When I hear Key scream my heart skips a beat. Kibum doesn’t like others to know but I know that he is fragile. I run into his room and he is crying or should I say bawling and about to hit the wall again. I grab his had and he falls to the ground. My heart drops I have only seen him cry this hard once that night in the hotel when I told him we were over. I have always felt awful for leaving him like that. I did love him and I do still love him in a way. I fall to the ground with him and pull his face up so his eyes meet mine. He says one thing that makes me fall apart inside. “Jonghyun I loved her and she left me. I loved my grandmother and she is gone too. I loved you and you left me. I don’t know what to do. She’s gone. Grandma is gone, and you left me.” I want for a moment to run back to him to tell him I am back and he will never lose me again. I want to hold him like I used to and make him feel loved or at this time make him feel something. I want to be everything for him that he wants and needs, but I can’t. I love Taemin and that is a fact. I can’t live without Taemin. I need Taemin there is a reason I left Key and it was for that man. Key is pounding on my chest and I want him to hit me harder. I want him to beat me so you can’t even recognize me. I deserve to be beat for the way I treated him I deserve to be abandoned and to not have love. “I’m sorry.” This is all I can say. Key is shaking so bad because of the cold so I move him to the bed and hold him in my arms. The only person I can think of right now though is the boy I left in the kitchen. He must hate me right now. All this time I have been leaving him to be with Kibum can’t make him feel good. The next thing I know Key is pressing his lips to mine. I push him away a little slower than what I should have. I honestly wanted to kiss Kibum again just to remember what it felt like because I have forgotten. The feeling of his bowed shaped lips on mine took me back to happy days for both of us. I want him to be able to feel the joy that he did back then. I regret this thought as soon as it crosses my mind. I love Taemin I reassure myself. I didn’t feel anything in the kiss except regret and sadness and I sense it is the same for Kibum because he just starts crying again. I need to be more sensitive to him but I can’t the more I feel bad for him the more I mistake it for feelings. I just keep whispering, “I’m sorry.” I fall asleep, which is unusual for me. I can only fall asleep with two men in this world and that is Taemin and Kibum. They both bring a sense of comfort that I never have when I try to sleep alone. When I wake up I am alone I panic for a moment then I think to myself Key has probably just gone to the bathroom. The next person that crawls into bed with me is not Key but Taemin. A wave of guilt washes over me. He tries to snuggle up to me but I pull away. The guilt I feel is overwhelming. I don’t deserve him. I hear him talking but I don’t understand anything until I hear him ask if he has done something wrong and that is the last thing I want him to think so I pull him close. I can cover up what happened with Key. No one has to know but Key and I. “No just waking up. It has been a long few days.” I say to him and the fact is that the statement is so true it ways on me. We tease each other about not wanting to be around the other and then thing escalate. We have and I let him have me. I want him to be mean and hurt me but of course he doesn’t why would he? He doesn’t know anything. In fact he seams to be really into it tonight and sends off a sense of pride in what he can do to me. I don’t deserve him. I deserve to be alone. I am such a bad person I just had with my boyfriend on my ex boyfriends bed. I am seriously messed up. “ Can we go to my room?” I ask not wanting to be in here anymore. I see a look of panic cross his face and I am confused. Why is he scared to go to my room? Is there something in there he doesn’t want me to see? “Lets just go to my room.” He says. “I thought Key was in your room?” I ask not understanding his logic. I feel like he is hiding something. “I don’t think Key actually went to sleep.” He tells me and I know he is telling the truth. Taemin is a bad liar. Knowing this makes me feel better so, I just agree and we go to his room and we start making out. The next think I know is Onew is knocking on the door. I am in the zone and have finally been able to block everything that happened out when he walks in and insists on talking to me. Everything that has happened floods through my head again if Onew is insisting on talking to me at a time like this it must be important. We go to the living room and he pushes me to tell him that Key and I kissed last night. I don’t understand why he has to know. It would be better if this were all kept a secret. My irritation is overwhelming until he says something I didn’t expect. He asked me a question I didn’t even think of. Did Key feel something when we kissed? I don’t know and I feel bad again. I just assumed he didn’t because he started crying and saying sorry but, what if he did? How do I fix that? I try to brush off everything really fast and Jinki lets me go. When I get back to