Naeun

Stranger in this lonely town, save me from my emptiness. - The Veronicas, "This Love" 

“This was an awful idea.” I groaned, fidgeting with the satchel slung across my body. I had smoothed my hair a thousand times, and not to mention how many times I had done the same to my clothes.

I had let Namjoo talk me into nonsense once again. This time, Eunji wasn’t there to defend me. She was on her side. 

“The only awful idea here was your outfit choice. Who wears jeans and a t shirt to a first date?” She shook her head at me, eyeing me up and down. It made me look at my own choice too; at least it was a black v neck and not a childish graphic tee. Still, I felt severely underdressed compared to them, who both sported skirts. 

“Maybe he’ll get the hint that I don’t want to be here then.” I muttered, under my breath, looking at my wristwatch for the thousandth time. Being in so many organizations and holding power in office at school, I learned to value punctuality. These guys were late, something I couldn’t stand. 

The blind date hadn’t even started, and I was already having a terrible time. 

I was still furious that our usual Friday night hang out was suddenly sprung on me as a date last second. Literally, last second. We didn’t talk about it at school, I was alerted when they were outside of my house. It didn’t even come as a suggestion, just as a “by the way, I’m going on a date with Sungyeol, Eunji’s going on a date with his friend, and there’s another guy who expects a cute girl waiting for him, so we’ll be out here waiting for you.” 

At this point, I would willingly, and gladly, sit through another viewing of Rebel Without A Cause. 

“Cheer up, buttercup.” Namjoo cooed at me upon seeing my frown. She pat my head exaggeratedly seeing my frown grow deeper. “The guy you’re meeting up with is totally adorable.” 

“I don’t care what he looks like.” I let out a frustrated sigh. “I just don’t want to go on a stupid blind date!” 

“Naeun, we’ve talked about this, and you’re more stressed than usual lately. A boyfriend could do you really well. And we both know that if we didn’t do anything about it, you wouldn’t. Myungsoo is a total catch, and he’d be a perfect boyfriend. This could work out for you. Unless you have anyone else in mind to fill up that role?” Namjoo asked, suspicious clouding her eyes. 

I tried my best not to blush deep red, or be too eager to say no. They would suspect something, and ask all the invasive questions possible about a guy I wasn’t really sure existed. I wasn’t ready to tell them that I was starting to fall for a guy I had met anonymously over the chat site they suggested almost certainly as a joke. I wasn’t even ready to admit my feelings to myself. 

“Of course I don’t have anyone else.” I pouted my best fake pout, trying to look as sullen as possible. I could tell she wanted to ask, that she wasn’t satisfied with my poor acting skills, but before she could open , someone yelled her name. 

Three males, all at least two years older than us, walked over. I wanted to ask what they were doing hanging out with high schoolers, if they really had no other luck with anyone their age, but I didn’t want to be rude right off the bat. The taller one that I had seen in pictures with Namjoo walked up to her with open arms, which she gladly jumped into. It seemed that Eunji and her date knew each other as well, because they hugged each other too, in a more reserved way, but it was still a hug. There was only the awkwardness I felt upon slowly looking at the boy who was supposed to be my date. Myungsoo seemed nice enough. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t completely relieved when I saw him. He was as close to perfect one could get, I thought, at least outwardly. I let the corners of my mouth twist up naturally, which he did in return. He held his hand out slowly for me to shake.
“Hi. I’m Myungsoo.” He said with a smile. 

“Naeun.” I said in return, trying not to get red at the contact. 

I saw Namjoo and Sungyeol high-five from my peripheral vision. I chose to ignore it. Just because someone was cute didn’t mean there was going to be a connection, or that anyone else was going to be forgotten in turn. 

“That’s a nice outfit you have on.” Myungsoo said, leaning over to me while the other couples walked ahead in search of a restaurant. I looked down at my clothes, and then over at him before realizing we were wearing the exact same outfit. I let out a genuine laugh at how ridiculous it must’ve looked to everyone else, that we were dressed exactly the same. 

“Well I suppose it takes good taste to know good taste.” I said, signaling to him. He laughed a really cute, musical laugh while rubbing the back of his head. It made me laugh even more, how nice it suddenly felt to laugh with a stranger. I was not new to connections with strangers, and maybe if I managed to push my prejudice aside, this could end up being a pleasant surprise. 

I pushed away the part of my mind that was constantly reminding me of James away, for now, at least. After all, sooner or later, I would need an actual person to talk to. 

As much as I tried to enjoy myself, there was only so much shy smiles could do for you. Eunji, Howon, Namjoo, and Sungyeol, even Myungsoo, had absolutely no problem making meaningless small talk, laughing over nothing, but after a while, it just made me feel worse than I had before. I had nothing to add to their conversation that moved too quickly, leaving me so far behind. It only made me feel lonelier. That was the worst feeling, feeling lonely among a large group of people. Happy people, at that. I felt it every day at school, trying my hardest to put on a fake smile so I seemed like the put together president that I was supposed to be, but the thought of having to do that when I was supposed to be genuinely enjoying myself with a group of people that were supposed to understand me was enough to make me miserable. 

