Naeun 

Tell me anything, tell me, and I'll listen. - Girl's Day, "I Don't Mind" 

Three weeks had gone by in a second. It turns out that maintaining a relationship while studying, on top of overseeing a huge project, and worrying about whether or not you were good enough to secure yourself a future produced more stress than one could handle. 

But it was different now that I had a new way to relieve stress. 

It’s amazing how much relationships can change within the course of what once seemed like a short amount of time. Jongin and I were filling in the gaps of lost time with attention. We still weren’t open about our relationship to anyone other than ourselves, and Namjoo, for the sole reason that she was too nosy for her own good. But even with the reservation, being with him was satisfying. The sly glances from across a giant room that only we would catch, purposely brushing our hands together when we handed each other documents, secret affection in the brief moments we were left alone; all of that, added to the conversations that always seemed to persist, was what made us the best we could be. I knew nothing about love, but I was sure that if such an intimate feeling existed it described what I felt for Jongin. 

But the relationships that transformed weren’t only those of me and Jongin. Jongin’s relationship with his own friends was faltering, at best. After the day Kyungsoo questioned us in the council room, Jongin practically stopped associating with him. Sometimes, he’d sit with them and eat wordlessly, not talking or looking when he was addressed, and he’d leave immediately after he finished. Other times, he sat with two other students, ones who were rarely under the spotlight, Minseok and Jongdae. I thought at first that maybe we would take the specific spotlight off of Jongin, and that maybe I could slowly let myself be open with him, but it produced the opposite effect. Everyone was suddenly more interested in him, if that was possible. Everyone was dying to know why he suddenly preferred their company, what happened to split the inseparable group, and what the murderous look in Jongin’s eyes whenever he glanced at Kyungsoo meant. Now, it just made Jongin seem further away from everyone than he already was, and they ate it up. Their prince just became more interesting with the mystery. 

My own relationships changed, too. Particularly with Eunji. I had my doubts before, but now I was positive that she didn’t even consider me her friend. We still hung out on Friday nights, but that was more for the sake of tradition than enjoyment. If Namjoo wasn’t with us, and if it wasn’t work related, she didn’t talk to me. I learned through eavesdropping that she and Howon were in a relationship now, making Namjoo ecstatic. She wasn’t upset that I didn’t end up with Myungsoo like I thought she’d be. Surprisingly, Myungsoo and I began to get along quite well, we just understood that we’d never date. We had to sit out of group dates, which were Namjoo and Eunji’s activity of choice. Today was Friday, and they had chosen that over me. Ultimately, I didn’t mind. I was alone, in the comfort of my room, basking in the silence of a moment intended only for breathing. I knew this situation was only momentary, because surely another obligation would find a way to break the serenity, so I took it in as much as I could. As if on cue, my phone rang. I picked it up without looking at the caller ID. Only three people ever called, me, and two of them were two rooms over. 

“Yes?” I answered, envisioning the person on the other end grinning. 

“You’re always fronting, babe. Don’t act like you’re not absolutely ecstatic that you’re hearing my voice.” Jongin accused on the other line. I let out a small scoff. 

“I wouldn’t say ecstatic.” I answered, deciding to lay down for what I expected to be a long conversation. 

“Is Seeun at her sleepover?” He asked, ignoring my previous statement. 

“Yup.” 

“So you’re alone?” He asked. His breathing was kind of odd, like he was walking somewhere, but I didn’t bother to ask. 

“Thankfully.” I sighed. I really was happy to be alone. Silence wasn’t suffocating anymore. It was comfortable. 

“So, you’d absolutely hate to be in the company of someone right now?” He asked, sounding a little dejected. 

“Well, I wouldn’t go so far to say I’d absolutely hate it.” I turned over to my side, clutching a pillow tightly. 

“Damn. I guess I should go home then.” He sighed, leaving me confused. 

“What?” I inquired, furrowing my eyebrows when he hesitated. 

“Look outside.” He commanded. I shot up out of bed, running to my window despite being lightheaded from getting up so quickly. I looked outside at a figure dimly lit, standing in the small passage between my house and the next. For a couple of seconds, I said nothing while he waved up at me with a bright smile, out of sheer disbelief. 

“Are you crazy?” I whisper yelled into the phone. 

“Well, not more than usual.” He replied loudly. 

“Shut up!” I hissed into the receiver. “My parents will murder both of us if they see or hear you out here.” 

“Alright, then I won’t be out here.” He shrugged, stepping closer to my house. 

“Your window doesn’t happen to have a screen on it, right?” He asked, looking up at my now shocked face peeking out from the curtains. 

“No?” I answered automatically before thinking about his question.
“Great, I’m gonna need you to open it.” He stated, before examining the drainage pipe on the side of my house. He tugged on it a few times, and after he had decided that it was sturdy enough, he held his phone with his shoulder, beginning to climb up. 

“Jongin you are insane.” I panicked. 

