~~~~~

It was vague in memory, the argument two years ago that fatefully ended what they’d had. Remembering why Namjoo walked out on him was an even greater task than scheming to get her to move back.

Jongin leaned forward to rustle his hair between both hands frustrated. Had it been the heat of the moment that sent Namjoo packing her suitcase that night? He seriously couldn’t remember. What he remembered after watching Namjoo leave was standing here in this room with anger soaring through him in a way he’d never felt before. And he hadn’t cared whether she returned or not. Jongin regretted that. He should have cared, because it was the one thing that meant the most to him right now.

That night if he’d gone after Namjoo right after she left they probably wouldn’t be here constantly arguing. Lifting his head up from his hands he listened for Namjoo. Wherever she’d gone it didn’t seem like she planned on coming back. He’d eaten a lone lunch and dinner hoping Namjoo would return to eat with him, even if they were to eat in silence it was better than not having her.

If only he hadn’t been so hasty talking to her this morning then she wouldn’t have walked out on him. Why had he bothered opening his mouth when he clearly knew it was the only trigger that would have her walking out on him?

Heaving a sigh he droned over their conversation that morning. He’d told her he loved her, and he meant it from the bottom of his heart even though it probably didn’t come out that way. Last night affirmed his feelings for her again. He loved her more than anything. Namjoo was his alone.

Jongin’s brain lit up. Two years ago he’d asked Namjoo why she had married him. Money she had said. That was right. It wasn’t him but money she wanted, and it had driven him toward the edge of sanity. He had liked her so much he would have been willing to sell his soul to the devil if she asked. It hadn’t been him but an object Namjoo had wanted to gain. Jongin had felt betrayed.

And that was why he hated her…

The front door opened and closed and he slowly stood up from his desk. He was sure now that after that Namjoo hadn’t said a word to him, instead she’d chosen to walk out on him. Groaning underneath his breath Jongin brushed his hand up through his hair.

He was such a fool! How stupid could he be?!

Was it really those words that had Namjoo walking on ice around him? Had those words hurt her so much even to this day? Was that why Namjoo didn’t want to be with him?

Jongin had to find out. If it was…he had to tell her it wasn’t true at all.

Walking out from around his desk he sped down the hallway slowing in his steps when he saw Namjoo sitting on the couch with her back to him, appearing relaxed and unconcerned. He smelled Chinese food flowing off her clothes. So she’d eaten before coming back to avoid eating with him. The fact plundered a part of him.

When he neared he noticed that she had a thick book on her lap. She looked so absorbed that she didn’t even notice him. If she did, she was probably ignoring him like usual. Finally reaching the seat adjacent to her courageously Jongin sat down and watched her quietly scan the page before flipping it over.

Never before had he seen Namjoo reading. This was quite a controversial sight for him and would take some time getting used to. He’d never known her to be a bookworm and he’d never seen a book lying around in her hostel. Reading made her look smart and cunning, he liked it.

“Namjoo,” her name rolled off his tongue naturally, “can you put that away for a second?”

She didn’t reply but waited it out for some twenty seconds before marking the page she was on and set it down onto the coffee table. An air of fragility drifted overhead. Jongin very much wanted to fold her into his arms and hold her for the remaining hours of the day. They were farther apart after having come together these few nights.

Why exactly was it like this?

“Where did you go?” he asked softly.

“I went to see Kyung.”

An arrow of jealous ferocity stabbed his guts. Remaining relaxed Jongin nodded. “When you left, I took some time to think about a few things. I realized that when we last argued two years ago, I never thought about why you packed up and left. Honestly, I assumed it was the heat of the moment because we were riled up.”

Taking a moment, he glanced up to find Namjoo quietly staring into space. No reaction at all.

Eyes remaining on her he went on, “I’ve never fallen in love before. Every girl I met was the same; they were like clones of each other, so I cared less about having a relationship as time went by. Then I met you, this cute but independent girl who bravely raised her brother instead of leaving him for a life of her own. I really respected you for that. Maybe at first I wanted someone to look after me, but I realized you needed someone to care for you more than I did. I really cared about you and I earnestly believed in you.

“If it’s possible, Namjoo, if I can still make it up to you and apologize for being rash toward you, I want to say I’m sorry for making a big deal out of a debt you had. Who cares if you took some of my money, it shouldn’t have mattered. I shouldn’t have let you leave that night, and I’m sorry I’m only regretting it now. And I’m sorry for the things I said to hurt you.” Jongin’s gaze burned into Namjoo’s somber expression. She wasn’t moving or making an effort to forgive him, but he knew she was listening intently.

“I don’t hate you. I never did,” he told. “If it’s possible, I just want to make you happy again. I want to fix every broken corner of your life, so you can smile again. I wanted to give that money your aunt stole from you and your brother back to you. That money was what your mother sent every month to clothe, school, and feed you and your brother. You deserve that money, even if it means nothing now. Believe me, Namjoo, every dime of that money was from your mother and it was for you two.

“I know it’s difficult, but if you just open your heart to your mother again I can guarantee that you won’t regret it. She’s a good mother and I know that deep down in her heart she’s never forgotten her children. Your mother has had two stages of clinical depression, Namjoo…”

Lifting her feet up onto the couch Namjoo pulled the blanket over her as she lay down. “I don’t want to hear any more. I want to sleep.”

Jongin helplessly watched her close her eyes to ignore him. Giving up he stood up and turned the lights out as he walked away.

