Baekhyun can sense the tension between Chanyeol and Luhan, but he doesn’t understand why it’s there. When Luhan was still in EXO, their relationship was fairly neutral. He was one of the more unproblematic members (*cough cough* Kris Wu the r*pist *cough*). However, Luhan did back out on his promise to frequently stay in touch with the remaining EXO members after he left. This being the case, everyone was understanding. Luhan was extremely busy during the early days of his solo career. They were excited and happy for him. And after a while, they got used to his lack of communication. 

Also, if Baekhyun recalls correctly, Luhan actually left earlier than he originally planned to. Sehun had been the last to see him but couldn’t explain the older’s premature departure. Yet, after hearing about Sehun’s feelings for Luhan, Baekhyun thinks that there may be more to the story. 

“Do you despise me, Chanyeol?” Luhan asks as he sits down in a chair. Baekhyun studies his face. He still looks the same from the last time they saw him in person, albeit a little thinner and with slightly darker under eyes. 

The vocalist glances back over the giant sitting next to him. “No,” Chanyeol responds. “I’m just disappointed in you.” 

Luhan visibly stiffens in his seat. Baekhyun does as well. He’s shocked by Chanyeol’s bluntness. The vocalist briefly wonders if he should leave. When he moves to get off the hospital bed, Chanyeol grabs his wrist and pulls him back, saying, “Nope, you’re not going anywhere.” 

“Chanyeol?” 

“Honestly, Baekhyun, you’re the only thing stopping me from punching Luhan hyung right now,” Chanyeol tells him. 

“You already broke your knuckles from punching the wall earlier,” Baekhyun reprimands the taller as he settles back down on the bed. “You shouldn’t even be thinking of punching anything else.” 

The stern expression that Chanyeol wears softens as Baekhyun scolds him. 

“I would prefer,” Luhan says slowly. “Not to be punched by anyone. But I probably deserve it.” Baekhyun starts to think Chanyeol wished Luhan was the wall when he punched it.

Chanyeol sighs loudly. He really looks like he’s holding himself back, Baekhyun thinks. 

“I’m disappointed in you because you waited so long to visit Sehun,” Chanyeol says. It’s almost as if there’s acid in his voice because Luhan grimaces after hearing the sentence. The older opens his mouth to make a rebuttal, but Chanyeol cuts him off. 

“You’re going to defend yourself by saying that you’re here now. But you’re only here now when Sehun is at his absolute worst. You could have done better. You should have come back to Seoul sooner.” 

Luhan looks upset now. Baekhyun notices how he grips the chair’s armrests so tightly that his knuckles turn white. “Sehun blocked me on every single platform that I could have contacted him through! He didn’t want to talk to me. So why would he want to see me after what happened?” He says the last part bitterly. 

Baekhyun wonders what Luhan could have possibly done to the maknae. The vocalist turns back to Chanyeol and is startled to see the fire in the other’s eyes.  

“So why not make new accounts to message him? Why not contact other members or me so that you could talk to him? Why not fly back here and apologize to him in person?” Chanyeol says rapidly, not giving Luhan a chance to answer any of his questions. “You were so inconsiderate of his feelings, and you still are now.” 

“Chanyeol, I messaged him until he blocked me. I figured that he got tired of me blowing up his phone with my apologies.” Tears start to run down Luhan’s cheeks. His voice breaks as he speaks, “I was scared. I was scared because of what I did to Sehun during our friendship.” 

“You gave up on him. You gave up on your relationship with him,” Chanyeol says, not a moment after Luhan finishes speaking. The rapper is angry. His eyes are wide, and his lips are pursed into a thin line. Chanyeol looks ready to punch Luhan through the wall and into the next room. When he manages to process Luhan’s last sentence, the look on his face shifts into one riddled with concern. “What exactly did you do?” 

Luhan wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and laughs nervously. “Before I answer...do you want to hit me now or after I tell you?” 

“I don’t think you should be joking with Chanyeol right now, Luhan hyung,” Baekhyun warns politely. He has a feeling that Chanyeol is going to react very badly to whatever Luhan is about to say. 

Luhan apologizes and says that he’s never told another soul about what he’s going to share with them. Baekhyun can feel anxiety churning in the pit of his stomach. He wills himself and Chanyeol to keep their reactions to a minimum. The last thing he wants to do is make Luhan feel judged while sharing something that he otherwise would have taken to his grave. 

