Naeun 

And it seemed like your favorite thing to do was to keep me in the dark and turned around. - Haim, "Edge" 

“You look different.” Seeun commented one morning as we walked absentmindedly out of our neighborhood and onto the main road. We usually never talked, no matter how much I tried to push it, so my head shot up when I saw that she was the one engaging in conversation. She probably did it because it was almost time for us to go separate ways anyway, and she knew she wouldn’t have to continue it. 

“Different?” I asked, touching my hair, trying to remember if I had brushed it a different way, or something of the like today. 

“Yeah. You’re like glowing or something.” She mumbled, rolling her eyes as I kept looking for differences in my uniform. 

“What I’m trying to say is, you look happy, stupid.” She said one last time before nodding and splitting from me at an intersection. I smiled to myself, watching her try not to look back. 

“You look nice today.” Namjoo said when she got to the council room. I stopped writing and looked up at her, connecting my brows in confusion. 

“Why is everyone saying that?” I asked, tilting my head slightly. “Seeun said so too, and you know she never says anything unless it’s super insulting.” 

“You do look nice though. Not so tired, I guess.” Namjoo shrugged. I was just about to brush her comment off with a thank you, but then I noticed the devilish grin that was forming on her lips. I groaned before she said anything, knowing that whatever it was would be awful anyway. “It could have something to do the alone time you spent with Jongin the other night. Your glow has lasted for two days, good job.” I shushed her, throwing my pen at her. 

There was no one in the room with us, but Namjoo had a way of making her voice project across the entire country. I couldn’t risk anyone hearing it. Especially not Jongin himself. I was happy when what happened between us happened, and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t think about it a lot, but somehow being caught talking about it would seemed juvenile. It was an intimate situation between two people, and the information should only be shared between two people. Talking about it, even with a close friend, seemed like a huge invasion of privacy. 

“So you’re really not gonna let up with any details?” Namjoo asked when she saw that I turned away from her. 

“No. We have more important things to worry about.” I continued signing off forms. I wasn’t wrong. We were slowly gaining in on the day of the talent show, otherwise known as my last hope to be able to go to university. Sometimes, I forgot about it while being lost in the shuffle of balancing school with a relationship. That was a good thing. I didn’t feel like every action defined my future, which was probably the case. It was good to ignore it, though. I wasn’t so stressed anymore. I don’t remember what being completely content felt like, but I was sure that this was the closest I’d been since the death of my sister. I used to think that it was dangerous to put your complete emotional trust in someone, but if that person was Jongin, I could excuse it. I loved him. 

“Speak of the devil.” Namjoo giggled when Jongin walked in the door, his bedhead more wild than usual. 

“And he shall appear. Extra curious about why he was being mentioned.” He walked over, giving Namjoo a fist bump and kissing me on the cheek. 

“You guys are getting bold.” Namjoo raised her eyebrow at my lack of reaction for my affection. 

“I don’t mind it anymore, I guess.” I said honestly. Maybe I wasn’t keen on being open about what happened on Monday, but I was starting to want everyone to know about us. I wasn’t scared anymore. 

“Curiously enough, I wanted to talk to you about our boldness.” He commented, taking a seat next to me. 

“What about it?” I asked, playing slightly with the hand he had given me to hold. 

“I’ll tell you later. Meet me after school?” I nodded. “Great. You didn’t have a choice anyway.”

Jongin asked me to meet him at the basketball courts, which was odd. I rarely walked around this area unless I was setting up for an event that was going to be using this space. The perks of student council sometimes seemed like few, but using work to get out of gym class was definitely one of those great perks. I saw him in the distance, playing basketball by himself like a child. I laughed lightly to myself, walking quicker to approach him. He didn’t pay attention to me at first, and then dragged me into the court. 

“You. Me. Game.” He said, sliding on a sweatband that he pulled out of his pocket onto his head. I rolled my eyes, and shook my head. He only responded by handing me a matching sweatband, which I didn’t put on. 

“Jongin, I have to go.” I whined. Watching him dribble a ball playfully. 

“Because you’re scared to lose a bet against the basketball champion?” He asked, running around me. I rolled my eyes. 

“No, because I’m swamped with work again.” I said. 

