Seungri keep his face press to TOP’s chiseled chest so that TOP couldn’t see his change expression. He can’t deal with with anymore trauma in one day. Can’t deal TOP tell him that he didn’t love him.

‘There’s nothing to say. I think we should check on Yeonjun...’

‘He’s fine.’ TOP pull Seungri slightly away from him so that he was force to look at him.

‘I never feel fear as I feel tonight.’

Hearing the change in TOP’s voice made Seungri push down his own feelings. It was selfish of him to think of himself. TOP must feel shock too.

‘It must been terrible for you being so afraid for Yeonjun.’

‘I was not only afraid for my little brother.’ TOP hold Seungri’s face and their eyes meet. The expression in TOP’s eyes made Seungri catch his breath.

‘Seunghyun—’

‘Don’t speak.’ TOP put his fingers on Seungri’s mouth. ‘There are things I need to say to you and I need to say it without interruption. I owe you a forgiveness.’ His voice is thick.

‘When we first meet, I treat you cold and harsh. I made everything so hard for you and I feel shame when I remember it.’

‘You don’t need to do that. I thought your actions that time was because of our circumstances.’

‘I should ask you more questions. I should have guess the reason you runaway from the palace. But I being blind by our family history. And I can’t forgive myself because of that.’

‘I probably won’t tell you if you ask me that time,’ Seungri mumble. ‘And you treat me well despite everything my father has done to your family.’

‘You not responsible for the sins your father did.’

‘But you don’t know that. You act base on what happened to your family. You were protecting your family. It’s one of things I love about you.’ The words slip out without thought and Seungri saw TOP’s eyes turn dark. ‘Respect and admire you,’ he said quickly.

‘I meant that is one of the things I respect and admire about you.’

‘Is that what you meant?’

‘Yes.’ Seungri feel trap, he want to turn away his head, but TOP had caught his chin and gently forced  him to look at him.

‘You insist that we should have honesty in this relationship. You never afraid to tell me the truth before. You never afraid to tell me that I was wrong to trust Onew. You tell me that I should not keep Yeonjun a secret from you. So why you are afraid to tell me the truth about your feelings?’

Why? Because he was not sure if he can handle his answer.

‘We promise not to mix feelings when we married.’

‘That’s true. But life goes on—as we have discovered. People change. Feelings change. Pain we believe we can’t endure, we somehow learn to live with it. Although I’m happy to hear you say you respect and admire me, but I know it’s not the first thing in your mind.’ TOP’s voice turn husky, he look down into Seungri’s eyes. ‘Tell me the truth why you awake last night?’

‘I can’t sleep.’ Seungri seem hypnotize by TOP’s penetrating eyes.

‘Why you can’t you sleep?’

It was clear that TOP was not going to drop the subject, so Seungri give up. Its exhausted to fight him, to keep fighting his own feeling.

‘Because I missed you. Because I love you.’ It was a surprising relief to able to say it. A relief to finally acknowledge the emotions he been holding back.

‘I decided not to tell you but you has forced the subject and I hope it doesn’t make things awkward between us.’

‘Why would it make things awkward?’

‘Because I know you still love your wife. Our marriage was about political arrangement. We both know that.’

‘It’s true it begin that way, but sometimes it’s not important how it’s begins than how it ends.’

Ends?

It was shocking to know how quickly happiness can turn to misery. ‘You want to end it?’

‘No! I do not want to end it. Not ever. I’m trying to tell you that things between us have change. Everything has change. Including my feelings to you.’ TOP pull Seungri against him.

‘This is the important conversation of my life and I’m making a mess of it. What I’m trying to tell you is that I love you too.’

Seungri could hear the steady heartbeat when TOP press him against his chest. TOP love him. Heat spread through him, driving away the insecurities that had been part of him since the first day his arrived.

TOP ease Seungri away from him so that he could see his face. ‘I love Daesung. That is the fact that will never change. We were best friend, we grow up together. He will always be part of my life.’ He frowned.

‘And then I lost him—’

Seungri slid his arms round TOP’s waist, feeling his pain as his own now. ‘You don’t have to tell me.’