Their former bandmate looks away as he explains himself. Luhan brings him back to a little over a year after EXO’s debut. It was the summer that their dorm’s air conditioning was broken. The heat was sweltering. Luhan escaped from it by spending his time in the dance studio. 

Baekhyun remembers how hot that summer was. His and Chanyeol’s relationship was still good at the time. The two of them spent those long afternoons taking naps together. Baekhyun thinks that there’s nothing better than letting the heat lull you to sleep. The downside to napping with Chanyeol was that the rapper often woke up first and secretly took ugly pictures of Baekhyun sleeping. Knowing Chanyeol, he probably still has all of them too. 

Luhan tells Baekhyun and Chanyeol that Sehun would also visit the dance studio around the same time as him. The maknae had been rehearsing for an upcoming solo dance performance. Luhan’s voice starts to waver as he speaks. After seeing one practice, Luhan couldn’t get enough.  

Embarrassedly, he admits that the younger’s body movements were hypnotizing. Though he’d seen Sehun dance before, there was just something about that choreography that drew Luhan in so deep to the point of obsession. Luhan admits that he felt ashamed of himself and his actions. Nevertheless, he kept coming back to the studio to watch Sehun.

Luhan never told the maknae or anyone else about this. He felt like he had to keep it a secret. 

“Why were you ashamed of yourself?” Baekhyun asks in confusion. “You weren’t doing anything wrong by watching him. You were just a performer watching another performer. If anything, your reaction credits the fact that Sehun’s a main dancer.” 

Luhan bites his lip. “I don’t want to say this out loud.” 

Baekhyun looks at the older expectantly. Luhan inhales deeply and then speaks quickly as he exhales. “I started fantasizing about Sehun.” 

The vocalist’s jaw drops in surprise. 

“You’re gay?” Chanyeol asks without any hesitation. If he’s shocked by this information, Baekhyun thinks that the rapper is doing an excellent job of hiding it. But, on the other hand, Chanyeol looks like he’s fighting the urge to say more. 

How did I not know that Chanyeol, Sehun, and Luhan all liked guys? How dense am I? Baekhyun thinks as he and Chanyeol wait for the eldest to respond. 

Luhan nods slowly. “I feel like biual is a better descriptor.” His cheeks are beginning to turn a faint shade of red. Luhan looks up to meet Baekhyun’s gaze. Only then does Baekhyun remember that his mouth is still wide open. He closes it and gives Luhan an apologetic look, hoping it conveys something along the lines of ‘I’m sorry. I’m not judging you. I’m just surprised about your ual preferences.’ 

“I wasn’t looking at Sehun as another performer. He became the center of my desires,” he tells Baekhyun. “I knew it was wrong to want him, but I couldn’t stop myself. And I knew that he admired me, so I felt even guiltier when we were around each other outside of the dance studio.” 

“Admired?” Chanyeol asks, voice bordering on a tone of sarcasm. He starts to say more but notices how Luhan shifts uncomfortably in his chair and stops. “Go on, Luhan hyung.” 

“So, do you understand my shame now, Baekhyun?” Luhan asks the vocalist. Baekhyun nods silently. 

“I controlled myself,” Luhan says. “The last thing I wanted to do was make Sehun-ah feel uncomfortable. I thought I could balance being a good hyung and having those secret desires. But, unfortunately, I was wrong.” 

He reveals that Sehun found out Luhan was watching him. He expected the maknae to be disgusted with him. However, the younger’s reaction had been the exact opposite. He liked that Luhan watched his practices. He really liked it. 

Luhan tells them that he gave in to his desires. It was consensual, and Sehun had been the instigator. It wasn’t an easy decision for him to go through. “But Sehun convinced me that it was okay,” the eldest says quietly. “I was surprised that he wanted me too.” 

He’s staring at his lap as he confesses. Luhan doesn’t have to lift his gaze to know that Chanyeol is frowning at him. He can feel the rapper’s look of disapproval. 

“And I thought that sleeping with Sehun would relieve me of my inappropriate feelings for him,” Luhan says carefully. “This is how I rationalized my actions.” 

Baekhyun begins to frown. Unlike the other two in the room, he’s never had with anyone before. However, he doesn’t think that sleeping with someone would simply stop one’s fantasies about them. Feelings like that can’t just be handled the way one scratches away an itch. From the look on Chanyeol’s face, Baekhyun can tell that the taller likely shares his thoughts. 

