Naeun

You have a light and I lost my sight, but my heart still remembers the sound. - Amel Larrieux, "Don't Let Me Down" 

My rude awakening was a clear signifier. I had slept in again. 

“Happy Birthday!” my parents sang to my sister, carrying in a small pastry with a lit candle placed on it. There was no point in groaning when my sister let out an exaggerated squeal, I would just get scolded for both ruining the mood and sleeping in late. Instead, I sat up, watching my mom and dad pat Seeun on the head while she beamed up at them. 

But my sanity seemed to come to me as I wiped she sand away from the corner of my eyes. My parents had gone off by now, letting me panic openly. 

I leaped out of bed, rushing straight towards my bag. I pulled out my planner, turning frantically to the page I had been writing on. 

“Are you freaking out that you forgot to buy a present for me?” Seeun teased, thinking it was the most hilarious thing, seeing me half awake shuffling through my planner madly. 

The planner had been defective. Two pages with the same dates had been printed, and I hadn’t noticed. I was stuck a week behind. I couldn’t even manage to cry. I just went back to bed, feeling like I was having an out of body experience. I stared straight ahead. Shaking. Waiting for my emotions to burst. 

“Hey, I was just joking. It doesn’t matter that much to me.” Seeun cooed, sitting next to me looking more worried than I’d ever seen her. I guess I looked that bad. I reached over to the top drawer on my night stand, pulling out a small box wrapped in pink paper. I handed it to her. She took it carefully, opening it and squealing again when she pulled out the dangly earrings the box held. I had gotten them for her months ago. She turned to me slowly, her face clearly asking what was wrong if it wasn’t that. 

“My planner was a week off.” I began, feeling my voice getting caught in my throat. “I’ve been a week off on the most important week. I remember my last scholarship application being due on your birthday, but I didn’t think it was due for another week.” 

“So what does this mean?” She asked, putting on the earrings, suddenly not so concerned about my pale self being rolled up to fetal position on my bed. 

“I can’t afford to go to college. I can’t go to college unless I find some way to get that money.” I said, feeling as if someone else was saying that, not me. This all felt unreal. It was like I was dreaming. I wish I was. I would rather be stuck in a ridiculous dream forever than wake up to realize that I wouldn’t be able to go to school. I had no other options. It felt like my life was over, all because I was too careless. All because I trusted a stupid paper notebook to control my life, and not myself. 

“Naeun…” She whispered, approaching me. I still couldn’t cry. She sat next to me, trying to get herself under the covers to comfort me, but I shook my head at her. 

“Go ahead.” I said, trying my best to force a smile. Nothing came out, but I guess she understood. “You’re gonna be late.” 

“Won’t you be late?” She asked, walking towards her uniform. 

“What’s the point of going anymore.” I shrugged, slinking back into the covers. 

I did cry, eventually. I screamed and balled my eyes out. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to jump out of my window or use my school tie to hang myself from the ceiling fan. I tried to go back to sleep, but even that wasn’t in my favor. 

I did get myself to school, eventually. I guess time was slowed down significantly for me, because I could’ve sworn I had been staring at my ceiling for hours. I swore it was past noon, but the outside world was barely settling into their routine. Homeroom wasn’t even over when I got to school. 

The women at the front office were especially shocked to see me filling out a tardy form. I saw a few of them open their mouth to attempt to make small talk, but they refrained from doing so when I looked up and my bloodshot eyes were there to greet them. They even insisted I not fill out a slip, that I would be fine with out it. I wasn’t in a mood to argue. I just nodded, making my way to the student council room with slow, heavy steps. 

It was funny, how slow and agonizingly still everything felt. Corridors seemed to extend before my very eyes, taking into no account how tired everything made me feel. Even breathing wore me out. My head was too heavy to hold up, but I knew that if I collapsed, I wouldn’t black out. I’d just lay there, staring at the ceiling until someone found me, rolled up and looking as pathetic as I felt. 

