Present-day

Luhan’s mouth is dry, and he can feel himself trembling as he eavesdrops on Chanyeol pouring his heart out. He finds it hard to believe the things that his former bandmate is saying. Yet, a feeling of disappointment settles in when he realizes that yes, of course, these revelations would be shocking. He’d been out of touch with the EXO for so long. So why would he assume that nothing would change? 

Sehun and Chanyeol’s relationship isn’t what bothers him the most. Nor is Chanyeol’s confession of his past feelings for Sehun. Admittedly, Luhan does feel a dull ache in his chest when he hears Chanyeol say, “I really did like you, Sehun.” He tries not to pay too much mind to it.

Though Chanyeol doesn’t mention it directly, Luhan is crestfallen to hear about Sehun’s battle with his demons. Luhan feels the same as Chanyeol; he feels guilty for not being there for Sehun. His remorse is amplified tenfold as Chanyeol continues speaking. Chanyeol’s falling out with Sehun is not the only reason Sehun ended up in the hospital.

Luhan is one of the reasons as well.  

Chanyeol hadn’t been there for Sehun when the younger needed him the most. But, Luhan had been the first to abandon him. 

Luhan is the reason why Sehun sought comfort in Chanyeol. Luhan realizes this as he stands in the bathroom and finds himself having to lean against the wall for support. By leaving EXO and rejecting Sehun, Luhan had damaged him. The realization and guilt weigh down on Luhan. He can feel hot tears starting to trickle down his cheeks again. He covers his mouth with one hand, attempting to muffle a sob. The last thing he wants to do is interrupt Chanyeol and reveal that he’d been eavesdropping.

Luhan’s heart is aching for Sehun. He’d had tunnel vision from the moment Lay called and told him that Sehun was in the hospital. Luhan was in the middle of ironing his tuxedo. His tuxedo for his wedding that was taking place in less than 24 hours. He barely remembered to unplug the iron before rushing out of his home.

He didn’t even think to let his fiancée know where he was going.  

Luhan was already in a cab on the way to the airport while Lay explained what had happened. He was glad that he hadn’t chosen to drive his own car; he might have gotten himself into an accident.

Lay’s recollection of finding Sehun bloody and unconscious in the bathroom had shaken Luhan to the core.

An individual can never be prepared for the impact and shock of a loved one’s suicide attempt.

One never expects something so tragic to hit so close to home.  

Luhan was terrified and nauseous the entire plane ride, especially since the severity of Sehun’s condition had still been up in the air at that point. 

Upon his arrival to Seoul, Luhan immediately vomited the entire contents of his stomach into the nearest trash can. 

His eyes were glued to his phone during the cab ride to the hospital, anxiously awaiting Lay’s updates on Sehun. Luhan only realized that he’d impulsively left China when Guan Xiaotong’s contact picture flashed on his screen and her special ringtone played through the speaker. Luhan doesn’t know what came over him at that moment, but he’d never hit the “decline call” button faster in his entire life. 

Not long after that, more calls from Xiaotong, Luhan’s manager, his family, and friends in China began flooding his phone. Strangely, rather than feeling guilt from leaving without any notice, Luhan felt more and more annoyed by every call, voicemail, and text message he received. 

All he could think about was Sehun. 

One thought echoed loudly in Luhan’s mind. Sehun’s last memory of me will be of me leaving him behind. 

Sehun wakes up to darkness. 

He can’t discern whether he is in someplace dark or if his eyes are closed. Sehun can’t feel his eyelids. He can’t feel his arms, legs, or any part of himself. He should be scared, but this is precisely what he wanted, not being able to feel at all. 

“Sehun...Sehun-ah…”

Who is that?

“It’s me, your Luhan hyung.”

Luhan? 

Sehun could recognize that voice anywhere. He isn’t able to see Luhan, but Sehun just knows it’s him. 

“I know you must hate me, but I’m here for you.”

No, that’s wrong. Even though he left, Sehun could never even think of hating Luhan. Sehun loved him. He always would, even though his love was unrequited. 

Sehun realizes that his eyes are closed. He can feel his eyelids now, but they’re too heavy to open. He can hear what sounds like the faint beeping of a heart monitor. 

“Sehun-ah...Sehun-ah, I’m so sorry.”

