Jongin

Getting one's heart ripped out is no big deal. - Infinite, "The Chaser" 

I must’ve looked at my watch thirty times in the last fifteen minutes. Of course, me being me, the world wasn’t working out the way I hoped it would have. Apparently, Saturday morning, bleeding into Saturday afternoon, was the time slot for important auditions at my mom’s studio. All of the teachers, unfortunately including assistants, would gather up and watch the older students perform a piece of their choice and determine whether or not they were worthy of receiving the studio’s recommendation, if the students were applying to an art focused school or major. Why the assistants had to be there was beyond me, since we just sat next to the main instructors and didn’t have a say in anything. What also bothered me was the fact that my mother hadn’t told me about this little obstacle. Maybe she had and I was too giddy to remember. 

Either way, I was beyond fidgety the entire time. Both Minseok and my mother shot me constant looks, with different intentions, throughout the entire audition process. The second the last student was dismissed, I ran my to our meeting location, hoping that she would still be there, that she wouldn’t completely hate me. 

She’d wait, right? She was an understanding person. 

As I ran, I turned my phone back on. My mom had forced me to turn it off during the auditions, making it impossible for me to shoot her a text of apology. I turned it on, and there were no missed calls. 

That could either be very good or very bad. 

I wasn’t a track star, but I made it to the general area of our meetup in pretty good time. I gasped for air and rubbed my side to try to get rid of the cramps, making a mental note to work out more. Or at all, really. While my eyes were closed to alleviate my struggle, I felt a hand grasp my shoulder. I froze. That definitely didn’t feel like a female hand. I mean, it was smaller, yes, but unless Natalie actually turned out to be a power lifter, it was still a little bigger than I would have expected. Worst case scenario, the Natalie I talked to on the phone was a hired actress, and what I was dealing with right now was the man behind the elaborate plot to steal young, fresh organs and sell them at a good price. I opened my eyes and slowly turned around, both sighing with relief and groaning when I saw that the hand was Kyungsoo’s, and that the rest of the guys were behind his smirking self. 

“Are you okay, man? You seem a little jittery.” Kyungsoo asked, amusement in every syllable. 

“What the hell are you guys doing here?” I asked, cursing the coincidence. I didn’t want them to see Natalie. I didn’t want her to be exposed to the s that were my friends before I knew she wouldn’t leave me because of them. 

“I guess you mute the group chat now.” He raised his eyebrow at me. I shrugged in admittance. There was too much to handle in those texts. “We agreed to have burgers around here today. We thought maybe you had shown up for a change, but I guess not.” 

“Yeah, sorry, I’m kind of busy right now.” I said, looking past him with urgency. Every second I wasted with him was a second Natalie could still be waiting, and one second too late would result in my agony. 

“With what?” He asked, trying to get my attention again. “That girl?” 

“Look, we’ll talk later, alright?” I said, patting him on the back and pushing him away. Baekhyun just stepped right in front of him. 

“You’ll never guess who we just ran into.” He sang. 

“I’m gonna be honest, dude, I don’t care.” I ran past them to the benched area of the square. 

She wasn’t there. 

“.” I muttered, looking around for her. 

I searched through my contact list for her name, dialing it as quickly as I could. After some rings, I was taken to her voicemail. 

“Hey, Nat. It’s James. Um, I’m here. I’m sorry, I have a lost to explain, I guess. Please call me back, or answer, or whatever.” 

I called again, hoping that she would pick up. With every call, I was taken to her voicemail, and forced to leave another pathetic message.
“Hey. James again. Just wanted to try again, see if you would pick up. But obviously, you didn’t. I’ll just keep trying.” 

“Hey. James. Um, was this all a scam? Are you laughing at me from behind a bush right now? Honestly, anything would be better than standing here and feeling like an idiot.” 

“James again. You know, earlier I thought that maybe you were a hired actress and some guy was going to kidnap me and rob me of my vital organs. It’s stupid, I know, but I think I’d prefer that to standing around like I am right now.” 

I tried again, what I told myself would be the last time. But something was different this time. Instead of waiting for the ringing to end, I went straight to her voicemail. She ignored my call. 

“Nat, I know you’re ignoring my calls at this point. Please, just hear me out for a second. I’ll buy you like five dinners if you just pick up.” 

After I hung up, feeling my heart tear a little more than I’d like to admit, my phone vibrated, signaling a message from her. I opened it, almost desperately, hoping to see something favorable. 

Stop calling me. She said. 

Please talk to me? I typed with shaky hands. 

You stood me up. Was all she said. 

She didn’t pick up my calls or respond to my texts after that. 

“Skipping dinner again?” my mother asked when I wanted to go straight up to my room after we came home from her class. 