~~~~~

Everything would have gone according to Jongin’s plan perfectly, that was if he hadn’t brought her mother up. Namjoo’s blood boiled. She wasn’t going to listen. She just didn’t want to.

Pulling the blanket over her head she closed her eyes and prayed for sleep.

That next morning she awoke to freshly steamed rice and fluffy omelet all cooked singlehandedly by Jongin. “Come eat,” he urged when she entered from the hall.

Sitting as casually as ever they ate quietly at the table with spoons and forks clinking against the plates. It was awkward, almost as if they were strangers. And it was a sad thing to sink in. They had come so far, had been with each other for less of a time than the two years they spent apart. Their relationship was so fragile that a slight tap would break the glass.

Sneaking a glance at Jongin Namjoo found that she didn’t know what to say. Was it her fault they were like this? For being too stubborn, too hardheaded, because she had stayed in the dark too long? Because she couldn’t come to peace with her own feelings for Jongin or admit it aloud?

Was being too cowardly driving a stake into her life?

Yes, her fault she supposed but how would she have the strength to talk to her mother face to face when she wasn’t mentally prepared?

“When aren’t we scared, Namjoo?” Kyung asked. “You’ve been scared of being alone your entire life, but aren’t there other things that outweigh it?”

Yes, there are so many more things out there that outweigh her fear but this agony her mother had caused her had been with her her whole life. The pain was always rippling through her blood. Forgiving wasn’t such a simple task. It was too easier said than done.

The front door opened and Jaeguen’s tiny footsteps hurried in. “We’re home!” he excitedly announced.

She wasn’t ready…

As the footsteps neared dread heightened up . Once Jaegeun ran into the dining room Namjoo dropped the spoon from her hand and exhaled calmly while closing her eyes. She could hear Jaegeun exclaiming about something he saw before her mother asked Jongin about their weekend.

Her head pounded.

“Is this all the effort you have?”

Not for anyone. Not for Kyung, Jongin, Joohwan or anyone else…but for herself…

“And I’m sorry for the things I said to hurt you. I don’t hate you. I never did.”

She still wanted a future. She did and so very much to be happy.

“Don’t stay in the dark too long. You have to believe that it will be ok.”

Clenching hands into fists she felt something explode within her. Abruptly standing up she listened to the room wade into silence. For a long second Namjoo struggled to force the word out of .

“Mom,” she quivered, “lets talk.”

~~~~~

Jongin’s eyes inched wide. His head turned as he watched Namjoo swiftly walk by. Turning back he caught his mother looking at him with eyes that held as much shock as he. All Jongin did was shrug, unsure why Namjoo wanted to talk with her. She had refused his every attempt to persuade her to forgive their mother. So what now? What was going through her head this morning?

Leaving the dishes as is after his mother walked off after Namjoo Jongin stood. He was irked with as much curiosity as anybody would. Namjoo hadn’t once talked to her mother, not before his very eyes. Today it was finally happening and he wanted to know everything, hear everything they would say because they were the two most important figures in his life.

“Come on, Jaegeun,” Jongin called. “Can you go to your room for a while?”

“Now?” Jaegeun seemingly whined. “But I just got home.”

“I’ll let you play some games in your room,” Jongin compromised.

“Really?!” his nephew’s eyes widened.

~~~~~

Anxiety threatened to suffocate her underneath its weight when she heard the door gently click shut behind her, confirming that she and her mother was now alone in the vicinity of the empty office. Namjoo’s eyes hovered above the ground then across the walls before her. Mind was on full blast, thoughts rushing in and out at top speed. Namjoo couldn’t register what she wanted to exactly do or say. Before long she was regretting what she’d done.

“Namjoo,” her mother softly called, “are you ok?”

The shadow of agony was slowly spilling out from where she’d locked it inside her. It was gut wrenching.

“No, I’m not ok.” Namjoo quietly breathed.

She wasn’t ready…had never been ready… She was in pain and the emotions were surging through her chest at top speed, faster than ever, and it hurt so utterly bad.

Biting her lower lip she forced herself to turn, “Jongin said the money aunt took was the money you sent for us.”

Thin Hunmi’s doe-like eyes sunk into hers. “It was.” She confirmed. “I did send you money.” Her face melted with regret, “Oh, Namjoo…”

“Then you should have made sure it got to us!” unable to help herself she raised her voice; the pain, the anger taking over. “If you cared, you should have made sure it got to us! If you cared, you would have come to see us! Just once!” her lower lip trembled and she uttered it again. “Just once.” before she cried and the agony boiled over.

