Naeun 

Even if you say that you know that you want to find my heart, tell me that you never wanted to. - Ra Ra Riot, "You and I Know"

“It’s been days! How are you not going to tell me about it?” Namjoo complained as soon as Eunji stepped away from us for a few minutes. I had made it a point not to leave Eunji’s side the past few days, because Namjoo bombarded me with questions every time I stepped away. I was trying to give off the vibe that I could care less about all of this, but I did care, and having Namjoo ask questions constantly was starting to irritate me more and more. 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” I said sharply before getting up to prepare sign in sheets and putting contact information sheets out on every chair laid out in the usually empty classroom. Today was the date of the mandatory meeting for the student council, which was equally exciting and frightening. Exciting because we’d finally have enough people to get things done with, but frightening because I know they’d all take what I was saying with little seriousness, since they were all forced to be here. To ease the tension, we used a little bit of our budget to buy a full snack table for all of the new members, so we wouldn’t be hated as much as we could be. Eunji and Chorong came back holding sweets and an assortment of chips, as well as bottles of water and juice. I smiled at them, knowing that they were holding the thing that was going to stop angry students from assaulting us. 

“Well, they should start coming in soon.” I muttered, looking at my watch. The meeting was set to start at 3:30, it was already 3:15. Knowing the new recruits, with their presumed reluctance, they’d probably wait until the last possible second to show up. I took my place in the center of the existing council’s table, in front of the gavel, anyway, feeling nervousness begin to pool in my stomach. Namjoo and Eunji followed, sitting on either side of me, prompting the other three girls to take their places as well. I took out my phone with the intention of turning it off so it wouldn’t ring during the meeting, but I groaned immediately seeing tons of text messages from Myungsoo waiting to be opened. I knew that both Namjoo and Eunji were peering over my shoulder, so there was no point in trying to hide the screen from them. 

“Well, can you at least tell me what’s going on with that?” Namjoo asked, referring to Myungsoo. The problem was, I didn’t even know what was going on with us. After I had pulled him away with the intention to forget about my disappointment, I realized that I would rather be alone than in the company of someone that really didn’t understand me like they thought they did. Granted, I had been doing that my whole life, but for some reason, it began to feel more unbearable when it was going on in a romantic situation. 

“Nothing’s going on.” I sighed, switching off my phone without even looking at the contents of the messages. They could wait. If I ever even decided to answer them. 

“What do you mean ‘nothing’? I saw you make a move. We all did.” She was practically screaming, garnering the attention of the rest of the girls. They knew better than to inquire, though. Eunji would just snap their head off. 

“Howon keeps getting on my back about finding out how much you like Myungsoo. He’s practically in love with you, you know.” Eunji commented, quickly typing a text before shutting her phone off too. 

“Well, I’m saying nothing really happened. We got some food, talked for a while, and that was it.” I lied through my teeth. 

I didn’t want to tell them what really happened. How after dinner, he suggested we go unwind ourselves at a party he knew was happening near by. How I wanted so badly to forget what was going on with my heart, that I resorted to pouring a disgusting liquid that felt like fire down my throat recklessly. How Myungsoo didn’t stop me, and even suggested I sober up at his apartment. How I went to his apartment, knowing full well his intentions, despite how the room was spinning, while my judgement was fleeting. How we kissed, while I convinced myself that not everyone was evil, that maybe I read him wrong and he wouldn't try to take advantage of me. How I hoped that he would deflower me, so I could spend my time thinking about how disappointed I was in myself, or how much I hated him instead of thinking about Jongin, and how much I wanted to call him, to hear his voice to soothe me through my sadness. How Myungsoo ran his hands down me, how I felt filthy, but how I ultimately stopped him, saying I wanted to be sober for my first time. How he said he understood, even though his disappointment was clear. How I refused to let him take me home, walking instead. How I got home, and sobbed into my pillow all night, wondering where I went wrong. Wondering how I let it get to this point. Instead, I just shrugged it off, saying nothing happened. Even though everything was still so vivid. 

“How boring.” Namjoo pouted. I was afraid she’d ask her boyfriend. I was afraid he’d ask Myungsoo and that they’d know how easily I’d slip to someone else just because of disappointment. I was so prepared to be soiled, but I didn’t want to think about anybody else finding out. 

People began wandering, with five minutes to spare, signaling me turn on the “professionalism” switch in my mind, letting me forget my distaste for myself to become the president once more. 

“Welcome!” I said, with my signature smile. “Please sign in with your name and class number over there. Help yourselves to any snacks. Sit down wherever you’d like, and begin to fill out the contact information form found on the chairs.” 