“You’re not really into this, are you?” Myungsoo asked, leaning over the table. 

“That obvious?” I asked, letting out a dry chuckle. He nodded, and I shrugged. 

“Do you wanna get out of here, go for a walk? Talk for a little bit?” He asked coolly, motioning to the door with his head. 

What did I have to lose, really? Being with a promising stranger who had only said so many words to me was better than sitting here, watching my friends act like versions of themselves I had never seen. We had finished our meal long ago, we were only waiting for them to finish their coffee. We could wait for them outside, it would be fine, right? 

I nodded at Myungsoo. 

“Yo, Sung, call us when you’re ready to leave, we’re gonna go for a walk.” Myungsoo said, sliding out of the booth. Sungyeol smiled and nodded. 

“Have a fun walk!” Namjoo called out suggestively, followed by laughter. I even heard Eunji’s laughter. Eunji, who thought Namjoo was ridiculous more often than not. I didn’t know who either of them was right now, and the more I watched them act so differently from themselves, the more upset I would get. 

We were out on the street now, walking side by side, but not saying anything else. I felt strangely comfortable next to him. Every so often, he’d switch sides with me so I was further from the passing cars, or push me out of the way of delivery boys who had no consideration for anyone but themselves and their job. 

As much as I tried to convince myself to enjoy it, to enjoy the slight elevation in heart rate I’d get from his hand touching the skin of my arm, or from feeling the warmth of another person standing next to me, I couldn’t. The raising of my heart rate here was nothing compared to the excitement I felt talking to someone like minded. The way I’d catch Myungsoo glancing at me before smiling to himself didn’t make me nearly as happy as knowing that someone out there wanted to talk to me frequently for who I was. 

But at the same time, the notion of ever meeting James was too far fetched. I couldn’t rely on my feelings alone, unfortunately. I couldn’t save myself for someone who I could very well not be attracted to. I couldn’t save myself for someone who could be someone other than his words. Maybe if I tried here like I was trying with him, open up like I did to him, I could find someone that would be better for me. 

“What did you want to talk about?” I asked, breaking the silence between us once we had taken a seat on a bench. 

“I don’t know, really. I just wanted to get away myself.” He confessed, his signature smile following. 

“Well, we’re away now.” I sighed, disappointed at the lack of conversation that turned up. 

“We can talk if you want. What do you want to talk about?” He asked after seeing my face fall slightly. 

“Tell me about yourself?” I suggested, with a shrug. I wasn’t very good at coming up with topics either, one of the reasons I was secretly grateful that James had suggested 21 questions. He nodded, smiling, thinking before speaking. 

“Well, my name is Myungsoo, of course. I just turned 20, I go to university with Sungyeol and Howon. I study photography.” He paused slightly before turning to me. “And I think you’re one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever met.” 

I smiled and thanked him despite my disappointment. As much as his flattery worked for me, I still wished he would have continued to speak without bringing an attraction into it. I tried to change the subject quickly. 

“You said you study photography?” I asked, very much curious as to how that came about. He nodded, saying nothing more. Once again, I was forced to try to continue the conversation. “Were your parents supportive of that decision?” 

I guess I wanted to hear him say that they weren’t, because I wanted him to feel like he had something I could relate too. Right now, he was just an incredibly good looking guy who knew how to be charming. 

“Very, actually. They’re just happy that I like doing something I’m good at.” He chuckled, looking at the people walking in front of us. And again, he felt unreachable. 

“Why do you like photography, then?” I asked, desperately trying to dig deeper into this person. 

“I guess I like people.” He said with another shrug. My eyes lit up at this sentiment. I could relate to my love of people, not as particulars, but as an interesting, intelligent civilization. I turned to him with a smile, ready to engage in a conversation, I hoped. 

“I like people too. I mean, it’s so interesting, our culture and humanity’s culture, don’t you think?” I said, not trying very hard to mask my enthusiasm. His eyes seemed to light up at my enthusiasm, too, which gave me a tiny bit of hope. 

“I agree. I like capturing people in instances that seem so normal, but that really breathe out the essence of humanity.” I smiled at the smile that plastered itself across its face. There wasn’t any denying that it was the smile of someone talking about something they loved. 

I sat back a little, relaxed and satisfied that the conversation was taking a turn for the better. 

“Do you like watching people?” I asked. 

“I love it.” He said, both of us now looking at the people that were walking on the busy street in front of the bench we were sitting on. Some taking leisurely strolls, more delivery boys running to the apartments over businesses, and couples holding hands. “It’s where I get a lot of my ideas for exhibitions and whatnot, I suppose.” 

We sat in silence for a few moments, me thinking of everything I wanted to say to someone who loved watching people like I did. 

“Does it make you feel less lonely?” I asked, hoping to meet someone who also felt the need to live vicariously through people, as sad as it sounded. 

“No.” He said instantly, with almost no thought. 

“Really? Why?” I asked, turning to him. 

“I don’t feel lonely.” He said, not returning my gaze. 