“It was amazing, but then it was over. We fell asleep in bed together, and when I woke up, I couldn’t escape the guilt,” Luhan confesses. “I-I panicked and asked Sehun if we could keep things a secret between us. He agreed, and everything went back to normal. This surprised me because I thought our relationship was going to be awkward afterward.” 

“You know that he slept with you because he liked you, right?” Chanyeol says coldly. He’s staring daggers at the top of Luhan’s head. The eldest’s shoulders shake at the tone of Chanyeol’s voice. “And of course, he’d go along with pretending that things were fine. A person would do anything for the one they like. But Luhan hyung, you took advantage of Sehun’s feelings for you. I can’t believe how selfish you were. You lead Sehun on by sleeping with him. What’s even worse is that not only did you not notice his feelings, you just wanted him for his body-” 

“No!” Luhan says loudly. He gets up so quickly from his chair that it topples over onto its side on the floor. Luhan’s hands are balled into fists at his side. His chest is heaving. Baekhyun and Chanyeol can see the tears slipping down his cheeks when he lifts his head. His lips are trembling, and there’s a look of pain in his eyes. He looks directly at Chanyeol. Baekhyun braces himself, half expecting Luhan to scream at the rapper. However, the words that leave Luhan’s lips are a hoarse whisper. 

“I l-loved him too. I loved Sehun.” 

“The agency’s going to suspend your activities for the time being,” D.O. says gently. He’s sitting at the foot of Sehun’s hospital bed. “They want you to stay at a mental health facility until you recover. You won’t be able to promote EXO until you come back.” 

Sehun stares at the tray of hospital food in front of him. He can’t remember the last time he had a meal, but eating is the last thing on his mind. The maknae picks up his chopsticks and winces because the movement triggers a twinge of pain in his wrist. 

D.O. notices and moves closer to Sehun. He quickly takes the chopsticks from the younger before he can protest. For a moment, his eyes linger on Sehun’s forearms. The maknae almost doesn’t see this because D.O. quickly turns his attention back to the food. He looks over the dishes on the tray and picks up a piece of the stewed vegetables. D.O. brings the chopsticks close to the maknae’s mouth and motions for him to eat. 

The maknae turns his head to the side, avoiding the chopsticks. “Sehun, you need to eat,” D.O. reasons. 

“And you need to leave,” Sehun says coldly, surprising both himself and the other with the tone of his voice. He glances back at D.O., expecting to be reprimanded. Under normal circumstances, the other would have been quick to scold the maknae for such rude behavior. But, instead, he wordlessly places the chopsticks back down on the tray and gets off the bed. 

“I know that I can never come close to understanding how you feel right now,” D.O. says. He places a hand on Sehun’s shoulder and gives it a light squeeze. Sehun resists the urge to shrug his hand off. “You don’t owe me or anyone else an explanation if it’s too difficult.” 

“But I hope you know that I care about you. We all care, and all we want is for you to get better,” the vocalist says solemnly. Then, as he turns to leave, he says, “Chen, Minseok hyung, Kai, Lay, and I are heading back to the dorm. They’re exhausted, and the doctors finally convinced everyone that they need to rest for a bit before coming back. So until we return, Suho hyung will stay here with you. Luhan hyung, Chanyeol, and Baekhyun are still here, but I’m not sure what their plans are.” 

Sehun nods his head in acknowledgment. He feels a dull ache in his chest when D.O. mentions Luhan’s name. 

D.O. looks at him sadly before he leaves the room. Sehun wants to apologize, but he stops himself. He bites back guilt when he realizes that he never thought about how his actions would affect the other EXO members. 

You’re only causing more trouble for everyone, says a little voice at the back of his head. You’re still so pathetic. 

D.O.’s right. He doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. But Sehun thinks that one would put everyone at ease. However, he knows that he doesn’t have the courage to open up to any of them. The only one he’d been honest with was Chanyeol. 
Chanyeol. 

He’d been Sehun’s support system for the past couple of years. Even though they were friends with benefits, he knew that Chanyeol genuinely cared about him as a person. Besides Chanyeol, Sehun also felt that the other members cared for him out of obligation. They only care because they’re in the same group, and they act kindly for the sake of everyone getting along and working well together. Sehun has always been hesitant to share his feelings because of this. 

Sehun thinks that he owes the rapper the biggest apology. He wants to tell Chanyeol that he shouldn’t feel guilty for what happened. It was painful to listen to the other while he pretended to be asleep earlier. Part of Sehun wishes that he’d been sleeping through the entire thing. Yet, part of him is relieved to know that Chanyeol still cares about him. 

