Naeun

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time. - Death Cab For Cutie, "What Sarah Said" 

“Here you go!” I smiled as I handed the man his bag of food. He reeked, but I didn’t dare crinkle my nose as an indicator. I just held my smile. It was different from the one I put up at school events; there was more compassion in this smile, and I didn’t care complain, either. The line was dying down significantly, warming my heart because it looked like everyone would be able to get a bag of food this time. When the line had ended, I looked at Sister Hong next to me, who was smiling at me lovingly. 

“You work so hard.” She said, helping me gather the boxes to throw away. Sister Hong couldn’t be a day older than 35, but she was already wrinkled and worn out. I understood why. Seeing these poor people pass by the doors to the small church looking for a meal every day could get exhausting and heart wrenching, and the age pooling around her eyes was only an expected side effect of doing little to help with misery. 

“Not nearly as hard as you.” I gave her a soft smile, and took the materials from her. She protested, but knew me well enough to know she wasn’t going to win an argument against me. 

“We’re truly grateful for you here, Naeun. No volunteer we’ve had works as hard as you do. I’m so glad, seeing young people take an interest in helping the world around them.” She followed me to the recycling bins, insisting on helping even when I assured I could do the work by myself. 

“I really can’t take credit for all of this. We should really be thanking Kaeun for setting a good example.” Her eyes turned solemn when I mentioned Kaeun’s name, but seeing that I was unaffected, she too returned her facial expression back to normal. “Besides, I hope my hard work is going to be paid off when I receive an excellent letter of recommendation from Mother Superior.” I hadn’t been paying attention to her face when I said that, as I was focused on getting the lid of the heavy bin open, but as soon as it shut, I turned around to find Sister Hong chewing her lip nervously. If it weren’t for me being in the presence of someone who had promised herself to God, I would have cursed the other woman in a heartbeat. 

“Well,” Sister Hong began, quietly. Before she could tell me any disappointing news, I excused myself to confront Mother Superior myself. I kept my smile painted on my face as I walked down the hall of the convent, patting children on the head as I walked. I stood in front of the door to her office, which always intimidated me. I rapped on the door lightly, taking deep breaths waiting for her to give her usual, and frightening, call to enter. When she did, I took a final breath, attempting to get the hairs on the back of my neck to fall back in place after Mother Superior’s voice made them stand on edge. 

“Hello, Mother Superior.” I greeted meekly, closing the door behind me. She nodded, recognizing my voice without looking up from what she was reading. I stood silent for a while, wondering if it was okay to speak. 

“Well?” She asked, finally looking up at me from under the frames of her glasses. I cleared my throat, hoping my voice wouldn’t come out as a whisper. 

“Well, I was just wondering how far along you’re in my letter of recommendation.” I looked at every inch of her office, anything but her. I came to look for her with the intention of demanding something, but the size of her door was enough to help me remember my place. The Naeun that intended to march in here and call Mother Superior out was now meekly looking around to the various depictions of saints I didn’t venerate, hoping they could let my disbelief slide this once and help me out. 

“I’m afraid I don’t have the time to write it, Ms. Son.” She said, turning back her attention to reading. 

“It’s not due for another month, there’s really no rush as long as you get it done.” I said, watching my words carefully. 

“Even so, I’m far too busy to write it. You’ll have to ask someone else.” My frustration was overcoming my fear at her apparent ambivalence towards my needs.

“But, Mother Superior, you are aware of my family’s financial situation. I really need this letter for a scholarship that could determine whether I’m able to go to college or not. I can’t ask any other organization because I don’t volunteer with them as frequently as I do here. It won’t nearly be as effective.” I finished my rant with a flinch, as Mother Superior slammed the thick book she was reading. 

“Is this scholarship the only reason you’re volunteering with us? Are you only sacrificing your time to help people in need on the basis of getting something in return?” I was silent at her accusations. “If your only interest in helping all those homeless people in need of a meal, or helping all these orphaned children comes from your personal interest, I’m afraid I’ll have to advise you not to come back. We’re only interested in volunteers that are selfless.” I said nothing, and nodded respectfully before leaving. I bit my lip as soon as the door was shut, wanting to cry pitifully. Sister Kim was waiting for me outside, so I held back my childish reactions, and smiled at her. 

“I’ll be going home now.” I whispered quickly, as she flashed me an understanding look. 

I sped down the halls and down the street, letting my emotions slowly leak out of me. 

I hated how Mother Superior knew to combat my demands and general concerns with guilt. I hated how I was suddenly worried that because of her selfishness, I wouldn’t be able to go to school. I was worried and stressed out, which I didn’t need among all of the other unnecessary stress my job as president plagued me with. 

I didn’t hurry home. I had no reason to quicken my pace and let my parents see my eyes puffy from worrying. I didn’t need to have them yell at me after I asked if it was possible to get more money so I could pay for a year’s tuition without having to get another scholarship. My steps grew heavier as I contemplated what I would do to get the extra money that scholarship would have given me. At one point, I even wondered if traditional education was even the right thing for me, which I knew would drive my parents insane if I ever said it to their face. 

