Naeun

Hope is the parent of disappointment and despair. - G-Dragon, "Black"

It was back to our original trio for tonight’s Friday night hangout. We were grabbing burgers in the heart of the shopping district near our home. All of us were assuming our usual roles; Namjoo being a helpless flirts, Eunji trying to tame her by judging her, and as it had been lately, me spacing out. The cause of tonight’s spacing was the realization that we were eating in a restaurant exactly in front of where James and I were to meet tomorrow. The mere thought of the nerves I would get was making me nervous. I had dodged various questions from both Namjoo and Eunji regarding the state of my being. 

Eunji was being a lot gentler with me today. Ever since that lecture she gave me, she gave me space, and no longer offered her opinion unless I asked for it. Maybe it was something in the way I flinched whenever she spoke after that, or maybe it was the way clearly logical Eunji figured it wasn’t her problem, or her life to ruin. She could be like that. She had the luxury of being able to feel anything if she put her mind to it. But still, I knew I couldn’t confide my unrests and nerves in her. 

I only had two options: Eunji, the logical friend who would no doubt lecture me at the drop of a pin, or Namjoo, the hopeless romantic, emphasis on the “hopeless” who would blow it out of proportion and insist on hiding in the bushes while I waited for James tomorrow. The former was out of the question, and I was looking for a way to make the latter out of the question, too. 

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Namjoo, although sometimes my trust definitely wavered, I just wanted to do something on my own for once. Since we met, Eunji and Namjoo had done everything with me, and for once, I wanted something on my own. 

But maybe the problem was that I didn’t know how to be on my own. I was stupid, but I wasn’t stupid enough to say that I didn’t need help. 

“Alright, I’m gonna go to the bathroom for a minute.” Eunji said, halfway through our meal. Namjoo and I both excused her absentmindedly, but as soon as she was out of sight, I turned to her with urgency. She stared back at me, wide eyed, worried that she had done something. 

“I’m about to tell you something, but don’t you dare say anything about it to anyone. Not your mom, not your cat, and especially not Eunji.” I began. She nodded, her wide smile stretching across her face. I rarely told Namjoo anything worth hearing when Eunji wasn’t present. I never found a reason to. It was like Namjoo was handed an opportunity she had to seize. She nodded with exaggeration and feigned zipping her lips shut before giggling with anticipation. 

“You know when Eunji yelled at me over a boy?” I said, whispering and looking over to the wooden door leading to the restroom, making sure it didn’t open. 

“Yes! Are you going to tell me who it is?” She asked, practically jumping around in the seat of the red booth. 

“I would, but I don’t even know who it is.” I sighed. “I met him on that website you showed me. We started talking that day and hit it off, and I’m finally meeting him tomorrow. I’m beyond terrified.” 

“I know the feeling.” She nodded in understanding. “I was the same way when I first met Sungyeol.” She sighed, letting the nostalgia of the first meeting take over her thoughts. I rolled my eyes at her. 

“Please, you both exchanged pictures, and numbers, within the first hour.” 

“So?” She asked, defensively. “There was still the fear that he was lying about what he looked like and was actually some creep waiting to kidnap me.” 

“Yeah, but at least you had some sort of expectation about what your guy should even look like.”  

“Are you scared you won’t like him?” She asked, her eyebrow raised to form a triangle. 

“I’m scared he won’t like me.” I admitted. Thinking about seeing possible disappointment in his eyes was too much to deal with lately. Thinking about him made me think about all my previous relationship experience, or lack thereof, really. I had never been the subject of anyone’s affection. I watched in middle school as every girl around me received flowers and candy every once in a while as people would gather in a crowded hallway to watch a new couple be born, or someone become slightly more bitter. These couples rarely lasted, but still, I wanted to be a part of them. I waited patiently for my turn to come, and it never did. By high school, I had stopped waiting. I didn’t look up from my seat whenever a boy approached my desk like I used to in middle school, I merely ignored them and accepted that someone much prettier, much better, sat near me. It was always true. 

I remember my first, and only kiss. It was the reason I had pretty much given up on going to parties. There was no use dealing with humiliation. It was the summer before high school started, when everyone thought they were so mature, and would have what they thought to be “grown up” parties, that were really just a bunch of kids acting like they normally did, but with red solo cups in their hands. We were playing spin the bottle in a large group. I was there because Namjoo dragged me to sit down. I didn’t think much of it, there must have been sixty people in that circle, what were the odds that it would even land on me. But I couldn’t deny some sort of excitement, most of the romantic in me had died, but the small part that remained was hoping that I would kiss a boy and find the love of my life in the process. The bottle did land on me eventually, but it wasn’t exciting anymore. I knew something was wrong when everyone held down their snickers when the bottle landed on me. That was something they would only do when the bottle landed on someone unpopular or unhygienic. I didn’t know that I was to fit into either of those categories. I just thought I was normal. Then, to make it worse, the boy I had to kiss, Jongdae, groaned when he saw that the bottle landed on me. I didn’t know if it was because it was me, or because he had just missed Hyeri sitting next to me, it wasn’t a secret that she was every boy’s dream, even then. Whatever the cause of his distaste was, it had already done its damaged. I walked up to him, quickly, kissed him, and left wordlessly. Namjoo didn’t follow me that time. I went home and cried at the feeling of being blatantly unwanted. It was something I promised to never feel again, and something I could easily succeed by not interacting with males anymore. 

