Jongin 

And when you say that you need me tonight, I can't keep my feelings in disguise - Alex Turner, "Glass in the Park" 

Trust me, I was the first one to want to stab my eyes out when I said it myself, but there was no other way to explain it. Things had just gotten brighter since two days ago. Things were still a drag when I wasn’t around her, but it was much easier to deal with mundane conversations and urgencies regarding my future when the thought of Naeun was constantly floating around. I even made it a point to get to school earlier than usual, because I knew we’d have rare alone time. Naeun had made it clear that she wanted to keep this a secret. Not because she was embarrassed or anything (at least I hope she wasn’t), but because she was a private person, more private than usual. And I agreed. I had never dated anyone openly, and while I’m the first to humble myself, I admit that being with me was more attention than Naeun would ever like. 

I walked to the luckily empty student council room, only to find her like it seemed I always did: in front of the printer, humming and swaying while waiting for her documents to print. I snuck up to her, not that sneaking would make a difference to how oblivious she was in the presence of work, poking her lightly on her sides to watch her reaction. 

As expected, she jumped up and squealed. I loved it. She was always so cautious and calculated, rarely what one would consider girly, catching her being everything she wasn’t was, well, fun. She frowned at first, smiled after seeing me, and then frowned again. 

“What is that ridiculous hair?” She asked, looking at me with wide eyes. I let my hand run through my head. I had forgotten, in all honesty, that yesterday, when I got home from school, my cousin training in cosmetology was waiting to experiment on my head. Kangin was already pouting, suggesting that he had gotten an unwanted haircut. She didn’t do too poorly on me, just a trim and some coloring. Instead of my hair being black, it was brown with a few dirty blonde strands peaking throughout. 

“You don’t like it?” I asked, pouting now. Based on the social media response I got, I thought it looked good. But Naeun wasn’t too into trends, somehow I knew she’d hate it. 

“It’s okay, I guess.” She forced a smile, but the horror in her eyes didn’t leave. 

“You don’t have to lie, as long as you still like me.” I laughed.
“Well…” she hesitated before laughing herself. I shook my head at her, lunging to trap her in a back hug. 

“Wait!” she yelled out, opening her arms out widely to stop me from touching her. 

“What?” I yelled out in the same tone, confused and slightly frightened from the look on her face, not to mention her extremely defensive stance. 

“What if someone sees?” She asked, her eyes tracking over to the door, wide open. I rolled my eyes at her, raising my eyebrow. 

“There’s like, fifteen minutes before class starts. Do you honestly think anyone is wandering around right now? I mean, have you met the students that go here?” She glared back at me, not wanting to admit that I was right. I took the opportunity to attack her when she was stubborn. I enveloped her into the back hug, kissing her cheeks repeatedly. She yelled in protest, flailing her arms and trying to kick her legs when she could. 

“Are you nervous.” I laughed at her in between my face attacks. “Is that footsteps I hear?” 

“Stop!” She giggled, eventually giving in and standing still. It might’ve seemed weird to other people, that we had just gotten into a relationship, not even an official one, but we were already being this comfortable with each other. It seemed normal to us. I knew she didn’t have as much experience as I did, and sometimes I’d see her hesitate, but ultimately, our desire to be physically affectionate was mutual. Think about it from our perspective: we fell for each other’s minds, confided our biggest secrets to one another, longed for the touch of someone whose personality we already knew. When we finally met, misunderstandings were the root of our ignoring each other, but the longing was still there. Finally, we had the chance to show each other that we really cared, we had the time to fulfill all of our desires, that we had been carrying with ourselves for months. It was normal to us. It was like we had already been together for a long time. There was no concern about pace, because we knew somewhere, where our words got blurred out of shyness, that we probably loved each other. Whether it was actually love, or not that serious, we had no idea. All that mattered was that it felt real in the moment. That was more than enough for us. And it said a lot, for something to be real for both a cynic and a realist. 

“Am I interrupting something?” 