Some groaned, and some just obliged silently. They all looked like they absolutely hated me when I spoke, but at least they were showing enthusiasm in the snack table. 

It was 3:30, and I counted eight out of the nine representatives that needed to be there. Slightly disappointed that a mandatory meeting couldn’t even pull in everyone we needed. I hit the gavel twice, signaling the beginning of the meeting, not bothering to wait for the extra member. I knew they wouldn’t show up. 

“Thanks so much for making it. If you weren’t aware, my name is Son Naeun, and I’m your student body president. The rest of the council will introduce themselves now.” I said, taking a seat while everyone else gave a brief introduction. I scanned the room and everyone that had joined. I recognized a few faces, but everyone was mostly new. The recruits were split exactly half male and half female, which was exciting in terms of opinions we would get. Eunji nudged me, letting me know that it was my turn to speak again. 

“So the reason we need so many people here is because we were recently hit with an extra amount of funding, and we want to give the money back to the student body in an exciting way. So we’re taking ideas for what to use the money for, like an extra end of the year dance, a boat party, or-“ I was animated, because my new idea was popping up, but I stopped talking when the door swung open, and a huffing figure appeared. 

“I’m sorry I’m late. This room was really hard to find.” Kim Jongin said, flashing a smile that I was ashamed to admit got to me. The switch that I had to ensure professionalism had just been turned off, and I was left staring at him as his eyes met mine. He smiled wider, finding a seat in the room, next to a boy named Choi Jonghyun. I wasn’t the only one caught off guard. Almost every girl in the room, including Hayoung and Chorong, immediately began whispering, turning to look at him as he flashed everyone the same disgustingly charming smile. The nervousness I was already feeling in talking to people that didn’t care about what I had to say had grown ten times worse in seeing his attention placed on me. He didn’t even pay attention to the jaws widening in disbelief. It did seem unbelievable that the untouchable Kim Jongin was sitting in the same room as people who were deemed immediately awful. It seemed like it was impossible that he showed up to this, because it seemed like he’d be the type of guy who would ditch the meeting, even if it was required like it was. I was angry that he invaded the space where I could be acknowledged as the backbone, and took the spotlight away immediately. Now, instead of helping, people would be ogling at him. I slammed the gavel on the desk. 

“Can I please have your attention up here?” I demanded, more than asked. Silence filled the room again, as people scowled at me. 

I hated the attention, suddenly.

It was a wonder that I was able to get rid of Jongin so easily after the meeting. I had presumed that he was going to try to talk to me, suggest that we get dinner or something, but instead, he just said goodbye to everyone and left, not even throwing an extra smile my way. I was confused, and while I hated to admit it, disappointed. I thought he would continue to pursue me, and I don’t know why I felt like I wanted it, but I didn’t have time to give into his psychological warfare, or his messed up game. Right after the meeting, I had to rush to volunteer at an animal shelter, something I had been doing recently hoping that I would be able to squeeze a letter of recommendation out of the owner before the scholarship date was up. At this point, I didn’t think it would happen, but I suppose the stress relief was worth it enough. When I arrived home, it was already ten. I remember that on the walk back, I had been so panicked because I remembered that my phone was still off, and I had imagined tons of missed calls from my mother, wondering where they were. But I turned it on, and not even one “Where are you” text from Seeun was waiting for me. Hell, not even a text from Jongin. I wanted to text him, asking him if he was finally done with me, but I figured that it was what he’d want, and I wasn’t going to be another predictable girl to him. 

When I got home, the lights were off. There was no cold bowl of dinner waiting for me like there usually was. There wasn’t even leftovers in the fridge. No one was waiting up, wondering if I was okay, or where I was. It was like I didn’t exist, like people had finally stopped worrying about someone that was pushing them away. 

“I’m home.” I muttered, dropping my bag on the table. While I was hungrier and sleepier than I had been in a while, I had to ignore all of that and finish a pile of work before it got too late. I remember when Jongin was still James, he’d be gracious enough to at least be wordlessly on the phone with me on nights like this, but I didn’t even have that anymore. 

I sighed, pulling out my history books. I didn’t know how well the silence would do me tonights. 

As much as I tried to avoid it, I sat in my first period class with my head on my desk. On a normal day, I would send the girls off to get signatures from teachers or command everyone to do independent work while I snuck off to catch up on sleep, but now that there were nine other heads to watch, I couldn’t do that. Especially when one of those heads was Jongin, who was proving to be the biggest nuisance that could be placed there. I wasted a day’s worth of energy just trying to take the attention away from him. Every time he’d laugh, all of the girls would swoon, and it’d take another minute to get the attention back from him. I cursed fate for making him the random selection. No work got done, and it just succeeded in me appearing meaner than I already did. 

