I ran back to my room, not bothering to care if the maids or butlers were concerned. Because I could hear Junmyeon calling after me from behind, that was the last thing I needed. I took off my heels and kept on running, wiping my tears as I did so. 

" Irene ! " he called after me desperately. " Come back ! "

" Go away ! " I tried not to sound like I was choking. " Stop following me, please ! "

It felt like running from eternity, I flung myself into the room and slammed the door shut. I leaned against the door, letting the tears pour down. They tasted salty in my mouth, and excrutiating, like I was spreading salt onto a wound in my heart. Junmyeon was still outside my bedroom, knocking harder than the last. I knew he was worried, I just ran off without a word or answer. 

" Irene, open the door ! " he said urgently. " What's wrong ? " 

I pursed my lips, " Leave me alone, Junmyeon. " 

" I won't leave you alone like this ! " he said urgently. " You can't just leave without finishing a sentence ! You haven't given me an answer yet ! "

I shook my head, my fingers scraping the fabric of my dress. " You don't understand, Junmyeon. Just leave me alone ! I don't want to hurt you ! Please, just go away ! I need to be on my own tonight. "

It took a while for him to end his reasoning and door knocking, but he eventually left without a word. After that, I didn't have the energy to even move away from the door. I crouched there like a little vulnerable child, and cried like there was no tomorrow. I almost thought there really was no tomorrow, actually. 

I couldn't admit my feelings for Junmyeon, because it would destory him in the process. This was like I was stranded on crossroads, and I was already lost and wanted to give up so badly. I didn't know what to do. Kris thought it would be so easy, he wasn't going to be the one to gamble his feelings in a tug of war. I was the one who would put my heart on the line.

I bit my lip so hard it bleeded, the copper taste stinging. Honestly, I wanted to make my whole body go numb. Just drift away and to forget any of this disaster ever happened. And there was only one way to it...

I looked at my hideous self in the bathroom mirror, my makeup partly washed out, mascara smudged around my eyes. I opened the cabinet and took out the sleeping pills and shoved down three tablets down. I splashed my face with tap water, it didn't seem to help much. I didn't even bother to change out of my clothes, I was already partly unconscious by the time I landed into my bed.

And I started to drift away...

I wander the exact same hallway, those gigantic pillars towering over me. The heavenly music drifting into my ear, pulling me close like deadly sirens. I was determined to get to that pool of wonderlust. It was a sickening desire, but I wanted it so badly.

I was still wearing my greyish dress, but I was barefoot. I could almost believe it wasn't a dream, and I was really there. This time it seemed real, and I was on my way to paradise. 

And there was the gigantic pool of mist and heavenly water, accompanied by symphonies and alluding choirs. I stepped into the pool, the water was nice and soothing. I even considered not wanting to wake up from this dream, if I was somehow already sure it was my choice. I just sat there without doing anything, then he was there.

" Junmyeon ? " I asked breathlessly, my heart skipping a beat.

He turned around, and grinned at me. " There you are. " he said.

" How- why are you here ? " 

He walked over to me, and leaned closer to me. " Then why are you here, Irene ? "

I shook my head, " I don't know..."

He chuckled and pinched my cheek a little, " Um, this is our home, Irene. Stop with the jokes, dear. "

I was confused, at the same time reassured. " Our home ? "

He nodded, " We made a promise, to have a happily ever after. "

I was speechless, " I-I supposed we did. I was scared I'd lose you, Junmyeon. " and I fell into his embrace.

" Shh, you'll never lose me. " he assured. " Now, I think we need to finish where we started. " and he leaned closer to kiss me.

That kiss felt like nothing ever before, this was perfect. I had no worries, no more fear of anything. It was just the untangible gap between us, inside the haven that was ours. I could just live in this wonderful dream forever and not wake up, because things were perfect here than it was in reality.

" Wakey wakey..." Junmyeon whispered to me suddenly, in a not so comforting tone. " Joohyun ? "

My eyes snapped open, and dread replaced my temporary joy. It wasn't Junmyeon I was holding.

