Jongin

She's got you high and you don't even know yet. - Mumm-ra, "She's Got You High"

“Come in!” My mother commanded, absolutely beaming that I had decided to show up. 

Of course her class had to be intermediate modern. Of course, it had to be a class the teachers would be required to dress in almost skin tight black clothing. I tugged at the crotch of the leotards my mother had forced me to wear, the ones that she had pulled from the studio store because I had grown ridiculously since the last time I had to wear any. These were unfamiliar, uncomfortable, but I knew if I complained, I’d only be forced to wear the shorter version of these. I was not in the mood to humiliate myself in front of students varying in age. 

My mother was standing in front of the mirror with my co-assistant teacher, Minseok. She urged me to come review moves with her. I was rusty as hell, but to an untrained eye, I was just as good, maybe even better, than Minseok. I was sure he hadn’t stopped dancing, him being the apple of my mother’s eye and all. 

We finished reviewing the moves that were going to be taught, and I finished realizing that I was way out of shape. My mother left the room, finally, letting me fall to the floor in exhaustion. Minseok merely chuckled, tossing me a water bottle that landed on my stomach with a thud. 

“Thanks.” I choked, winded. He nodded, sitting himself near the back wall. Seeing as though we were going to be working together for who knows how long, I decided that I should be friendly with my childhood rival. I slowly slid next to him, using the water bottle as an excuse to talk to him. He nodded as I handed it back to him, leaving the air silent. 

“So…” I began, examining the room. “You volunteered to help?” He nodded, still not talking to me through my efforts. “I was forced.” I said bluntly. I managed to get him to chuckle. 

“It was the only way I could stay at this studio. I already took every class offered.” He admitted after taking a long sip of the water he was holding. I raised my eyebrows in surprise. 

“Wow man, you got ahead.” 

“Two years of no competition can be surprisingly productive.” There was a comforting mischievous smile painted on his face. It made me feel like I was talking to a person instead of a robot. A robot who was very good at dancing. 

“You’re welcome.”I chuckled. “But I still don’t see why you have to keep yourself here.”
“Some of us don’t have the same opportunities you have.” I could tell he was trying not to be harsh, but the smile never left his face. Maybe he sensed that it made me comfortable amongst a very uncomfortable subject. 

“Some of us don’t want the opportunities we have.” I mumbled. “If by opportunities, you mean you’re forced into, that is.” 

“I would kill for my parents to force me into a prestigious art university.” He too was mumbling now. “Try being forced to be an accountant if things don’t work out with your dream.” 

“Gee, I would hate to be forced into a stable profession.” I shot back as playfully as I could with the jealousy I felt. 

Things sort of went silent after that. I don’t know if it was because we were both cautious of saying things that would seriously hurt the other, or because we had run out of things to say. 

“What happened to you, man?” Minseok turned to me. The smile was no longer on his face. I was met with concerned eyes instead. 

“Are you talking about the cynicism? Because if that’s the case, it’s kind of always been there. I mean-“ 

“I’m not talking about that.” He interrupted. “I’m talking about you being a complete tool.” 

“Hey, I’d hardly call myself a complete tool.” I said, trying to make light of the confrontation I was about to receive from someone who hardly knew me. 

“Even if you say you’re not, there’s no use if you act like one.” 

“And just how do I act like a complete tool?” I asked defensively. I didn’t exactly like a psychoanalysis from anyone, especially not a childhood rival. 

“Please, Jongin. You don’t care about anyone but yourself and your little friends, you walk around with your head held high like everyone would be bored out of their minds if it wasn’t for you. You walk around in a pack. You treat girls like cheap toys. Your nickname is ‘Prince’ for ’s sake.” He informed me. 

“Those are my friends, not me.” It’s no secret, at least to myself, how much I hated the group of people I was stuck calling friends. I didn’t like being compared to them, and worse, I didn’t like being confused for them. 

“That may be true, but how do you distinguish yourself from them?” He asked, staring at me. I didn’t have an answer for him. It was true. I disagreed and I made my unhappiness clear to them, but to everyone outside, it just looked like I was going along with them as much as I ever had. 

“I know you’ve always been cynical. Even as a kid, but at least then, it seemed like you enjoyed doing something. Now, you just look mean. Worn out, dispassionate, and mean.” 

Maybe Minseok did know me. He certainly knew what to say to get me to reflect on my actions, or lack thereof. 

“You look different today. That’s good.” He said, quietly, probably afraid that his previous accusations had left me sour. They had, but his new statement was enough to get me interested again. 

“Different how?” I asked, almost too eagerly. I wanted to hear that I was different from the idiots everyone associated me from. 

“I don’t know. There’s something in your eyes. Emotion, I guess.” 

“Well I am a human, after all.” 

