Jongin

The way that we are I can't tell if I'm asleep or awake - Ra Ra Riot, "Too Too Too Fast" 

I don’t believe in fate, but this is definitely a beautiful coincidence. 

I couldn’t believe that I was smiling at a stranger. 

Through a computer screen. 

For all I knew, this could be some creep in his 40s posing as a 17 year old girl to fulfill his lonely Friday nights. But if that was the case, at least he was of quick wit. 

I decided to give this person the benefit of the doubt, and continue talking to them, as charming as I possibly could. The only problem was that my charms ended there. 

So, what’s your name? Or should I just call you Ms. Wood? 

I asked, hoping that asking for a name would give me some reinforcement that I was talking to an actual person. There was clear hesitation on the other end. 

Natalie is fine. 

Crap, I could very well be talking to the 40 year old man. I contemplated leaving the conversation entirely to protect myself from the supposed danger, but Ms. Wood sent another message before my cursor could reach the top of the page. 

I’m sorry if that’s weird! I’ve just never really used one of these and I’m not too trusting. 

As much as I wanted to think that I was somehow being fooled, I understood her distrust, and I understood how she felt, having never used a site such as this before. I was instantly sympathetic, much to my surprise. 

I get it, don’t worry about it. You can just call me James, if you want. 

She agreed shortly after I sent the message, and from there, the conversation seemed to die. Movies, eating, and sleeping weren’t exactly the easiest topics to start lasting conversations on, and they were far too broad to really get a good grasp on what kind of person this stranger was. What if I asked her a question about movies she liked, and it turns out she only liked weird, German arthouse films? What if I asked her a question about food, but it triggered some suppressed memories about allergic reactions she had in the past? Not being able to see someone’s body language to help social cues was weird, and definitely not something I was used to. 

So, if you don’t mind me asking, why did you join this website? 

I prayed that I didn’t offend her, mostly because it was too soon to tell if she was going to be an interesting companion. The initial joy of the screen name matching up hadn’t faded, and I wanted desperately to have a connection with someone. 

Well… I guess I just really wanted to find someone to distract me from everything. I have so much going on, and I feel like I can’t even talk to my friends without being reminded of deadlines I need to make, or budgets I need to approve. I’m overworked, and I need to relieve stress. I’ve tried a lot of things in the past, and they never seem to have long term effects, so I’m trying to broaden my social horizons, and see if connecting with someone will help me out. 

I nodded along as I read each sentence of the confession she sent in response. I gained more sympathy with it, making me instantly curious about her current standings. I wanted to know what about her life made her so unsatisfied. 

Do you not connect with your current friends?
My hands seemed to move on their own, no longer asking my brain for permission, no longer waiting for my eyes to catch up with them before they hit “send”. 

I really like my current friends! I just feel like I don’t know where the line with work with them ends. It’s the bad thing about working closely with people you enjoy: they’re trustworthy and reliable, but sooner or later, they stop being friends and become colleagues, even against your will. 

She didn’t give me a chance to reply, before declaring that she had been talking too much of herself, and not letting me have a chance to introduce myself. 

What about your friends? 

She asked, leaving me at a loss for an answer. 

My friends?

I repeated dumbly, not being able to handle pressure well, even over the internet. 

Yeah. She replied instantly. You asked about my friends because you could relate to some degree, right? 

I kind of hate them. I answered honestly, chuckling to myself as I saw the message appear in the chatbox. Her hesitation to answer only made me chuckle more, so I took it upon myself to expand my hatred before the poor girl sent me an apology she didn’t fully mean. 

They’re not horrible people or anything, for the most part. There’s just a conflict of interests involved, and I don’t really appreciate their lifestyle. 

Look at me, trying to defend the people I would’ve willingly thrown onto a busy street a couple of hours ago. 

And what does their lifestyle consist of? She asked. 

You know, the usual: killing their liver and narrowly escaping being fathers. 

And you don’t do that? 

Her questions had a way of making me feel like I should be ashamed of myself and not my friends. 

No. I always make excuses not to partake. 