He was wrong to think that someone like Chanyeol would condemn him, even after what he did to Baekhyun. Chanyeol had always been understanding of Sehun’s feelings. In no way was Chanyeol’s shunning of him unfair. The maknae knew that he deserved every minute of it. A person can only be pushed so far until they snap. 

Deep inside, Sehun wants to repair his relationship with Chanyeol. He wants to be friends again but doesn’t know how he’ll be able to face the other after all that’s happened. Sehun didn’t expect himself to revert to destructive coping mechanisms. Yet, the absence of Chanyeol’s companionship was all it took. 

He knows that he’ll have to talk to Chanyeol sooner or later. But he doesn’t think saying sorry will be enough. Chanyeol feels responsible for what happened. Sehun wants to reassure him that he’s not the one at fault. He doesn’t blame Chanyeol for anything. Sehun made his own choices. 

He glances down at one of his bandaged wrists. Sehun’s doctor said that he needed stitches. However, she warned that vigorous movement might aggravate them and cause the stitches to tear open. His gaze trails over his forearm,  taking in the sight of multiple lacerations in varying states of healing. Some are still scabbed over, while others present themselves in faded shades of pink and white.

Sehun thinks back to how D.O. looked at his forearms earlier and realizes that the vocalist noticed his scars. The only person to see them up close before was Chanyeol. Usually, Sehun was always careful to cover them with foundation and concealer whenever he wore shorter sleeves. Being an idol with visible self-harm scars would only cause trouble for him, his group, and the entertainment agency. 

Sehun suddenly feels self-conscious about his arms despite being in the room alone. He briefly debates texting D.O and asking him to bring a sweater back from the dorm. The maknae glances around the room and frowns when it becomes clear to him that neither his phone nor his clothes are anywhere in sight. Sighing, Sehun slowly pulls a blanket around his shoulders and crosses his arms over his chest. This will have to do for now. He hopes that no one else will pay attention to his scars. 

There’s a knock at the door, and Sehun hears the familiar voice of his doctor. She steps inside the room, and Suho follows her. Sehun eyes the cardboard drink tray that Suho is holding and looks at the four drinks in it. At least two of them look to be chocolate bubble teas. 

“How’s it going, Sehun-ssi?” His doctor asks kindly. She’s got a tablet in one hand and the other in the pocket of her white coat. Sehun sees how the doctor glances at the uneaten food on his tray. “Don’t have much of an appetite yet?” 

“I’m okay, Dr. Lee,” Sehun says politely. He shakes his head to answer her question. “I’m not very hungry.” 

Dr. Lee gives him a kind smile and then scrunches up her nose as she gestures to the food. “Hey, I don’t blame you. Hospital food isn’t among my favorites.” She taps on the screen of her tablet, eyes moving side to side as she reads something on it. “Your hemoglobin levels are looking good after the transfusion. However, after the tests we ran, we did notice that you’re a bit anemic. So, we’ll be sending you off with iron supplements when you’re discharged tomorrow. Your company has also made arrangements for you to be transferred to another facility. 

“Tomorrow?” Sehun asks. 

“Yes!” The doctor answers. “I know you probably want to get out of here as soon as possible, but tomorrow afternoon is the soonest I can give you. First, we need to ensure that your wounds don’t get infected before you go. Also, I need to see that you’re able to eat and drink. That’s why I asked your friend here to pick up something that you liked.” 

Suho sets the drink holder down next to Sehun’s tray of food. “Two chocolate bubble teas with extra tapioca, one honey oolong milk tea, and a lychee black tea. But the last one’s mine,” he says, removing a straw from its wrapper and sticking it into the plastic top of a chocolate bubble tea. 

Sehun listens to the satisfying snap of the straw puncturing plastic. He can’t remember the last time he drank bubble tea. His stomach grumbles loud enough for both the doctor and Suho to hear. The sound brings a faint smile to Suho’s lips. 

Dr. Lee lets out a cheerful laugh as Sehun embarrassedly picks up his drink. He takes a small, tentative sip, the sweetness of the beverage tickling his tongue. Most food and drinks had made Sehun feel nauseous during the past couple of weeks. Nothing had seemed appetizing anymore. Yet, the chocolate bubble tea flavor brings back happy memories from the early days of his career, the nostalgia wrapping around Sehun like a warm blanket. He takes a few bigger sips of the drink. 