“Barely.” He said, making us both laugh lightly. I was still curious as to what he meant, though. 

“What emotion would you say that is?” I asked, trying my best to look nonchalant and disinterested. For someone whose entire existence was based around being disinterested, it was hard as hell to act like it. 

“Are you in a relationship?” He asked, casually. I shook my head immediately, even though my mind suddenly flashed to my computer screen, to Natalie. I blushed deeply, embarrassed that the word “relationship” would be associated with a girl I’d never met. Minseok probably took this to be indicative of me trying to be secretive. “Because the look in your eye, and the color of your face right now, made me think you had someone on your mind.” 

I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t constantly on my mind. But that was only because we had a connection, right? I wasn’t actually interested in her, right? 

“What makes you the love expert? I haven’t seen you with anyone in all of the time I’ve known you.” I accused, trying to get the color off of my face. He simply smiled, reaching for his phone.

“Going on three years now.” He said, handing me his phone. It was set to a photo album titled ‘Baby’, which was enough to make anyone cringe, but I was too busy with my surprise. 

“Lee Hyeri?” I said in complete disbelief. There was no denying the proof. There were hundreds of pictures of them together, on dates, hugging closely, even kissing. “It girl Lee Hyeri!? Impenetrable wall Lee Hyeri?!” 

“Obviously not impenetrable.” He laughed. I had instant respect for him, wooing a girl as sought after as Hyeri. I gave him a fist bump, which he gladly accepted. 

“How’d you score that?” I asked, handing him his phone back. I was absolutely dizzy with curiosity.

“She dances here too. We met in an advanced hip hop class. We hit it off.” He shrugged, since it was fairly simple. 

“I never see you with her. Or anyone really.” I said absentmindedly, trying to think of any instance in which Hyeri had given off any hints that she wasn’t available. 

“We don’t really see a point in advertising our relationship around other people. I’m a pretty private person, and she is too, as surprising as that may sound for her. It’s better this way. We don’t take each other for granted, I guess.” 

I wanted to ask if that worked for him. I knew if I had a girl like Hyeri by my side, I wouldn’t want anyone not to know that she was mine, but I guess there are different degrees of privacy. I wasn’t one to in on a relationship I barely knew about. 

“Are you sure you don’t have anyone?” He asked, examining my eyes, breaking my concentration. 

“Definitely sure, man. I’m the ‘Prince’, remember? You’d know. Someone would know.” And for some reason, that realization made me sad. As much as I would like to show someone off, thinking that every aspect of my private life would be broadcasted thanks to my unfortunate social standing was enough to make my stomach drop. 

A relationship with Natalie would be private. A voice in my mind called out. I shook the thought away, even though my first reaction was agreement. 

“You show all the symptoms of someone who is definitely into someone.” He said, examining me closer with a smug smirk on his face. And I went red again. Never in my life had I been blushing as much as I was during this time with Minseok. It seemed so much like an interrogation because of my reactions. 

“And those symptoms are?” 

“For one, you look like the ripest tomato I’ve ever seen in my life.” He laughed. Unfortunately, it prompted me to turn more red than I already was. 

“It’s been a long time since I’ve danced, alright? I’m just overheating.” I fanned my tight shirt for added effect. 

“Right, right. And I suppose you lose focus like that because you’re rusty and it takes extra effort to remember what your mom is teaching today?” His smirk was getting smugger by the second. 

“Exactly!” I defended my regular spacing. I did usually do it, but even I had to admit it had been happening more often since Natalie got into the picture. 

“And you’re so happy dancing again that it causes you to smile like an idiot like that, right?” His eyes were practically closed because he was smiling so widely. 

“I do not smile like an idiot!” I shouted back. 

Did I? 

“Sure you don’t, Jongin. Just remember you can’t see yourself spacing out like I do.” 

Just as I was about to protest, he stood up abruptly, and I noticed that my mother was coming in, with students dressed in identical, tight black clothing behind her. I stood up too, to great them. 

“Jongin?” I heard a voice I couldn’t quite identify, but I knew I had heard it before. I looked up, only to find the girl I had talked to a couple of weeks ago in the cafeteria. The one who everyone criticized me for being “mean” to. What was her name? Sojin? So…?

“Soojung!” Minseok waved from beside me before going to introduce himself to the rest of the class, who was setting down their bags on the sides of the room. Bless his heart for saving me from looking like even more of an . 

“Hi Soojung!” I greeted with as much of a genuine smile as I could pull. She smiled back at me, before her eyes slowly trailed down to my crotch area. I remembered that I was wearing the world’s tightest pants that didn’t leave much to the imagination, and crossed my legs uncomfortably. This must be what girls felt like all the time. I guess my body language translated well; she quickly looked up again, slightly embarrassed I had caught her in some form of impure thought. 

