Jongin

Officer please don't check my breath, that ain't my only sin - Arcade Fire, "We Don't Deserve Love" 

“Haven’t I had enough?” 

The phrase rung in my ears as if I could never think of anything other than those words collecting themselves in that order ever again. 

It was odd, after she had left. There was a strange numbness that settled itself in me. All I wanted to do was run after her, tell her that she was wrong, that it wasn’t my fault, that I wanted her to be recognized more than anyone. I didn’t know how to get my legs to move, so I could follow after her, so I could make sure she knew that I knew more than anyone how much she meant, to me and to the hundreds of students she had given new excitement to. But my body wouldn’t move. What’s the point? I seemed to think. She hated me, she didn’t want to see me. 

Students came out of the auditorium, at least one voice asking me if I wanted to go back to someone’s place afterwards for a party. I didn’t say no. I didn’t know if I had the strength to. I ended up in a dimly lit home, smoke and chatter everywhere. From the corner of my eye, I saw my old friends offering alcohol to giddy girls much too young to know what it tasted like, and I watched as their faces contorted with disgust before shifting to a giggle, hoping to charm the older boys. They had no idea that they were being toyed with, or maybe they did and didn’t care at that point. I’ll never know, because I never wanted to be there, seducing kids and luring them away from their innocence. Kyungsoo caught me looking at him, and even with his bruised face, he still managed to have a suitor. As soon as our eyes met, he smirked at me with nothing but heartless mischief in his eyes, and even raised his drink at me in celebration before giving it to the freshman to chug. See? This is where you belong, he seemed to say. I turned away before I could watch the girl comply with him, and walked to find poison of my own. 

The taste of alcohol was never unfamiliar to me, never bitter or hot down my throat, and that only made me hate myself even more. As I noticed young girls around me trying their best not to cringe as the liquid swam down their throats, I got angry, wishing my face could contort the way theirs did, or that I could somehow find this as disgusting as their palates without reference did, but unfortunately, I could never get back to the place I started. I could never be 14 again, and I could never make myself be something I was not. I had to embrace this, that I was in fact everything I hated. That I could never escape the cloud that would follow me around forever, even if I tried to beat it to a pulp. The people I related to most, the only people I had shared more than a few words with in this entire house, were all scum. I must be just as bad, if not worse.

No, I was definitely worse. At least they embraced it and accepted their identity. All I did was try to distance myself from it without acknowledging that my life leading up to this exact point was lived in the same way. There was no moral superiority in being in denial. As I tried my best to embrace these thoughts, all I could do was try to drink them away. Shot after shot of whiskey, I tried my best to go numb. No one drank whiskey at these parties, anyway. The only things to go were vodka and beer, drinks that made people think they were grown up without really having any indication of actual taste. No one would miss the Jameson, so I took the liberty of trying to stop it from going to waste. 

I had lost track of the swigs I took, but by the way my eyes were getting heavy and my head was spinning, I could tell that I was beyond the point of return. I chuckled to myself, feeling some odd sense of comfort in getting absolutely trashed, as trashy as I felt. I wish I could say that I hadn’t thought about her all this time, but I was. Even if it wasn’t deliberate, she was always there. Not an afterthought, never an afterthought, but the only constant that was always there. 

A slap on the back knocked me out of my thoughts, and almost down from where I was standing. 

“Whoa there, I haven’t seen you this plastered in a while,” Chanyeol laughed as he straightened me up. It took me a while to process who was touching me, but as soon as I did, I shook him off violently. 

“Don’t touch me,” I said, or at least tried to, as I’m sure the words I was saying and the words I was thinking were nowhere near the same. 

“I’m trying to be friendly, dude. You looked lonely and I came here to see what’s up.” He looked at me as if he expected me to thank him, or give him a genuine answer. 

“ off,” I spat, turning my back towards him. Very quickly, almost quickly enough to knock my balance over again, he spun me back around to face him. I gripped the countertop to stop me from actually falling over, spilling some solo cups in the process. Everyone was looking now. ing hyenas. 