“Yeah. I’m just not all that hungry lately, I guess.” I shrugged inching slowly towards the stairs.
“You’re not exactly the quietest person, Jongin. We hear you sneak down here at ungodly hours to eat everything you can stuff in your mouth.” She said, raising her eyebrow at me. I pursed my lips before giving her an apologetic smile. I knew she wanted me to tell her what was bothering me, but I wasn’t going to confess my woes to my mother. 

“I’m just kind of stressed lately, ma. I’m writing personal statements and thinking about what I’m going to audition with and…” I let my voice trail off naturally. It was a cold lie, but I knew I would get away from the actual subject by telling her what she wanted to hear. And as predicted, she wiped the skepticism off of her face and wore a proud smile instead. 

“Take all the time you need, honey!” She exclaimed, dismissing me. 

Truth was, I was upset over Natalie. I was losing sleep and messing up my health all because a girl refused to talk to me. And I didn’t even fully meet her. I can’t imagine how bad it would be if I got my heart broken by someone I loved in the future. I never expected myself to be the type, but it seemed like Natalie wedged herself deep into me and I was having trouble pulling her out. Every time I had tried, it was just more painful. In attempt to make light of the situation, I even changed her name in my phone to “Splinter” to try and laugh about it, but it just made it a little more pathetic. 

I was now in my room, free to slouch and mope around as I wanted. I felt bad for neglecting Kangin on my way in, but I wasn’t going to be much fun now, even to my kid brother. He was too smart, he’d be able to dissect me right away. 

Almost out of habit, I dialed her number, only to solidify my rejection. I still hadn’t gotten over it. 

I wasn’t greeted by the robotic voicemail, but instead with the sounds of typing and Natalie quietly murmuring to herself. I wondered if I was imagining anything, but as I looked at my screen, I saw that she had in fact accepted my call. 

“Natalie?” I exclaimed in disbelief. After a brief pause, she responded. 

“Crap, I thought I pressed reject.” She said with annoyance clear in her voice. 

“Wait, no, don’t hang up, please!” I shouted at her as I predicted her reaction. 

“We’re done, James. I’m busy.” She said. I hinted a little bit of remorse, but maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. 

“Please! Let me explain, ten minutes, alright? What do you have to lose?” I said, pleading. I had no shame at this point. My mouth decided that before my brain could stop it. 

“Time.” She responded firmly. “I have a lost of time to lose and time to make up for all I wasted with you.” 

“You don’t really believe all of that, all of us, was a waste of time, do you?” I answered, feeling more hurt than I thought I would be with her words. 

“I don’t know. It sure felt like it while I was standing there like an idiot for hours.” She said, her voice becoming thick. The kind of thickness that comes along when you try to stop yourself from crying. The thought of her crying because of me hurt more than anything else. 

I suddenly remembered how I felt when I finally made it to the bench, like a complete fool while calling her constantly. That must’ve been twenty minutes. She felt like that for hours. I felt worse when I remembered how she felt about herself, her extremely low confidence. I must’ve increased that by thousands, when I had vowed that I was going to decrease it if it was the last thing I did. I was a jerk. I was trash. I hurt the last person I wanted to hurt, ever. 

“Look, I’m sorry. I had to go to this thing at my mom’s dance studio. You know how she is. You know I tried everything but still couldn’t escape. I mean, you trust me, Nat. I know you do. And I know you want to believe me even though you’re probably telling yourself not to. But, please, I know if you feel even half of what I feel, you don’t want to throw all of this away because I’m unreliable.” I heard her hesitate. 

“Even if that’s the case, I mean it when I say I’ve been wasting time. I’ve been thinking about myself, my priorities, and I mean all of the time we spent just made me push so many of my duties back. Now I have to finish all of the work for the school festival Friday that should’ve been done months ago-“ She ranted, but I didn’t hear most of what she said after she mentioned her school festival on Friday. 

I had one too. And maybe it’s a stretch to think that because someone has the same area code and also had a school event on the same day, we had been walking along the same hallways for who knows how long, but the slight possibility made me smile. 

“You don’t happen to go to Seoul North, do you?” I said, practically sweating with anticipation. 

“… Yes?” She said, confusion and shock making their way into her tone. I fist bumped the air, thinking about being able to be close to her all the time. 

“I do too! Natalie! We’ve been practically in the same place all this time! Holy crap!” I exclaimed, way too happy. 

“Did you even listen to what I was saying?” She asked, but I could tell she was trying her best to hide her excitement. 

“Look, okay, give me a second chance? I know you’re like the most perfect girl to have ever graced the planet, but please give a scumbag like me a second chance, alright?” I asked, desperately. 

“Alright.” She sighed. 

“Yes!” I laughed, resuming to my normal self after her confirmation. “Friday. Before the festival starts, we meet in the old gym, the one that no one ever uses. Okay? You can decide to ignore me for the rest of your life if you think I’m hideous or whatever. But you will give me a chance, and we will meet. Alright?” 

“Okay.” She giggled, not being able to hide her anticipation. 