Sehun chews on some tapioca balls and watches the doctor make notes on her tablet. Suho takes a sip of his drink and says, “D.O.’s going to bring some food when everyone comes back. I asked them to bring Sehun’s favorites.” 

The doctor nods in approval. “Good. Good. You’re lucky to have so many caring friends, Sehun-ssi,” she says, smiling warmly. 

I just have people who are obligated to pity me, Sehun thinks bitterly as he forces a smile. The doctor leaves the room, and Suho pulls up a chair next to the hospital bed. He takes a seat and watches as Sehun drinks the bubble tea. They sit in silence for a while, just sipping on their drinks. Sehun begins to feel extremely uncomfortable. Suho always has something to say; Sehun knows that the leader can’t stand awkward silences. 

Feeling the other’s eyes on him, Sehun turns to the leader and asks, “Hyung?” There’s a pensive look on the older’s face. Sehun doesn’t want to make conversation but feels like he should because Suho went to the trouble of buying him drinks. 

“Yes, Sehun-ah?” 

“I feel like no one is scolding me the way you all normally do,” Sehun says. He already has an idea of what the leader is going to say. He’ll probably talk about how none of the members want to make Sehun feel worse than he already does. 

“Do you want me to scold you?” Suho asks.
 

“Not really, but maybe you could tell me what’s on your mind?” Sehun offers. 

Suho nods and then takes a deep breath. “I just wish I could understand what’s been going on with you. As the leader, it’s my responsibility to have a general idea of how everything is with the other members. I knew that something was up between you and Chanyeol. Then something else happened between you and Baekhyun. But I got so absorbed with our album promotions that I didn’t take the time to find out exactly what happened. All the silent treatment and tension seemed to fade into the background and become the norm. I did not stop to think that the problems hadn’t been resolved yet. I did not spend enough time trying to understand your feelings, and for that, I am truly sorry, Sehun-ah. I feel like I’ve failed you and everyone else as a leader.” 

Suho pauses to clear his throat and wipes away a stray tear sliding down his cheek. Sehun can feel guilt slowly starting to eat at him. Hot tears begin pooling in his eyes. The older continues to speak, looking directly at Sehun, “Do you not trust me to know your feelings, Sehun-ah? Because it feels like we’ve drifted apart from each other over the past couple of years. I miss how our friendship used to be. I honestly feel terrible, and I hope I haven’t done anything to make you think less of me. But if I have, I’m so sorry-” 

“Damn it! Stop apologizing, hyung!” Sehun snaps. He can’t hold his tears back anymore. He looks at Suho with watery eyes and shakes his head. Way to go Sehun, you’ve made Junmyeon hyung upset. What’s wrong with you? 

Kim Junmyeon doesn’t judge. He’s patient and understanding. He sometimes acts fatherly, which can be both annoying and endearing. They trained together for years before being placed in EXO with the other members. Sehun looked up to Suho. If Sehun had to choose the EXO members he liked the most, he’d immediately pick Suho and Chanyeol. Yet, of course, there were some things that he’d never want to tell the leader. Particularly things that Suho might disagree with. 

Sehun knows that Suho wouldn’t have judged him for loving Luhan, but he knows that the leader would have warned him against having feelings for another band member. Suho would also say that Sehun and Chanyeol’s friends with benefits relationship wasn’t a good idea. The leader cares a lot about the group’s dynamics and success. 

Suho has always been worried about EXO’s reputation, even more so since Kris, Luhan, and Tao left. Sehun doesn’t want to stress the leader with his complicated feelings. He doesn’t want to make Suho’s role any harder than it already is. But Sehun hates how Suho is upset now. Like Chanyeol, the leader feels responsible for what happened. 

Sehun can feel himself trembling. “Suho hyung, it’s for your own good... There are just some things that I know I shouldn’t say out loud.” 

“What good is that doing?” Suho sounds frustrated now. “How is holding back your feelings a good thing if Lay finds you nearly dead in the bathroom?!” 

His last sentence echoes loudly in the room. Suho covers his eyes with his forearm and sobs.

Sehun feels horrible. He doesn’t know what he can say to make the other feel better. “Hyung, it’s really not your fault,” Sehun says with a shaky voice. His chest feels heavy with guilt. He reaches over and places his hand on Suho’s knee. “I just...” Sehun pauses, mustering the strength to continue speaking. “...wanted to disappear. I couldn’t handle my feelings anymore. And I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems, especially you.” 