“I said I was being friendly, so don’t make me regret my decision.” He was trying his best to sound intimidating, bless his heart. I couldn’t hold back my chuckle, which turned into a full blown cackle. The last person I needed to be scared of was Chanyeol. His too big to his body hands threw his balance off and made him absolute garbage at physical altercations, like some awkward baby. He talked like he was tough because of his height advantage, but his height was directly proportional to how much of a he was when it actually came to doing anything.

The look on his face and the murmuring in the crowd made me realize that I had probably said all of that out loud. I didn’t know how to shut up when I was drunk. I laughed again, this time, I wasn’t sure why. 

“Do something then,” I blurted out, the alcohol taking over me again. Before long, the rest of the guys were there, standing behind him. I wasn’t sure whether it was to back him up, or to stop us from actually fighting here. All of my anger seemed to be leaving my body in the form of stupidity, because all I wanted to do was fling insults at them and challenge them. The first one I looked to was Kyungsoo, who if it weren’t for Kangin, I wouldn’t have stopped fighting until he looked worse than he had. 

“What are you all gonna do? Hold his earrings? Especially you with your ed up face. You can’t even see, why would you even try fighting? Unless you want me to finish what I started.”

The room erupted in chatter after that. Everyone’s suspicions were confirmed then and there; I had been the one to ruin Kyungsoo’s face, and I had been the one to cause the rift in our friend group. I’m sure everyone was dying to know why. I could only hope that my drunk mouth wouldn’t spew out why. 

“You’re drunk,” was all Kyungsoo responded, but I could tell it was with clenched teeth. I knew him. I knew he wanted to fight back so badly. The only thing he couldn’t stand was looking like he was weak, admitting that something wasn’t in his complete control. All I had to get them to do was hit me, then I could hit them back as much as I wanted. 

They all stood there, waiting for my next move. I’m sure they were just as anxious to hit me as I was to hit them. I could almost see Baekhyun salivating at the thought of violence. How did I tolerate these sociopaths for as long as I did? But then again, wasn’t I doing the exact same thing as them? Wasn’t I also waiting for chaos to erupt so I could get my fill? 

Before I could say anything, I felt two hands grab my shoulders, forcing me to take a few steps back. If it weren’t for how small and clearly female they felt, I would’ve pushed them off. I expected it to be one of the girls any of the guys had been entertaining, expecting them to think that protecting their abusers could get them their good favor. When I turned around, I saw Kim Ahyoung looking up at me with pleading eyes. Lee Hyeri stood behind her, giving me a glance I could best describe as a mix between disappointment, but somehow a gleam of hope. Ahyoung continued to pull me back, and I couldn’t bring myself to shake her. 

“Convenient that you’d get one of your hoes to bail you out, Jongin,” Chanyeol called out. Ahyoung froze for a moment, one that anyone would’ve missed had they blinked, and I think most people did and thought nothing of it, but I knew that for her, it too confirmed rumors that went around, ones she never had the heart or stomach to address. 

“Yeah, a shame it isn’t quite comparable to having four of your es save your before sticking their head far up it, I’d say.” 

Hyeri started to help Ahyoung pull me away, dragging me out of the house as quickly as she could. Everyone looked at me as I was being pulled away, all of their faces unreadable. Or maybe the alcohol finally caught up to me, and I wouldn’t be able to tell anything apart no matter how hard I tried. 

The alcohol had really caught up to me, because I felt myself losing grip of my ability to walk. Ahyoung and Hyeri had my arms slung around their shoulders, practically carrying me as I tried my best to move my legs. 

“He’s so skinny, how the hell is he so heavy?” Hyeri huffed as she tried to adjust me to stand taller and cooperate more. 

“I’m swole, not skinny!” I called out. They both flinched. 

