Naeun

Did I drink too much? Am I losing touch? Did I build this ship to wreck? - Florence + The Machine, "Ship To Wreck" 

“Eunji, there’s still like twenty minutes before the band arrives, do you mind supervising for a little bit? I think I left something in the council room.” I lied, hoping Eunji would agree without any question. She, and everyone else, was just as stressed as I was, setting up the fair for everyone. If there was more people, it would be different, setting up might even be fun, but for six scrawny girls, it was absolute hell. Thank goodness the teachers pitied us enough to lend their hand with set up and tear down. Eunji nodded, telling me to hurry up. 

I ran in the direction of the school, away from the courtyard we were using for the festival grounds. As soon as I was far enough from her, and she was busy telling the faculty where to put the stage, I took a sharp turn away from the building, and towards the gym. 

Everyone was as stressed as I was about the festival, but no one was nearly as stressed as I was about meeting the boy that had been invading her thoughts in person. Finally, I was going to meet James. 

I arrived in front of the gym, huffing and nauseous. I wanted to turn back and run back to the courtyard because I was as scared as I had ever been. 

What if he didn’t like what he saw? What if he saw me and decided that everything was suddenly not worth it because I was less than satisfactory in the area of looks? I wouldn’t be shallow enough to dismiss someone whose personality I had fallen for only because of their looks, but not everyone was like me. Maybe he was shallow. 

The most frightening thought I had came when I thought of our first planned meeting, how my heart stopped during the few moments I thought James was really Baekhyun. What if it turned out to be someone like him? Someone I despised? What if it turned out to be some elaborate joke to trick a poor girl, and instead of someone anxiously waiting to see my face, they were anxiously waiting to see my disappointment and tears? 

I would be devastated. 

It wouldn’t just be about losing someone I could potentially fall in love with, it was about the possibility of sharing the most intimate parts of myself with someone who was only toying with my emotions. I had shared so much with James, things only I knew, and to think that those secrets could be in the hands of someone who was talking to me for laughs made the nausea worse. 

I didn’t have time to think about this, though. I had to get back to setting up. It was now or never. I had to trust him. I had to trust what was mine. 

I took a deep breath after fixing my hair. My cheeks were still stained from my sprint over here, but I didn’t care. I wanted to see him, to embrace him. 

He didn’t hear me when I entered, because he was chuckling to himself about something. From his backside, I couldn’t recognize anyone immediately. He was tall, fit, and his hands were tan. I stopped a good ways away from him, too nervous to get close. I cleared my throat before the anticipation made me any more shaky. 

He froze before turning around slowly. My heart was about to burst. 

But it broke as soon as I saw the identity of the boy who knew about me more than anyone else. 

Kim Jongin stood examining me with a smile on his face. I could only stand there, trying not to let my tears spill. I shook my head in disbelief when his eyes met mine. 

“This is a joke.” I said, trying to gain my composure. I knew if I stood there any longer, I wouldn’t be able to. I ran for the door, refusing to let the bastard see any emotion from me. It would be what he wanted. He wanted to see the subject of his ridicule cry to make him feel complete, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. 

Although tears did slip from my eyes as I jogged back to Eunji, I wiped them away as quickly as they fell. This was my fault. This result was my fault. I was a joke because I let my guard down, because I trusted someone that wasn’t myself. I deserved to be mocked. I deserved all the pain for losing my focus and my path. For thinking that I deserved to be happy. 

“Are you okay?” Namjoo said, halting while she carried a banner to the stage. 

“Yeah.” I sniffled, trying to stop my face from contorting into what it wanted to be: that of a crying child. “I just tripped on the way over here and it hurt like hell.” 

“Be more careful, idiot.” She laughed. “Relax. It’s almost over.” I nodded at her reassurance and began busying myself, trying to make it look like I wasn’t ready to collapse any second. I also tried to distract myself from the fact that I could hear approaching footsteps jogging my way. I had no doubt in my mind who it was. Couldn’t he give it a rest? Couldn’t he be satisfied with the fact that he had successfully tricked some geek into thinking someone was in love with them? I should’ve known better. Who the hell would ever fall for me. 

When I heard him getting closer, I immediately grabbed the nearest thing to me; a bundle of steel poles I knew I needed to take to the stage. They were heavier than expected, and I almost dropped them immediately after I picked them up. 

“Let me help you!” Jongin exclaimed after he finally reached me. He extended his hands to take the poles from me, but I turned my body away from his, blocking him from grabbing them. 