Luhan sounds like he’s close to crying, and Sehun doesn’t understand why. Sehun wants to reach out and comfort him. Yet, his limbs feel just as heavy as his eyelids. 

“I never meant to hurt you. I need you to know that I-”

Luhan’s voice cuts off. Sehun strains his ears, trying to listen for him. But instead, he hears a rougher, deeper voice. 

“Hey, Sehun. It’s me, Chanyeol.”

He still doesn’t understand what’s happening or where he is. He remembers the New Year’s countdown, the shaving razor, the feeling of warm blood, and his vision turning hazy before everything faded to black. 

“Why would you do it? I thought we were past this. I thought you were stronger. Or maybe that’s what I tricked myself into thinking when I shut you out. I wasn’t...I wasn’t trying to hurt you when I ended it, but you hurt Baekhyun. You hurt him, and I just couldn’t stand the sight of you. You knew the entire time that I was still in love with him. You were always mocking my feelings because you knew I would never challenge you.”

Sehun feels a burning sensation in his chest when Chanyeol says Baekhyun’s name. 

Oh, he thinks, I get it now. It didn’t work, and I’m...still here. 

And Luhan is here. And Chanyeol is here.

The two men rejected and abandoned him. Sehun wants to scream. He misses both of them. But he also wants to be as far away as possible from Luhan and Chanyeol.

“You were damaged, and I tried to be gentle. I let you say whatever you want, do whatever you want without a second thought. My top priority was to take care of you. No matter what, I wanted to make you happy. You and I were very similar at the time; I understood exactly how you felt. I wanted to make sure that feeling didn’t last.”

Sehun won’t deny that he fell for Chanyeol. Sehun liked him a lot, but he didn’t love him. Yet, he grew jealous and possessive over Chanyeol. He wanted the other all to himself. And Chanyeol hadn’t seemed too far out of his reach. 

“But then I started to desire you. It made me feel dirty like I was sleeping with you for all the wrong reasons. I felt like I was using you. It was even worse when I began to realize that you had feelings for me. I was scared, and there was no denying what I noticed. Then, little by little, I got attached. We agreed beforehand that there wouldn’t be any strings involved in our relationship, but we spent so much time together that it would have been impossible for me to not feel anything for you.”

“I really did like you, Sehun, even when you were annoying at times. But I didn’t like you enough to get over Baekhyun. I didn’t like you enough to forgive you for hurting him. And I know saying this will hurt to hear, but there isn’t a world where the two of us can be together the way you wanted. I will always love Baekhyun. Me being your boyfriend would only be unfair to you. If I can’t give you my heart fully, then we can’t be together. You deserve better than that, Sehun. You deserve someone who will give you everything, and that someone can’t be me.”

It had been wrong for Sehun to assume that there was a reality where Chanyeol could have been his. 

Chanyeol always had a heart of gold. It would be difficult for anyone not to fall for him. He was selfless, compassionate, patient, genuine, and the kindest person Sehun had ever met. Even though Chanyeol was rejecting him all over again, he was so nice about it. 

“I was so convinced that you would be okay. I never thought that something like this could happen. I realize that I wasn’t there for you, especially when you needed me the most. It really seems like I abandoned you, doesn’t it? But just because I wasn’t there for you before, it doesn’t mean that I’m not here for you now. I’m here, Sehun. I’m here for you and I want to help. I’m not going to shut you out. It was my responsibility to look after you and care for you, but I have failed to do both. And for that, I am so, so sorry.” 

Chanyeol’s apologies sting. 

And, of course, he would blame himself for something like this. Sehun doesn’t hold the abandonment against him. He’d jumped to conclusions alone, not letting Chanyeol explain anything. Kyungsoo was the one who told Sehun why Chanyeol and Baekhyun came back to the dorm so late that night. First, they were having trouble with choreography. Then, they’d gotten in a fight, a physical and very emotional one. The hickeys on Chanyeol’s chest were actually bruises. Baekhyun had been on edge ever since the kiss incident and finally lost his temper. Chanyeol was the only one who came out of the fight hurt. He would never lay a finger on Baekhyun. 