I froze. I recognized that voice easily, but I was hoping that I was mistaken, that someone I had never met had the same voice. I let Naeun go immediately, and we both straightened ourselves up. She went back to the printer, and I turned around slowly, hoping not to see the image that had already developed in my mind. But as soon as I was facing front, I found Kyungsoo looking at me with a smirk, looking like he had set his sights on gold.

“No.” I cleared my throat. It was almost like I knew based on Naeun’s aura that she was scared about what was to come. I was, too. I didn’t want the world to find out based on a rumor, and I didn’t want Naeun to be subjected to antagonistic behavior she wasn’t ready for. I also didn’t want to imagine what Kyungsoo and everyone else would do if they didn’t like the idea of me choosing her over someone they saw as acceptable. 

“Right.” Kyungsoo clicked his tongue, stepping inside the room. 

“Did you need something?” I asked, moving around the room nervously, touching everything I could while still shielding Naeun, who was fiddling with a stapler. 

“No, nothing.” Kyungsoo shrugged, looking around the room. “Someone just told me you were walking around, and I wanted to see what you were doing here so early.” 

“Nothing.” I answered immediately, scolding myself for being so obvious about my discomfort. 

“Of course not, Jongie. But, are you going to introduce me to your friend?” He asked, getting ready to push past me and greet Naeun. I tried my best not to look to defensive, to subtly find a way to block him, but it seemed like he was going to interrogate her no matter what I did. I braced myself, to get upset at Kyungsoo for suggesting something inappropriate, for scaring her with unnecessary details, for threatening her in some skilled way that made it seem like he wasn’t. When Naeun turned around to avoid being rude, it was obvious that she was scared. I was caught between being subtle about how much I cared about her, so the damage would be very little in the long run, and protecting her the way I wanted to. But I knew the latter would result in a worse punishment for someone who deserved no punishment at all. 

I watched him approach her. I watched her bite her lip nervously. I watched him stick out his hand while smirking back at me, letting me know that my comfort would not be left untouched. 

“I’m sorry, do you need something?” A voice demanded from the doorway. Kyungsoo quickly turned his attention over to Namjoo, who was walking into the room. 

“Uh, no, I was just introducing myself to Jongin’s friend.” Kyungsoo watched her suspiciously as she inched closer. 

“Well, I’m sorry to say that the council room is only available to members, unless non-members have business scheduled with us. If you don’t, it’s important that you leave now, we’re very busy.” Namjoo crossed her arms when she reached her desk. I wanted to hug her until her eyes popped out for averting a dangerous situation, one that could’ve spawned out a million different ways, all ending very poorly. But then again, Kyungsoo wasn’t one to be ignored, or overpowered. 

“I actually didn’t hear anything about that from the president, and I would think her say goes, no?” We all looked over to Naeun, who was still frozen. It seemed like she had gained her confidence from Namjoo stepping in to aid us, because she snapped out of her daze, stood up straighter, and nodded. 

“We’ll get acquainted some other time, I’m afraid.” She smiled at him, and he raised his arms up, mocking defeat. 

“See you later then, Jongin.” 

He left, and the atmosphere got lighter automatically. 

“You’re a saint.” I sighed, thanking Namjoo from across the room. 

“No problem. You both looked like someone was going to plunge a rusty knife in your side, I had to do something.” She laughed. “What was so bad about that, anyway? I mean, I know it’s Do Kyungsoo and all, but why did you both get so tense?” 

“Kyungsoo isn’t exactly open minded.” I said, simply. It was all that needed to be said. They could fill the rest in with the rumors, most of which turned out to be true. 

Namjoo was the only one that knew about us. She caught on right away, being the only person that knew I was James. She was ecstatic for us, and now, she was scared for us, for Naeun. The power of rumors was strong around her, and if it came from Do Kyungsoo’s mouth, it was law. He could easily ruin her over this simple exchange, that he probably saw as disrespectful. 

