greet him normally.

"Jimin is already inside," he said, as if reading his mind.

"Thank you," replied Jungkook. Was it that obvious? Jimin was the last person he wanted to see but nonetheless he had come as if there was a gravitational force pulling him in. It was not only his love for dancing, he had lived without dancing for years now, yet he seemed unable to live without a proper answer.

He had analyzed every piece of their conversation and Jimin had seemed so fragile. He had decided their future, it was true, but now Jungkook pretended to know why. If there was a fund of malice in his intent, because the betrayal still stung, or if he really believed that was the solution.

"Because it's too hard to live this life of ours." Jimin said. Looking into his eyes, Jungkook hoped to understand.

Jungkook entered the classroom when the room was already full.

The boys were scattered around the rooms talking to each other as if there was no problem in the world and perhaps for them it was so. While Jungkook’s world was crushing down other people was smiling. Jungkook looked around and there in a corner adjusting his shoelaces, there was Jimin.
Jungkook dropped his bag on the ground and as if he was called by a command Jimin looked up at him.
Jungkook felt his blood boil in his veins. And looking him in the eyes he finally admitted to himself, it wasn’t Park Jimin's fault if they lived under those circumstances and this true, hurt more.

Jungkook quickly turned his head and retired in his corner, waiting for the beginning of the lesson.
He religiously followed the instructions of the teacher and for the hour and a half of lessons, he did not stop ever. He was glad in a way to have started to dance again. Dancing had been his favorite activity but also his emotional outlet during his adolescent years. If he concentrated on the steps, on how to make a move as smooth as possible, his mind emptied and he forgot his pains.

Jimin didn’t attempt to approach him throughout the lesson.

Jungkook knew he kept an eye on him but their gazes never crossed and he could hear the others whispering because it had never happened that the two didn’t speak to each other. They had come together and in those little square meters they had been all along each other’s shoulder. They were partners.

Sweat dripped from his temples when the teacher finally signaled the end.

Jungkook had his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. He heard the teacher say something but he didn’t know what, his head was elsewhere. He told himself that if he wanted to know what the hell was going through Jimin’s head that was his opportunity. But neither he nor Jimin tried to get closer. Jungkook went to get the bag he had left in a corner as the students one by one came out of the courtroom until he heard no more noise.

For a moment he thought he was alone, but then he felt someone breathing not far from him and he knew that Jimin had stayed behind.

"I'm sorry,” Jimin said brokenly. Jungkook clenched his fists but did not turn around. "I should have told you right away, but I wanted to be more sure about it and then we no longer had time. Please believe me. I didn’t want to hurt you. I know we haven't known each other for long and you probably can’t believe me. I also know that we had different feelings about this. But I would never try to impose mine on the others. Besides, I care for you. A lot.”

Feelings? Care? Jungkook slightly turned his head to look.

"I don’t need your apology," said Jungkook and the words came out of his mouth bitter and tasteless. "Because you promised something that wasn’t in your right to promise." Jungkook said, turning for real this time, Jimin looked directly into his eyes.

"Even so, even if the possibilities end up being against us, I promise that I'll think of something else, I will find another solution!" Jimin said, taking a few steps in the direction of Jungkook.

"Why bother? Weren’t you the one that wanted a partner no matter what? Congratulations you’ll have what you want!” Jungkook said harshly.

"It’s true, I wanted someone by my side. What's wrong with that? I have my desires too! Not everyone is as strong as you are and I will not apologize for how I feel, you told me not to! I had to try Jungkook, I had to! And if I'm right…"

"But don’t you understand?" Shouted Jungkook. "I'd found a solution!” Jimin froze in his spot.

“They treat us as if we were the filth of something that would be perfect if it weren’t for us. They despise us, use us, humiliate us, and even if by some miracle finally we fall in love, they belittle our feelings as if those were nothing! Each zero has experienced this I have and you too!” said Jungkook and Jimin knew that what he was referring to.

"I'm not heartless hyung, I also wanted to love but it hurts too much to hope for something we cannot have, they won’t let us have. So I decided one thing, one thing only and it was living for myself and being able to would have been my pride and my purpose! But they are taking away that from me, and it’s not fair. It's not ing fair!” at some point Jungkook had started trembling and everything he had kept hidden in the innermost of his being was finally coming out and he could not do anything about it.

Years of pain anger, fear and despair. Because he thought he could live forever lulling himself in his life project. He had repeated to himself to be strong so hard and for so long that he had ended up believing it.

But he was not.

In the end, the only difference between him and Jimin was that the latter was at least more honest with himself.

He clenched his fists, and looked down. He did not want to burst in that stupid classroom of that stupid club with that stupid, stupid Jimin.

Yet when he felt arms tighten around him Jungkook didn’t reject him, his knees buckled and they ruined together on the ground. Because he had fought for too much long the weight of loneliness and wanted to finally let go.

Even though he was crashing down in front of Jimin or perhaps because it was him.

And it was ridiculous because Jungkook was taller than Jimin by at least a head but it was Jungkook who had his head buried in the crook of his neck, he was the one who clung to his shirt like his life depended on it.

"Everything will be fine. I promise it'll be fine.” Jimin whispered crying silently as he hugged him tight. Jungkook let him. Let him rock them back and forth and let Jimin kiss him gently on his temple one, two, three times.

Jimin understood him. Jimin had endured his hardships with a smile on his face he had fought and even when defeated he had learned. To respect the others and to be honest with himself.

And despite the ugliness of their sad existence, he was still determined to do something and more than that he never stopped trying to love.

Even someone so broken as Jungkook.

Yoongi had no good reason for being there.

He did not know how he got his address. No, maybe that he knew. It had been easy to eavesdrop on the conversations of Namjoon and Seokjin, and Jimin, after all, was a creature of habit. He moved into a new apartment right after the break up, when it had seemed obvious that none of them would ever have set foot back in the apartment they had shared, and since then he had never moved.
Why now? Was it possible that after all these years Yoongi could still be weak in front of a distressed Jimin?

The one who made him suffer more than anyone was you, though.

It was true, Yoongi did took responsibility. Yet somehow he had hoped someone could understand how difficult it had been for him. He never asked to love twice.

After it was over Yoongi had promised himself to not look after him no matter what and it wasn’t difficult since he was busy with his marriage and his job. Besides Seokjin had sworn to terminate him if only he dared.

He had seen Jimin only a few times, he had found him fine and healthy. But Yoongi used to be the person Jimin told his secrets. He knew every nook of his heart and it took him a glance to realize that Jimin was different.

Jimin moved on with his life and his heart was no longer Yoongi’s. As hypnotized instead of returning home, he deviated from his way. He parked in front of Jimin’s house, that seemed empty, and decided to wait, for what even he didn’t know. He lit a cigarette and began to think about how their story ended.

Author's note: This is it. Once again let's cry together (I promise, I will write more jikook fluff in the next chapter to try and make it even).