As much as I tried to elongate my walk, I arrived home just in time to see everyone settling into dinner.

“Your punctuality is impeccable.” My father said with a smile. I couldn’t return it, and just gnawed on my lip. I really needed to learn to hide my emotions, even if it was by force. 

I sat down nervously at the table. We sat in silence, mostly. Every once in a while Seeun would find it absolutely necessary to recount something meaningless about her day, or complain that school was getting to be too hard for her. I swallowed bitter laughter every time. Of course it would be hard for her, and yet, she was getting more of the college money than I would. They still had three years to save, so she’d probably get to go worry free, not having to bust her every day to get scholarships to be able to set foot on a campus, not having to worry about a letter of recommendation soiling the rest of her life plans. 

“How are you, Naeun?” My father asked after he had grown tired of my sister’s stories. He’d never admit this, though. 

“Huh?” I said, absentmindedly before regaining my focus. “Oh, I’m okay. Very busy, like always.” I added, hoping that they wouldn’t catch my complaint at the end of my statement. 

“Was today volunteer day?” He asked, making my face sink again. I merely nodded. 

“Don’t forget to tell Mother Superior about the scholarship letter. She likes to take her time with everything.” My mother said in the middle of nagging Seeun to finish her meal. 

“About that.” I began, clearing my throat and straightening my back. Both of my parents turned to look at me attentively, finding it strange that I didn’t nod submissively like their normal, filial daughter would have. “What if I just didn’t, you know, apply for that scholarship? It’s so much work to get proof of all of my volunteer activities, and I have to provide records of vaccinations and other documentation I needed to get accepted by those organizations. Doesn’t it seem like too much to do for such a little sum of money? Couldn’t we dip into Seeun’s funds a little, just this once?” By the time I had finished talking, I wanted to bite my tongue for thinking that I went too far. No, knowing that I went too far; the look on their faces was a clear indication that I had. 

My mother was fuming. Her eyes were glaring with a terrifying fire behind them. My father, on the other hand, was shaking his head at me, disappointed that I had provoked my mother so foolishly. 

“You act like we have money to spare, Naeun.” My mother began, and I braced myself for my second guilt filled lecture of the day. “That’s too much work? Gathering papers is too much work? If that’s too much work, what do you call what your father and I do trying to keep a roof over your head? Is that not too much work? What do you call us sacrificing our health to try to keep the electricity on in our house? Or food on the table? You don’t have the luxury of complaining about having too much work.” 

“But Seeun does.” I answered without thinking. Immediately, I shut my eyes and felt the color flush out of my face. Never had I talked back to my mother, no matter how unfair she was being. Never had I let anything other than an agreement slip out of my throat when I was in her presence, but today, the day that I had already pissed off one terrifying woman, my mind decided to go against injustice. 

“Because Seeun doesn’t have the responsibility to take care of us like our oldest does.” My mother spat back. I could tell she was getting ready to slap me by the way her hand twitched. I didn’t want to combat that statement and receive a stain on my cheek. “And might we remind you why you have so much less money in your fund? Might we remind you who settled on that decision? And what happened to force them to do that?” 

If I wasn’t sorry before, I was definitely sorry now. My mother looked away from me, and I could already tell her eyes were watering. I had managed to talk back to my parents, but more financial stressors at the top of their list, and bring up the unspoken tragedy in a matter of one meal. I didn’t know where to look, but my eyes found their way to my father, who said nothing, but signaled me to go upstairs. No love, compassion, or sympathy for me was present anywhere on his face. I sulked on my way upstairs; the last image I saw before closing the door was my sister and father comforting my crying mother, wiping the tears that I had caused. My own tears were flowing now, at the frustration of how unfair the day was being, and how stupid I had been. 

As an instinct, I reached out for my laptop. I sniffled, logging into my account, hoping that James would be online. 

And he was. I didn’t wait for him to greet me like I usually did as I decided that there wasn’t enough time to waste with my senseless games today. I didn’t even bother greeting him, and went straight for the questions. He had told me previously of his parents’ unusual expectations, and I wanted to see if it was just a trend for the younger kids to get off of the hook easily. 

Do you have any siblings? I asked, waiting for him to reply with more fervor than I ever had. 

I take it you don’t really want to get into your day, and I won’t ask. But yes, I do. I have a younger brother named Kangin. He’s 12. 

Wow, that’s a coincidence. I have a younger sister named Seeun. She’s 14. I added, not wanting to pry for the sentiment I needed. I decided to let him. Do you guys get along? 

We do. It’s hard not to be jealous of him. The little brat is a genius and isn’t forced to do something he doesn’t want to do. I guess I have to take the responsibility of being the oldest, whether I like it or not. 

I was pleased at how easily it seemed the conversation was going in my favor. 

We’re similar in that respect. 

I take it you’re plagued with the burden of being the oldest child as well. 

It would’ve been easy to say yes. It would’ve been easy to go on and complain about my family’s money, or my unfair treatment, or to agree senselessly, but looking at the shattered frame that was sitting on my desk, I couldn’t help but let the guilt get to me once again. 

