When you entered the dorm, you expected to find the apartment dark and silent (actually, you hoped it would be like that). Instead, the lights were all on, the guys still gathered in the living room, the youngest however was fast asleep. Jongup and Daehyun weren’t there either. One of them must be in the shower, you could hear the water flowing. Or both of them were, either could be.

Blinking, you watched Youngjae slowly standing up with his eyes on you and it took you aback as you saw how strong his gaze was. Without him having to tell you, you knew that he wanted to talk. So you gave the rest of the members a clueless glance before following him into his room. The emptiness on their faces made your insides twist in nervousness.

As the door closed shut, you gasped out when you found yourself being caged between Youngjae and the wood, your heart jumped to your throat by the surprise. A little bit of space separated you two, with him prodding his hands flat against the door, leaning on it with his arms stretched out, head hanging loose, his gaze directed to the ground in front of yours.

You didn’t dare to say anything, too confused why he made such a move. So you waited for him to sort out what he wanted to say. Even with the space, you could feel a bit of his body warmth, his scent teasing you, preventing you to calm down. It was nerve wrecking, honestly. The air was so tense and heavy. It was no wonder then that you jumped in your spot when he let out a sigh and straightened up, locking your eyes with his. They were torn, stormy and broken. His hand reached out for your glasses, taking them off your nose, clasping them together and threw them lightly to his bed where they landed perfectly on the centre.

You blinked. That was surprising and unexpected. The next thing that happened was a full blow, with him holding your face gently between his large palms and lips crashing on yours the next second. Your breath caught in your throat by the soft feel of his mouth on yours and you wanted to push him away. Really. It was too sudden, too unexpected, too fast. There were still lots of things to say before this step could be taken.

But your body betrayed you, turning into mush in his palms, leaning more into his touch. And when you tasted the frustration, the desperation and worry on his lips, you started to kiss him back, your lids shutting close with you trying to return all the emotions pent up inside you back. Absently, your hands went to his collar, pulling him fully on you, causing him to press you into the door by the force, feeling the heat, the beat of each other’s blood, pulse and heart.

It wasn't that soft, lovely marshmallow, angels singing in the background kind of kiss. This one was desperate, pained, apologetic and breath-taking. Though it was so wrong, it still felt so right in this moment. His left hand titled your head more to the side, giving him a better angle while the other palm slid to the back of your neck, pulling you closer to him, kissing you harder, deeper. And you shuddered pleasantly to the small patterns his thumb drew on your skin.

Your brain shut off completely, your focus only on his plump, soft lips against your own. There was no room in thinking how to kiss him back. You followed your instincts, doing what might be right. He bit your bottom lip once, enough to cause your knees to buckle slightly and your grip on the fabric around his neck tighten. The kiss lasted long, until both of you were out of breath, only then the two of you pulled away from each other, breathing harshly into each other’s mouth. By then, your eyes were coated with salty tears, ready to fall over.

You didn’t look up. You didn’t want to but those long fingers on you forced you to, his gaze keeping you captive in an instant, his orbs giving you the confirmation of what the kiss has told you before. He knew. And your world crashed by it.

“I’m sorry”

“Don’t”, you breathed out with difficulties, shaking your head desperately, heart squeezing painfully.

“Please, I—“

“If you’re worried about me telling other people—“

“No! That’s not it!”, his voice rose as he denied instantly, his body becoming rigid, cold and hollow, his blood felt like it froze in his veins.  

“Then what is?”, you cried, hot tears finally falling over your cheeks, cracking his heart in process,  “if you already know, why the kiss then? Should that convince me to shut up?”, a hurt, disbelief laugh escaped your lips, his body flinched heavily to it. Your voice turned thick, coming out only as a thin whisper, “am I that low to you?”

You shove him off, but he stayed rooted, not budging, his grip being a bit firmer but never hurting. It somehow angered you. You glared at him as hard as you could, not identifying his face fully thanks to the hot liquid. You shook your head in protest as his fingers started to wipe them off your cheeks, squirming violently.