“Don’t touch me.” I snapped, glaring into his eyes. I swear I saw a hurt expression from him, but I now know enough about him to know that it wasn’t serious, that I shouldn’t believe it. And that I especially should ignore the tiny pang of guilt that was spreading through my body. He must’ve taken acting lessons at some point in time. 

“Natalie, stop!” He called out and followed behind me when I started walking away. I halted, immediately cursing his persistence. The punch was already said, what was he point in continuing to drag on the joke. 

“Don’t call me that.” I demanded. He didn’t seem to think anything of my tone. 

“Then what should I call you?” He asked, with a hopeful smile tugging at his lips. 

“Nothing. Don’t ever talk to me.” I said, snapping the smile off of his face. I was so focused on trying to rid myself of him that I didn’t notice the poles slipping of my hands, and only realized it when they hit the ground. “Crap.” I muttered, bending down to gather them. Jongin began to crouch too, but I yelled at him not to, and it seemed that he finally learned the meaning of “no”, because he stepped back. But he didn’t leave. 

“Naeun, are you okay, I heard a crash?” Namjoo ran over to help me, not noticing the figure standing in front of me, glancing down at the two of us. 

“Naeun?” Jongin repeated, a stupid smile visible on his face. Namjoo looked up at the voice in confusion, wondering who was calling my name and why. Her eyes widened when she saw Kim Jongin standing in front of us, mumbling to himself. She was shocked, presumably because she still thought he was the most gorgeous thing she had ever seen. I prayed that she didn’t find out why he was actually there. 

“No freaking way.” She said after a few more moments of staring at him, like the shock had worn off and the cobwebbed gears in her brained finally started turning. 

“Let’s go.” I stood up, carrying the poles and ushering Namjoo away with me, shooting the jerk a glare that suggested that following us would result in him getting hit with the poles we were carrying. I tried to ignore the feeling of his eyes piercing into the back of my head as we walked away, just as I had ignored the horrible constricting feeling in my chest this whole time. I would try to get rid of any good opinion I had of him just as I had gotten rid of the tears that threatened to fall a few minutes ago. 

“Was Kim Jongin the guy you’ve been talking to?” She asked after the silence was too much for her. We were unloading the poles to the stage so Chorong and Hayoung could hang the banner with them. Amazing how they finally found something to do without trying to claw each other’s eyes out. 

“Unfortunately.” I sighed, wiping my hands on my uniform skirt before taking a drink of water from a bottle Hayoung tossed me. 

“Unfortunately how?!” Namjoo screeched, eyes wide in disbelief. 

“It’s obviously a joke.” I rolled my eyes. “You know the people he hangs out with. You know they’re the kind to spend over a month learning every possible thing about a person just to see the look of utter betrayal on their face when they find out it’s a joke.” I said, feeling a lump slowly grow in my throat. 

“How could you possibly be so certain?” She asked, squinting at me. 

“You know about him as much as I do. You’ve heard the rumors, you see he and his stupid friends walking around like they’re gracing everyone with their presence. I’m not going to be another girl he tosses aside.” 

“Are you sure those aren’t just his friends?” She titled her head at me, trying to look into my eyes. I was constantly trying to avoid looking at her because I didn’t want her to see the increased moisture. 

“What’s the difference?” I laughed bitterly. 

“Look, I know I’m pretty much the dimmest person you know. And Eunji, well, Eunji’s kind of an emotionless robot. But are you either of us? Do you agree with us and everything we say just because you’re our friend? No. You don’t. So how do you know Jongin’s any different?” She said, her voice softening. 

“You can’t compare us. It’s different.” I sighed. 

“How?” She asked, growing impatient that I wouldn’t listen to her. 

“We’re actually people.” I said, before walking away, making it clear that it was a subject I wasn’t going to talk about anymore. 

I walked away with caution, not wanting to run into anyone. Any teachers or other student council girls asking me a question would just stress me out right now. I didn’t want Eunji to see that there was something wrong with me, because I’d get nothing but an “I told you so” that would undoubtedly be the last straw before I cracked. i didn’t want a lecture from Namjoo about trying to find the good in everyone, and I certainly didn’t want to see Jongin anymore. I had to stop myself from calling him James, because I had to constantly remind myself that it was all an act. There was no way he could be anywhere near the guy I had spent sleepless nights talking to. To think that he probably showed his friend our messages for a laugh made me feel awful. I felt worthless, knowing that they knew about my insecurities, my hopes, my habits, even about my dead sister. I couldn’t walk around without feeling like someone was ready to stab me in the back anymore. I decided to take a quick detour to the bathroom, to wash my face and change my clothes into the denim shorts and black t shirt I had brought to wear to the festival. After examining myself in the mirror, I realized that looking at myself made me feel nothing but hatred and nausea. How could I walk around acting like the victim when all of this could’ve been avoided if I had known my place, and realized that you couldn’t truly trust anyone? 