“Scared.” He repeated, mocking throwing the ball at me. I flinched, of course, and he only raised his eyebrows as if to prove a point. 

“If I have to pretend to be scared to go home, then yes, I am scared.” 

“That’s no way to live your life, babe.” He shook his head at me. “We’re getting you over your fear of losing one on one games right now.” 

I began stomping my feet in an immature tantrum, hoping that at least that would help me get my point across. 

“I’ll make it worth it, okay? Winner gets a wish.” He grinned at me, trying to convince me with an adorable glint in his eyes. 

“Fine.” I sighed, putting my bag down near the hoop pole. It wasn’t like it was an incredibly interesting proposition; I just knew at this point that there was no winning against someone as stubborn as him, so I might as well humor him. 

“‘Atta girl.” He laughed, chucking the ball at me immediately. 

“Ow!” I complained when my less than functioning reflexes didn’t stop the ball from hitting my shoulder. I scooped the ball up, throwing it at Jongin immediately. 

“Hey!” He shouted after shielding his face from the ball. It missed, anyway. “Not dodgeball, sweetheart.” 

“You started it.” I retorted. 

He held his hands up in surrender, laughing while beginning the game. It was obvious very quickly that he was giving me an advantage. Even that wasn't enough. He promised to only use one hand. That wasn’t enough, either. He won eventually, hopping on one leg still not being able to give me the ultimate advantage. I was frustrated from my lack of skill, and from how much he would laugh whenever I attempted to make an ambitious shot. He walked over to me after the game, hugging me from behind despite my protests. 

“Don’t be mad.” He laughed, making me purse my lips closed so I didn’t laugh too. 

“What do you want for your stupid wish?” I asked. He kissed my cheek before walking away. 

“I’ll think about it on my way to the bathroom. Don’t go anywhere, okay?” He trotted off towards the main building of the school, leaving me to laugh to myself at him. I dribbled the ball absentmindedly, turning to face the hoop. I was about to shoot my first attempt at getting better when I heard footsteps behind me. 

“That quick?” I flipped around, expecting to find Jongin. Kyungsoo was there instead. I tensed up, seeing him standing near me with a smirk on his face. My hands stopped working for a second, and I dropped the basketball. It rolled over to him, almost too slowly. He chuckled before picking it up. 

“Hi.” He said, after dribbling the ball a few times. 

“Hi?” I repeated, suddenly aware that I was in a very defensive stance. He noticed too, I know he did, but he didn’t make it known. You could just tell that his eyes were examining your every movement, storing all the information in a bank he kept for who knows what. 

“How are you?” He asked, stationing the ball to rest on his hip. 

“I’m okay.” I repeated, having to clear my throat mid statement because of how small the voice seemed to come out. 

“Really? That’s good. Just making sure.” He shrugged, starting to dribble the ball again. I furrowed my eyebrows together. 

“Why would you need to make sure?” I asked, moving behind him uneasily as he walked to the hoop. 

“ I don’t know, I was wandering around and saw you shooting hoops by yourself, I thought something might’ve been wrong.” He moved to make a shot, and when the ball went into the basket, he rejoiced slightly while jogging to get the ball before it wandered away. 

“I’m waiting for Jongin.” I said, immediately cursing myself afterwards for admitting it so easily. It was like I was suddenly lost in my thoughts and actions in his presence. 

“Really?” He asked, raising his eyebrows when he turned around to look at me. “That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.” 

“What about it?” I asked, trying to sound stern, like he should reconsider what he was about to say, but there was no way to mask the insecurity I was feeling. 

“Well, I’m sorry if I’m being forward, and I give you permission to slap me if it’s too invasive, but have you guys had ?” The question alone was enough to catch me off guard, but what really sent me into confusion was how harshly, bluntly it was put. 

“No.” I stuttered. 

“Good.” He smiled. “I hope you’re not lying to me, because when he told me, I was sure he was lying to me.” 

“He told you?” I asked, suddenly feeling insane heat despite the breeze.
“Yeah. It was Monday night, after 7. He rushed over, raving about how he had finally done what he wanted to do.” He rolled his eyes. 

“What he wanted to do?” I repeated, dumbly, watching him pace around and dribble the ball. 

