Naeun 

Tender is the night for a broken heart, who will dry your eyes when it falls apart? - Beach House, "Space Song" 

The chaos was beginning, evidently. There was nowhere to walk in the student body office, and it made me wonder whether I liked it better this way or the way it was before. We were all here, all of the student body officers, and even some extra helping hands that trickled in when they heard how anticipated the show was, and heard we could use some extra help. Really, anyone would do anything to catch glimpses of Jongin, who had raised himself up even higher than before with his newly solidified lone wolf status. All of the eager girls trying to subtly crowd around him made it much easier for me to brush him off, even though I would be lying to myself if I said I couldn't stop looking at him. I thought I had gotten over this stupid lingering feeling before. I thought I could be in the same room without focusing on him no matter how hard I tried, but apparently, I couldn’t. It should’ve been a relief that unlike the last time, he was no longer there waiting to meet my eyes. But still, it stung. It stung giving someone the slightest benefit of the doubt, but realizing that perhaps, they didn’t deserve it. 

Just when I was about to figure more things that I had spent all night pushing out of my brain, my phone vibrated. 

I’m getting weird looks from all the students. Please come get your stupid box. The message from Myungsoo read. I rolled my eyes and shut my phone. 

“Watch the room for a little bit?” I asked Eunji as I slid past her. 

“And where are you going?” she responded. 

“Myungsoo is bringing me a care package. There might be something in there for you too.” I winked, sending her red. No matter how in love she was with Howon, Eunji was still the kind of girl to get shy at any mention of her budding relationship. It only made it easier to do, and much more enjoyable. 

Before Eunji could make any sort of protest, or reach over to smack me and quiet me down in front of the crowd of students making last minute adjustments to programs and decorations. I was becoming increasingly grateful for Myungsoo’s company. The more we talked, the more odd it became knowing that I was once a romantic pursuit. Annoying little sister was a better descriptor for the relationship we now held. The one time we went out by ourselves this weekend, we were confused for a couple more than once, and instead of a nervous giggle, it was more of a disgusted eye roll from both of us at this mistake. 

It was lunch hour, and no matter how much power I had as president, I still felt a little on edge about sneaking around to the courtyard. It was technically forbidden to be there during school hours, but was always filled with students. Why I thought today would be the day of an administrative crackdown on campus, I don’t know, but it was somewhat comforting to know that the straight edge part of me was returning, slowly but surely. 

The whole reason Myungsoo was breaking into school was to give me a care package, since today, the day of dress rehearsals, was going to be an excruciatingly long one. Not only did I have to run around and take care of my president duties, but I had to be one of the acts performing as well. It didn’t help that I had no idea what I would be performing anymore. Singing a song that was so intimate no longer felt right. Thinking about the individual lyrics was even sickening, to be honest. I couldn’t sing about being in love when the very idea of it was unpleasant at best. 

I arrived to the courtyard, nearing the gate, and saw Myungsoo there, standing nervously, holding a box that seemed larger than him. 

“That’s a care package?” I asked incredulously, sneaking up on him accidentally, making him jump entirely. I giggled at how jittery he was but knew from his playful glare that I shouldn’t unless I wanted to be pushed around then and there. 

“Howon may have gone a little overboard with Eunji’s part of it. And I don’t know what I’m doing so I just followed him and got you a ton of stuff too.” He shrugged, putting the oversized box in my hands. 

“Sure you don’t want to stay for a little bit longer?” I asked, even though I could see in the way that he looked around nervously that he was ready to be anywhere but here. 

“God, no. Even being here brings back some sort of phantom pain in my .” He shivered, obviously remembering his days of being a not so great student. I chuckled. “Good luck though, kid. Let me know if there aren't enough energy drinks in there for you two!” 

Myungsoo ruffled my hair and went on his way, walking much faster than usual out of the gate, and out of sight. I sighed, making my way back up to the student counsel room with a box much heavier than necessary. Even Eunji’s eyes bulged, and then rolled, seeing the size of our supposed care package. 

“What on earth is in there?” She groaned, hesitantly opening up the flaps covering its contents. Inside there were enough snacks to feed us for a month, not a number of hours after class. She was about to comment on it, before a quiet girl peeped up from the area where Jongin was folding programs together. 

“Naeun?” Doyeon called over curiously. I raised my eyebrows to let her know I was listening. “Who was that guy you were with?” 

I cleared my throat, not knowing what to say at the sudden pressure of everyone looking up at me, curious as to who the uptight president was hanging around. 

“A friend,” I answered honestly, closing up the box and hoping that would be it. 

“A really cute friend,” Somi, another girl who had just wandered in that day, added. I didn’t know what to respond then. If I agreed, it would cause questioning, and if I disagreed, they would begin to inquire further, more curious and hopeful in a possible connection. 

“Myungsoo wouldn’t be interested in a freshman,” Namjoo said casually as she walked over to see if the box contained anything for her. 

“Why not?” Somi pouted. She was an attractive girl, along with everyone around her, so hearing this was probably not usual for her, and may have piqued her interest even further. 

“He’s in college. That’s very gross and illegal.” 

I wanted to strangle Namjoo in that moment, because as soon as she said “college”, the room was louder than it had been in the entire half an hour. Everyone was coming up with theories. All involving me. My cheeks were getting more red by the second, all involuntarily.
“Naeun, be honest. Are you dating a guy in college?” I couldn’t even see who the question came from, mostly because I was blindsided by all the eyes staring my way. The only pair that seemed to continue to focus on work were Jongin’s. The color of my cheeks deepened, feeling embarrassed that for a split second, I thought he would even be interested in hearing the answer. 

