~~~~~

Right after her wedding dress fitting that Monday Namjoo bitterly rode in the backseat with her mother back home. If she had had a choice she would have taken the housekeeper who stopped in every other day with her. Sharing the same space with this woman was nearly suffocating and made her blood boil with rage. It took all her might to remain calm and composed.

“Can you pull over to the street?” Namjoo called out to the chauffeur.

“We’re almost home. Where are you going?” her mother asked.

Namjoo ignored her and clutched onto the bag on her lap. She wasn’t planning to spend the rest of the day under the same roof as her mother. She would rather deal with the issues she needed to be dealt with before the wedding ceremony and she couldn’t lag on it any longer. If her brother and Kyung caught her, it would be the end of it.

“Namjoo, where are you going?” the woman calmly interrogated again.

“You certainly don’t need to worry about my welfare,” Namjoo coldly stated as the car came to a stop, “no mother ever has.”

Pushing the door open she stepped out and slammed the door shut in her mother’s face. Once the car disappeared down the road she hailed another cab and went in the direction of her hostel. Ever since the move with Jongin she had informed neither Joohwan nor Kyung about it. If stuff was still hanging on her door Kyung would want questions answered. Knowing that kid Namjoo was sure he’d left more than a few bags hanging there.

She was inside the hostel and riding the elevator up just several minutes later. Upon the opening of the elevator doors she hurried out and paused in her steps when she recognized Kyung standing outside her door. As if sensing her presence immediately he swiveled around to look at her.

~~~~~

Her room was empty. Even if she wanted to she couldn’t offer him a glass of water or any food to eat, so they sat on the ground across from each other at the table she’d left behind. Pouring out the contents in the bags left hanging on her door Namjoo gave the items a once over before offering Kyung a banana.

“Want it?” she asked.

Irritated, he rolled his eyes at her. Withdrawing her hand she peeled the fruit then took a bite. “I really didn’t think I’d run into you like this today.”

“So where did you think you’d run into me? On the streets? At Joohwan’s?” he shot his eyes back to her obviously upset. He took no effort to hide it under his tone. “I heard you brought that guy there, and you said you'e marrying him.”

The weight of disapproval with her sudden move was heavy in his voice. It pounded Namjoo’s conscience like nail into cardboard. Kyung never put any effort into hiding the intimate feelings he’d long harbored for her. It flowed off him like steam. Namjoo sat there quietly with guilt on one side and her future on the other. The boy who’d grown into a man whose crush only deepened with the years was someone Namjoo would never understand.

“Kyung,” Namjoo calmly called, “I am getting married.”

The expression of betrayal in his expression was like a knife plunging deeper into his heart. The upset glare in his eyes turned to a shocked gaze. Silence zoomed in on them. He was quiet while soaking in the fact just shared. His eyes sunk into her. It made her feel like a cop that came to bring bad news.

Namjoo set the banana in her hand down, a useless prop for her fidgeting hand to help her garner strength for what she was going to say. It was better to get it out now than never and she knew she could trust him not to let a peep out to Joohwan. Kyung always listened to her because he liked her that much. And she wanted him, someone from her side, to know. It just felt right that way.

“When?” he asked with eyes still astray. She watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed down his growing feelings of trepidation to maintain his composure.

“This weekend.”

His brows curved deep into his face, his eyes sunken and dark with all the anger even she would possess if Joohwan suddenly ran off to elope.

“You can’t do this,” he shook his head in denial and determination to set her back on the right track. “It’s not right. You don’t even love him. Namjoo!”

“What if I do now?” the question came out as quiet as her breath.

Kyung scoffed, “You don’t.” he raised his voice, “You don’t love him! He’s your puppet! Nothing less, nothing more!”

“Kyung…”

“No!” Kyung yelled. “If you do this, I can’t give you my blessing. I won’t. You’re lying to yourself more so him! And this is too fast! You’ve barely known him for even three months! Three months, Namjoo! Are you crazy?! What will Joohwan think?!”

Namjoo lowered her eyes and concentrated her gaze on the tabletop. She knew he was right. She was insane but things just happened to turn out the way it did, and even she had nothing to say against it.

“Please think about this,” Kyung begged with desperation in his voice, “you worked so hard for Hwan. For him to have a good life. You know your day will come too. You didn’t spend all those years laboring just to lock yourself up into some marriage with a rich man. You’re more than this.”

Namjoo couldn’t tell whether he was right, but he did know her as a person and as Joohwan’s elder sister. Kyung knew everything she could not tell Jongin but she wouldn’t lose Jongin for Kyung.

Lifting her head up she determinedly said, “It’s my decision. You don’t have to come to my wedding. Joohwan isn’t either.”