‘But I want to. Since I meet you it’s been easier to talk about it. I was trapped in my old life, glued to those memories because moving on without him feel too hard. And then I met you.’

‘And our first night...’

‘I felt guilty.’ TOP’s voice was soft. ‘I feel like I betray his memories. Not just because I was with you, but I don’t expect that what we share that night would be so special. And I don’t know how to handle those feelings.’

‘I don’t expect you to love me. I don’t expect to fall in love with you,’ Seungri confessed. ‘I never love anyone except my brother. I never feel like this until that night I meet you for the first time.’

‘You’re so brave. I remember you come here with only two books with you.’ TOP's eyes gleamed and Seungri feel his cheecks hot.

‘You teach me everything. It would been nice if I could teach you something in return.’

‘You have.’ TOP lift his hand and touch Seungri’s cheek. ‘You have teach me about life and love. That there is always hope. And you teach me how to love again. I don't think I will allow another person into my life. But instead of force me, you just accepted me as I was and don’t try and change that.’

‘I won’t change anything. I know you love your wife.’

‘It’s true, but I also learned that loving you doesn’t make what I feel about Daesung fade away. It take me a while to accept my feelings for you without feeling guilty. Daesung was part of my past and you are my future.’

Seungri swallowed hard. ‘When I proposed to you that night I was not thinking about love. All I want was your respect and protection. I use you as escape from the life I had and because I know without me Kim Jong Kook can’t be the King. I didn’t expect anything more. I didn’t expect you to notice so much about me and be so caring. You think you were hard on me, but there were many times when you try to make my life easier. You notice that I was scared of the dogs and you keep them away from me—’ Seungri choke. ‘No one has ever done anything like that for me before. No one has ever want to protect me.’

‘I feel very impressed by your determination to face everything you fear. Particularly on riding my horse.’

‘I’m lucky your horse is very tolerant. I wonder if he know that he was part of our escape plan.’ Seungri let out a half smile. ‘And Charlie and Boss too.’

‘You face all your nightmares in one night,’ TOP said dryly, his fingers moving gently as he Seungri’s cheek.

‘My biggest fear is that something bad happen to Yeonjun. I love him. I can't allow anyone to hurt him.’

‘He told me that you turn this whole thing into a game so that he would not feel scared.’ TOP seem hesitate to continue his words.

‘When I see him he ask me if you can be his real hyung.’

Seungri feel emotion stuck in his throat. ‘But....’

‘One of my biggest mistake. I told you not to think yourself as family.’ TOP’s handsome face was turn slightly pale. ‘I shouldn’t say that. I hope you can forgive me.’

‘You were in terrible situation that time, being forced to marry me and.....’ Seungri broke off because his vision was now blurred by tears. ‘Do you know what I think? I think I like what you said just now, about separating the past and the future. Can we do that?’

TOP pull Seungri closer. ‘I didn’t think I would ever feel this happy again.’

‘Me too.’ Seungri retun to hug TOP tightly. ‘I love you. I love you so much.’

TOP brought his face closer to Seungri’s face, their mouth is closer with each other. ‘I think I will never grow tired hearing you say that.’

‘It was Junsu who noticed my feeling for you.’

TOP’s smile. ‘Junsu is the master of interfering others lives.’

‘I was very confused. I don’t know how to live with those feelings without sharing the feeling with you. He is the one who say that I should be myself. Just me. And you deserved to know the real me.’

‘And I fall in love with the real you.’

TOP's lowered his forehead and connected with Seungri's forehead. Seungri slid his arms around TOP's neck, dizzy with the feelings inside him.

‘Can you say that again? Just one more time? I need to keep hear it.’ Seungri whisperer.

‘I will say it many times. I love you. I will love you forever,’ TOP breath as he gather Seungri against him. ‘You are my life, my love.’

Seungri is feeling the happiest than he ever had in his life before. He pray in his heart that he will able to share his feeling with his twin, Jonghun, one day.

bow 90 degree..thank you for reading my crap