Sniffling, Suho moves his forearm away from his eyes. He places a hand on top of the younger’s and squeezes. “Not knowing your feelings is the only burden you’ve given me. I’m your friend and your hyung before being EXO’s leader.” 

The tone of his voice is so sincere that it causes Sehun to sob. The maknae bows his head in shame as he begins to think that Suho’s concern for him doesn’t stem from a sense of obligation after all. 

Sehun wants to be the one to comfort Suho, but it feels as though the older is doing all the comforting himself. He cries so loudly that he can barely hear Suho speaking. “I know that we can’t go back and change what’s already happened. But I hope you can be honest with me from now on. I care about you, Sehun, and I’m here for you. So please, talk to me. I don’t want you to disappear, and neither does anyone else. We all love you.” 

His words are similar to Chanyeol’s, and they don’t hurt any less. “Was I being selfish?” Sehun asks. “For wanting to disappear...” 

The reactions of the other members have convinced him that the answer is ‘yes.’ He acted without even considering their feelings. Sehun was only thinking about himself and did what he thought made sense at the moment. Suho begins to panic when he hears the maknae. 

“No. Look at me, Sehun,” Suho says quickly. “You weren’t being selfish at all. You were sad, and you didn’t want to feel that way anymore. A person cannot always be expected to control his feelings. Everyone is upset by what happened, but it wasn’t your intention to hurt us. We’re upset because we were so unaware of your feelings.” 

Sehun doesn’t know if he can cry any harder. The younger’s throat is hoarse from sobbing so loudly, and his cheeks are stinging from his tears. Suho’s reassurance helps and hurts at the same time. 

I didn’t know that I needed to hear that, Sehun thinks. 

The leader presses tissues into Sehun’s hands, but the maknae doesn’t have the strength to use them. So instead, he takes a few deep breaths and tries to calm himself down. Suho wears a concerned expression. He stopped crying a moment ago, but Sehun can see that the other’s eyes are still red and puffy. 

He doesn’t like how sad Suho looks. Sehun wants to comfort him too 
“I really am sorry. But please, don’t worry too much about me,” Sehun says, voice barely a whisper because of the pain in his throat. He curls his hands into fists, crumpling up the tissues that he’s holding. 

Suho reaches out to pat the top of Sehun’s head. He ruffles the maknae hair and lets out a soft laugh. “You know that I’ll always worry for you and everyone else. But promise me something, and I’ll be more at ease.” 

“Okay, hyung. What is it?” 

Sehun feels uncomfortable with the thought of making a promise. He does want to make Suho feel better. Yet, he’s worried that he’ll let the other down by not keeping his word. Sehun doesn’t even have an idea of what Suho wants him to promise. What if it’s something that he actually can’t do? 

Maybe I should just play along. 

“Promise me that you’ll do your best to get better,” Suho says, his voice shaking towards the end of his sentence. His eyes are watering again. “I want you to be happy, Sehun-ah.” 

Sehun feels an ache in his chest. He doesn’t know if he can be happy again. Maybe he could repair his friendship with Chanyeol. Something like that doesn’t seem like too difficult of a task. He’ll likely go to therapy and be put on medications to alter his moods. But would treatments like that actually make him happy again? 

Sehun knows that he won’t just forget all of his pain and guilt. And never before has he tried to face his feelings head-on. It was so much easier to suppress his emotions. He was accustomed to being avoidant of his feelings. ‘Getting better’ isn’t a thought that crosses Sehun’s mind. 

Suho’s promise is asking a lot of him. Sehun doesn’t know if he can change his ways. 

The leader watches him expectantly. Sehun suddenly realizes that he’s been quiet for too long. He gives Suho an apologetic look and admits, “I’m not sure I can promise you that...” 

Suho nods understandingly. “I had a feeling you might say that. And it’s okay because feelings don’t just change that easily.” He gives Sehun a gentle, encouraging smile. “But promise me that you’ll at least try. Okay?” 

I don’t have to go through with it fully if I’m just trying. 

Sehun forces out a small smile. “I promise to try,” he says, hoping that he doesn’t sound half-hearted. 

There’s a bit of light in Suho’s eyes again. He looks relieved to hear Sehun’s promise and pats the younger’s head affectionately. “Good. Now finish your bubble tea.” 

I loved him too. I loved Sehun. 