Their friendship had been uncomfortable after the kiss, but fighting resolved everything. Chanyeol and Baekhyun were happy that everything was back to normal. EXO’s manager was thrilled as well. He took them out for dinner to celebrate their reconciliation. 

Sehun realizes that he should have been happy for Chanyeol too. Yet, he’d turned a blind eye to the rapper’s feelings again. He thought that Chanyeol was fine. Sleeping together was supposed to distract them from their emotions. Sure, Sehun thought about Luhan now and then, but he always convinced Chanyeol to take him to bed when this happened. Sleeping together was the perfect distraction. 

If Chanyeol still thought about Baekhyun, he did a good job of disguising it. How was Sehun supposed to know that Chanyeol missed him that much? The two of them talked about everything but their feelings. They didn’t need to have deep, emotionally involved conversations. 

There’s no room for feelings when you’re friends with benefits. Yet, Sehun still found space for Chanyeol in his heart. But, ultimately, Sehun’s feelings ruined their relationship.  

He should have known better. 

Chanyeol’s silent treatment was the price he had to pay for losing control over his emotions. Chanyeol isn’t to blame; Sehun brought everything upon himself. He knows this and feels utterly ashamed. 

“I know you feel like you don’t have anyone who cares about you. You think that no one loves you, but so many people do. Even though it’s not the love that you want, it’s still love. The other members, they’ve been here since last night. Your parents and brother rushed here too. We’ve all been hoping for the best for you. Even Luhan hyung flew from China just to see you. He’s here in the hospital, and I’m sure he wants to talk to you, Sehun….”

“Don’t ice him out anymore. You can’t keep dwelling on the way he rejected you. Luhan hyung hurt you, but you have to let that go. He wasn’t able to return your feelings then, and he probably still won’t be able to now, but he cares. He cares so much that he dropped everything to come and see you. If that’s not proof that someone loves you, I don’t know what is.”

All Sehun wanted was the kind of love he’d never received before. When Luhan didn’t return his feelings, Sehun sought attachment from Chanyeol. Chanyeol indulged him in intimacy, which had filled the void in his heart until it wasn’t enough anymore. 

Luhan’s rejection burned. It felt as though he’d made a mockery of Sehun’s feelings. 

He purposefully ignored all of the older’s attempts to contact him. Sehun didn’t want to be Luhan’s friend. If he couldn’t be loved back, then Sehun didn’t want Luhan in his life. The younger knew he wouldn’t be able to discard his feelings. The thought of continuing to love Luhan while the other knew of his feelings but only wanted to be friends seemed so unfair to Sehun. Sehun wasn’t a masochist; he wouldn’t be able to live with that kind of pain. 

So Sehun blocked Luhan on everything and even went as far as to change his number. He’d just continue loving Luhan from afar, carrying the weight of his feelings for the rest of his life. Perhaps his reasoning and actions had been juvenile, but Sehun still wanted to love Luhan. His affection for the older had become part of his identity. Sehun just wouldn’t be himself if he weren’t in love with Luhan anymore. 

“You survived, Sehun. Don’t waste this second chance.” 

Sehun feels something warm and soft brush against his cheek. He knows Chanyeol’s kisses all too well. He feels a twinge in his chest, but it quickly dulls into numbness. Sehun momentarily wonders if Chanyeol knew he wasn’t asleep. He can feel tears welling behind his closed eyes. 

He hears Baekhyun. 

“Yeol?”

“I’m tired, Baek. Let’s go back.” 

Sehun listens as the door closes and waits a few moments before exhaling loudly. 

Don’t waste this second chance. 

Sehun doesn’t want another chance. He wants to disappear. Chanyeol’s words hadn’t made him feel any better. And Luhan being in Seoul just makes everything worse. 

He hears the sound of another door and light footsteps against the floor. He knows that it’s Luhan. 

Warm fingertips caress Sehun’s cheek. His eyelids flutter open at the feeling of the gentle touch. 

Luhan breathes shakily as he cups Sehun’s face in his hands. The older’s eyebrows are furrowed in concern, and Sehun can see the worry lines on his forehead. His eyes are red and full of tears. Luhan looks upset, angry, and relieved all at the same time. 