The loneliness, the sadness, and the burdens she had been forced to bear as a young child.

“I waited – we waited,” Namjoo cried, “with that tiny hope that she would come back, but you didn’t. Do you know? When father died, who cried the hardest? You did, because he left you but why did you do the same thing to us? Joohwan and I, do you know what it’s like to be left behind again? We were alone, we were kids, mom. Where you went, we wanted to go. I keep thinking and thinking about it, why did we go there? Why did we have to rely on aunt and her family? Why couldn’t we have gone somewhere far away, just the three of us? But thinking about it didn’t change anything. And it never brought you back.”

Namjoo’s heart ached as she stared at her mother. More tears poured out of her eyes.

“Sometimes I felt it was better if I was dead, but then I thought, if I died what would our poor little Hwan do without me? It would be abandoning him again. How could I let him live like that? But it was hard. It was so hard. Even if I had to live shamelessly, even if I prayed every night for God not to take Hwan away from me that I felt so worthless. No one wanted me. No one cared. I always felt alone, even when I wasn’t. I couldn’t cry to anyone. I couldn’t talk. I just lived. I was jealous when other children had a place to call home, but how much worse did my younger brother feel? We wandered like orphans. I wanted to believe you were dead. It was better that way.

“Why do you want to be my mother now? Why do I have to call you that now? When you weren’t there for me or Hwan, why now?” bitterness swept through Namjoo. “I don’t even know you. Jongin has known you as a mother for half of his life, more than Hwan and I know you. With what right do I call you my mom?”

Namjoo’s brows twisted as she looked to her mother for an answer, but there was none to give. Exhaling loudly Namjoo turned away in a useless attempt to dry her tear soaked face with her wrist.

“If you were there when Hwan nearly died twice on me, I would crawl on my knees and admit my wrongs,” Namjoo professed, “but you weren’t. Other people can proudly say their mothers raised them, but Hwan and I can’t do that. I raised him in your place. I raised myself. We never lived like those other people. They wake up to mother’s freshly cooked breakfast, we never had that. If I could turn back time, I really want to experience that. How delicious it must be devouring a whole meal before rushing off to school. I missed that so much that when I finally ate your food, it just made me angry and I felt so sorry for Hwan. I keep thinking why am I here and not him? He would die to eat mother’s food.”

Namjoo quietly whimpered and uselessly wiped her tears again. “But I can’t, we can’t turn back time. You may not want to admit it, but you’re not our mother anymore. You’re Jongin’s mother. You’re Shinae’s mother and Jaegeun’s grandma. And that’s it. We can’t have you as our mother again. We can’t procrastinate sleep and get yelled at, wake up late to mother’s food, or rush off after saying goodbye to mother. I can no longer brag that mother taught me how to cook. Hwan can’t tell his friends that mother bought his clothes. We already lost everything we had together. We – Hwan and I – grew up without you.”

Namjoo had to take a long momentary pause to gather herself before saying, “I’m sorry that for the past two years you believed I was dead, and I let you grieve for nothing. I’m also sorry for lying that you were dead, and I’m sorry for not being a model daughter-in-law. If you ever want to see Joohwan, I won’t stop you.”

Heartbroken, Namjoo said, “Thank you for not forgetting about us all this time.”

Jongin turned when she rushed out of the room and down the hallway. Instead of resorting to the room she shared with him she pressed the door to a guest bedroom shut, slammed the lock, and sank to the floor to cry her heart out.

~~~~~

His mother nearly collapsed when he entered the room. Jongin caught her before her legs gave out on her frail body. He helped lead her toward the chair by the desk and asked if she wanted any water but she shook her head. Her expression was of despair. She was ultimately wearing her crushed heart on her face. The lonely battle of will she’d long been fighting was starting to take her away.

“I’m sorry,” were the only appropriate words Jongin could find.

Namjoo didn’t come out of the guest bedroom for lunch or dinner. She didn’t answer him when he brought food to her door. Late into the night after checking in on his frail mother Jongin finally went to bed unable to sleep. A majority of the night he spent wondering if both his mother and Namjoo were cracking under the weight of their own emotional troubles.

His thoughts dispersed when he heard footsteps down the hallway and sat up. Namjoo was finally awake.

Jongin gave it a few minutes before finally venturing out of his bedroom. The hallway lights were still off and so were the ones at the end of the hall. The entire house was nearly cloaked in darkness all except for the light in the kitchen. Halting by the entryway he peered in from the side corner he was at to find Namjoo sitting quietly at the table in the dark dining room with a bowl of food in front of her.

Pursing his lips together he approached her and sat down adjacent to her, noticing that she hadn’t yet lifted the spoon to touch her food. Her gaze was forlorn, face and eyes swollen. And he wondered if he was at fault, too, for having taken her mother from her. It was an amazing difference a mother could make in one’s life either by tearing it apart or putting it together.

“Do you…” Jongin quietly began, “want to leave for a while?”