If I had been acting oddly the week before, I was practically insane the two school days I had to endure not meeting Natalie. I had been staring at girls for those two days too, trying to figure it out before I was able to meet her. Maybe she was someone in our class. I even made it a point to say hello to every girl I passed in the hallway, just to get her to say hello back and determine whether she was Natalie or not by her voice. No luck so far. 

“So, you sure you don’t want to pregame with us?” Kyungsoo asked as he collected his things and put them in his bag. Since the festival was today, we were let off at around lunch time, letting the student council and teachers have two hours to set up the festival. And of course, these twits wanted to get drunk in broad daylight to “enjoy the festival even more”. We were lucky if they didn’t just end up starting a fight. 

“My parents are out of town.” Chanyeol grinned, suggesting that this pregaming would involve more than just bottles of vodka. 

“No, I, ugh, have things to do.” I said, collecting my things in a hurry as well. Natalie and I had agreed to meet 45 minutes after school got out. Meaning I had 45 minutes to wait in agony. 

“Suit yourself, weirdo.” Kyungsoo shrugged. I walked them out partway, then acted like I had forgotten a book in class. Really, I went to the bathroom to freshen up. 

I combed my hair, brushed my teeth, even put on extra layers of deodorant just to make sure I looked great. I would’ve showered in the sink if I wasn’t afraid of extras hanging around and coming into the bathroom. 

Enough time had passed, and I made my way to the gym, seeing the student council girls preparing from a distance. I smiled to myself, knowing that my girl was somewhere among them, but I didn’t dwell too much, not wanting to ruin the surprise. 

The gym was stuffy and too quiet, making it impossible to not think about everything wrong with myself. I fixed my uniform hundreds of times, wondering whether or not I should change into the clothes I brought for the festival now or not. I decided against it. If Natalie burst in prematurely, I wouldn’t want her first image of me to be of me half . Although I don’t think it would look that bad… 

After checking my reflection for the millionth time, I decided standing around wasn’t much help to my nervousness, and walked over to a rack of basketballs to try to get my mind off of the obvious. 

I stood at the end of the gym, dribbling a basketball absentmindedly, trying desperately to think about anything but the absolute and undeniable attempts of my heart to beat out of my chest. It was worse this time around, much harder than the first time I walked aimlessly, looking for a girl in pink. Now my back was facing the door to the gym no one used after hours, knowing that the first person who walked through that door would be my Natalie; there was no possibility of coincidence. The seconds ticked away like years, my breathing only growing heavier. I was meeting someone I cared about for the first time, and the thought of finally being able to look at her in the eyes and hear her gorgeous voice in front of me made me want to melt. I couldn’t wait to see who it was, but I had to. 

There was no point in trying to look suave or composed. It would be physically impossible anyway. There was no way I could wipe the blush off of my cheeks or the embarrassing smile off of my face. 

My ears perked up at every creak the old gym gave off. Even my own breathing made me jump. 

And while I was laughing at my own stupidity and paranoia, I missed hearing the sound of the door opening, and light footsteps stopping about 20 feet from where I was standing. It wasn’t until I heard someone gently clear their throat that I froze in my spot. 

This was it. I was finally meeting my girl. 

I turned around, slowly, excitement making me feel like I would puke any second. 

I finally faced her. It wasn’t only because I knew all about her that I thought it, but she was easily the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Her hair was long and dark, with slight waves rippling through it. She herself gave off no color other than her cheeks which were stained pink, judging from the quick rising of her chest, because she had hurried to meet me. She gave off an aura of innocence that matched the voice I had heard practically every night. Her beautiful face was shocked, and even so it was gorgeous. I couldn’t wait to see her smile at me. 

I was relieved, in all honesty. If she was the complete opposite of what she was now, I wouldn’t have cared, I would still call her my girl, but it was so much easier to adore her both inside and out. 

But her face didn’t curl up into a smile like I was expecting. 

Instead, she frowned. I swore her eyes were turning red when she began shaking her head slowly. 

“This is a joke.” She said with her musical voice. Only, it didn’t make my heart beat rapidly like it usually did. Although it was musical, I noted the disbelief behind it. Instead of making my heart beat faster, it made my heart drop. I wanted to ask what about me was disappointing. I wanted to ask what about me was a joke. But before I could, she spun on her heels and charged out of the gym doors, leaving me dumbfounded. 

I didn’t know whether to run after her, or hate myself for not being what she wanted.

I couldn't wait the two hours for it to offically be Friday on the west coast to upload this. They finally met! Be careful what you wish for, guys. 

But then again part of me thinks that I'm so unhappy about a failed date and my perpetual loneliness that I thought I'd plague my characters with it, and in turn, you guys. Sorry. Send me a boyfriend and Kaieun will be happy!

But in all seriousness, I hope you guys enjoyed the update. As always, let me know what you think! 

J