Checking my watch, I determined that the band should be arriving now, and that I should focus on responsibilities instead of dwelling on things that didn’t matter. That was how I should live my life anyway; I needed to stop trying to be happy, and start trying to be successful. There was no point in being sad. Whatever happiness he could’ve given me would be temporary, anyway. I needed to focus on something permanent. Something like my own triumph. 

I walked out just in time, with a smile on my face to greet the band that was waiting for me in the center of all of the commotion. 

“Hello, thank you for coming!” I greeted the band members once I reached them. It was a group of four good looking guys, all holding their own instruments, looking around. “My name is Naeun, I’m the student body president. I’ll lead you to the stage so you can set up all of your equipment. If you need anything, water or an extension chord, feel free to ask me.” My voice was perky, my aura was professional. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Faking like I was okay was just muscle memory at this point. I’d be a zombie again in no time. 

“Thank you.” One of them smiled at me. I began leading them to the stage, making small chatter and polite conversation. They were good looking, which was great to keep crowds in. Along with the good food vendors and trucks, and fun prize booths and inflatable games we had, the festival would be a success. It was sure to draw in people from other schools and the surrounding areas. It would be a success. I would do another job well done. There was no reason I should be focused on anything else. 

Not even the figure I knew was watching me from not too far away. I shouldn’t focus on what Namjoo said, about viewing him as different. I shouldn’t think about how good he looked once he was changed out of his uniform, and I shouldn’t even smile at our similar outfits. I shouldn’t focus on his messy hair or the way his smile made me feel, or wonder how hugging him would make me feel. I should only remember that he never cared about me, and that he was only trying to keep the joke going for as long as possible. 

It was well into the festival. I couldn’t walk around and enjoy the festival, no matter how hard I tried. The band sounded nothing like noise to me, despite how much it seemed like everyone was enjoying it. I hadn’t been able to stomach my lunch due to my nervousness, but I couldn’t manage to eat right now because of how low I felt. All the lights and laughs seemed to be distorted and blurred out, and all I could feel was myself getting pushed around as I walked against the flow. Usually, I would be walking around and monitoring how the crowd was reacting, listening to any complaints and going to fix the subject of them immediately, but right now, I wanted to go home, to go to sleep. These things went well past midnight, and no one was required to clean until the next morning, so no one would miss me. A few times I reached the gate to the courtyard, but my feet wouldn’t let me leave. I’d look back, just to see if Jongin was following me around, and didn’t know whether to listen to the relief or the disappointment when finding out what he wasn’t. I knew in my mind that he wasn’t someone I should trust, but my heart wanted so badly to believe otherwise. 

“Naeun, I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” I turned around to find Myungsoo jogging towards me, a smile taking over his face. I smiled back politely, even though I didn’t want to talk to him at all. I never did, but my reason was no more. 

“Really?” I said, trying not to make my voice sound too monotonous. 

“Yeah! I tagged along with Sungyeol and Howon. Namjoo said you’d be walking around somewhere, but it took forever to find you” I was about to respond and tell him that I wasn’t in the mood to see him, or anybody, but I heard the unmistakable sound of the group that I hated the most. 

I turned my head to see Kim Jongin and his friends walking around, all laughs and smiles, except for Jongin, who was glaring at Myungsoo. They stopped to line up for chicken skewers, giving him a perfect position to glare at us. Something in the way he was continuing the act made me so angry, angry enough to want to do something stupid. If he was going to put on an act, then so was I. If he was going to act like he had some reason to be jealous, then I was going to act like I had a reason to make him jealous. I grabbed Myungsoo’s hand and let my fingers intertwine with his. I looked up to see him beaming at me, probably glad that I was finally being receptive. I smiled back at him. 

“Let’s go, yeah? It’s a little too crowded here.” I said. He nodded and began walking towards the exit. I looked back one last time, at Jongin. I couldn’t figure out why he insisted on looking like he cared, or why it made me feel so guilty. 

Sorry I missed another update. Sometimes you get so fed up with unnecessary and unfair loss that you just ignore your responsibilities and your feelings of distaste towards fate and take a spontaneous road trip to Los Angeles to get away from everything for a weekend. Thanks for reading, let me know what you thought! I really love the song I used this chapter, I really feel like it encompasses Naeun for some reason haha. 

J