Luhan’s voice was a whisper, but his words are still ringing loudly in Baekhyun’s ears. The vocalist’s head is spinning. He’s overwhelmed by all of this sudden information. Sneaking around, secret desires, , and now feelings of love? How had he been so unaware of all these things? He knows that everyone teased Sehun about having a little crush on Luhan. Baekhyun was sure that it was a joke, along with some very convincing fanservice. 

“That’s it. I can’t take this anymore,” Chanyeol snarls as he springs up from the bed. He lunges forward and grabs Luhan by the collar of his shirt. He raises his injured hand with the intent to hit his former bandmate. Luhan closes his eyes, bracing himself for the impact of a blow. 

The tone of the rapper’s voice snaps Baekhyun out of his thoughts. He panics at the sight in front of him and scrambles to his feet. Thankfully, he’s fast enough to grab Chanyeol’s wrist and hold the taller back before he can do anything to Luhan. “Chanyeol-ah, you need to calm down,” Baekhyun says softly, looking up into the giant’s rage-filled eyes. 

Distracted by the vocalist, Chanyeol loosens his grip on Luhan’s shirt. The eldest steps out of his grasp and leans back against the wall, his heart thumping loudly. Baekhyun puts himself between Chanyeol and Luhan. 

The rapper’s harsh gaze lightens as he meets Baekhyun’s droopy eyes. Chanyeol’s raised arm falls back down to his side. “I just can’t believe him,” the rapper says defeatedly. Baekhyun knows that Luhan’s confession is shocking to Chanyeol as well. And he knows that the taller’s anger has slowly been building up throughout their conversation. 

“You need to let Luhan hyung explain himself,” Baekhyun tells Chanyeol. “Don’t you think he’s scared about admitting his feelings?” 

Chanyeol sighs. “I know.” 

Baekhyun can see frustration written in the taller’s expression. He wraps his arms around Chanyeol and closes the space between them. The vocalist hugs Chanyeol tightly, allowing himself to press his face into the other’s warm chest. 

Chanyeol relaxes into the hug and winds his arms around the shorter’s waist. A small smile breaks out on his lips when he feels and hears Baekhyun kiss the front of his shirt. Cute. They hold each other for a few moments before parting. Baekhyun is slightly disappointed to let go, but he knows that Luhan probably still has more to say. 

Luhan is already back in his chair when Chanyeol and Baekhyun turn to sit on the bed again. The eldest’s shoulders are sagging as he stares at his lap. He’s running a finger over one of the tears in his distressed jeans. Luhan isn’t crying anymore, but his cheeks are still wet with tears. 

“Thank you, Baekhyun,” Luhan says, not looking up at the other. “And I’m sorry, Chaneyol. I understand how this can be upsetting to you. I’m not proud of my past behaviors, and I hope you know that.” 

“Why didn’t you realize that Sehun had feelings for you?” Chanyeol asks. “If him clinging to you wasn’t enough–did you even think about why he wanted to sleep with you?” Chanyeol’s voice isn’t gentle, but Baekhyun knows he’s calmer than a few minutes ago. 

Luhan shifts in his chair and crosses one leg over the other. “Honestly, I thought he just wanted . And like you said earlier, a person would do anything for the one they like,” he says. He looks up at Chanyeol and Baekhyun with red-rimmed eyes. “I never truly understood his affection for me. When I asked why he always followed me around, he told me that I was special–that I was his favorite. Sehun made me feel wanted, and that meant a lot to me.” 

“It didn’t take much for me to fall for him. My love language is quality time, and Sehun wanted to spend every free moment with me. I missed Beijing. But being with Sehun made me feel like I’d found a new home in Seoul,” Luhan confesses. “So, I didn’t just want Sehun-ah for his body, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun’s heart pinches in his chest. He can hear the love in Luhan’s voice, but it doesn’t match the look of sadness in his gaze. 

“But why didn’t you tell him about your feelings, Luhan hyung?” Baekhyun asks the older. 

“I thought my feelings were inappropriate,” Luhan says. He reaches up and scratches the back of his head. 

“There’s nothing wrong with a man loving another man-” Chanyeol starts, looking very offended, but Luhan is quick to cut him off. 