“Listen, Naeun, I’m only doing you a favor by giving you the teen experience of sneaking someone in your house.” He grunted while using all of his strength to climb the pipe. “But if you don’t open the window, I’m going to die, and giving the police a statement afterwards will not be a unique teen experience.” 

I couldn’t argue with him, so I opened my window just as he was getting close to it. He shot me an absolutely beautiful mischievous smile when he reached my level. He clung onto the pipe with one hand to toss his phone in ahead of him. I couldn’t tell you how he got the agility or bravery to do so, but after a couple of seconds of thinking and some serious stretching effort, he managed to jump in my room. I was absolutely mortified. 

“Hey.” He smiled, leaning down to kiss me. I stopped him before he got to me. 

“Are you daft? My neighbors probably saw you!” I looked around the room, as if they were watching me right now. 

“Relax!” He grabbed my shoulders. I shushed him immediately. 

“The only thing separating my parents from finding us and killing us is a very small bathroom, and I really don’t want to die tonight.” He nodded, deciding to kiss me on the forehead while I was fuming. I closed the window, and ran across the room to do something I never did, and something that would certainly raise suspicion if it were brought to anyone’s attention - I locked the door. When I turned around, I found him sitting on my bed, as if it wasn’t the first time that he was in my room. I knew it wasn’t the first time he was doing this to someone, he was way too comfortable for that to be the case. I tried not to think about how uncomfortable it made me, to know that Jongin was more experienced than I was, because I knew it was a stupid topic that would only make me feel awful for no reason. I tried not to care about his past, and about the rumors I overheard every so often, and instead tried to focus on calming my own nerves. He looked over at me, patting the bed next to him. I complied, walking over lightly, so every move I made didn’t produce some insanely loud creaking. When I made it to the bed, I was suddenly tackled. I was now laying with him, stiff out of extreme nervousness, as he held me tightly. 

“I missed you.” He said into my hair, hugging me even tighter. I reminded him to be quiet, and he kissed the top of my head as an apology. 

“You know, there’s other things you can do, instead of, you know, risking your life.” I muttered, looking back at the door every few seconds out of paranoia. 

“Yeah, but that’s not as satisfying as this.” He chuckled. “Plus, I know you’d do something just as stupid for me.” 

“I really wouldn’t.” I shook my head, looking up at him. Suddenly, being in this setting made me self conscious. I was aware of everything. My breathing, his breathing. The warmth that was always satisfying, but seemed to be twice as intense today. How great he smelled. How messy his hair was, and how well he made it work. Jongin had always been attractive to me, even when I was in denial of him, but right now, he looked significantly more beautiful, making me blush deeply. 

“What do you even want to do?” I asked, wanting to break the sudden tension I felt when his eyes caught mine examining this. 

“This is fine.” He answered lazily. 

“Just this?” I gulped involuntarily, after hearing the question come out of my mouth. 

“Did you want more?” He leaned back to look at me, raising his eyebrows. 

“No.” I answered, too quickly and too loudly. I covered my mouth immediately, looking over to the door and listening for footsteps. Nothing came, so I relaxed myself. 

“Somehow, I don't really believe you.” Jongin laughed down at me. 

“Get out.” I rolled my eyes, turning myself over so I was no longer facing him. 

“Baby,” he whispered in my ear, making me shiver, “don’t be like that.” 

“Seriously.” I tried shaking him off. “Leave.” 

“So you would be completely opposed to this?” He asked. I was going to ask what he was referring to, since he hadn’t done anything to be opposed to. Before I could open my mouth, I was turned around, and he on top of me, his hands on either side of my head making me feel like I was trapped. I didn’t answer him, I only looked up at him with wide eyes. 

“Is that a no?” He asked again, smirking down at my shocked reactions. This wasn’t Jongin, he was much different. His tousled hair wasn’t boyish anymore, it was a signifier of absolute appeal. His voice was lower, raspier, putting a lump in my throat. His eyes were darker, intimidating, but too enticing to ignore. 

“I…” I tried to say something, to at least make it seem like I wasn’t as nervous as I looked, but nothing came out. It just made me look like an idiot, and make him smirk more. 

For a while, he only looked down at me. I thought of everything wrong with me as his eyes seemed to examine every inch of me, and I cursed myself for not being as beautiful as the girls that threw themselves at him. Instead of looking at me with disgust like I expected him to, he only smiled the same boyish smile I was used to, before leaning down to kiss me. 

It started out as innocently as our kisses always did, but when I began movings my hands through his hair, he took it as a sign to kiss me with more hunger than I was used to. It was surprising me at first, but I fell into the rhythm sooner than expected, and pretty soon, we were intertwined. I had completely forgotten about everything I was nervous about. Now, I was more anxious. We broke apart for a second, our panting replacing the silence. While I was steadying my breaths, he moved to take off his shirt. I froze, realizing where things were going after this. Of course, I’d be nervous. I had never had time to even look at a boy before Jongin, much less be intimate. I was the kind of person that had to be immediately excellent at everything, and knowing that I was amateur while he was experienced scared me. I had only ever been this intimate with one other person, who was shallow, who was going to take advantage of me, but at least then, I had the excuse of being intoxicated. Here, I didn’t know how Jongin would react, or if this would make him like me any less. 