But now I was being exposed to the possibility of being unwanted again. If it hurt so much before, and it had been someone I hadn’t spoken to before, I could only imagine what it would be like to be unwanted by someone who knew more about you than anybody. Someone who made you think love was very possible. 

“Why are you worried?” Namjoo asked me, breaking me out of my memories. “You shouldn’t be. I know we don’t say this to each other too often, because we usually have more important things to worry about, but you’re pretty beautiful, Naeun. Inside and out. Don’t let someone ruin that for you, or let you forget it.” 

I nodded, slowly. Watching Eunji come out of the bathroom and walk over to us. 

It was easier to nod than actually take in the advice. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to be there?” Namjoo asked from over the phone. I was making the final adjustments to my dress, one I hardly ever wore. It was a light shade of pink, almost white, covered in lace. The neckline was a little lower than I had liked, and the dress itself was shorter than I remembered it being, but after an infuriating webcam date with Namjoo, she insisted it was perfect for a first impression. I tied my hair up in a high ponytail to finish the look off, giving myself one last look in the mirror. My heart was thumping wildly. I cared so much about every imperfection I had never noticed, and I wondered why I had even agreed to see him. 

“It’ll be fine.” I yelled. My phone was across the room, and she was on speaker. I walked over to my night stand, picking the phone up and saying a quick goodbye to her before hanging up. I stuck the phone in the purse I intended to carry, walking out of my room with one last look at my reflection. 

I had rarely ever admitted that I wanted to please anyone other than myself or my parents, but I wanted to please him. Badly. 

A short walk later, I had reached the bench he told me to meet him at. I regretted deciding to be early. The weather was blazing, even from under the shade of large trees. It didn’t matter, I knew he would be there soon. 

Soon proved to be an overstatement. I must’ve waited under the sun for hours. I didn’t want to call him, to make him rush or make him think I was being pushy. I decided that this would be a test of my patience. Or a test of his sincerity, at worst. 

But again, hours passed, and each person that passed, giving me a pitiful look, made me want to cry even more. It was one thing to be considered unwanted upon first glance, but another to have someone decided that they didn’t want you even before they met you. This was a disappointment I wasn’t prepared for. 

I had learned to tune everyone out in the short while I had been sitting on the bench, but a group of teenagers was passing by that was too loud to be ignored. What was worse was that I recognized their voices. Being in the presence of s was the absolute last thing I needed right now. But of course, life threw me the most infuriating people in the world while I was waiting for someone that I had accepted would never come. 

Baekhyun and the rest of his idiots were walking by the path in front of the bench where I was sitting. No matter how much I hid my face, he still managed to recognize me. I thought it would be settled at a wave and a fake smile, since it was no secret that he absolutely detested me, but he walked up to greet me while the rest of his friends waited a distance away. Except, I counted four others instead of the usual five. Before I could see who was missing, Baekhyun’s body blocked my vision entirely. 

“Wow, student council, you look great.” He said, examining me. It made me uncomfortable, where his eyes were looking and how. I nodded a quick thank you, avoiding any eye contact with him. I figured the ground was looking as great as ever. 

“Are you waiting for someone?” He asked while I continued to look away. There was no point in being honest. It would just make me look more pitiful. 

“No.” I answered crossly. I wanted to stop talking to him. I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to have the same reaction as I had that night when I was 15. 

“Damn. I was hoping you were.” I looked up to give him a puzzled look at his comment, and it was the first time I noticed what he was wearing. Under a denim button up, he was sporting a light pink t shirt. 

My throat ran dry. I wish I had enough evidence to say that pink was a common color for male shirts, but it wasn’t. I looked around, and there wasn’t another male wearing pink anywhere in sight. Was he James? Was this the guy I had been waiting for all this while? An ? 

It couldn't be, could it? Phones distort voices, but not that much, right? There was no way I could’ve confided in him, or any of the s he called friends, right? The world wasn’t small enough. It couldn’t be. If it was he or any of them I had been talking to, then I know it would have just been a giant joke, and my heart couldn’t take that. I looked up at him with wide eyes, not knowing what to say or how to ask him if he knew who I was, who I really was. 

“It’d be interesting to see what kind of guys the student council prudes are into.” He smirked before walking away to his chuckling friends. 

I payed no notice to his comment, or how it would’ve made me feel any other time. right now, my thoughts were with relief. Relief that James was still going to be a good guy. 

But that relief was short lived when I realized what had happened in the end. 

I had been forgotten and thrown off to the side. I had been stood up. 

I am finally back on schedule, I think! Sorry y'all, this had to be done. 

Soon, though, I promise! 

Please be kind, I'm sorry I killed your hopes for a little while longer. 

J