I opened the student council room door, slipping in completely unnoticed. I guess today was the day that we were supposed to show the new recruits how to do their jobs. 

“We thought you weren’t coming.” Eunji said, leaving her group to discuss something while she confronted me. 

“I thought so too.” I cleared my throat, trying to avoid her. I thought she would at least ask me what was wrong, since it wasn’t exactly hard to see that I wasn’t in the right condition to be anywhere right now. I looked like a corpse, and she knew it, but she didn’t ask anyway. I should’ve known that she’d keep it strictly business. But still, she was my best friend. The fact that she cared more about her job than her friend’s well being made me feel more alone. It was awful, on top of all of this. I felt useless, pathetic, and like a waste of space, but I hadn’t felt alone. I thought I’d at least have two people there to give me encouragement, but one of them was busy, and the other one had just looked me in the eyes and ignored my sorrow right in front of my face. 

Now, I felt alone. 

“I took over the assigning jobs and everything for the extra applicants, and we got a new senior class representative, so you’re relieved of that duty.” She explained, handing me a list of jobs she had assigned. 

“Who?” I asked, not even bothering to take the paper she was handing me. It was more work than I needed, but I felt like I could be in control when I had two titles over the student council. Moreover, I wasn’t there to choose who would take my place, and the possibility of someone under qualified being assigned to fill my shoes wasn’t what I needed right now. 

I needed to feel like I was in control of something. My future was no longer that thing, so I needed this. 

“Good morning.” Jongin stepped in, holding the thick senior class representative binder that used to be mine. I stared up at him in shock. 

“I need to see you outside.” I said, facing Eunji and strutting towards the door. 

“What is it?” She asked when we were outside. 

“What the hell?” I practically shouted at her. She furrowed her eyebrows at me. 

“What?” She spat back, clearly angry that I took a tone with her. 

“Why did you give him my job?” I gestured to Jongin, who we could see through the tiny window on the door of the classroom. 

“Because you’ve been complaining about that job for months, and you wanted to assign it to someone as soon as we could.” She replied, with a tone and facial expression that clearly suggested she thought I was being idiotic. I knew her every facial expression, and that was one she reserved for irrational fools, not for me. 

“But why him?” I groaned. 

“He was elected through a vote.” She crossed her arms, her stance becoming defensive. 

“That’s stupid as hell!” I screamed. “Who even authorized that?” 

“I did.” She shouted back. 

“You do realize people only voted for him because all of the girls in there was to get in his pants, right?” I rolled my eyes at her. 

“And you do realize that while you’re gone doing who knows what, I’m in charge right?” 

That made me angry. She didn’t bother to ask me what was wrong, even in private, and now she was accusing me of missing an important day over something that wasn’t a good reason. 

“You don’t even know what’s going on!” My eyes were threatening to get watery, but I bit my lip immediately, knowing that they wouldn’t help me against Eunji. It wouldn’t be long before I was drawing blood. 

“I don’t need to! Because you’re just being prejudiced either way. It was a fair, democratic vote, and in case you forgot, this isn’t a dictatorship and you can’t be a tyrannical leader anymore. So whatever the hell it is up, because you have to take him to the library and teach him how to do the job. If he doesn’t excel at it, there’s no one to blame but yourself this time.” She huffed, marching inside to fetch him. 

It took a lot to steady my breathing. I didn’t even wait for Jongin to come outside before speed walking to the library. I could hear his footsteps behind me, coming closer every second. I wanted to run. I couldn’t handle being in his presence right now. I could feel myself ready to explode at the thought of talking to him. 

“Wait up!” he called, the closeness of his voice alerting me that he was almost caught up. I tried to walk faster, but it was hard with the weight I was carrying on my shoulders. He finally caught up, trotting behind me. I lost it when he placed his hand on my shoulder. I spun around, feeling like the top of my skull was going to pop off. 

“Why won’t you leave me the hell alone?!” I screamed at him. We were in a hallway away from classrooms, but even if we weren’t, I wouldn’t have cared. 