“What?” he gasped in utter shock. His frown only continued to deepen. “What do you mean he isn’t…”

“Kyung,” Namjoo tried again, “I feel bad enough as it is, but I at least wanted you to know.”

“What are you doing Namjoo?” he asked. Utter disbelief floored his face.  

“You can never tell Joohwan about the wedding.” Namjoo held his eyes. “Never.”

“Namjoo…”

“I accept that you don’t approve my marriage and I won’t hold it against you for feeling that way,” Namjoo expressed. “I’m sorry to disappoint you like this. I just wanted you to know. I also believe you’ll be able to find someone out there who will love you much more than I love Jongin.”

Gritting his teeth together Kyung gripped his hand into a fist. His voice deepened, “I don’t care about that. No one will ever come close to you, Namjoo. Jongin doesn’t know you like I do. Once that fool finds out your trick, it’s over for you.”

Namjoo stared at him and watched him rise to his feet angrily. “Kyung…”

“You’ll learn this lesson on your own,” he breathed heavily having had enough of sitting there listening to her foolishness. “But tell me one good reason why I can’t let Hwan know. Why can’t Joohwan attend his only sister’s wedding? Do you know how important this event is? Have you thought about him at all Namjoo?! He’s your one and only family! And this is your wedding! Even if I don’t come, your brother needs to be there! What right do you have to bar him from attending this event?!”

“I said you can’t!” Namjoo hastily rose to her feet to argue with him. Heat boiled in her chest. She was about on the edge of panicking. “Don’t be impulsive, Kyung. You’ve always listened to me. Do me this favor.”

“I listened to you because you always did everything for the good of yourself and Hwan, but you’ve never been this selfish,” Kyung shook his head. “You’ve disappointed me, Namjoo. You’re letting Hwan down. Before that guy came into the picture, you always thought about everyone else around you, but you’re willing to disappoint us all for this one guy?” Kyung shook his head. “What’s happened to you? What clouded your vision, Namjoo?”

Namjoo was forced to clamp her eyes shut for a moment’s peace as she regained her composure. Opening them she said, “You won’t understand.”

“Me? Won’t understand?” he asked insulted. “Why not? I was there right beside you the whole time! Did I not see you do backbreaking work?! Did I not see you hold back tears when you were so tired your body nearly gave out on you? You carried Joohwan on your back, but I carried you on mine. Did I tell him about that when you begged me not to? I listened to you because your intentions were pure. You’ve always had a good heart. I know you had it hard, but I promise you, I can do just as much for you as that guy can! So what makes him better than me?”

Jongin had never carried her but just imagining him gently pulling her into his embrace, holding her tightly with her head pressed against his warm shoulder made her heart flutter. He had so much gentleness to share with her. And somehow, it was enough to make up for everything else. How could she go about explaining that? Even that didn’t make sense to her.

She needed money to pay off her debt. She wanted to live a luxurious life. She wanted to experience high society once before she died. She wanted to live well in a world where she wouldn’t be called imprudent names that offended her status. She wanted to be respected.

Most of all, she wanted to start anew. Leave behind the pain that had built up in her past and live freely. If she stayed glued to the past she would forever be bound in chains to it. She would rather die if she couldn’t claw her way out. She needed to leave this world of a blue collar worker; this hostel, her life of debt incurred from raising Joohwan, and just once…really live for herself.

“Joohwan was eight when our mother left,” Namjoo looked at Kyung in the eye, “an eight-year-old is just a baby only with longer limbs and a smarter brain. He couldn’t talk that day when my mother left because he was crying so hard. To be abandoned like a stray, you’d never know what that feels like. To be trapped with fear and to be treated like the lowest form of living; to have the unknown spiraling out before you and having no idea what would happen next – if you might die or be left discover that you’ve been left behind in the middle of the night, have you lived it Kyung?

“For a week straight Joohwan was burned out with a fever from crying so much and refused to eat whatever my Aunt made, and I wondered then, if he died I would be alone and what would happen to me. I lived under scrutiny, bombarded by this fear I couldn’t understand. My Aunt did not love us. Each and every passing day felt like we were traveling deeper into the pits of hell. You don’t know how it is to be neglected, Kyung. How it is when there is no one in the household, not even your mother, to stand as a guardian and protect you. Even a nineteen-year-old still needs an adult. But us? We were just children. There was no one! All their eyes mocked us, stared us down like we would never have a place of belonging. Do you know then, how much we missed home? Joohwan’s fragile heart was shred to pieces. He almost died again after we left the orphanage. He will die again if he meets my mom. And I will not let him relive those painful days.”

Namjoo felt her hands tremble from the anger of traveling back to the past to speak it out. She hated their mother to her core.