No. I answered, bracing myself for the questions that were to follow. 

Do you have an older sister, then? He asked, innocently, unaware he was going to be in by the fault of my emotions. 

Had. I answered, simply. It took him a little to respond, probably regretting his question. I could see it took him quite a lot to find out what to say. It didn’t surprise me that all I got in response to my secret slipping out was a simple word. 

Oh?

You don’t have to inquire, or feel bad for me. I typed, chuckling. Now that it was out, I couldn’t remember why I had brought it up. I lived my whole life ignoring it, acting like Kaeun was just my cousin when Namjoo and Eunji first asked who the pretty girl on my dresser was. I told everyone else I was the oldest, so I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t want to spill that lie to a guy I didn’t even know. 

If you want to talk about it, I’d love to know. 

I didn’t have any obligation to answer him, and I could’ve just shut my computer, but my fingers started hitting the keys before my mind had time to register it. 

Remember I said my future goals were sort of adopted? I’m not naturally filial enough to comply with my parents without some motivation. My motivation in this case is the death of my older sister, Kaeun. 

I’m so sorry. He replied quickly after I sent the first message. 

It’s okay. It’ll be coming up on 10 years since she passed, so you don’t have to be sorry. I’m used to acting like I’m the oldest. 

How did it happen? If you’re okay to talk about it. 

Like I said, James. 10 years. I’m not sensitive to it anymore. I lied. Even thinking about it was making my eyes water. You’d think refusing to talk about things would help desensitize you, but I’m proof, and so is my mother, that nothing good comes from bottling things up for 10 years. He didn’t respond, so I began telling the story no one knew. 

I was just coming up on 8 years old when it happened. Seeun was four, so she doesn’t remember much of it, and even as a five year old, she didn’t really care. I guess I should've been too young to really care, but I’ve always been considered mature for my age, and Kaeun was my role model. She was 15, a freshman in high school, and she was such a good person. She was on the student council, she volunteered frequently, and she had a life plan. She was diabetic, though. She wanted to go into the medical field to help kids like her, that suffered from diabetes. We didn’t know it was happening, but her diabetes caused her heart muscles to thicken. She developed HCM. It’s supposed to only happen to people with a mutation, but it can happen to people with diabetes. Rarely, but Kaeun’s proof that it can happen. She was so determined to beat it and live her life with it, but even after the frequent hospital visits, she couldn’t win. She died, leaving all of her plans behind. 

I glanced over at her picture while I typed, looking at her smiling, and feeling so sorry that I was acting like such a brat over opportunities I didn’t get. I didn’t want what I had now, but at least I had it. At least I was breathing. At least I had the gift of life. 

We were in a tight spot for money. All of us have a college fund that my parents have started for us, adding what they can every year. Paying for Kaeun’s bills and funeral was taking a toll on them, even after they had used Kaeun’s college fund. We moved to a smaller, 2 room house, sold a lot of the left over furniture, and even switched schools from private to public to help with the costs. All the treatment she got was still too expensive, and they were both considering taking late night jobs to help us scrape by. Like I said, I was mature for my age, so even then I felt the guilt of having them work so hard. I told them to use whatever was accumulated in my college fund, which did help us out a lot. We’re still recovering from the financial blow, but we don’t talk much about the emotional blow. I know there’s nowhere near enough in my fund to pay for my first year’s tuition, so I stress myself out and do everything possible so that my parents don’t have to pay a cent for university. And even so, I’m an ungrateful brat that likes to and cry when things don’t go her way, just because I’m doing things I don’t want to do. I should be grateful, but I’m not. I’m selfish, and sometimes instead of missing my sister, I’m angry at her. I’m angry at her for leaving like it was nothing, and I’m so angry at her for being something that I’ll forever have to live up to. 

My breathing was heavy after I typed the entirety of my story. Hot tears were rolling down my face, ashamed at myself for letting my feelings get the best of me. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Kaeun’s smiling face, feeling terrible for ever being angry at my own blood for dying. My computer dinged, and I expected nothing from the message. 

I’m sorry that had to happen. I can’t say much to comfort you from that, but I can tell you that you’re not selfish. Your thoughts don’t make you a bad person, your choice to act upon them may. We all have thoughts we wish we didn’t have, but the only bad people are the ones who act on the bad thoughts. You have done nothing but repress them, and that makes you braver than I could ever be. You’re not selfish for not liking where you are, you are selfless for carrying on your sister’s wishes with a smile on your face. Don’t beat yourself up over being unhappy, praise yourself for dealing with it for so long. 

I knew deep down that I wasn’t a bad person, but hearing it from someone else, someone whose honesty I cool feel in every word, made me feel much better. 

I didn’t say any thanks, but one thing I knew could display as much gratitude. 

I’ve never told anyone that before. 

I honestly thought I wasn't going to be able to update today because every part of me is absoutely dead. Last night's concert was crazy, in both spectacular and not so spectacular ways. Read more about it here if you want!

But anyway, happy Friday! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. Comment, Subscribe, let me know what you thought! 

J