He stared at me, connecting his eyebrows in confusion. I didn’t even let him ask me if something was wrong. I just kept screaming, hoping that it would help me get some peace. 

“What is wrong with you? Why do you keep forcing yourself into my life when it’s clear that I don’t want you!” I shouted, feeling my eyes sting with tears desperate to fall. 

He was still dumbfounded, staring at me like he didn’t know what to do. When I finally felt my check stain with a tear, I became angrier, seeing that my explosion wasn’t helping me. 

“Are you freaking happy?” I shouted, wiping away the tears that were falling freely now. “Is this what you wanted? Was this what this stupid joke was for? Alright, well you got it! I’m crying now! The uptight student council president is sobbing and choking on her own words! Go ahead! Take all the stupid pictures you want, but leave me alone! I don’t want to see you!” 

I was sure that he hadn’t heard a majority of what I said. I was practically unintelligible, blubbering and gasping for air every other word. He just looked at me, I couldn’t tell if it was with disgust or absolute pity. I turned around and kept walking, my loud cries echoing through the narrow hallway. The sound of my own sobbing only made me feel more pathetic, which in turn, made me cry harder. I couldn’t hear anything other than my own miserable, disgruntled wails. 

I definitely didn’t hear Jongin’s footsteps approaching me once more, catching me by surprise when his arms wrapped around me. 

I fought to get out of the position. I kicked and screamed and trying to use my own weight to bring him down, punching at the air, but he didn’t budge at all. When I had grown tired, which didn’t take very long considering how little energy I had, he spun me around, making my head and hands rest on his chest. 

I sniveled and let the rest of my tears stain his shirt. He felt so warm. 

While I was letting myself drain, I could only get sadder, thinking about how this probably wasn’t real. How he had felt pity, but only that. I couldn’t let him hear how my heart was threatening to burst out of my chest. I couldn’t let my hands find their way to his back, curling in the fabric of his blazer, like they wanted to. I couldn’t let him realize that I was taking in everything, from the way he smelled, to the warmth that I had never felt before. I shivered every time his hand my back. I was ashamed to admit even to myself that I had wanted nothing but this for so long. I felt like I fit directly into him, almost too perfectly. 

My sobs had ended, and I was just focusing on steadying my breath again, so they were no longer gasps. He pulled away from me, letting both the cold and reality hit my face. I was suddenly embarrassed at how horrible I must’ve looked, with my face puffy and my hair in a nest. He examined me, as if he had heard me point out my insecurities. His eyes were blank, his mouth twisted into a frown. He took a gulp before speaking. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked, brushing some hair out of my face, and catching the last falling tear with his thumb. I don’t know why I didn’t even contemplate lying to him, or telling him that it was none of his business. I just began to talk, trusting him even though I knew I shouldn’t. 

“The planner I used had a defect, and there was two of the same week printed. I was a week behind, and was too careless to check the dates anywhere else. I missed a scholarship submission date. Without that scholarship, I can’t pay for school. I don’t know what to do.” I said, trying my hardest not to begin blubbering again. I looked up at him, and I had no doubt that he sympathized with me. He looked crushed. And maybe he was just a good actor, but I felt like it was genuine.
He brought me into an embrace again, cradling me like I was precious. I heard him whisper things into the top of my hair, but I couldn’t make out the words. I was too lost. 

I didn’t try to hide me inhaling in his scent anymore. I let my hands embrace him freely. I even let myself listen to the beating of his heart, and felt some odd comfort noting that it matched mine. I didn’t care if it wasn’t genuine at this point, because I was basking in the most comfortable warmth I had ever experienced, that I would probably ever experience. 

I didn’t feel alone anymore. 

So I'm still planning to do an intro video, but my internet is so freaking slow right now that it can barely handle uploading a chapter, let alone uploading a video to youtube. So that'll be coming with the next chapter, or when my technical difficulties decide to chill. If you have any questions, it's not too late to ask! 

J