“I’ve seen all of you, Jongin. You’re skinny.” Ahyoung rolled her eyes, and I pouted before my legs gave out again. 

“How much longer?” Ahyoung groaned. And I smiled. Guess I wasn’t so skinny after all. Clearly the weight of my body muscles was too much for them. 

“Just a few more houses,” Hyeri replied with short breaths. 

Before either of them could complain for much longer Minseok ran out to meet them, and I laughed when I recognized him. The girls both released me before he could get a good grip on me and I toppled over, and made no move to get back up. The concrete sidewalk was cold against my too warm face, and I didn’t feel like moving away from it. It took the three of them to stand me up, and despite my protests, lead me indoors to a house I had never been to before. 

“You could’ve come out to meet us a lot sooner,” Hyeri called, plopping herself onto one of the couches in the small living room greeting us almost as soon as we walked through the front door. 

“I thought you said you could handle it,” he answered, making sure I was leaning back and not slumped over. 

“I say I can handle everything! You should know that I mostly can’t!” Hyeri whined at him. The way he smiled at her, like all he wanted to do was listen to her whine all day, like she was the best thing that had ever happened to him, made me sick, and did more to sober me up than the cold air of the walk over here had done. Or at least it felt that way. 

“Care to tell him what happened?” Ahyoung interrupted them from her seat on the floor. Maybe she was annoyed at their display of undisturbed love too. But of course, I was to blame for ruining that for her. 

“Can you do us a favor and tell this psychopath that starting fights with his ex psychopath friends is a great way for him to get himself killed eventually. We had to pull him away before he did something stupid.”

“They weren’t gonna do anything!” I rolled my eyes, which made me dizzy immediately. 

“But you were,” Hyeri corrected me. 

“So what?” I snapped, leaving everyone to look at me with some form of shock or distaste on their face. I still wasn’t sober enough to tell which was applicable for who. “You should’ve just stayed out of it, all you do is rag on me anyway, I’m sure you would’ve enjoyed watching it.” 

“We helped you, you ungrateful brat!” Hyeri screamed back at me.

“So you could pat yourself on your perfect little back, surely,” I scoffed. 

“Shut up,” Minseok said forcefully, and I complied, even though I wanted to keep fighting. “You have to stop with this bull about the whole world being against you. You had everything handed to you for a while, and things are finally starting to catch up with your attitude, and you can’t handle feeling like things are as unfair for you as they are for the rest of us.”

“You know better than anyone that things were not fair for me before,” I spat back. 

“You were unhappy with them, but things were still handed to you no matter how you look at it,” he challenged.

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“Maybe it is. No one is demonizing you for having feelings and being unhappy, but everything you were and are unhappy about it fixable. Stop paying attention to your old friends, talk to your parents without being angry for once, apologize to Naeun.” 

“You really don’t understand,” I scoffed. 

“Then tell us what we don’t understand. We all want to help you, but you seem to want to feel alone. The more you lash out, the less people feel any sympathy for problems.” 

The room was silent and heavy. I had nothing to say, and I’m sure no one did either. At least I knew now with certainty that I was as sober as I could be given how much alcohol I drank. 

“I’m gonna go home now,” I declared after a while, picking myself up with wobbly legs. 

“Don’t be stupid, I’ll drive you.” Minseok picked up his car keys off of the table, and I followed him in silence. 

I woke up with a pounding in my head and a shrill voice in my ear.

“God,” I mumbled, sitting up quickly and feeling the bile collect in my mouth. 

“Mom and dad are wondering why you aren’t ready yet!” Kangin called in his permanent worried voice, one that I found incredibly adorable usually, but right now, with the whiskey coming back to haunt me, I just wanted to shut him out. 

“I’m not going, if that’s what they’re wondering.” I resumed my previous position, turning my back to him and putting a pillow over my head to block the sun out. I could tell he was still there, nervously picking at the dirt under his nails. 

“I don’t think that’s an option,” he answered back meekly. 