Sehun can’t stand the weight of Luhan’s gaze. He wants to turn away but can’t muster the strength to do so. The look in the older’s eyes says, “I’m sorry.” He sits beside Sehun on the hospital bed, the mattress dipping slightly. The warmth of Luhan’s body is comforting. The older brushes his fingers over Sehun’s bangs, pushing his hair away from his face. 

The maknae doesn’t speak, and neither does Luhan. So they stare at each other in the darkness of the hospital room, Luhan with tears streaming down his face, and Sehun unable to look away. The silence is deafening, and Sehun hates it. Luhan looks like he has something to say but holds it in. 

Sehun infers that Luhan hid in the bathroom while Chanyeol was talking. This means that he heard everything. Sehun doesn’t know if he’s more embarrassed or upset. Surely, his dirty secrets hadn’t done anything to improve Luhan’s perception of him. But in the end, did that matter? Luhan wasn’t a part of Sehun’s life anymore. 

Luhan rubs his thumb against Sehun’s cheek. And finally, he breaks the silence. 

“I know I’m probably the last person you want to see,” he says quietly. He’s gazing directly into Sehun’s eyes, but there’s a faraway look in his eyes. “So… I’ll leave if you tell me to.”

The younger recalls what Chanyeol said about Luhan earlier.  He cares so much that he dropped everything to come and see you. 

“If somehow you find yourself wanting me to stay,” Luhan begins saying, and then leans in, his warm breath fanning across Sehun’s cheeks. “I won’t ever leave your side.”

That’s all it takes for Sehun to crack.

“After all this time, I’m still a joke to you?” Sehun says, practically choking out each word because of how hoarse his throat is.

He can see Luhan trembling from his reaction. The older looks at a loss for words now. 

Sehun gathers all his strength and sits up in the bed. Changing his position is not easy nor painless. His bones ache from the movement, and his vision blurs. He sways to the side, but Luhan catches him and holds him tightly. Sehun struggles to get out of his grasp. 

“Let go of me,” Sehun says, his voice breaking as he starts to cry. “You’re just here because you feel guilty.” 

“Sehun, no. I just--”

“I missed you,” the maknae snaps. He stops trying to break free of Luhan’s hold. “I loved you. I still love you.” The words taste bitter on his tongue. 

Luhan holds him closer. “I missed you too,” he admits.  

Suddenly, the door bursts open, startling both of them. 

All of the EXO members, except for Chanyeol and Baekhyun, rush into the room. Each member wears a look of concern, relief, or a combination of both. They huddle around the hospital bed.

Chen throws himself at the maknae. “Are you an idiot?” He says harshly but has tears in his eyes as he hugs Sehun. “Do you know how worried we were?” Sehun winces at the volume of the other’s voice.

Suho is fighting back his tears. He steps forward and places a hand on Sehun’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t realize how you were feeling. I hope you can forgive me.”

“Suho hyung-”

“Why would you do something like that, Sehun?” Kai cries as he holds on to Kyungsoo for support. Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, but gazes at Sehun with sad eyes. 

Lay is the loudest. His entire body shakes as he weeps, and his tears are soaking the collar of his shirt. Xiumin pulls over a chair. He tries to convince Lay to sit down, but the other resists. He attempts to speak but sobs instead. Finally, Xiumin forces him into the chair.

Xiumin turns to Sehun and speaks in a gentle tone. “Lay’s the one who found you. He’s relieved you’re okay now, but he wishes he went into the bathroom sooner. He feels guilty even though we keep telling him that he’s the reason you’re still here with us.”

Sehun is overwhelmed by how many people are in the room. He wants to apologize for making them worry but also feels the urge to scream and tell them all to leave. Luhan notices his discomfort and clears his throat. 

“I think we should let Sehun-ah rest now. He still needs to recover,” Luhan says, getting off the bed. He looks reluctant to go. 

The others agree. After wishing Sehun well and promising to visit him later, they all file out the door. Luhan is the last to leave. He walks back to Sehun’s bedside and wraps his arms around the younger, pulling him into a hug. Admittedly, he feels at home in the older's arms.

“Sehun-ah,” he says softly. “I’m staying until you tell me to go.”

Luhan pulls back. His lips are dry, and his eyes are puffy from crying. Sehun wants to tell him to leave and never come back to Korea. But for some reason, all he says is, “Okay.”