“I wasn’t ashamed of being in love with a man. But I felt that I didn’t deserve to be with him. I didn’t know what I could offer Sehun. I was still young back then, and he was even younger. I wanted him to be mine, but I knew that I wasn’t good enough,” Luhan tells them. “I was so happy when he wanted to sleep with me. I could pretend like Sehun was mine for a moment. I knew that he loved me, but I never knew his feelings were more than platonic ones. I thought that it would be narcissistic of me to assume that we felt the same way.” 

“You were enough for Sehun,” Chanyeol says. “You were always enough. Even when we were friends with benefits, Sehun only thought about you, Luhan hyung. We were together like that because he wanted to forget you. But it was obvious that he couldn’t.” 

Luhan’s eyes are watering again. He tries to hold back a sob but fails. Their former band member holds his face in his hands and cries into his palms. “I’m dense, and I don’t like to make assumptions. So I didn’t know about his feelings until I was leaving EXO. I was promising him that we’d still be friends after I left, and Sehun... kissed me out of nowhere. He looked so heartbroken, and I panicked. I-I didn’t know what to do, so...I ran away.” 

Baekhyun watches as tears leak through the gaps between Luhan’s fingers. “So that’s why you left earlier than you were supposed to,” the vocalist says softly. Luhan murmurs a quiet, “Yes.” 

Chanyeol groans in frustration, and Baekhyun gives him a warning look. The rapper knew about Luhan running away. He heard the story firsthand from a drunken Sehun. Luhan handled the situation terribly. Sehun didn’t deserve to be treated like that. 

“And when I finally came to my senses, it was too late for me to make amends,” Luhan says wistfully. He’s using the sleeves of his sweater to wipe away his tears. “I only stayed away for so long because I thought Sehun never wanted to see me again. But I’m here now, and I want to fix things.” 

“How exactly are you going to do that?” Chanyeol asks. “I want you guys to have a good relationship again. But you haven’t always made the best decisions, especially when Sehun is involved.” 

He’s worried that Luhan might do more harm than good by being here. But Chanyeol knows that Luhan also has the potential to make Sehun feel better. Luhan can give Sehun the closure that he needs. And maybe, the maknae might finally be able to move on. 

“I told him that I’d stay in Seoul until he wants me to leave,” Luhan tells him. “And if Sehun-ah is okay with it... Then, I plan to bring him back to Beijing with me.”

Sehun finishes his first chocolate bubble tea and reaches for the second one. Suho's eyes are trained on the K-drama playing on the television, but he sees the younger in his peripheral vision. 

“I can't believe you remembered this was my favorite,” Sehun says, poking a straw through the plastic lid. 

Suho turns to him and laughs. “Our manager scolded me whenever you broke your diet to get bubble tea with Luhan hyung. But I told him that our dance practices were more than enough to burn off all the calories.”

The maknae's body goes rigid at the mention of Luhan's name. He recalls what the older said to him a few hours ago. 

If somehow you find yourself wanting me to stay, I won't ever leave your side.  

Sehun hadn't given himself enough time to process what Luhan was suggesting. Why did he say something like that? Was he promising to stay in Seoul?

Luhan even admitted that he missed him too. Luhan missed him. 

Though they only spent a short time alone together, the few words they exchanged planted a seed of hope in Sehun's heart. Luhan is back. Luhan wants to stay by his side.

“Speaking of Luhan hyung, do you think you could convince him to call his family and his fiancée?” Suho asks. “He kind of ran away from home without telling anyone why.”

Sehun drops his cup, and chocolate bubble tea spills everywhere when it hits the floor. Suho gets up to clean the mess, and by the movement of his lips, it looks like he's asking something. Yet, Sehun can't hear anything the leader is saying, for there's a single word reverberating in his ears. 

Fiancée.

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hey everyone!! this chapter was originally 10k+ words because i have a lot of things to cover, and i'm trying to do so in as few chapters as possible,,,,so i split up the original chapter. after 'confessions' there's only three chapters left before the end of SOTL

but!! i have some ideas for ChanBaek SOTL oneshots!!

also there's a rumor going around that Lu Han and Guan Xiao Tong are getting married in februrary 2022 omg so yea this story will likely be finished before then because i don't want to write bl fanfiction about a real life heteroual married man...yeah...

btw did y'all hear that Baekhyun won the best male artist award at MAMA? i'm so proud of him ;A; especially since i got more into his solo music this year

and omg Sehun is the global ambassador for Dior now

but anyways, take care! i'm so surprised to see that people are still reading this story, and it made me very happy to see a couple of you commenting on the updates. thank you! see you all in the next chapter :)

~sehunsighs