Taemin he is still on the bed. I go and straddle him and try to pick up where we left of but he pushes me away and tells me the moment is gone. I lay and try to cuddle him but sometimes he gets in these moods where he doesn’t want to be touched and I guess now is one of those times. I get up and go back into the Kitchen Kibum is there. I don’t know what to do. I can tell he feels awkward about the situation as well. I can’t be with Taemin. I can’t be with Key. I don’t know what to do so I decide to go for a walk. I replay what has happened in the last few days. Everything has gone by so fast. Chloe left, Minho and Amber told everyone they were together, Key and I kissed, and Taemin seams upset with me. While thinking about this I for some reason end up at the library. This is where Key and I used to come to get some alone time. It seams weird but it was close to the dorm and it was semi private. On the third floor there are these study cubicles we use to come here and go to one of the corner cubicles and make out and talk for hours. I decide to go in I don’t know why but I walk here for some reason hidden inside my self so I have to go in. I go to our cubicle there on the wall is still our code names we gave ourselves because we wanted to be like the couples in the movies and write our names together but we couldn’t use our real names. The names were Bonnie and Clyde how boring. The names are faded but still there just like our love faded but still there in a way. It was kind of exciting my relationship with Key. We always had to sneak around and not get caught. The wave of guilt comes back as I think of Taemin. I don’t know what is going on with me. I love Taemin I do he is the one for me. I leave the library and head back to the dorm on my way back I decide that I am leaving everything in that cubicle. I kissed Key but that is over I didn’t feel anything and neither did he. I know I am trying to convince myself of this and for some reason it isn’t working. When I get back it is like all hell has broke loose. I hear Taemin screaming, “HOW COULD YOU KISS HIM?? I KNOW YOU HAD A THING BUT HE IS MINE!!! I WON!!! YOU NEED TO MOVE ON! I KNOW CHLOE LEFT AND ALL BUT STAY AWAY!” I hear his voice crack as he starts to cry. I also hear Key sobbing. I run into the room before I even think. When I get there I stop dead in my tracks. I am in between the 2 men I love the most in this world and they are fighting. I realize I can do nothing to stop it. I fall down on my knees right there in the middle of the floor and join them in crying. Taemin screams at either Key or I or both of us, “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME??? YOU KNEW I WAS INSICURE!! YOU KNEW HOW MUCH I PUT INTO THIS RELASHIONSHIP AND YOU THROW IT ALL AWAY IN 1 SECOND!!! DO I MEAN ANYTHING????” My crying turns to sobbing just like Kibum I can’t comfort either of them I have hurt the 2 men I love the most and there is nothing I can do. Why am I still here I need to leave. I get up to leave the room because I am worthless and I can’t look either or them in the eye. Just as I am about to enter the kitchen I see Jinki walking towards me. I only register that he is not happy for a second before I am knocked on my back by a fist to my face. Jinki is actually the strongest of all of us and is able to knock me down with just one blow. The next thing I know Jinki is yelling at me to stand up. In confusion I follow his instructions. Why is he so mad? “What did I do?” I ask no longer crying because of my internal pain but my external pain. “Are you kidding me? What did I do? You go off and kiss your ex and try to hide it from your boyfriend and don’t even think about how vulnerable Key is right now to fake feelings. Yet you aren’t taking a stand for your boyfriend and showing Key that what happened meant nothing and he needs to move on. You are giving him false hope and hurting Taemin at the same time. What did I do? Ask that again and you will get punched. Get out there and say something.” I am almost positive he said all of that without taking a breath so I am amazed and his ability. What am I doing? I am not comforting Taemin which is probably hurting him more because it shows I don’t want to hurt Key and that probably makes him more insecure. I head towards the living room to defend Taemin, but something about that feels wrong to me. Key is hurting right now and I don’t want to add to that pain. Onew beats me to the living room and starts to rip on Taemin. I fall down on the floor again I can’t do it I can’t defend Taemin because it will hurt Key and I can’t defend Key because it will hurt Taemin. “YOU KNOW KEY IS HURTING RIGHT NOW HOW COULD YOU BE SUCH A BASTARD??” I listen to Jinki yell at Taemin and it rips me apart. I hear Kibum’s sobbing go silent. I hear someone hit the ground I crawl to the living room to see who it was. It is Taemin he is on the floor crying now. I want to rush to him but I don’t have the strength. I watch from a distance as my love cries in the shadow of our leader. Key is in the corner with his ears covered. “You need to get you together.” Jinki says as he leaves the room.
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