I lied. For the first time,  felt like I needed to lie to a person that wasn’t one of the guys, about something other than why I couldn’t attend some event. I could’ve easily told this person, whose name I didn’t know, and whose face I couldn’t recognize in a crowded street, that I spent a lot of the past complying with my friends’ interests. I could’ve easily admitted that there had been nights that I was too drunk to go home, and mornings when I had to sneak out of the rooms of girls I didn’t even recognize. But for some reason, I felt like she wouldn’t like me if I confessed all those things. For some reason, it mattered. 

Then what kind of lifestyle do you want to live? 

Again, her question made me dig deeper than I ever would have on my own. I was good with complaining, good with wishing things were different, but I was never really good at coming up with what I wish things were like instead. 

One where I don’t have to make excuses; either because I like what I’m doing or because I actually like my friends. Where I can spend a night just talking to someone, rather that constantly having to be doing something. I want to be able to enjoy my youth the way I want to, not to succumb to horrible stereotypes about it. 

Maybe it was just that I was used to having horrible, judgemental friends, but as soon as I saw that my message had been read, I felt embarrassed for my immature fantasies.

Do you also want to spend hours sitting on the floor of someone’s house, talking over takeout, and spend a night driving to no particular destination, shouting the lyrics to your favorite songs at the top of your lungs? 

I read her message, and my face grew hot. She was making fun of me. 

Waves of embarrassment crashed violently onto me. I was a complete imbecile for letting a stranger, who could be anyone laughing at my every sentence, hear what I had been hesitant to let anyone hear. Of course I would be met with a mocking response; I should’ve expected it, and I shouldn’t be as embarrassed as I am now. My head was down on the cool surface of my desk, attempting to get my face back to a normal temperature. I heard another ding, and I was very, very, very reluctant to see what condescending comment followed her last. I raised my head, one eye closed because for some reason I thought it would minimize the damage. Reluctantly, I read the message as slowly as possible. 

Because I feel the same way. 

“Jongin!” My brother entered my room in a rush, before I had a chance to respond to her. 

“What?” I asked, confused that he sounded in a rush, and a little upset at myself for jumping at an accusation in the conversation. 

“I’ll be back in a couple of hours, okay?” He said, rushing out, probably hoping that he had been too quick for me to notice or protest. 

“Hold on.” I shouted at him before he was able to shut the door. He froze before entering my room reluctantly. 

“What?” he asked as nonchalantly as possible. 

“Where the hell are you going for a couple of hours?” He groaned at me, making me chuckle. Of course a 12 year old kid would think he was an adult. 

“To meet some friends.” He answered, irritated. 

“Some friends as in some friends from that stupid website?” I swiveled my chair so that he couldn’t see the screen on my laptop, where I was on that stupid website. He nodded, rolling his eyes at me. “No you’re not.” 

“What? Says who?” He responded in a less than pleasant tone. 

“Me. The person who is in charge of making sure you don’t die tonight.” I was met with another eyeroll and upset groan. 

“Why not?” He said, stomping his feet. He probably thought he was being intimidating, but the truth was that he was a shrimpy kid that never so much as glared at anyone in his life, this explosion of fits was probably the most adorable thing I’d ever seen him do. 

“Because, let’s say these little friends of yours turn out to be middle-aged men. I’m not letting you meet someone anonymous.” 

“They’re not middle aged men!” He shouted at me, losing his patience. Of course, a 12 year old kid would think he had good judgement. 

“Do you have proof they’re not?” I answered him, with a smirk. 

“No.” He said with a frown after some time. “But I want to meet them. They’re at the video game hall a couple of blocks away. I really want to go hang out with them.” 

The entirety of the fit had been adorable, but my heart softened at how legitimately disappointed he looked and sounded. I could only gauge what he must have felt, being denied friends for so long due to a lack of understanding, and now being denied friends due to an overprotective older brother. My smirk melted down to a soft smile at his pout. 

“Fine, get your coat.” He looked up, his expression molding into one of confusion. “I’m going to take you, and make sure you weren’t making friends with old men the entire time.” He groaned again, but I could tell he was hiding a smile. 

