The first thing you do when you wake up before anything around the room is touching and feeling your stomach. You run your hand over your belly and you notice that it’s not as bloated as before. This is a bad dream. You think as you slowly lift yourself up with a groan of pain.

You realize that your other hand is being held down by someone else’s hand. You look at the hand and you find yourself staring at MyungSoo’s sleeping form. His body will hurt. You think as you run your fingers through his hair. He stirs and opens his eyes, you analyze his face and you frown at the dull look in his eyes.

“Are you alright?” You ask as you rub your stomach. “Where am I?” You question fearfully.

“…” He blinks at you and shake his head. “Hospital.” He ever so slowly sits up and his hand reaches out to touch you but you hold his hand down and you give him a look.

“Why am I here?” You demand firmly and he turns away, his lips form into a thin line and his expression is dark, you don’t like his current expression. “…our baby is okay, right?” You ask him quietly. “Myungie…?” You swallow when he turns to look at you, you see the pain in his eyes and you shake your head in denial not wanting to admit the truth.

“They tried.” He gives your hand a squeeze and your eyes widen at his statement, you throw his hand off yours and you hold your hand close to your chest.

“You’re lying,” You whisper as you place your free hand on your stomach. “This is a – a joke, right?” You choke out and you continue feeling your stomach. “It’s not the same,” You blink back tears, “It’s not as firm as it was…” You notice the IV drips on your wrist and you stare at them in disbelief. The very familiar hospital beeping sounds you hear in movies from machines fills your ears; you look around the white room and tears rush out faster than you can blink.

“Please tell me – ” You gasp when you feel strong arms wrap themselves around you, you’re too frozen to react. You slowly place your head between his shoulder and neck, your arms weakly wrap themselves around his waist and you sob. Sobs of the pain and grief – shock – you’re feeling escape from your lips and the sobs get louder each passing minute. His embrace gets tighter as your sobs get even louder.

You fail to control your trembling form and the sobs get to the point where you can barely breathe. Breathing gets difficult and your lungs start screaming for air but your heavy sobbing is making everything impossible.

You grip MyungSoo’s shirt tightly as first before the grip turns weak. You hear him whispering a few words in your ears but of course, you’re not focusing on anything, you don’t want to face reality.

The baby is gone.

And that is the harsh truth. The information sinks in and breaks your whole world apart, into a million tiny pieces. Just as quick as he or she was discovered, it left, just like that. You hold MyungSoo’s shirt tighter and you sniffle messily. Was it a girl or was it a boy?

You’ll never know the answer to that now. Who would the baby take after? Me or him? You shake your head to get rid of the thoughts.

A failure. That’s what you are, that is what you believe you are and it hurts. “Get out,” You say through your sobs, you take in a deep breath and you pull your face from its resting place. You bring your hands to your face and you wipe the tears away but they seem endless. “P – please…” You swallow hard when MyungSoo tightens his hold on you.

“Baby,” He says and you shake your head to silence him. You know he’s trying to think of a way to comfort you and he knows that words won’t heal the hollow hole you have. You feel that if he says anything comforting, it’ll be like adding salt to a fresh wound. He hates me. He hasto hate me for not being strong enough. How can I lose our baby?

“P – please,” You whimper brokenly, “Please, M – MyungSoo.” He is hurting as much as you are but you just want to be alone, to think – to be alone.

We’ve both lost something precious; he needs just as much comfort as I do. MyungSoo slowly pulls away from you and you feel his eyes on you. You look up at him and stare into them; they aren’t as intimidating as they usually are. They’re dull and lifeless. A wave of pain passes through his eyes and you know he’s trying to keep his emotions in check. He lifts your chin and he carefully, almost hesitantly, he rubs your cheek before he presses his forehead against yours.

“I love you.” He whispers and you flinch at the three words.

“You’re lying.” You hate yourself for saying that and reacting that way. You’re not yourself anymore; you don’t feel like you are yourself. Everything is just too much for you to take in and you feel like suffocating when you see the sincerity in his eyes when he says he loves you. You believe it but your mouth is running on your current emotions; pain and self-hate.

“Please leave,” You whisper trying to get him out of the room before you say something you’ll later regret to him. He leans back before he leans in again to give you a kiss or peck but you turn after before he can stopping him halfway.

“Ok,” You hear the hurt in his voice and you clench your fists weakly at your sides. “I’ll be right outside – call out to me if you need me.” He steps away from you, away from the bed and he turns his back to you. You stare at his back as he walks over to the door and you lay on the pillows when you hear the doorknob turn. You stare at the ceiling and tears find their way out of your tightly shut eyes.

Self-hate.

 You look over at MyungSoo and you swallow. You reach out for him even though he can't see you. Before he steps out of the room, you call out to him. "Myungie?" You wince when you feel a sudden wave of pain and a headache forming. "Stay." You whisper in a hushed voice as tears stream down your cheeks.

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YAY FOR CHRISTMAS BREAK 'till somewhere in Jan 2012. AND NOBODY KILLS/STABS ME, GOT IT?! LOL KILL ME AND CANNIBALS WILL BE UNDER YOUR BED LMAO jk. Silent Steps will be moving with this, so no updates for this until Silent Steps reaches its 20th chapter, oppies that's not soon LOLOL besides I'm stuck on what to do next with this, gives me more time to think. Merry Christmas and a happy new year! [ImadayearlyIknow] Until Next Time :] /I'll look for somewhere safe to hide. I sense a dark aura here LOL.