“Of course it’s an option, I can make my own decisions” I was annoyed by this point, but tried to keep my voice to a reasonable tone and volume. He didn’t deserve my anger. 

“Technically, you’re not an adult so you legally can’t.” His voice was smaller than before. 

“And technically, I can physically remove you or ask you again to please let me sleep,” I said, moving to face him now. He only chewed on his lip in response. 

“Are you two bickering already?” My mother opened the door even wider and invited herself in, letting in the smell of a home cooked meal waft in after her. I tried my best not to make my nausea obvious. “Hurry up or you won’t be able to eat anything before we leave.” 

Kangin, hating any type of confrontation, slipped out quietly so he didn’t have to see how angry my mom was when I told her I wasn’t competing. Smart kid. 

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” I said, trying my best to hold down the poor decisions of the night before. 

“You need as much energy as possible,” she stated matter of factly, in the way only mothers could. 

“I’m sick. I can’t go.” I turned my back to her, wanting the anger and lecture to be over as quickly as possible. 

“It’s been a while for you. I know you’re nervous. I know you’d rather just skip today and walk away with nothing. But we’re so proud of you. We’re so proud that you’re finally interested in someone again. We don’t care if you stand up there and do nothing, we just want to see you nothing.” 

She patted my head slowly, something she hadn’t done since I was a small kid getting over stage fright. She let herself out after that, and I waited until I heard the soft click of my door closing before moving. I stared up at the ceiling for an eternity before just decided to pick my pathetic self up and deal with the problem I had dug myself into. 

I led my parents inside the auditorium to meet with the other judges. All performers were supposed to arrive hours before the show for last minute tweaking. The student council members were supposed to be there earlier, but I didn’t bother showing up at that call time. I wasn’t going to be much help anyway. After pointing my parents in the direction of the judges, I went to sit down away from the bustle. 

“You’re not going to offer to help or even bother to take your sunglasses off?” Eunji asked as she stopped in front of me holding a clipboard. I could tell by the way it was organized that it belonged to Naeun, and guessed that she was probably too stressed to handle all of that work load and had Eunji talk some sense into her and let her help. 

“I know for a fact you guys have it covered,” I answered, refusing to remove my sunglasses. Everyone knew I was hungover anyway. The word had no doubt spread about what went on last night, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it had made its way to my parents already despite them only being here for a few minutes. 

“It would still be nice if you offered,” she sighed, looking back to her clipboard and ticking off some things. “You are the senior class representative after all.” 

“Now that he’s not Naeun’s boyfriend, he doesn’t want to help,” Namjoo joined the conversation, handing Eunji some papers that allowed her to cross off more items off of her list. 

I couldn’t even open my mouth to protest. I just sat there and took off my sunglasses finally, not even bothering to shudder at how suddenly the light hit me. They both looked in my direction, but it seemed neither wanted to comment on how rough I probably looked. 

“Naeun’s feeling better now,” Namjoo said to Eunji. “I got her to drink some water and left her attempting to relax. Though I’m sure she’ll be out here in no time. You know she can’t be idle for too long. She’s just more nervous than usual.” As Namjoo relayed this all, I couldn’t help but feel like some of it was being directed towards me. Like she wanted to update me as well. I couldn’t imagine why she wanted to do that, considering Naeun probably hated me. 

Though, the small glimmer of hope was enough to get my heart beating again. 

Hours passed like that, with people rushing to and from the building, finding documents and ensuring that everything was perfect. The performers chattered nervously through the judges’ introductions. People whispered about my parents, but more than anything, everyone wanted the scholarship.

The winner of this competition would be rewarded a full year’s tuition to a university of their choice, but the way the judges spoke, they knew that if they won, it was practically a guaranteed in to the prestigious art university we all secretly dreamed of going to. The excitement only grew after that. 

