~~~~~

The wedding venue was filled with few relatives and important executive members but nonetheless it was small scale as Jongin’s father wanted. It was his wish to keep the ceremony private and out of media affairs. The old man, although having become painfully sickly the last few days, managed to attend in his automatic wheelchair with a pastel gray face. At the two large dome doors alongside Hunmi and Jongin they welcomed guests together – of many whom were all from the groom’s side.

Namjoo did not expect Kyung or Joohwan to attend. When asked of her brother she’d lied that he was busy with work and could not make it. Luckily it had ended at that. The disappointment on her mother’s face left her no pity.

As she sat alone in the large dressing room staring at the bleak wall she was less mesmerized with the wedding dress than she had expected. All of a sudden many emotional thoughts rushed through her mindset. A strange battle between her conscience and her greed, something she should have had long before.

Everything was shaping out the way she wanted it from the very beginning. This felt like a God sent dream come true. It was working too well for her. As she sat there waiting for the signal to walk – they had decided she would walk the aisle alone since Jongin’s father was not well enough to do it with her – she felt her feet become cold in the hundred dollar heels they’d purchased specifically for her.

When she first chanced upon Jongin dollar bills popped up all over her head. It had been all she’d seen. He was a charming guy with the looks and money – all that she really needed. For someone who knew not a thing about relationships or love she’d courageously jumped into one with him after declaring her feelings to him – her empty feelings of affection. In truth, she’d never liked him, even in the moment when she confessed she did.

Sometimes, it felt like she’d been into an abyss just spinning and spinning without control. No control over the weight of her feet, her limbs, or her train of thoughts. Everything well marked out in her head disappeared through the gaps of her fingers by the day. Until she was weightless and unable to coherently depict what she was really doing anymore. She was just merely floating along this train of events that had somehow been set into motion.

Maybe it did have to do with the fact that she always felt alone. When Joohwan attended school she labored by herself, had to venture out into the adult world forced to put a brave face on despite how scared she’d been on the inside. Always masking her innermost feelings, unable to share her deepest feelings with anyone because she didn’t want the younger brother to feel guilty and give up what he had to toil with her. In a way, she figured, she had always lived a lie.

It had always been so dark until Jongin came to see her everyday with that smile on his face, talking to her on the phone constantly, and wanting her attention. It made her feel good because when she went to him he attended her needs in turn. His warmth filled up every hole her heart harbored. Somehow it just worked that way so mechanically perfectly.

In just a few minutes she would be saying, “I do,” but something about it made her feel anxious. She didn’t love him wholeheartedly and was unsure she could. Kyung was right. She was lying both to herself and to Jongin. After she crossed that red carpet she would have to commit the rest of her life to him.

She would forever live with a guilt and a truth.

She could feel it on her head, on her shoulders, the heavyweight of her conscience; the guilt for pulling this lie and knowing how disappointed Joohwan would be when he discovered it. That she hadn’t married for love but for financial stability just because she yearned for a life without worrying about how much the next batch of food would cost, how she would go about saving for rent, in what way she would stay warm in the harsh winter, whether old clothes needed mending but she would need a new sewing kit. It was always money after money and it exhausted her all the way down to her bones.           

The golden side to everything was the magic Jongin proved true. When she thought deeper about it, she also didn’t want to give Jongin up. He was her lucky card in everything.

Her heart nearly jumped out when there was a knock at the door. Was it time to go already?

She glanced toward the tall door and watched Kyung poke his head in. He was dressed formally in a suit with his hair slicked back. A smile nearly climbed onto her face relieved and suddenly realized how happy she was to see him. Today she had really wanted someone to be there for her.  

“Hey,” he greeted awkwardly stepping toward her. Clasping his hands together he bit his lower lip nervously. “Wow…” he breathed. “You’re really beautiful today.”

Namjoo smiled, touched, and patted the empty space beside her. “Want to sit?”

Without further question he quietly joined her and glanced at her dress in awe. Then he looked at her with eyes lit with some sort of mellow happiness. “I thought…you would at least need someone today. So I’m here.”

“Thanks Kyung.” She meant it. “I was feeling nervous.”

“Nervous, you?” he asked as if she’d just spat some joke. “You came this far for this purpose. What’s there to be nervous about?”

“I’m sorry,” turning away she lowered her head.

“For what?” he asked.

“Just because…”

“Don’t say that. It’ll make me feel worse than I already am,” Kyung said, his voice soft. “I always thought if I hung on a little more, it would be me waiting for you today out there. I guess watching you go after something that you believe will make you happy is a kind of love too. I told you I’m grown up.” his smile inched wider. “As long as he doesn’t ill treat you, be happy Namjoo. I really wish everything goes well for you. Honestly. Just know that if there’s ever anything, I’m always here for you.”

It dawned on her even more that she was saying goodbye to everything. From today on she would become someone different. She would be someone’s person, someone’s wife, and someone’s partner to cherish.

Touched and crushed, she squeezed his hand with tears in her eyes before leaning over to hug him. He was all she did have beside her only family, Joohwan, and she was so grateful in all ways.  