" Nooooo ! "

The Infected had pale, awful leathery skin, fangs as long as its talons. It looked just as hideous as the very first time I saw it in the flash attack hitting the city, it was something I'd give anything to unsee. 

And there it was just screeching at me non-stop, I tried not to scream but the sight of it was gory. I kicked it away with all my might, it flung itself across the room and it hit the wall. It didn't take long for the Infected to recover from it, and it screeched at me yet again. 

I scrambled out of the pool, and started running again. Now my fake dream paradise was turning into an infernal hell, the walls were no longer sheer white marble, it was now covered in blood and the tiles were dirty, like in a mental institution. I could hear the Infected coming after me, it's distorted body chasing from behind. 

I wiped my tears as I did so, but it was no use. I kept running, zipping past dark hallways. I wasn't joking, I could hear voices at every corner even when there was no one there. Voices in pain, excrutiating pain, some losing their minds and trying to drag me along into their insanity. This was the cry of the people who were becoming Infected. 

" It hurtsssss ! " one voice wailed in pain. " Pleaseeeee ! Make it stop !!!!!! "

I tried ignoring it, and reached an exit, but the door was locked. Then I turned around, the Infected was right there. Cold sweat was trickling all over me, a waterfall of nausea taking over. I had no choice and turned another left, and I was in somewhere different now. 

It looked like an old prison, that was unused. It was quiet, I guessed I was the only one there. So with trembling fear, I walked through it. Then out of nowhere, a hand propelled itself at me from the bars, and yanked my hair. I screamed, thinking it was the Infected that caught me...

" Oh sweety ......" the woman hummed. " Let mommy give you kiss..."

" No ! " I shrieked, and choked. " Please-please, let me go. "

Her long, dirty fingernail traced my face, her horrible breath stinging to my nose. " Tell me, why did you let me die ? "

I sniffled, " I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I should've come to save you..."

" Ah, you still can save me. " she chuckled. " Replace me, and turn into that ! " she forced me to look at the Infected that wasn't far behind. 

" No ! " I forced myself out of her grasp and I continued my escape.

" Come back ! You ungrateful little girl !!! " she screamed from her cellar. " You'll pay ! "

I just didn't know what to do, and I was hardly thinking straight. I just dived into whatever exit there was, not caring if it was another dead end. I just wanted to get away from whatever that was after me.

I finally couldn't take it anymore, and fell to the ground. I was weeping, and I wanted to give up so badly. The ray of light was on me, and the two very things that I feared most now surrounded me. 

" Why did you leave us to die ? " my ' mother ' hissed. " Why Joohyun ? "

I shook my head, " It wasn't my fault, I swear ! "

" You didn't save us, Joohyun ! " the Infected, Jungmo screeched at me. " Tell us why !!!!! "

I cried even louder, " No, I'm sorry..."

" YOU WILL PAY ! "

I screamed awake from the nightmare, and this was the first time I was suffocating. I crawled out of bed, I was dying. This was suicide, I couldn't take that nightmare any longer. I didn't want to see any more of that, and I was grateful I woke up. But I didn't want to resume it as soon as I closed my eyes later. The sleeping pills were supposed to work...

Why weren't they working ?!

I was going insane, I needed to sleep without anymore inner pain. What I needed was something that could permanently stop dreams, not even the good ones... I took out the rest of the pills in the bottle, and I swallowed down every last bit of it. I could feel my heart banging, and not in a good way. I even hit my own chest, just to silence that forsaken beating like a sledgehammer.

" Stop it ! Just stop ! " I snapped at myself, I was going out of my mind.

I went rabid and started filling the huge bathtub with water, if I couldn't live in my dreams, I might as well relive it in real life. My heartbeat was starting to calm down a bit, and it was getting slower by the second. I changed into my nightgown, and crawled into the tub. I was sure I looked miserable, but I didn't care. All I wanted was to silence myself, cut away that voice in my head.

Erase myself.

Slowly my thought were slurring, getting more sleepy. That was exactly what I wanted, I wanted to end this. 

No more nightmares...

No more fake havens....

No more decision making...

I wanted to lose myself....