But the cool surface of the classroom desk was enough to help me cool down a bit. Ten minutes of time to myself would do me well. 

“Excuse me?” I saw unfamiliar shoes from the corner of my eyes, and I tried not to groan. I whipped my head up, smiling despite my annoyance and growing headache. 

“Yes?” I answered politely. 

“Are you the student council president?” One of the two girls asked. I knew they were in class with me, but I didn’t know their names, or what business they’d have approaching me. 

“Yes. Can I help you with something?” I asked, my interest piqued a bit. 

“I was, we were, wondering if we could sign up to join the council.” She bit her lip, waiting for my answer. I smiled wider, reaching in my bag for our contact information sheet. 

“Of course! We’re always eager to get new members! Just go ahead and fill out these forms, and bring them back to me. I’ll text you when you can begin coming to our room for homeroom!” I practically sang. I was so stunned, but excited that people were finally gaining interest in our school. They nodded, skipping away to a few seats away. It felt like I had gotten recharged. I sat up straight, content with myself. 

“Why’d you talk to her?” One of their friend asked as they sat down. They were so much closer than expected, it was hard not to listen to what they were saying. 

“We’re joining the student council.” One of the girls answered. 

“Why?” 

“Because, Kim Jongin’s there. Why else?” 

“No way. Jongin? There?” 

“Yeah. Seolhyun was there and said that she sat in front of him. Did you not hear?” 

“No! No way. I want to join!” 

“Go ask her for a form.” 

Her. Go ask her. To them, I wasn’t someone who worked hard to give them good school experiences, or anyone who deserved the recognition or even a name, I was just the president of a club Kim Jongin happened to be in. I felt like I had been reduced to a smaller size than I was before. It felt miserable. 

It didn’t stop there, either. I must’ve handed out another forty contact sheets, but judging by the numbers I was getting back, everyone else had been handing them out, too. 

“This is insane.” Bomi whined when she saw all the paperwork she had to sort through. 

“There is no way we can accept all these people.” Eunji said through her teeth, smiling as more people came by to drop their forms off at our lunch table. 

“How to we even begin to make this exclusive? We’ve never needed to be exclusive.” Chorong muttered, already trying to sort the papers. 

“I’ll just send them an application they need to email back to me. If they’re going to join for the sole reason of staring at Jongin, we should at least make sure they have some sort of intelligence.” I said. I didn’t even try to hide the distaste in my tone of voice, or my body language to every girl asking for a form. I had heard Namjoo mutter something about me being jealous earlier, but I acted like I hadn’t heard it, because turning defensive would serve to prove the opposite of the truth. I wasn’t jealous, and I had no reason to be. I was angry that we were turned into secondary, with him being put on the pedestal when he had been there for a day. We deserved to sought after because of our passion, not because someone associated with us was some sort of student body royalty. 

When we ran out of forms, and someone demanded we made copies, I had enough. 

I wasn’t going to let this ruin the chance we had at being what we all could be. 

I stood up abruptly, slamming my palms and alarming the girls waiting for a form. I stormed out of the cafeteria, towards the staff lounge, looking for Mr. Kang. He was sitting in his desk, reading a book while picking at a salad. I tried my best to be polite, but I was so angry that my trying to get his attention sounded like me disrespecting him. 

“Is there a problem?” He asked, seeing my frown. 

“Please change your classroom’s student council representative.” I told him, watching him furrow his eyebrows at me. 

“Why?”

“Because, Mr. Kim is doing nothing but disturbing the peace, and based on his behavior in both meetings he has attended so far, one of which he arrived late to, he has proven that he does not care about his position as a member of the student council, and that he is trying everything possible to rebel against his mandatory appointment.” I huffed, out of breath. 

“That’s odd. Jongin asked to be given the position.” 

The blood boiled to my face in a mixture of anger, confusion, and an unwanted burst of emotion, wondering why Jongin wanted to see me. 

I never planned to reuse a band in those little lyrics things before the chapters (do you guys enjoy those?), but I recently rediscovered that song and I was so mesmerized by it that I had to include it. And I mean, she's not even in the band anymore, so it technically doesn't count right? 

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. I wanted to ask you guys, would you be interested in an about the author type of Q&A introductory video? I kind of want to film one, but won't if no one's interested. Let me know in the comments! If you do want to see one, ask me a question! 

J