~~~~~

Among the heads of about 50 others she could see Kyung sitting at the far right watching her with a beaming smile after the piano started playing a classic tune and everyone rose to watch her enter. Her mother – Jongin’s mother had put her all into arranging the guest list, the venue, the dress, the catering, and the cake without any sleep that week while simultaneously looking after energetic Jaegeun and the sick father. Right now the decorations, the guests watching, and what stood in the future didn’t matter. It was such a glorifying thing to experience, standing there at the front with Jongin while the pastor gave his speech beside them.

As their eyes met and Jongin smiled at her bliss twirled around them like ribbons drawing their hearts closer together. In that moment everyone watching disappeared. The only one she could see was the man who was going to become her faithful husband, who would share with her sadness, pain and tears, joy and happiness. And it was an amazing thing to realize. From now until forever they would stand side by side.

Jongin would no longer feel alone because he had her and she had him. There was nothing that could be any more meaningful than that.

After the exchange of rings that would allow them to call each other husband and wife and they sealed their marriage with the kiss, Namjoo felt butterflies explode inside her stomach. Tears unknowingly burst when Jongin declared, “I love you,” before embracing her.

Applause broke out around them and Namjoo thought things could only get better, but the second they returned home Jongin’s father collapsed. He died in the ER two hours later.

~~~~~

They immediately spent the night and next several days mourning. Namjoo had to frequently serve food and learn how funeral rites processed while Jongin, alone, greeted and thanked guests for coming. Her mother had to juggle chores tiredly because she knew nothing and because guests wanted to continuously give her their condolences.

Jongin’s eyes grew dimmer by the day as he bowed and shook hands, completing the same ritual of respect to the elders. Sometimes after mourning hours and visitors left, Namjoo would clean up and wipe down tables alone. Although accustomed to exhaustion she felt wore down to the bones. Even then, she could not say anything.

She would peek into the room to find Jongin sitting in the corner like an abandoned puppy with his head down. It was a depressing sight difficult to bear. Most often she decided to give him his personal space to grieve while she returned to sit in the cafeteria alone.

They burned and placed Jongin’s father’s ashes into an expensive ceramic urn and stored it in a Columbarium the following week. Grief was a heavy shadow that followed Jongin’s family home. The utter silence of walking into what felt like an empty home was not what Namjoo had expected to experience after getting married. It was a stranger thing to realize that her mother had lost another husband again.

Life and fate had strange ways of working. She had left her troubled past to step into a troubled future.

After a quiet meal with young Jaegeun asking where his grandpa was Namjoo spent over an hour cleaning and doing dishes before calling it a night. This time Jongin was no longer at his desk studying for class. The graduate was set to stand in the CEO’s seat the day after tomorrow. Namjoo wasn’t sure how Jongin would survive through it after losing his only biological parent, and within such short time.

Jongin was lying in bed appearing asleep. She felt a deep sympathy for him. To be constantly grieving a loss right after a wedding had been completely uncalled for. Unfair to them. Without saying anything Namjoo quietly grabbed her change of clothes and went in for a wash. After climbing into bed for some much needed sleep she awoke after some five minutes due to Jongin tossing and turning beside her.

“What’s wrong?” she asked drowsily pulling herself out of her sleep state.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” his voice cracked due to his dry throat from hours of crying.

“You can’t sleep?” she wondered turning to face him.

“I’m trying. Go back to sleep.”

“Come here,” she shifted closer and extended her arm. Doing as told Jongin moved toward her and once his head touched her arm she pulled him nearer, cradling his head between her shoulder and neck. Slightly turning her body she folded her free arm around him rhythmically patting his arm to comfort him. Jongin naturally snuggled against her.

Imagining the pain he was going through made her heart throb. It wouldn’t be any easier for him now than it would be for her.

His hand touched her mid-back to hold her in turn and when his breathing softened she said, “Back when I was younger, my brother sometimes couldn’t sleep at night, so I sang for him.”

For a long portion of the night Namjoo sang quietly, her melodic voice pushing back the shadows of darkness until she didn’t know when she fell asleep.

~~~~~

“You’re up?” his mother greeted when he sat down at the table in the kitchen the next morning. Scooping some soup into a bowl she placed it down in front of him. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine, mom. I should be asking you.” Jongin grabbed the spoon his mother handed him but didn’t reach for the food.

“Your father has always been a good friend to me. We were never in that kind of relationship. He always loved your mother, you know,” she heaved a sigh as she sat down across from him. “I have to admit that it does feel quieter without him.”

Jongin soaked in the fact and looked at her, “I know.”

“I’m sorry, Jongin. Your father did love you very much. I hope you know that.”