As much as I had wanted to, I didn’t gather to watch any of the other students perform. I didn’t go out and listen to the audience buzz at intermission. I already knew everyone loved it. How couldn’t they? This was the result of someone’s effort for the longest time. And not just anyone, this was Son Naeun, the girl who could do anything if she wanted to. The girl who deserved the world. 

Before long, we were the only two left to perform. She wandered over to where I was sitting, unable to avoid the spot any longer as she waited for the freshman playing her cello solo to finish. I watched her pace nervously, taking in her beauty; her hair was tousled, like it had been curled once, before coming almost completely undone, no doubt from her running back and forth to make sure everything was going as perfectly as it was. She wore a black dress with a white collar, and simple heels. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her, and I think she noticed, based on the way she was shifting uncomfortably. I stood up, shaking any dirt off of my jeans that may have accumulated while I was sitting in my seat for as long as I had. 

“You don’t need to be nervous, I’m sure you’ll do fine,” I said, getting close enough to her to see her face, but making sure I wasn’t invading her space. She only jumped in surprise, before nodding and turning away. 

I didn’t know why I had gotten up to talk to her, as this was exactly what I imagined would happen. I didn’t think I could stand it anymore if she were to look at me the way she did yesterday, but I still wanted her to know that I was with her. It was difficult accepting that she didn’t want me there. 

“Sorry I didn’t help out earlier, I was just a little caught up-“ 

“You don’t have to do that,” she said with a sad smile. 

“Do what?” I asked, captivated by even her sadness. 

“We’re not friends, Jongin. We don’t have to be. Please don’t force yourself to be nice to me, we’ve seen how much trouble it causes both of us.” 

I wanted to respond, and as I was trying to find the words to do it, Principal Kim approached us. We both greeted him politely, just as the cello solo on stage was ending and the audience applauded the student. There was about a minute of buffer left for the student to receive their applause, and the MC to prepare the crowd for the next performance. I heard Naeun catch her breath. 

“I just wanted to come by and say hello before your performance, we’re all looking forward to it.” I gulped, not wanting him to continue. I knew where it was going and I knew how much it hurt her before. 

“I wouldn’t be too excited,” I chuckled, my gaze flashing to Naeun and hoping that she’d go on stage before he spoke again. Unfortunately, the applause was lasting long and the MC was milking it. 

“Great placement. Who better to close the show than the man in charge?” He chuckled and I stayed silent. He bid me farewell before disappearing again, hardly even taking Naeun into account. I watched her chest rise and fall quickly, her fists clench. I knew she was trying her best to hold it together. 

Before I could open my mouth, she went on stage and grabbed a microphone. 

Normally, I would be entranced by her voice, I would want to hear her sing forever. Today, when she began singing, it sounded like heartbreak. I didn’t want to listen, but I couldn’t turn away as I heard an unusual raspiness in her voice, like it was taking everything in her to stop herself from weeping on stage. It was beautiful singing, without a doubt, but it sounded too hurt to please my guilty ears. 

A pleasant goodbye, ultimately there can be no such thing, if I knew I would’ve cried it all out then

She was okay before me. She never dealt with as much grief as I brought her.

By then you were done with me, a story only I didn’t know

It was like I had brought things she didn’t know she needed to her, like I had raised her expectations only to strip everything away from her in a moment. 

It wasn’t love, it was only time spent next to you

I was unhappy, but she had nothing. I didn’t have the right to complain. 

Her song ended, and it seemed like everyone held their breath. She didn’t even wait until they clapped to leave the stage. The applause roared anyway. 

She passed by my, as I waited to go on and do a half assed routine that would without a doubt get praised. Our eyes met for a brief moment, and I felt my heart break for another time when I saw her eyes glistening. 

I didn’t want that to be the way things left off. I didn’t want that to be how our story ended.

Naeun did not want me, that much was clear. It ripped me to shreds and made me hate myself, but I couldn’t just sit there. I couldn’t wait and let everything crash down on her.

I had to do something. I had to fix what was undoubtedly the fault of my silence.