“I don’t want my lame older brother to chaperone!” He exclaimed, but scurried off to get his coat shortly after. I turned back to the computer screen, mumbling to myself about how adorable he was still. I was glad that Natalie still hadn’t disconnected after my lack of responding. 

Something came up suddenly, and I have to go. I really do want to talk to you some other time, though. Would it be okay if I added you as a friend? 

I meant that whole heartedly. I was enchanted by this stranger, who seemed to understand me beautifully. I waited for her response while getting my jacket. 

Of course. She replied in an instant. Have fun with whatever it is you have to do. I’ll talk to you soon, James. 

I smiled, while zipping up the light bomber jacket I had chosen. I clicked the “add friend” button that appeared next to her name, while saying my goodbyes. 

Nice meeting you, Natalie. 

The air seemed lighter than it had earlier. The sun was beginning to set, and I knew it would soon be dusk. A Friday night dusk was the perfect time to people watch in the particular neighborhood Kangin was going to hang out with his friends. While I promised that I would only assess the situation and drop him off, I thought I might get myself something to eat and watch the people walk by. 

In front of the video game hall stood two equally shrimpy kids, pretty much looking like Kangin’s twins. He ran over, visibly excited and overjoyed at meeting his friends finally, and they responded in the same fashion. He turned around to signal me to go away, while I chuckled at the friends he had made himself. It must be incredibly satisfying to make friends with someone so similar to you. 

Being the overprotective creep that I was, I went inside the hall and checked the perimeter to make sure that no one had hired those children to lure my brother in. When I was satisfied, I made sure that Kangin’s phone was on, and that he had a house key and everything else he needed. I ended up having to hand over $40, but it was worth it. It was the first time I had seen that kid smile so wide in ages. 

And now I was alone, watching the sky turn blue, looking for a food stand to sell something to warm me up. 

I held the box of dumplings while looking for somewhere to sit. I settled on a concrete divider that separated the park from the crowded street. It was perfect for my desired task of researching. I ate the steaming dumplings, cursing myself for not getting a bloody drink, watching every person go by attentively. 

I usually watched every person and wonder about their day, their thoughts and feelings, their personal philosophies, and the likes, but today was not like all those other times. 

I couldn’t get that girl out of my mind. I couldn’t get how she seemed to examine me out of my head, and my heart beat ridiculously fast thinking about it. I was beating myself up over it, because it was frankly laughable to get so worked up over a short conversation with a faceless stranger, but it didn’t stop the feeling from continuing. 

The thing that got me was that this girl could literally be anyone. I found myself projecting her words onto every girl that seemed to walk by. Was she the one that walked by in the cute, floral dress, or the one who seemed the be the opposite of that girl, in a tight black dress? Was Natalie the girl who wore loose jeans and a leather jacket, looking too intimidating to approach, or the girl that had a natural smile to match with her pastel skirt? This question hopped back to every girl I saw, the ones by themselves, and the ones in groups. I lost myself a bit, looking at every girl around my age, and picturing Natalie in her place. I still don’t know why I was so enchanted, but it was enough to let the time slip away from me. 

My snack was long gone, and without me noticing, the sky turned dark. I figured it was time to go back home before I ran into someone I didn’t want to see. I sent a quick text to Kangin, letting him know that I would be home, and went on my way. 

The first thing I did when I got home, as if my behavior earlier wasn’t absurd enough, was go straight to my laptop. I opened it, quickly logging into the site, and checking to see the status of my friends. 

WoodxNatalie…………….. Offline

I must’ve been out of my mind, because I honestly felt very disappointed. I shut my laptop, taking this as a sign to get a grip on my own twisted mentality, and get some sleep. I didn’t bother changing my clothes or turning the lights off, and I didn’t bother questioning why I was going to bed before nine. I just laid there, letting myself reflect, trying my best not to think too deeply about a stranger I hadn’t known existed at the start of the day. 

It seems like I only update this when I need to be doing something much more important. This week: J puts off her Linguistics paper to upate! I mean, this system seems to work though; I just got alerted that I got 100% on the last paper I neglected in place of updating. 

I hope you guys are enjoying this so far, please let me know what you think! I appreciate all comments, even ones about your day!

Thanks for reading

J