The bell rang before I could open my mouth. Everyone piled off to their rooms, disappointed and whispering as they walked past me. Except Jongin, who didn’t even seem to notice that there was any commotion whatsoever. 

All of my bad thoughts from earlier had vanished, even though they had consumed me for the entire day. It was my first time seeing the auditorium ready, decorated with the clearly amateur styrofoam moon and lights acting as twinkling stars. I felt myself smile widely as I saw the performers waiting for rehearsal to start, looking around the rarely used auditorium in anticipation. I spent so much time just imagining all of the people filling the seats tomorrow; all of the students who had been talking about it in the halls for the week, all of the parents who were seeing their children as more than just students tomorrow, learning about talents for the first time. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it, even for a minute. 

“It looks great, Pres,” Eunji said as she squeezed my hand, bringing me away from the moon and back to earth. 

I practically skipped down the long halls to the stage, meeting the tech support so he could hand me a mic. 

“Thanks for being here today!” I said into the mic, receiving a slight cheer from everyone who was just as excited as I was. “We’re gonna run through the show as it will be tomorrow, and it might take some time to get the lighting people to know when and how to light your set, but if we’re patient and ready, this will go smoothly, and tomorrow will be that much better. So let’s start with the first act!” 

We were practically done with running through the show hours later. The excitement had only gotten higher, seeing the rough rehearsals and lighting arrangements figured out. People played instruments and danced, recited soliloquies and told jokes, all coming from people who we never imagined were anything other than a face passing in the halls. 

I was waiting in the wings as Jongin danced, dazzling the entire crowd. I didn’t want to look, mostly because I was afraid that in the end, I would be dazzled again too. Truly, I was set to go before him in the program that was going out tomorrow, but I had agreed to go last in case there was anything that needed to be handled before or during this performance. I wished there was, so I didn’t need to stand helplessly watching him. Unfortunately, there wasn’t. 

The upbeat music stopped, and the crowd roared. Just as I was about to go out to start my performance, a hand rested on my shoulder, excusing itself as it pushed past me. It was the principal’s. I followed him dumbly on stage, wondering why he was here, as he had never taken much interest in any event we put on. One of the tech guys handed him a mic as he looked around. 

“I’ve heard much about this, not only from the buzz of students and staff, but from surrounding businesses. It’s astonishing that people have reached out for so much scholarship money to be donated to the lucky student that wins this. I’ve got to speak to the treasurer after this, because some serious changes may have just been made to this whole thing.” He paused for a moment and looked around, smiling and acknowledging our effort. I grinned dumbly. In all my time on the student counsel, all my hours and sweat, he had never once told us that we did a good job. He had never acknowledged us, actually acknowledged us. The most he did was sign off on a prewritten letter of recommendation whenever any of us needed it. His smile said it all. Finally, finally he was noticing our passion, our dedication to making this an experience instead of just a passing of years. It was all I had ever truly wanted from him, and from anyone at the school. 

“I’ve just got to say, I really need to acknowledge the person that’s making this all happen. It’s incredible work. So incredible, in fact, that there’s talks about a scholarship just for the hard work they’ve done.” My heartbeat increased, hearing that this show, what had practically been my baby for so long, was doing me this much good. 

“And I can’t believe they’re performing!” Principal Kim let out a hearty laugh, making me smile even wider. I stood straighter, ready for him to look at me and know my name, not just as the president, but as the president that cared. 

“Kim Jongin, you’ve done an amazing job.” 

My heart stopped altogether. It felt like a bad joke as he urged everyone to applaud, continuing about how he had heard so much about Jongin’s efforts since joining the council. 

Jongin’s efforts. Not mine. His. 

I didn’t even hear any of the other praise that was without a doubt spewed for him. I shut all the noise out, until the principal was once again excusing himself past me. Rehearsal ended like that. I didn’t even get to sing. 

It was all a bad dream. It had to be. 

My legs carried me out of the auditorium, my mouth issuing quiet thank you’s to everyone, even as they looked at me confused, wondering why I wasn’t practicing. I’m sure I would just deal with whatever difficulties tomorrow, if I even showed up. There was no point in being here if I played no part in its inception, right? There was no use in competing if it was already settled who would win and get the scholarship. 

My footsteps felt heavy as I exited the building, much later than everyone else. The night air slapped me in the face, but I didn’t even flinch. Everything was cold again. 

“Naeun?” A voice I recognized all too well called out to me. I turned, sighing before I even met the pair of eyes behind the voice. 

Couldn’t he tell I was too exhausted, too defeated, to do any of this right now? Couldn’t he tell that I was tired. Tired of everything. Tired of fighting. 

Couldn’t my heart tell that I didn’t want it to flutter right now, as I looked at his face getting closer to mine? I sighed again. 

“Haven’t I had enough?” I croaked, turning on my heels before he could answer. 

Raise your hand if you're still here! I really don't expect anyone to be honestly. It's been nearly a year since I updated, and what can I say? 

I'm sorry. Life happens. 

Last time I checked in, I was ready to transfer to another university. Wellllll, the university I happened to transfer to is UC Berkeley. Yes, #1 public school in the world UC Berkeley. And let's just say that I haven't had time to breathe since I got in here. I think about this story a lot and how sorry I am that I just left it like that. But of course, my would decide to update it in the middle of midterms, when I should be studying. It is what it is. I hope there's still some of you out there, reading this and waiting. 

If you ever want to catch up through any social media, let me know. I do care about you guys! 

J