“Ever?” I asked, suddenly in disbelief. I knew not everyone may be as unhappy as me, but I thought loneliness was something everyone could relate to. 

“No. Loneliness seems like a weakness to me. If people wanted someone else, they could easily go out and find them. There’s no use sulking over something that can be changed easily.” He said, still looking away from me. There was a lump stuck in my throat where my hope had once been. 

“It’s not easy for a lot of people. I mean, people are all different, not everyone can find someone that’s fit to what they want. Have you gotten along with everyone you’ve met?” 

“Yes.” He answered after very little thought. 

“So you’ve never felt lonely in your life?” I asked again, hoping to get a different answer out of him, even though I knew it was impossible. 

“No.” 

“Have you ever wanted anyone or anything, then? Wholeheartedly and sincerely wanted something you couldn’t have?” I asked, hoping he’d have a surprising answer even though I was sure I knew what he would say. 

“No.” He said, looking at me like he wasn’t sure what I was getting at. 

Namjoo and the rest of the gang found us at that moment, forbidding me from saying anything else. I wasn’t sure I’d want to, either. I was overrun by emptiness. A feeling of absolute solitude. There was no one around me that felt the same pain as I did, and that was the worst feeling. 

I excused myself shortly after, saying that I wasn’t sure the food we had did me well. I apologized to Myungsoo and everyone, ignoring their offers to drive me home. The walk to clear my head and think about tonight was much needed. It was only nine when I had gotten home, but it seemed like everyone had taken an early night. I quietly tiptoed past Seeun’s bed and onto my own, automatically picking up my laptop. As was routine for me lately I signed on to what had turned into my favorite website, hoping that the only like minded individual I knew was waiting for me. 

And like a miracle, he was. 

Hey! He greeted first. I felt like he was happy to hear from me, and even if it wasn’t true, it was nice to pretend like someone was. 

Hi! I said, trying to show equal enthusiasm, even if it was only a lousy exclamation point doing so. 

You’re on a little later than usual today. Did you do anything special? 

I went on a blind date. 

It took him a while to respond, and I let out a muffled giggle when he did reply. 

Oh. Was all he said. A second later, he sent another message. 

Was he nice? 

He was nice. I replied. It wasn’t a lie. Myungsoo was nice. 

Was he good looking? 

He was good looking. Again, it was most definitely not a lie. The fact that we didn’t agree on a lot of important things was not enough to dispel my honest opinions on the rest of him. 

Can I ask you something? You can totally say no if you want to, it’s okay with me. He said shortly after, making me nervous. 

Anything. That’s kind of how most of our conversations go, isn’t it? 

Can I have your phone number? My heart skipped a beat, and my face went red immediately. It’s funny, and stupid, how a simple question sent me into slight hysterics. I calmed myself down, scolding myself for getting too excited over nothing. I typed my phone number in the chat box and hit send, immediately diving for my purse in search of my phone. I held it tightly in my hands, my heart feeling like it wanted to break out of my chest. Only a few seconds later, it rang. My heart began to beat faster, if possible, when I saw that our area codes were the same. 

The farfetched hope of meeting James one day was suddenly not so farfetched. I let it ring a couple more times before steadying my voice, and answering as casually as I possibly could right now. 

“Hello?” I said in almost a whisper, not wanting to wake Seeun up. 

“Hey.” A familiar voice answered from the other line. 

“Myungsoo?” I asked, in complete and total confusion. 

“Yeah, hi. I, uh, asked Namjoo for your number if that’s okay.” In a few seconds, I had felt excitement, panic, and disappointment so quickly. Now, I was back to panic, for the mere reason that if I got held up on the phone for too long, James would get tired of waiting and wouldn’t want to speak to me anymore. 

“That’s fine. I’m kind of-“ He cut me off before I could tell him that I was too busy to answer his call. 

“Listen, I had a really good time tonight, and I have a feeling you did too. So I was wondering if you’d like to go out again sometime soon?” He asked, and I recognized the smile I found charming in his voice. In attempt to get him off of the line quickly, I said something I would probably regret in little more that a week’s time. 

“Sure, yes, marvelous. I just, I can’t really talk right now. I’ll call you later.” I said, hanging up despite hearing him start a new sentence. I hadn’t received any calls in the duration of that phone call, so I had to steady my heartbeat once again. 

Too late. 

My phone lit up again, a different number, but the same area code. All of the feelings washed over me once again, so much so that I almost flung my phone across the room in my lack of knowing what to do. I hit the green button, bringing the phone to my ear, feeling all of the nervousness in the world pool up at my throat. 

“Hello?” I answered, trying to sound calm. 

“Natalie?” An unfamiliar voice greeted. It was smooth, easy on the ears, and absolutely melted me. I didn’t know what to say, suddenly. 

“Hi.” I said, dumbly, waiting to hear his alluring voice again. 

Made my deadline with only an hour to spare. I've been caught up in a lot lately, mostly personal healing. Thank you for all of your condolences last time around, it really did help, and is helping me get through a lot. I hope I continue to produce a story worthy of your kind words. 

As always, 

J