“Let’s not think about it. We have a lot to worry about enough.” Naeun piped up. She sounded way different from earlier. I understood why, so I decided not to press on. 

“What’s on the menu today, boss.” I ruffled her hair when I walked past her on my way to my designated desk.

“Auditions after school.” She groaned. 

I was paranoid all day. I would look over at Kyungsoo frequently during class, and he’d look back at me like I was insane. Nothing was said at lunch, so I just listened carefully to the mundane conversation surrounding the table, waiting to catch any trace of her name. But, again, nothing. 

It wasn’t until the final bell rang, when I grabbed my bag to make my way to the auditorium for auditions, that Kyungsoo decided to say anything. 

“You’re in a rush.” Joonmyeon commented while I was gathering my supplies, since I usually had very little sense of urgency in these matters. I usually waited until the hallway buzz died down, but today, I was going right into the heat of it. 

“Yeah, I’m one of the people in charge of auditions today.” I commented, slinging one strap over my shoulder. I nodded my head to everyone to say goodbye, and walk away with satisfaction, but Kyungsoo spoke up the second I turned my back. 

“Do tell your little bunny we say hi.” He called, sitting back in his seat casually, examining dirt under his nails. He looked nonchalant, but the slight glint in his eyes alerted me that he knew exactly what he was doing. 

“Do tell.” Sehun piped up, me into a conversation I didn’t want to have. 

“I don’t have time for this.” I rolled my eyes, trying to make my way out of the door. 

“You don’t have time to tell us a name?” Chanyeol stood up, walking over to sit on the desk next to where I was standing. Even sitting down, he towered over me. He knew he was being both restricting and intimidating when he put his hand on my shoulder. 

“Kyungsoo’s delusional, alright. And stop referring to girls as bunnies, alright, we’re not in the 1930s, as much as you guys want to be some gang.” I rolled my eyes, pushing Chanyeol’s hand off of me. 

“Son Naeun.” Kyungsoo smirked, watching everyone react. 

“No ing way.” Baekhyun broke out into a smile. “So that conversation we had when we were crossed wasn’t my imagination!” He exclaimed. 

“Alright, I told all of you then, and I’m telling all of you now, nothing is going on with her. Okay? Drop it. Stop playing Sherlock.” I practically yelled, feeling my face go red. 

“So you have no problem if I take a swing at her, then? She’s cuter up close.” Kyungsoo stood up, leaning against the wall behind him. I held my tongue. He was already suspicious, but I still wanted discretion at Naeun’s request. I couldn’t let them know I cared as much as I did. 

“She’s a nice girl, okay. She doesn’t need any of that bull.” I said as calmly as I could. 

“Yeah, I can tell she’s real nice. Nothing too extreme, but still something worth grabbing if you know what I mean.” He said, and everyone snickered around him in agreement. I balled my fists together, trying my best to steady my breathing. “I don’t really care about having too much in that department, though. You know me. I mean, if she’s as tight as she looks then-“ 

He didn’t get to finish his sentence. He couldn’t because I was crushing his throat. 

I didn’t know I had it in me, to let my rage control me like that, to the point where I could push past four other guys and have another guy up against a wall in a split second. But I didn’t regret it. It didn’t bother me, hearing his gasps or seeing his face turn red. And I paid no attention to the other guys trying to pull me off of him. 

“You should shut up, because one of these days, you’re gonna with someone that isn’t me. And they’re not gonna show you mercy, so start watching your mouth before that happens.” I spat out, releasing my grip from his neck. He fell, reaching for the desks as he gasped for air, while the other guys catered to him and made sure he was okay. But while I reached the doorway, I heard him laugh. I didn’t want to think too much of it, it was hopefully his way of making everyone else this he wasn’t scared of me. But still, I didn’t want to rule out the other possibilities behind that laugh. 