“I didn’t know you took classes here.” She said after clearing . 

“I don’t.” I answered. She shot me a confused look. “I’m an assistant teacher.” I shrugged, saying goodbye quickly, and going up to the front to join Minseok and my mother. 

I wasn’t sure if it was because Minseok mentioned it, and teased me about it so much that it became everything I thought about, but during the whole class, I couldn’t stop thinking about Natalie. I would even catch myself smiling in the large mirror thinking about talking about her, wondering if she was waiting for me. I didn’t care that I probably looked deranged by now, I didn’t even care that Soojung was more focused on not-so-subtly staring at my than class. The only thing that was on my mind was my friend, my mystery girl. The girl that seemed to have brought emotion back into my eyes. 

Class ended quickly, much quicker than I had thought. Everyone said their goodbyes, gathering their bags before they walked out the door. Even my own modesty couldn’t hide the fact that many of the girls around my age, slightly younger and slightly older, stuck around to try to talk to me, but I wasn’t receptive to their advances like anyone else would have been. 

“Good work, my little helpers.” My mother said with a wide grin, patting both Minseok and I on the back with gratitude. She turned to me. “I’ll be about another 45 minutes, tying stuff up, do you want to come home with me, or are you good by yourself?” 

“Yes, mother, I am capable of walking three blocks without dying, thank you.” I answered, making Minseok politely shield his laughter from my mother. 

“Alright, sir. Go ahead and eat something, don’t wait for me.” She called back as she started walking towards her office. I grunted loudly in a response. 

Minseok and I decided to walk out together, chatting more and enjoying each other’s company. It had been a long time since I had genuinely felt that I enjoyed someone’s company. In person, that is, because I enjoyed someone’s company very much. Throughout that time spent thinking endlessly about what she meant to me and why, I realized that the real question was about me, and why it took so long for me to admit my own feelings.

“Baby!” A voice called out once Minseok and I stepped outside of the studio. Lee Hyeri came out, ambushing Minseok with a hug. I felt a sudden burst of jealousy, seeing how they looked at each other. It wasn’t over the top, it wasn’t even disgusting. It looked genuine, oozing with sincerity, though. Enough to make someone who didn’t believe in love rethink their ideals. 

Hyeri looked away from Minseok for a second to make eye contact with me. I could tell right away that some sort of hatred still lingered towards me. I saw it flash briefly in the back of her eyes. Still, she smiled softly. 

“Kim Jongin in a leotard. This is something new.” She looked me up and down before laughing, and I rolled my eyes before smiling. I was glad we could be civil. I was glad she didn’t remind me of the mistakes I made when my judgement was clouded by a hedonistic lifestyle. 

“See you next week, Jongin.” Minseok called as Hyeri pulled him away. They looked so happy, and I probably looked as jealous as they did happy. 

I was jealous that they had found something together, something worth envying, and I was jealous that I couldn’t walk the streets, hand in hand, carefree with the person I wanted to. 

There was no use trying to hide it or deny it anymore. It might be ridiculous, but the truth often is. I liked Natalie. I was falling for paragraphs of text seen through my computer screen. I had no idea what she looked like, what she sounded like, where she lived, or even what her real name was, but it didn’t matter. I liked her wit, her personality, her honesty, her cheekiness. I liked her. I knew from the burning desire I had to tell her about today, to laugh with her about the smallest thing, to ask her a simple question that would no doubt lead her to open her mind. 

I didn’t even mind if she didn’t feel the same way. 

“Jongin!” A voice I now recognized to belong to Soojung called from behind me. I turned around, and she walked towards me. Her hair was now in a high ponytail, her skin was still glistening lightly with sweat. Her practice outfit hugged her body tightly, attractively. Her milky white skin and delicate figure was enough to make any guy go mad, but with my realization, I didn’t bat an eyelash. I merely smiled politely, thoughts of Natalie swirling around. 

“Yes?” I asked, trying to mask the happiness in my voice. I didn’t want her to ask. I didn’t need to tell anyone. I wasn’t embarrassed anymore, I just appreciated privacy. 

“I was wondering if you wanted to grab a bite to eat or something?” She said, confidence oozing in her voice. Maybe she thought the smile on my face came from seeing her. I felt sorry to break it to her that it didn’t. 

“I can’t, sorry. I have to go talk to someone.” 

I'm going to be honest and say that I sincerely didn't think there would be a chapter today. I've been dealing with the very recent, almost unbelievable, loss of a family member, among other things. I'm sorry if this chapter isn't up to par, but really, I'm not feeling too great. Still, I didn't think my personal struggles should get in the way of this story. I hope you enjoy, and as always, tell me what you thought. Comments would be appreciated, now especially. 

J