“Do you know why I lied that Joohwan and I are orphans? Why I thanked the Lord I was not foolish enough to invite Joohwan to the family dinner with Jongin’s parents?” Namjoo felt her eyes go cold and hard. “That mother I saw that day is the very same one that tore Joohwan’s heart to pieces.”

She witnessed how Kyung’s angry eyes became wide.

“If you tell Joohwan about this wedding, you will more or less be murdering your own friend’s peace of mind.” Namjoo warned. “It’s been thirteen years, but that kind of pain never disappears. It remains buried in the heart until it manages to climb back out. I’m telling you now, because you’re still important to me. Listen to me, Kyung. You can’t tell him.”

~~~~~

Hunmi thanked the driver before walking up the rest of the steps to the house. Namjoo had spoken very little words to her ever since she moved in with them. She supposed she couldn’t expect her own daughter – flesh and blood – to readily start talking to her like they were long time companions. Namjoo could not yet forgive her. Hunmi could tell by reading her daughter’s eyes.

The hate was so deep. How would she ever be able to ask for forgiveness from her?

As she slipped into her fuzzy slippers at the front door she could hear Jaegeun singing a tune from the kitchen. Shinae had done well to bring such a blessing into the family. It was sad indeed that that wonderful young woman was no longer alive. Jongin had been so downtrodden when they were told about her death but the light in his eyes were so clear these days.

The grandson’s singing brought a smile to her face when she walked in through the kitchen entrance and spotted Jongin sitting across from him.

“Oh?” she asked surprised. “What are you doing home? You usually don’t come back this early.”

“Have you forgotten I have exams?” Jongin questioned. “I took mine and came back home, but missed you by half an hour. How was the fitting?”

“It went well,” she walked over to the stove to set the kettle on it. “Namjoo was really beautiful today. She’ll take your breath away this weekend.”

“Yea?” Jongin grinned from where he was sitting.

“Will Uncle die?” Jaegeun asked.

Hunmi chuckled, “Of course not.” Walking back toward them she affectionately touched Jaegeun’s head.

“Then,” Jongin’s eyes searched around then moved toward the entryway, “where is Namjoo?”

“She said she had some errands to run.”

“She did?” he sounded surprised. Hunmi didn’t want to let him know that Namjoo probably didn’t want to come home with her. He would be so disappointed to learn the truth between them and it would put him in such a devastatingly difficult spot. She didn’t want to go there.

“She’ll be back soon. Why don’t you give her a call?” Hunmi suggested.

“I guess I’ll do that.” Jongin agreed and pulled out his phone.

“Can Auntie buy me ice cream?”

“Eat your food first.” She urged. Standing at Jaegeun’s chair she watched Jongin’s expression turn grim as he listened to the dial tone. He hung up and tried once more.

“Is she not answering?” she wondered.

“She must be busy,” Jongin suggested but she could easily tell he was unsettled.

“She’ll be all right.” She assured.

“I know.” He nodded then turned his attention to Jaegeun, teasing and mocking him. Another smile of happiness crept onto her lips. She felt blessed that such a good man loved and cared for her daughter. Namjoo was going to live a very good life.

~~~~~

Namjoo didn’t return until an hour before dinner, so Jongin spent those long hours pacing in front of the door while simultaneously keeping Jaegeun company in front of the TV. The moment she appeared he breathed relief and pulled her over to sit down.

“Where were you?” he asked. “I called you so many times.”

“You did?” she asked surprised then searched for her phone through her bag. “I guess you did.”

He made a face at her while watching her skim through the history log. “You didn’t answer me. Where did you go?”

“I met Kyung. That’s all.”

“Kyung? Ah…right. The guy that didn’t seem to like me.”

Namjoo nudged him before digging her head into his shoulder. “Why? Are you jealous? Does this make you feel better?”

Jongin scoffed before wrapping his arms around her to pull her closer. Namjoo screamed against him before Jaegeun jumped onto them with a pillow in his hands.

“I’ll save you!” he declared.

~~~~~

As they lay in bed that night Namjoo stared up at the ceiling and felt contentment wash through her while Jongin held her hand under the blanket. Entwining her fingers through his she smiled.

“We’re getting married this weekend.” She announced aloud.

“I can’t wait.” Jongin said. “Imagine us sharing a future together. It’s suddenly so real now.”

“Yea?” she turned to look at him.

“Yea,” he turned to look at her with a grin and they broke out into a laugh in unison.

“I’m glad I met you.” Namjoo confessed. “I don’t think I’ve felt this way before.”

“Me too.”

“I mean it.” she pressed on.

“I do too.” He said and they glanced at each other before breaking out into laughter again.