“Kind of strange, huh?” Jongin asked, depressed. “Even when he wasn’t around, you’d still know he would walk through the door at some hour of the day. Now, you’ll never see him coming through the door or expect to hear his loud voice yelling from down the hall. It just feels like he totally disappeared.”

She reached over to touch his hand, “Oh, Jongin, it’s ok to be sad. Why don’t you ask for more time before starting work? You’re still in mourning. How can they expect you to perform at your best like this?”

“I’m ok, mom, really,” he assured even when he wasn’t quite confident about it. “Plus, it’s what father would want instead of having me without anything to do. I want to do this for him.” After sipping the soup he commented, “It’s delicious, mom. Do you mind getting me another bowl? I want to bring it to Namjoo. It’d be nice if she could relax today.”

“Of course,” she immediately agreed, “she’s worked very hard the past few days. Let her get some rest.”

Midway through downing his bowl he asked, “Mom, would you like it if you had some help around the house? Someone to keep you company?” When she turned to peer at him questionably he went on, “I can tell Namjoo to quit her job to stay home and help watch Jaegeun. That way it won’t be so stressful for you.”

For some reason she appeared conflicted rather than excited at the suggestion that she wouldn’t have to juggle household chores and babysitting alone anymore.

“Maybe you should talk to Namjoo first. I wouldn’t want her to feel uncomfortable with me,” his mother gently explained. “But of course, I would love that.”

~~~~~

Namjoo was still deep asleep when he returned to their bedroom. Setting the tray with of food onto his desk he crept onto the bed, leaning forward on his hands to sneak a peek at her. She looked so calm and in peace he felt happiness flitter through him. It was such an exuberant feeling to experience and know that they had found each other somehow through the crowd of thousands. It was simply amazing.

Crawling forward cautiously he leaned down to place a peck on her cheek. “Morning, sleepy. Wake up and eat.”

sleepily Namjoo rubbed her eyes to wake herself up then glanced up at him. Abruptly pushing him out of the way she jolted up. “Shoot! What time is it?”

He laughed appalled, bouncing in the spot beside her. “It’s only nine. Not that late.”

Sighing, she ran a hand up her face before flopping back down. “That’s right. I don’t work today.”

He peered down at her feeling blessed to have her here with him. Namjoo’s eyes slithered away from his gaze turning bashful before she turned and pulled herself up. “I…I’ll go brush my teeth.” He listened to the door close and lay down beside her empty spot running a hand over the warmth left behind.

That day his father made him promise not to regret this marriage. He was certain he wouldn’t. Even if times became desperately difficult he would use his all to keep the marriage together. Namjoo would put forth the same amount of effort. He believed she would.

Sitting up he got off the bed to make sure the food was still warm and carefully shifted the tray away from the dust flowing in from the window. Namjoo walked out a few seconds later and smiled at him.

Taking a seat on the bed she patted the area beside her and called out, “Come here.”

Jongin slightly raised a brow, wondering what she had to say before sitting down beside her. His pulse jaggedly increased in rate when she sandwiched his face between her hands and closely observed him.

“Your eye bags are still dark, your skin is dry; you obviously aren’t fully rested. Why are you up so early?” she asked.

A smile sprang onto his face, “I slept well thanks to someone.”

The beautiful smile that shone in turn made him fall even harder.

“Are you ok?” she wondered withdrawing her hands from his face. “I know it hasn’t been easy for you.”

His eager smile turned soft and turned solemn before wrapping his arms around her to pull her closer. Burying his head against her neck he said, “I’m not ok.”

Much needed comfort drifted through his entire whole when Namjoo raked her hand up his back to hold him. Softly gliding a hand up through his hair she leaned against him.

“My father and I were never close, but he’s still my father,” Jongin spoke. “I might not have agreed with his ways but he always did everything while thinking about me. He was never around, even when I needed him but he always provided me with everything I needed, always made sure I got the best. And if not for him, I wouldn’t be here with you. As long as you’re here with me, I can do it.”

“We’ll get through this together,” Namjoo agreed patting his back. Withdrawing, she gazed into his eyes and her thumb across his cheek affectionately. “So, husband, where’s my breakfast?”

He broke out into a short laugh before saying, “Wait here.” then slipped off the bed to carry the tray over and set it down in front of her. “Hopefully it’s still warm. Mom just made it.”

He caught how Namjoo slightly hesitated and peered into her expression concerned whether the food was to her liking.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Nothing,” she quickly excused and slowly lifted the broth up to . She hesitated again sending him into deeper confusion with why she was acting so. Namjoo didn’t glance at him or anywhere else in those few seconds before lifting the soup as if it was poison to her lips and gulped it down. The pending seconds of her quietness made him somehow weary.

Jongin watched in utter surprise as her lips trembled before her eyes welled up and a tear escaped before she wiped it away like she was ashamed.