I calmed down as I reached the auditorium. As soon as I stepped in, Naeun’s eyebrows laced together in concern. I shook my head at her, wanting her to think it was nothing. I sat down in the seat next to her, and I could feel her small hand slide into mine and give it a tight squeeze before retracting it. It was established in the last meeting we had that the judges for the audition would be Naeun, Eunji, and I. Them, because they held the highest positions, and me, because I was the only one who “had any talent”. It wasn’t like we were actually going to judge anyone, we were just collecting forms and making sure their talents weren’t obscene, or horrible. The auditions themselves were smooth, but the tension felt in the seats was high. Eunji and Naeun barely looked at each other. From what I knew, they were supposed to be best friends. Even their goodbye was short. Eunji merely said she had to go, and left without saying anything else; Naeun made no move to stop her. 

“I guess we’re done here then.” I said, standing up and placing the forms in my binder. 

“One more!” Naeun reached into her bag and produced a form of her own, slipping it into my hands. I smiled down at it, reading her neat print. 

“You have to audition.” I smirked. I had no idea she sang. I should’ve assumed she would do something for the show, since she needed the scholarship, but I never thought it would be singing. 

“No.” She answered curtly. 

“Everyone else had to do it.” I reasoned, and she rolled her eyes at me. 

“No.” She repeated, reaching for her bag. 

“Please!” I whined. “For me?” 

“That makes me want to even less.” 

“C’mon, how can you resist this face? Look at me, Naeun. I’m gorgeous. Please?” 

She laughed at my vain comment, but still looked skeptical. I gave her a nod of encouragement, and clapped for her prematurely. 

She took a deep breath before she began singing the chorus of Ra.D’s “I’m In Love”. My mouth naturally dropped down in awe, taking in the way she lost herself in the words. She wasn’t a perfect singer, I had heard much better, but the way she looked while singing, on top of her simply being her, made it the best performance I had ever seen. She finished, and I could do nothing but smile. 

“So, are you going to audition to?” She asked after we sat in silence for a minute.
“What?” I tried to act like I didn’t know what she was talking about. 

“Don’t act like you didn’t slip in a form when you thought I wasn’t looking.” She laughed, and I shook my head. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re going crazy, boo.” 

“You made me sing, you can at least dance!” She pouted. I was tempted to give in, but I wanted it to be a surprise. 

Actually, that was bull and I knew it. I had nothing yet. I knew I wanted to dance, but I still had no idea what I would dance to, or how. 

“It’s a surprise.” I bluffed. 

“You’re awful.” She complained, stomping her feet a little. 

“Oh, look at that, I have to go if I want to make it to dance class on time. Gotta teach, you know how it is.” I shrugged, looking at my watch intensely. 

“Whatever.” She muttered, turning away from me. 

“I’ll talk to you later.” I sang, leaning in to her cheek for a kiss. 

She turned her head at the exact moment my lips went to her cheeks, and our lips connected. We pulled away instantaneously, not really knowing what to do other than stare at each other. It was amazing, even though I had kissed so many girls so many times, I still felt a level of sheer innocence and curiosity the second we kissed. It was like I was thirteen again, doing it for the first time. I leaned in again, capturing her lips, and this time, I let my hand move up to her cheek. She followed my lead, slowly, shyly, and that’s all I needed. It was electric. 

When we pulled away, neither of us said a word. We didn’t need to. We felt it in the air. It was best not to ruin things like that. We merely nodded at each other, and went our separate ways.

Class went well, uneventful. Minseok did say I was getting better, that I actually looked like I was feeling it. I was. Dancing wasn’t a chore today, nothing was. I felt like I knew what I was doing, like I was enjoying it. 

So I took it upon myself to stay back after class, just dancing. Thinking about the way I felt and translating it. Before I knew it, I had come with a routine to express the sense of euphoria I had begun to feel. 

And it was all for her. 

I'm sorry if this is an incoherent and ty update I just seriously am completely swamped with work and I want to stab myself repeatedly because SCRIPT BREAKDOWNS AND SHOT LISTS MAKE ME WANT TO CRY OKAY I HOPE YOU'RE ALL DOING WELL ILY 

J