“He had been going on about this for months. About he had finally gotten into the stiff, stuck up president’s pants. He said he sealed it with a kiss on the forehead before sending you off, after calling you radiant or something like that. It’s his signature for reassuring s, after all.” 

I stayed silent. I wanted to tell him that he was full of bull, that Jongin would never say anything like that about me, that he didn’t do that anymore, that he really cared about me. But I couldn’t. How else would he know that he called me radiant? How else would he know a date and time? My eyes began to stung as I thought about Jongin and the possibility of him lying to me. I didn’t know what to believe. 

“I told him I didn’t believe him. I mean, who would. You’re way too smart to fall for any of his tricks, right?” I looked up at him, and saw his eyes bearing into mine. They were almost taunting me. “I mean, even with his charms, you do realize who he is. I love this guy, but even I have to admit that he has quite the track record. It’s actually really sad.” 

Still, no words came out. I kept convincing myself that it was a lie. I wanted to prove that I was smarter than to fall for a series of elaborate lies, but the answer was obvious. I wasn’t. I was turned into a foolish little girl at the promise of a nice smile. And the worst part was that I kept showing off how stupid I was by trying to defend someone who had obviously used me and abused my trust. 

“And I assured him that you were definitely too self respecting to give yourself to someone that easily, right?” 

My throat finally went dry. Did I have any self respect? When I thought about it, how easily I was convinced to give myself to someone, it was clear I didn’t. 

“And he just kept going on about it, about how he was so glad it was done so he could drop you and finally kick you out of his life, that he had deceived pure, beautiful, headstrong Son Naeun. It was just too sad. So I had to come and get reassured that it was a lie.” 

“Right. I muttered, digging my nails into my palm so that hot tears didn’t run down my face and humiliate me in front of a stranger. 

“Good.” He smiled. “I’m so glad he’s bluffing. Please be careful with him, Naeun. I’m saying this because I don’t want to see you walk around with your head down, like Kim Ahyoung, Bang Minah, Lee Soohyun, and so many others.” 

He shot me another small smile and left. As he did, the images of every one of those girls popped in my head. I had heart it from the mouths of others before, that Jongin had stripped the light from their eyes, but I couldn’t believe it unless it came from a credible source. And here, a credible source had confirmed it, and alerted me that I was the girl he had chosen to kill next. 

A tear fell, despite how much I tried to hold it back. Hot tears sting too much to hold back sometimes, but I wiped it away as quickly as it came. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing me like this. He had already taken something precious, he wouldn’t take my dignity, too. I took deep breaths, steadying myself for when he came back. I heard his footsteps approach. By now, I was sure I could almost taste the blood threatening to burst out of the lip I had been biting so hard. 

“So I’ve decided.” He sang. I could see his shadow closing in on me. 

“Don’t come any closer.” I commanded, making my voice demanding. He halted immediately. 

“Why?” He asked, his voice wavering slightly. I turned around to face him. I was sure it was obvious how hard I was trying not to cry, but I didn’t care for the time being. I needed to get my message across. 

“You’re sick. You’re disgusting. You’re absolutely pathetic.” I spat, shaking my head at him as he feigned confusion. I even choked out a scoff. “Don’t act like you’re so innocent. I’ve had enough of your acting and enough of your lies.” 

“Naeun, what?” He took a step forward to me, and I grabbed the pepper spray dangling off of the lanyard in my pocket instinctively. 

“I told you not to come any closer. Ever. Don’t talk to me. Don’t talk to anyone about me. Don’t even think about me.” He halted, and kept searching in my eyes for an answer. In the moment, he seemed like a child, and I almost softened. But I didn’t. I couldn’t let him take advantage of my naivety again. 

“You’re such absolute trash. I can’t believe I ever thought you were any better than the low lives you call friends.” 

And I left. I didn’t listen to him calling after me, but I didn’t run, either. I couldn’t be weak anymore. I had to accept that I was at fault for my own demise. I had to be strong for myself, because no one was going to do it for me. 

I allowed myself one day to be sad, to bask in my own stupidity, and then, I had to be a robot again. I couldn’t let myself feel anymore. 

First of all SORRY 

Second of all, I know it's been a while, and I feel awful, but I just haven't been in the best condition. I needed some time to work on myself. I'm back now, hopefully. 

J