A thick lump stuck in his throat, his eyes were restless, brows creased deeply, watching your bare face with your cheeks wet with tears, flowing because of him. He never imagined this to be, to hurt you so deeply, it numbed him. It felt like a part of him has been ripped out of him. It was suffocating, knowing he was the cause of all your pain.

“I never thought low of you”, he chocked out, voice low and laced with pain, “it felt wrong by the thought of manipulating you”

“And you still did”, you deadpanned, deeply hurt and he bit hard on his lip to stop a pained sound to come out.

“I did”, he admitted in regret with a dry throat, his heart breaking by the broken expression on your face, “but the plan went out of control when I slowly sought out for you”, his eyes drilling into yours, making sure you see his honesty and all emotions you stirred out of him. And they took a hold of you. Never have you seen a guy look at you like that and you found yourself being still, listen to him uncertainly.

“Suddenly, I just wanted to be near you all the time because you made me feel like a human again, reminding me that I don’t always need to be perfect”, he swallowed hard, wetting his lips afterward, “the guys and I were drowned in this work, accepting the fact that we won’t see our family for almost a year, working hard until we collapse, getting ahead of ourselves. It’s hard. Seeing the same faces the whole time. We.. actually had a fight on the day you appeared, leaving the company no choice to give us a free day because we couldn’t function well”

His thumb ghosted over the skin under your eye, his orbs softening in pain, “it was too late for us. But you, in your own honest way, brought us back to our feet. You took care of us without any expectations of return. And we selfishly took it. Blindly without thinking about it, about you”

Slowly, you shook your head again, refusing to let any of his words affect you, “how can you be so sure that I was sincere? I could do all those things for my own good will. With bad intentions”

He could only smile faintly to that, “you don’t. Even when you were angry, you only harmed yourself. To the point where you stopped eating from our money”

Your eyes widen by that. He noticed? You were so sure that neither of them cared. 

“I stupidly noticed that too late”, his brows creased together in sadness, feeling your cheekbones under his fingertips, “you lost so much weight because of us”, he whispered, the rawness in his voice took your breath away but then the tone got stronger, honest, “I know we’re not good for you. But I can’t ignore what we have. Of what we can have. You and me”

The breath came out of you in shallow steps, your heart leaping, your chest hurting, fingers gripping on him too strongly, scrunching his shirt, not that either of you minded. You wanted to believe him so much because those emotions in his eyes and the words he spilled out, looking so true and sounding so sincere. But how could you? There was still that doubt in the back of your head and you were sure it won’t go away that easily. It tore you, suffocating you and you could do nothing else but to shake your head in desperation with a sob, sliding down the door as the will to stand left you.

Youngjae followed your movement, neither of you wanted to let go of each other, holding onto another for dear life. In the end you sat on his tights with him kneeling on the floor, your legs hanging on either of his sides, your shoulder blades leaning against the wood, his forehead resting on yours.  

“What do you know about me?”, you hitched out, avoiding his eyes with your brows furrowed, still shaking your head.

“Enough for wanting you with me”, he answered strongly, eyes set on your face, “I know I’m not the only one with this feelings”, he murmured certainly and your lids snapped up, staring straight into those chocolate orbs of his, fresh tears rising up, “you would’ve fight more if you didn’t want this”

“How do I know that you’re being sincere, Youngjae? Even if I forgive you, how can I tell that you’re not playing with me?”

“Because we both want it, you and I. Give me a chance. Give us a chance. Don’t let us dwell in regrets in the future. Let me show you. Please, as long as—“

His pleading was like a slap to you. It overwhelmed you. So much that you shushed him with another desperate mash of lips, your arms wounding around his neck this time, your back arching into him, allowing him to bring his own arms around your body, your chests colliding without room between your bodies. The kiss was salty, more slippery this time, soaking wet with your tears but that didn’t stop either of you