Back in their hospital room, Baekhyun and Chanyeol lay next to each other in the bed. Chanyeol’s head rests on the vocalist’s shoulder. With his unbroken hand, Chanyeol mindlessly plays with Baekhyun’s fingers. The rapper has been quiet since he visited Sehun. 

“What do you need, Yeol?” Baekhyun asks the taller, lacing their fingers together so that they’re holding hands. He gives Chanyeol’s hand a light squeeze. 

Chanyeol turns to look up at him. He smiles and says, “A kiss~” He puckers his lips and pushes his face closer to Baekhyun's. 

Baekhyun rolls his eyes at the taller’s response. “You’re silly.”

When Chanyeol realizes that the vocalist isn’t going to kiss him, he pouts. “You’re not going to kiss me?”

“I’m being serious, Yeol.”

“And I seriously need you to kiss me, Baek.”

The vocalist laughs and leans in, pressing his lips against Chanyeol’s. He grasps the back of the rapper’s head and pulls him closer. Chanyeol smiles into the kiss. 

Baekhyun’s heart skips a beat, and he can feel warmth spreading across his chest. I could get used to this, he thinks. But, when he pulls away, Chanyeol pouts again. 

“Your lips are so dry, Chanyeol.”

“Then let me use your saliva as lip balm,” the taller suggests. There’s a mischievous glint in his eyes. 

The vocalist playfully flicks Chanyeol’s forehead. The other’s antics never fail to amuse Baekhyun. 

“Ow!” Chanyeol whines. “You can’t do that! I’m already injured,” he says, lifting his bandaged hand. 

“Fine, fine. I’m sorry,” Baekhyun says, rolling his eyes again. Then, he gently takes hold of Chanyeol’s injured hand and gently kisses each of his knuckles. When he’s done, the vocalist holds on to Chanyeol’s wrist and looks him directly in the eyes. 

“I know you’re trying not to make me worry by acting like you’re okay. It’s not working. I think I’m even more worried now. So please tell me what’s on your mind, Yeol. I want to help you.”

“Let’s go on a date,” Chanyeol says, not missing a beat. 

“Chanyeol-”

“It doesn’t have to be now. We both know it’s not the right time, but I really want to take you on a date, Baekhyun. I need to properly confess my affection for you.” 

The tone of Chanyeol’s voice and the way he’s looking at Baekhyun makes the shorter blush. Baekhyun feels shy all of a sudden. He hadn’t expected the other to say something like that. 

“I’d love to go on a date with you,” Baekhyun tells the rapper. He smiles sweetly, his eyes crinkling up at the corners. The taller smiles back happily. 

“Perfect.” Chanyeol leans in and pecks the tip of Baekhyun’s nose. 

There’s a knock at the door, and both of them turn in the direction of it. “Chanyeol? Baekhyun? It’s Luhan.”

Baekhyun glances back at the rapper, just in time to see his expression fall. The vocalist squeezes his uninjured hand. 

“Can I come in?” Luhan calls from the other side of the door. 

“Yeah,” the rapper responds. “Come in.”

Their former bandmate enters the room and closes the door behind him. Luhan’s eyes flit between the two of them on the bed and linger on their connected hands. 

“Was I interrupting something?” Luhan asks. “I can come back later if…”

Baekhyun blushes and tries to disguise his embarrassment with a fake cough. “No, no. It’s fine,” he manages to tell Luhan. Chanyeol nods in agreement, even though he looks like he wants to say, Yes, you’re very much interrupting. 

“It’s been a while,” Chanyeol says. “I heard you ran away from your wedding.”

Baekhyun wants to slap him. “Yeol, I don’t think that’s appropria-”

Luhan stops him. “It’s okay, Baekhyun. I realize that my actions were irresponsible. But I know that everyone back home will understand the situation...once I tell them.”

Both Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s eyes widen in surprise. Luhan sighs when he sees the looks they’re giving him. 

“We can get back to that later. But right now, you and I need to talk, Chanyeol,” Luhan says, a tone of nervousness seeping into his voice. “You need to tell me everything that’s happened with Sehun since I’ve been gone.”

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another update! yay! i have two weeks left of school and so many things due ;A;

i wanted some fluffy baekyeol, so i wrote some lol