“Hey.” He whispered, looking down at me with concern written on his face. I nodded at him. “I won’t do anything you don’t want me to, alright?” 

“Okay.” I agreed, feeling a little bit more comfortable with his concern. I looked down at his toned body that came with his athleticism. I almost wanted to scoff. It was impossible for anyone to look this good. 

“My eyes are up here.” He whispered, his dorky smile making him seem more human. I rolled my eyes at him. 

“You’re not that impressive.” I teased, matching his expression. 

“I love you.” He whispered, making me freeze again. He didn’t wait for a response, or my surprise to settle down, he just kissed me again, and then the room was spinning. 

Everything started to seem unreal. I was loved. I, the irrational control freak. The girl that depended more on a planner than her own memory. The girl that was called neurotic the second she turned her back. The girl that didn’t know what she wanted, and was only doing things to live a life that wasn’t hers. That girl, with all of her flaws and cracks, was loved. 

I wrapped my hands around his neck, feeling serenity take over me. But that was taken way too quickly, when the door knob started to shake, and someone wanted to open the door. We both jumped quickly, looking at each other with panic. There was no time to get him back out of the window safely. 

“Why is the door locked?” Seeun called from the other side while Jongin put his shirt back on quickly. “Naeun, open the door you freak!” 

“Coming!” I yelled, looking for a place to hide Jongin. “Under the bed!” I commanded, and he complied, squeezing himself where he couldn’t be seen. I fixed my hair and clothes quickly, going to open the door. Seeun glared at me from the other side, before pushing past me. 

“Why was the door locked?” She repeated again, going to place her duffle bag on her own bed. 

“Your sleepover ended already? But it’s only 8:30.” I commented, trying not to sound too suspicious. I really was a bad liar, and a bad actress. 

“Things happened.” She rolled her eyes, letting me know that it was some preteen drama she didn’t want to talk about. “Are you going to answer my question now?” 

“Well.” I hesitated, unconsciously looking in the direction of my bed to make sure Jongin wasn’t visible. “I wanted to learn lucid dreaming so I can plan things in my sleep, and I needed utmost concentration.” 

Seeun looked at me for a few seconds, and I almost thought I got caught in a lie, but she ended up shaking her head. 

“You’re so weird.” She commented, moving to the door. “I’m going to shower.” 

“Are mom and dad downstairs?” I asked, wondering how I was going to get the poor guy getting claustrophobic under my bed outside of my house. 

“No. I think they’re watching a movie in their room.” She answered while grabbing her bathrobe. 

“Well, tell them I went to buy some aspirin if they ask, alright? I’m getting kind of feverish.” She nodded, before leaving. I wasn’t lying about the last part. When I’m too stressed, I get feverish, and right now definitely warranted a lot of stress. I waited to hear the click of the bathroom door shutting, and when it did, I practically dragged Jongin out from under my bed. 

I peeked my head out to the hallway, making sure that there was no way someone would see us. The coast was clear, so I dragged him down the stairs at record speed. Before he could even blink, we were out the door, catching our breath once again. 

“Please, never do that again.” I groaned, clutching my chest. 

“Hey, don’t say you didn’t get a couple of thrills tonight.” He laughed. 

“How can you be laughing, right now! I’m about to have a heart attack!” I whined. He just laughed more, and grabbed my hand. 

“Getting aspirin should buy you some time, right?” He swung our hands as we walked down the street. 

“Yes, except I actually need to get aspirin now.” 

“I want you to meet my parents.” He said, looking ahead. 

“What does that have to do with aspirin?” I mumbled, dumbfounded at how many things were coming out of his mouth so naturally today. 

“Be serious.” He whined. 

“You’re the one who mocks my pain!” I defended myself, squeezing his hand in annoyance. 

“But I’m being serious now. I really think my mom would love you.” He stopped walking and turned around to face me. “And I was serious up there too.” 

“Oh.” I replied, not knowing if I could commit to saying it too. I knew I felt the same way, I knew it even before he had told me, but it was still difficult to say. Maybe because I was still baffled that someone, and Kim Jongin no less, could feel that way about me. Or maybe because somewhere, deep with the rest of my endless insecurities, I thought whatever love I gave wouldn’t be good enough for him. 

“Don’t leave me hanging.” He laughed, but I could tell it was nervous. I took a deep breath before saying something I never imagined I’d say. 

“I love you, too.” 

V short and v uneventful chapter bc I'm v tired and v sad. I had a vlog scheduled for this week featuring friends that are abandoning me for school, but I'm up to my ears with editing, and I really didn't want to edit anymore. So next week (if anyone cares but honestly I'm just going to keep pushing myself onto you guys anyway we're all friends by force). 

J